x329 THE GREAT TEXAS DYNAMITE CHASE
(10/06/99)

Produced by Marshall ("The California Reich") Whitfield

MOVIE
This here is the story of two women. The blonde one (her name is Candy) use to work at a bank as Auditor's Concubine. The other blonde one (her name is Spam or something) is an escapee from a work release program at a mink farm. The two gals share the same core competencies (both having the IQ of a door knocker) so they establish themselves as a L.L.C. and become dynamite-toting bank robbers. Well, these ladies achieve a paradigm shift in the felonious service sector. Robbing banks is easy because they live in this mythical Southern state where blonde guys help felons in exchange for a toolshed quickie, police cars are unmarked because kids keep stripping them, and law enforcement officials carry such ranks as Sonny, Earl, or Nephew. Also, Cindy and Spam only rob banks that display the Confederate flag, which puts every case outside of the FBI's jurisdiction. When the ladies hit a convenience store by mistake, they walk away with a complimentary hostage. Slim (the hostage is named Slim) once played the son on that 'Rifleman' tv show. He's all grown up now and completely forgotten the important lessons his Rifledaddy taught him in those 169 episodes. The ladies offer him an opening position, combined with a great oral benefits package, so he signs on as a junior partner. Well, pretty soon they diversify into other specialties like hijacking honeymoon suites and deflowering bellboys. This has a negative impact on their corporate mission and undermines their key strengths. Slim gets blown away by the police while shopping for a gun rack for his white Rolls Royce. Candy and Spam get caught while asking for directions to Bolivia and are sentenced to a lifetime of community service in Sid and Marty Kroft t.v. productions.

PRO-SEPTIC
ReaperG> Sounds like the Hee Haw gang doing the "Shaft" theme.
Balthayzr> Jerry Lawler goes trolling for a date.
Ironf> These girls are too old for Lawler.
Cthulhu> The Tumbleweeds are fleeing in fear of this movie.
Ironf> This is the cracker version of Psycho, isn't it?
Balthayzr> Nothing like a Confederate Flag in a bank to inspire confidence, huh?
ReaperG> 'Come on, Susan. Hef sent me to save you.'
Ironf> BOOM.
Balthayzr> And they drive over the bomb.
Ironf> Of course.
Cthulhu> The Hick Blue Line.
ReaperG> God, this movie is making my neck red.
Cthulhu> The Joods... 40 years later.
Ironf> This is the movie that started the car surfing craze.
Balthayzr> 'Here's the money for your Hair Club For Men Membership, daddy!'
Ironf> Ahh he's chewing a chaw.
BEMaven> 'you held up a bank with a giant tampon? gross!'
ReaperG> Super Redneck Mario.
Cthulhu> So robbery is OK as long as it saves cheap, dumb, white trash?
Ironf> His fly away hair migrated away, didn't it?
Balthayzr> 'Your first robbery. Let me get the camera!'
ReaperG> Ralph Reed launches his career.
Balthayzr> Ass, gas or grass.
Ironf> No diggety.
Cthulhu> Then she gets picked up by Hunter S. Thompson and Dr. Gonzo.
Balthayzr> Just what the world needed. A female version of Road To MooseJaw.
BEMaven> jug band and Panavision. it seems sooooo wrong.
Cthulhu> It's a the Eddie Bauer "patchwork" chevy.
Ironf> Will they share the love that dare not speak it's name?
BEMaven> robbers and whores. product placement for the Old South.
Cthulhu> I thought that this was the New South, BEM.
Cthulhu> Nothing is impossible with DYNAMITE!
BEMaven> 'i'm a quick learner... i know how to operate a match.'
Cthulhu> Unfortantly the guards are armed with supersoakers.
ReaperG> Col. Sanders's other job.
Balthayzr> Here! Use these bread sticks to open the safe!
IronF> "I said BLOW IT!"
ReaperG> 'No, not him, I mean the safe!'
Balthayzr> Hit them a few times, that should set them off.
Cthulhu> Should you be behind some cover?
ReaperG> The dynamite farted.
BEMaven> 'you dummy! that wasn't dynamite! that was our sex candle.'
Trademark> Ah, the days of dull car paints.
Cthulhu> Man! They couldn't even afford police lights for this movie.
Balthayzr> No expense has been spared to bring you this exciting 1-car chase!
ReaperG> You can play "Match Game PM" with this editing.
Trademark> This is southern courting, is what it is.
Balthayzr> And we have screeching-tires-on-dirt sign.
BEMaven> cop cars and old dynamite. drivers training in the old South.
Trademark> No, not the o.b.!
ReaperG> That dirt blowed up real good.
Trademark> Huh. Now it's ready for the front yard.
Cthulhu> Police Car designed by Edward Teller.
Ironf> neeeehaaaaw.
ReaperG> Here's where they meet Brad Pitt.
Cthulhu> It the Dryiest Little Whorehouse in Texas.
Ironf> So let's GIT IT ON.
ReaperG> She looks like the redneck version of Jodie Foster in "Taxi Driver"
BEMaven> in other words, Jodie Foster.
Cthulhu> Ben Murphy?
Balthayzr> "Strip-mining"
ReaperG> "Couldja repeat the 'strip' part?"
Balthayzr> So, between the 3 of them, how much BO and cheap cigarette odor you think there is?
BEMaven> 'no permit? sorry, i can't sell ya dynamite... just assault weapons.'
Cthulhu> OK, I'll get you turkeys some dynamite, be mellow like me, Ben Murphy.
Trademark> Oh yeah, the lumpy make-out furniture.
BEMaven> and the lumpy make-out music.
* Cthulhu rushes out and buys several tons of Dynamite and waits for the chicks to come in.
BEMaven> is this the Southern Man that folk singer wouldn't shut up about?
Trademark> Dunno, but his good book is probably a Ford repair manual.
ReaperG> BEM, he don't need Neil Young around anyhow.
BEMaven> hot damn, they're rich already. they can afford an AMC Matador.
Ironf> She's trying to find a bench to sit on and wait for Artie.
Balthayzr> Is it customary down south to wear your Sunday-Go-To Meeting clothes to robberies?
Trademark> The movie that unabashedly shows you pigtails.
Balthayzr> "Could we hurry? I have a grabber scheduled in 10 minutes."
ReaperG> Bruno De Sota!
BEMaven> white glove inspection, Mr. Bank Manager. Bend over.
Trademark> You want I should freeze, or drop to the floor?
BEMaven> "she's a bitch shorter than i am"?
Trademark> His enormous sideburns got in the way...
Balthayzr> Good thing Southern Woman are resisitant to shock waves.
Trademark> 'I even rememberd the dye pack!'
BEMaven> so...what are the odds that 3 sticks of dynamite would blow that bank vault?
Trademark> That was the hobgoblin vault--it was unlocked.
Trademark> The World's Shortest Police Chases.
Balthayzr> Penthouse Forum: The Motion Picture.
Cthulhu> "Can't we just clear this up with some sex?"
Balthayzr> 'Here, blow into this "Breathalyzer"'.
Ironf> Have you met our Governer, Bill?
Trademark> It's Officer Stunted.
Balthayzr> And he has Electra Woman and Dyna Girl Under-roos.
BEMaven> george bush jr on his first day as a Texas ranger.
Balthayzr> Since when does Variety review bank robberies?
Cthulhu> Since Patty Hearst, Balth?
ReaperG> We've got nipple sign!
Balthayzr> Must be cold in that store.
Trademark> Mr. Whipple, convenience store security.
ReaperG> $16! They're set!
Balthayzr> How Ted Turner funded his first TV Station.
ReaperG> I don't care if they're pointing a gun at me, I really envy that guy.
Balthayzr> Always a good idea to repeatedly call each other's names during a robbery.
Cthulhu> Oh yeah... obviously a graduate of the Gunsite Training School.
Trademark> The raison d'etre of the NRA, Cthu.
BEMaven> that guy looks like he's sitting on the stick shift.
Balthayzr> Isn't this that Aerosmith Video?
ReaperG> And they accidentally blow his head off, like "Pulp Fiction".
Cthulhu> A young Jeffery Sinclair gets lucky.
BEMaven> and they collide head-on with the ZZ-Top car. the end.
Balthayzr> 85 bucks for the bridal suite! I hope it comes with His & Hers Spittoons!
* Balthayzr cues up Porn music.
Cthulhu> Why is Gene Shalit one of their Bell hops?
BEMaven> "a fully equipped wet bar"... namely, the faucet.
ReaperG> The bed comes with a WHAT?
Ironf> With 8-track.
Balthayzr> With 5 channels of On-TV.
* Cthulhu wants to be a hostage!
Ironf> 'We need a fourth.'
Balthayzr> 'Can you send up another sex slave? We broke ours.'
BEMaven> dynamite. champagne. poor white trash. and a hostage. all the makings of a Corman wrap party.
Balthayzr> "Here, drink some Mr. Bubble."
ReaperG> Damn, I want to be a bellhop now.
Cthulhu> I hope he can fit this into his one 15 minute break.
Ironf> Balth, you edit movies down like this, don't you?
Trademark> Whoa, it's a meta-sex flashback.
Balthayzr> I'd get fired for editing like this.
Balthayzr> When did we go from Country to Smooth Jazz?
Cthulhu> When the tuner got stuck on the public radio station, Balth.
Ironf> Dino-mite is NOT a substitute for the Penetron 2000.
Balthayzr> This film has more padding than a Sumo Suit.
Trademark> Do we have time for another bath?
Balthayzr> "Cops? That's OK, they can join in, too."
Cthulhu> It's a sad, sad, thing when TBS thinks chopped up soft-core porn is entertainment.
Cthulhu> Mmmmm... nice Macanudo.
BEMaven> a white rolls. real inconspicuous.
BEMaven> one more stupid move..? that would bring their total to 546.
Balthayzr> So, no one's thought of putting a guard outside, looking for skinny women with lit sticks of dynamite. Huh.
Cthulhu> You just describe most of the women in Texas, Balth. Please be more specific.
Balthayzr> And they go fishing with the dynamite. It *is* Texas.
Trademark> So he gave up the good outlaw life to go live in a halfway house?
Balthayzr> Catch and release sex slaves.
ReaperG> The bus driver was that bank manager guy.
Balthayzr> Let's see. Have sex with two sluts, or go home, where he's lost everything by now.
ReaperG> Rolls Royces and dirt roads go hand in hand.
BEMaven> why is he wearing wallpaper?
ReaperG> 'Yer a coupla darn smoochers, ain't ya?'
Balthayzr> 'Can we have the Jungle Jim Fantasy room? For my sisters, I mean.'
Trademark> He isn't going to sing the "Doxidan" song is he?
BEMaven> please, he's dangerous with a guitar.
Balthayzr> And I sing whenever I sing whenever I sing.....
ReaperG> "I call this tune 'Ode the the White Man'".
THX-1138> Remember kids, only love pads a film.
BEMaven> let him use a stick of dynamite as a guitar pick. please.
BEMaven> 'cop car with real lights. damn, we're in real trouble.'
Balthayzr> Bet that stings.
Trademark> Just restocking the lake...
Cthulhu> See you later... CHUM!!!
Trademark> Southern game management.
Balthayzr> "He went for that Keds sneaker! You saw him, earl!"
Cthulhu> Did we just miss a wet tee-shirt?
Balthayzr> "We'll find you another sex slave at the pound, honey."
BEMaven> so did the movie, Cth.
Trademark> Oh, get over it already. Geez, that's the third "hostage" we've lost.
BEMaven> post-coital hostage depression.
Trademark> They're going down in a blaze of eyeshadow.
THX-1138> It's gonna suck when they try to rob a bank filled with suicidal customers and bank tellers.
Trademark> Too bad they robbed the Bank of Police Training.
Balthayzr> Nice of the streets to be pre-skid marked.
Cthulhu> The Keystone Sluts.
Trademark> What's with the "Rocky" music?
Balthayzr> "We can stop them with these taped-together hot dogs!"
Cthulhu> And that explosion broke the budget.
Balthayzr> "And they rode over the hill, safe because the budget ran out. The end."
Cthulhu> CREW IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE?!?!?!
BEMaven> bet the director's name appears last.
Cthulhu> So what did we learn?
Cthulhu> I learned that sex is a form of currency in Texas.
Trademark> I learned that I'm so much the better for never having watched "The Dukes of Hazzard" as a kid.
Balthayzr> I learned the South is full of dynamite-toting sluts. No, wait, I knew that.
BEMaven> i also learned you can bump a honeymoon couple out of their suite for just $100. that's what i call fun.
Trademark> It'd take some clever ruse involving a cell phone and a Jeep these days, BEM.
BEMaven> and a chainsaw, mark.
Balthayzr> For 200, they could have just joined them.

PRO-DEPRESSANT
"The only job you gotta do is on me."
"In a strange sorta way, I'm kinda proud."
"You sure pulled it off, didn't you?"
"Gimme a stick that works!"
"So there's no danger in blowing."
"Oh, and I....uh, the hotel is full service."
"So.....you wanna?"
"I knew they were trash the moment I saw them."
"Open your drawers."
"This isn't what i came for!"
"I can't run with this bad arm!"

PRO-INFLAMATORY
A special dedication to the creative genius who made this movie possible...

Come and listen to the story of Alfred Nobel.
A Swedish cuss who mixed things that were volatile.

Didn't like gunpowder, so he and his kin,
Manufactured something called nitroglycerin.

('Nitro' for short.
Also called 'Soup' and 'Bang Juice'.)

But he found some magic dirt and mixed it in right,
To make a batch of stuff he called 'Dynamite'.

(T.N.T. to some.
Gelignite to other folk.)

"My discoveries made money but they cost a lot of lives.
To make things square, I'll create a special prize."

(The Nobel Prize.
Goes to clever folks each year,
Who try not to blow other folks up.)

PRO-CLIMATIC
In keeping with the spirit of redneck chase movies, we now close this HomeGame with outtakes from the production:

Shaft> Well, then there's a pregnant elephant? Or was that a Bill Murray movie....?
Balthayzr> Did Burt have a stroke during the movie?
Shaft> A stroke of Sally Fields.
RobertH> Again, I ask, how long does the upcoming film last?
Balthayzr> It's always about length with you, isn't it?
* Shaft has left.
Cthulhu> Poor kitty... didn't ask to be in this movie.
Ironf> Respect the Cat.
BEMaven> he learned to splay from the pet cat.
* Tempesta has joined.
* Tempesta walks in, sits at the bar, and crosses her legs.
* Balthayzr crosses his buns.
* Trademark crosses the streams.
* Cthulhu crosses the Rubicon.
* Tempesta sighs, walks out.
Ironf> From a three way to a Sam Neil closeup. Not pleasent.
BEMaven> i did not see a SWAT leader squat in front of a battering ram. no, sirreee.
* Blackrose has joined.
* Blackrose has left.
BEMaven> Mary ann and the Professor. i always knew it.
Cthulhu> So who did Giligan end up with?
Cthulhu> Don't answer....
Balthayzr> The Harlem Globetrotters.

ROSCOOOOOOOE!