x279 The Valley of Gwangi (7/11/99)

Harryhausen Got It Anymore
It all started with King Kong.
Willis O'Brien, father of stop motion animation, had fallen on hard times. Despite the success of King Kong in 1933, his last monster movie, Son of Kong, had tanked miserably. Thus, no one was willing to take a chance on 2 other scripts he had floating around. One, called King Kong vs. Frankenstein, would pit the infamous giant ape, revived from the dead, against a monster made from the stitched together parts of African animals. This script finally got made several years later into a little film called King Kong vs. Godzilla.
His other script, called The Valley of Mist, was a tale about a T-Rex living in the Grand Canyon that gets captured by cowboys. Displayed in a Wild West show, it escapes, battles a few lions, and is pushed over a cliff by a truck. Budgetary reasons got it cancelled: The lion sequence was later recycled into O'Brien's Mighty Joe Young (Which also took the pipe, thus dooming the "Mist" project even more). He attempted to revive the project in 1950, even getting Richard Landau to punch up his script. Again, the studios thought it was too costly for what would essentially be a kiddie film. Finally, Ray Harryhausen (O'Brien's apprentice) discovered the script in his own garage, where he had stored some of O'Brien's old things. He combined the story with a Gwangi script outline he had, and the rest is HG History.
The plot follows O'Brien's original script rather closely at the start. A tiny horse is discovered and taken to a Wild West show, where a perverted-sounding paleontologist declares it a living fossil. A local blind gypsy and her seeing-eye midget claim it's the property of the local Crime-Boss Gwangi, and it must be returned. Wackiness ensues, as the gypsies swipe the horse (Gypsies? Stealing? When did this start?)and return it to The Forbidden Valley, where the pursuing cowboys meet up with King Kon....uh, Gwangi, the purple dinosaur. The movie then follows the well-worn path of Monster-gets-captured, Monster-escapes-and-causes-mayhem, including a sequence where Our Hero fights a stop-motion elephant that sounds remarkably like George Of The Jungle's pet elephant Shep, before finally becoming a plate of Emeril's Allosaurus Au Gratin thanks to a burning church. But, not before he kills the Midget, the Paleontologist, the Candlestick Maker, and various other non-white personages.

The Mild, Mild West

Ironf> Valley of Ganja.
MAClear> Seven arts for seven brothers
BEMaven1> so who would this movie appeal to, then? in-bred neanderthals?
Ironf> So this is Parts Unknown.
nicklby> yea, though I walk through the valley of Gwangi, I will fear no evil, for Harryhausen is with me
Cthulhu> Traveling Gypsies of the Ollllllld West.
EvilJen> I have a feeling we'll see Shania Twain in her white desert trash outfit singing in a little bit.
Cthulhu> He's got Babe in that bag.
Balthayzr> I caught the last wild Muppet!
MAClear> Yeah, it's really night. This day for night filter has me completely fooled
EvilJen> pirates of the old west?
Robert> My eyes are blind, but I must touch the sky. Or something.
mgrasso> i saw ths sign, lady. and it opened up my eyes. i SAW the sign.
Cthulhu> I didn't know that John Ford had a sex change.
my-crow-soft> brought to you in full Crayola Crayons !
mgrasso> embarassing scales on your titles? use gwangi brand skin treatment!
Balthayzr> This coloring book is available in the lobby.
MAClear> Wow, look at all the pople who went on to have hude careers
BEMaven1> someone did a cave painting of Briget Bardo?
mgrasso> title cards by ray harryhausens 6-year-old son.
nicklby> This movie is going to Dynasuck, I can tell that already
Ironf> We'll call it Wagontrain to the stars. It'll be HUGE!
BEMaven1> these are Harryhausen's concept drawings.
Cthulhu> Velociraptors of the Ollllllld west.
EvilJen> gold lame of the ooooooooold west.
thayer> gayly dressed cowboys of mexico!
BEMaven1> the high school band. they all graduated when they turned 30.
Cthulhu> Old west shows of the Olllllld west.
Bice> The crowds on the sidewalk are saying "we were under the impression you were gonna be throwing candy"
MAClear> This is the old west. they see guys with lariats every day. What's the big deal?
Robert> I live for Franciscus pulling his pants up.
nicklby> ZZ top was wrong. Every girl's not crazy bout a sharp dressed man
Cthulhu> A young W.C. Fields.
Bice> Amazingly enough, that kid is all claymation.
nicklby> shockingly, this kid is still a better actor than Jake Lloyd
EvilJen> "I will be what is called a pimp".
Cthulhu> Young capitalists of the Olllllllld west.
my-crow-soft> wow. he'll have to serve a lot of white cowboys to earn a million.
Bice> Ah, back when they still used trip wires on horses.
MAClear> I'm glad none of those annoying mexicans will be the lead in this mexican movie
Robert> F Troops of the olllllld West.
thayer> people getting hurt...it's FUN!
Robert> And Flaming Wagon takes the Triple Crown!
BEMaven1> please enjoy our re-enactment of parking in Vegas.
Cthulhu> Oh great... now's it's Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken.
EvilJen> I could really go for some exposition right about now.
MAClear> Don't any mexicans live in Mexico?
MAClear> I guess back then it was American sneaking across the border
Robert> James is oh so convincing as a Western person.
Bice> Voice overdubbed by Jim Rockford.
EvilJen> lots and lots of animals were harmed in the making of this film.
mgrasso> annette funicello *is* gypsy rose lee *in* "velveta internationale"
nicklby> wasnt that the stuff that turned nicholson into the Joker?
Cthulhu> How about a little fire Dorthy?!
my-crow-soft> moment of clarity : if you're over 45 and still have to jump into pools with a horse, concider carreer change as an option.
BEMaven1> you used the water to wash the elephants, didn't you?
Robert> And somewhere, some vague Mexicans are annoyed.
Ironf> And the Disney corp steals an idea.
Robert> Harryhausen makes his first paycheck.
Ironf> NOT a Monty Python cutout animation.
BEMaven1> all this so they could see her in a wet costume.
Bice> So, why is she talking from the soundstage next door?
mgrasso> ah, the days when men could barge into women's rooms and get them to change.
mgrasso> i'm gonna wash that algae right out of my hair.
MAClear> Um, there are supposed to be dinosaurs in this, right?
BEMaven1> 'here's the concept: Junior Daredevil Rodeo"
Julia> Kim Cattrall of the ollld west.
MAClear> Sounds like she was dubbed by the guys who do Godzilla movies
mgrasso> the budget ann-margret.
Bice> Argh, another movie with a midget!
nicklby> and they ride right into Lawrence of Arabia
MAClear> Back then you could buy a boy and a burro for 5 pesos
Ironf> Boy! Hold you ass still so that I may mount
Cthulhu> I'm British dear boy... I can be as arrogant as I want.
Cthulhu> So when does the moon beast show up and rip the limey's arms off?
mgrasso> this is just like that fleetwood mac video.
Bice> I think a cartoon roadrunner left that print.
BEMaven1> i intend to prove that humans evolved after tea time.
Cthulhu> I. M. Eohipus!
MAClear> With inflation that would be 150 million years today
Robert> note the hats, so you can easily tell the 3 apart.
Ironf> Please don't fondle the bone like that professor.
thayer> 'professor, go into the tent...i'll send the boy there shortly...'
Bice> No, don't look under the horse while the camera's sill on!
Robert> Bugs Bunny should pop up any second.
Ironf> Two performers, a bull, and a archieological dig.
BEMaven1> well, we've seen the bullfight. when do we see El Santo?
nicklby> why is he dressed as Fred from Scooby doo?
Bice> Bull-cam!
Balthayzr> Luckily, the bull ran into the split-screen.
MAClear> I like how they went all out and actually killed a guy for this movie
nicklby> wow, this is Harryhausen's most convincing work ever!
nicklby> we're nearly half an hour in, and no dinosaurs yet. Refund!
EvilJen> Men Afraid of Committment of the Oooooooooooooooooooold West.
MAClear> He's hypnotizing her with is hairless chest
mgrasso> ah... opening up a music box... i think we all know what that means.
Balthayzr> Meet the 1889 Beanie Baby Line Up.
Plumm> The Richard Gere Petting Zoo.
Cthulhu> A freak of nature and God? Which one?
EvilJen> are there a lot of gypsies in Mexico?
Robert> The tribe of the Clapper People.
Bice> The original Simon and Garfunkle.
thayer> didn't know flamenco was big in mexico
BEMaven1> she's doing an impression of William Conrad.
Bice> Man, if that's her *good* eye, I don't want to know what's under the patch.
BEMaven1> bet she sics her son Popeye on them.
Ironf> Huh, the horse shaves his head and goes on shooting rampages?
Cthulhu> Let see... tiny? Check. Three toes? Check! Research is done!
Julia> Oh yeah, in her "forbidden valley"!
Balthayzr> I wonder how many Dollar stores they robbed for her jewelry?
MAClear> *ahem* BOY, SURE IS DARK. WHERE IS EVERYONE?
Robert> suddenly, they're attacked by *pirates*.
Plumm> and now for something completely crappy
Plumm> a horse with three buttocks
Balthayzr> I'm A Mexican Imp!!
Cthulhu> It must be humiliating to be taken out be Billy Barty.
Balthayzr> Chico. Lupe. I'm glad they took the time to research Real Mexican Names.
MAClear> yeah. maria and pedro should show up later
Balthayzr> And the giant Gila monster eats him. The end.
EvilJen> No,no, the Amazing Colossal Man squishes them all.
Balthayzr> What's the punishment for stealing a tiny horse? Hang you from a bonzai tree?
thayer> love the music box music that accompanyies the sight of the little horse
Bice> Let's chase him on horseback. And try not to step on him.
Balthayzr> Hurry, before he gets home to Gumby!!
Robert> the tiny horse outruns the big horse.
Cthulhu> I'm going to get my big Brother Peusus to come an beat you up!
BEMaven1> follow that travelling matte.
thayer> and the little horse is stronger than a woman. it's FUNNY!
EvilJen> well, we have enough people here to be killed by the dinosaurs. if there were any, you know, dinosaurs.
Ironf> They just need to eat those shrooms and they'll shrink
Cthulhu> Welcome to Jurrasic Park
Plumm> c'mon, everybody, Corman and Robot Monster need the set.
Balthayzr> And they accidently rope the AMC Logo.
Ironf> Enjoy your vaginal imagery.
Robert> we enjoyed the music so much, we started it over!
BEMaven1> and they bump into Ringo going the other way.
Plumm> Cowboy Curtis!
Balthayzr> Cafeful, mexican food'll give you the runs.
BEMaven1> 'big birds do not grab people. big birds do not grab people.'
Ironf> Now THATS family entertainment
MikeC> It's something we don't understand. Let's either exploit or ill it
Ironf> Aww looks like Earl won't make it home to the baby after all.
Cthulhu> Did they just take a kids dinosaur book and start picking random creatures?
nicklby> well, at least Harry's earning his paycheck now
Robert> yes, everyone, stegosaurus lives well on a diet of tumbleweeds.
Cthulhu> So much for all that warm-blooded, living in herds nonsense, huh?
BEMaven1> 'no matte paintings over here! we should be safe.'
Pinwiz> Ginger, Short Round, Paul Lynde, and extras from West Side Story
Pinwiz> Was this the pilot for Land of the Lost?
Balthayzr> You can't fool me. They were using him as bait.
Pinwiz> And he refills the canteen at Lake Placid
BEMaven1> 'man, if my arms were so tiny, you'd be so dead.'
Ironf> I think it's gonna take more than two horses to draw and quarter it
Robert> *takes off rope* "Man, why didn't I do that to BEGIN with?"
Bice> Now he spins 'em like Satan in Time Bandits
MikeC> If this were a Disney cartoon the t-Rex would sing a song abpout tolerance
mgrasso> good lord, i'm surrounded by film.
mgrasso> o/~ "it's all right if i kill a little tyke DINO-NZA!"
BEMaven1> 'there's no way through. it's blocked by the Last Crusade film crew.
Balthayzr> "Welcome....to Fantasy Mesa!"
Bice> Say, is that the Hollywood sign on that hill?
Pinwiz> And so, the seedy side of the Lollypop Guild is exposed.
Robert> It's that meat song The Brain sang.
EvilJen> too cheap for a real elephant.
Robert> no foreshadowing. Not allowed.
BEMaven1> in this goofy outfit, you expect me to quiet him down?
Robert> This would be slightly frightening, if it weren't so damned stupid.
BEMaven1> great act... but aren't you gonna run out of midgets?
Robert> Kids come running for the great taste of midgets!
EvilJen> He really thinks it's midget!
Altair-4> a little snack
Balthayzr> Midget Helper. When you need to stretch your midget dollar.
Bice> midget
Bice> midget
Bice> midget
nicklby> now, now. don't be short-tempered about midgets
mgrasso> ah yes, the elphant, that reknowned fighter.
Robert> he's still hungry after that MIDGET?
Bice> A few midget jokes...such a small thing to ask.
Balthayzr> The rest of the movie was dwarfed by that scene.
Robert> Does anyone remember something about a tiny horse in this movie?
Julia> You mean a.... MIDGET horse? ha ha.
nicklby> wow, that crowd cleared out faster than Michael Bolton's Lilith Fair appearance
Robert> "The bell signals a dynamation attack 'round these parts."
Balthayzr> And Gwangi goes and nails a list to the church doors.
Ironf> Flores, flores para los muertos!
EvilJen> to the dinosaur, this all looks like running chicken mcnuggets.
thayer> and now we get the generic monster movie soundtrack
Ironf> Lopie is gonna ride the monkapottomus.
BEMaven1> 'rrrurrr... church... steeple... so where's the people?'
nicklby> so when the little girl going to use the computers to bring the park power back online?
MAClear> QUICK EVERYONE, WHAT WOULD BRIAN BOITANO DO?
Balthayzr> Boy, that's the thing about midgets. An hour after eating one, your hungry again.
Bice> Who's playing the really bad rendition of Tocatta and Fugue?
EvilJen> damn evolution.
Robert> Good think he missed my walnut sized brain.
Cthulhu> Kingsford Pew's edges light quickly.
BEMaven1> 'the world shall hear from me again.'
MAClear> All the Mexicans are running back with jars of barbecue sauce
Cthulhu> Anybody got a big bottle of Sweet Baby Ray?
MAClear> Um, mr lizard, maybe you shouldn't stand right int the fire
Julia> So fire makes stone buildings fall apart.
BEMaven1> 'oh, my laytex skin is melting!... what a world! what a world!'
Ironf> How about a little fire Scarasaurus.
mgrasso> and that neither are any match for good, decent, god-fearing WHITE ingenuity.
MAClear> Lopie says, "The T-Rex is a friend to all children."
Cthulhu> You know, it that outfit, Lupie could star in a Japanese movie.
thayer> and the fire spreads tot he rest of the town, everyone dies, the end.
mgrasso> a good cast deserves a slow, bloody death. let's see 'em again./
thayer> it ended as it lived....pointlessly
BEMaven1> 'just to make up for the wrecked catherdral. TJ will soak her costume again.'
MAClear> Think anyone's proud they were in this movie?
nicklby> a good cast is worth repeating ... but we'll make an exception
EvilJen> everybody was gwangi-fighting.
Pinwiz> Gwangi - Now appearing nightly at the MGM Hilton in Las Vegas

Gwangi Sorenson (the Allosaurus) and Samantha "Spike" Jeckel (the Styracosaurus) ended up sharing an apartment after their respective residuals for "Valley" ran out. They had become friends, then lovers, on the set, and swore to each other that they would attempt to get parts on the same project if they could, since each felt the other complimented their individual acting style. After years of bit parts and Advisory roles on such projects as "Journey to the Beginning of Time", Lady Luck finally struck for the duo when the creators of a new children's show were looking for a replacement for the original host (an overgrown teddy bear). This was a big step for the star-crossed pair, as extensive cosmetic surgery was involved so that they would resemble the conceptual pictures of the characters. A dozen operations and skin bleachings later, Gwangi and Sam walked out onto the soundstage in the parts they would be forever after connected with: Barney and Baby Bop.

Orville Costello (the Ornithomimus) successfully sued the producer of the picture after he discovered that his credit had been removed from the final credits, something Gwangi swears to this day he had nothing to do with. Mere days after the suit was settled out of court, Orville was rushed to the hospital with what was believed at the time to be Nervous Exhaustion. It turned out to be something a little more benign: Orville was going through what would turn out to be the first in a series of Evolution episodes. After the 6th and final episode (to date), Orville began working out in Silver's Gym in New York in what chroniclers believe was an attempt to overcome a bad Self-Image. This is where he met a young James Henson, who was incidentally casting a new children's show based on characters he knew from a nearby Slum. Henson wrote a part especially for Orville: a Giant, Diseased Pigeon named Big Bird. In his book Gwangi: The Beast and the Beauty, author Gunther Hayes puts forth the theory that Orville later used his PBS connections to get Gwangi and Samantha's name in front of the "Barney" Casting Director in an attempt to apologize for his past accusations.

Darryl Ramford (the Pteranodon) ended up in traction for over a year due to injuries sustained on the set of Gwangi. Seems James Franciscus got a little over-zealous in his wrestling scenes with Darryl, and actually broke his neck in 3 places. After the traction period ended, Darryl suffered from a lisp that author Gunther Hayes says was believed to be psychosomatic in nature. It was this lisp that kept Darryl out of the limelight for years, until he bumped into his old friend Charles St. Charles (see below) at a Meeting of the Method Actor's Guild. St. Charles had heard that actor Paul Ruebens was casting the part of a Pteranodon, and thought his old crony would be perfect for the part. While Paul enjoyed Darryl's tryout tape (A Yiddish rendition of Barry Manilow's "Copacabana"), he felt Darryl's lisp would be frightening to younger children. However, Darryl got the last laugh. He entered an intensive series of Speech Therapy Sessions, overcame his lisp, and currently stars in the long-running Broadway show (that he penned with St. Charles) "Fall of the PlayHouse of Usher" , which chronicles the rise, fall and re-rise of Paul Reubens. The above photo, by the by, is taken from the only existing bootleg of the production, which explains the graininess of the picture.

Charles St. Charles (the Eophippus) was the only Shakespearean-Trained actor in the entire "Gwangi" ensemble. He was also the only Gwangi member that continued to enjoy success as a direct result of the movie, using his residual money to open the first CSC Method Acting School for Non-Humans, where he's coached Oscar-Worthy performances out of such noteworthy personages as Bruce, the shark from Jaws: Kong, the big ape from the film of the same name: and Farnsworth, the bear from Prophecy. Asked if he'd ever failed with a student, St.Charles looked away misty-eyed for a second before answering. "Horace", he said after taking a moment to gather himself, "The star of Lake Placid. I spent months trying to get him to bring forth some other f*cking emotion besides "GRRRRRR!!!! I'M A BIG ALLIGATOR!!!". I saw the big guy as a Lost Soul, persecuted by Man because he was Different, because he didn't fit into the pre-defined holes of what an alligator should be. Horace and the director saw it differently, however, and you see the results. I demanded they remove my name from that pile of sh*t. I mean, can you imagine the next Godzilla looking for a place to polish his craft, and seeing the name of my school connected with that mess?". St. Charles is pictured above delivering the Commencement Speech to a recent class graduating from his academy, where he continues to teach 3 classes a week to this day.