x125 GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS (5/26/98)

MOVIE
Yeah boyeeeee, it's the O. G. (original Godzilla) throwin' mad signz yo' way. In this tender tribute to American occupation in Japan, Raymond "basso profundo" Burr plays Steve Martin, an American journalist on the loose in Tokyo, looking for some sweet sweet pachinko, ifyaknowwhatimean, and I think you do. Alas, all he finds is a young houseboy, a.k.a. Lieutenant Hideto. Burr is on a mission to report the truth and provide American viewing audiences a reason to watch rubber-suited Japanese guys. Playing on the anxiety caused by America's friendly incineration and mutation of thousands of Japanese civilians less than 10 years ago, Toho Studios decides to create a happy monster from the atomic tests of Eisenhower-era U.S. of A., and thus, a legend is born. Ironically, this 1954 version of the King of all Monsters actually looks a lot like Devlin and Emmerich's filthy love child. Anyway, there's much destruction of peaceful, Emperor-fearing Japanese people and property, Raymond gets to do a bitchin' voiceover, and we discover that man is a feeling creature, and because of it, the greatest in the universe...

I AM DISRESPECTFUL TO DIRT
Ironf> Thanks to the American pig dogs, this is all we have left.
THX-1138> Someone get him his wheelchair
MrBooze> The tragic aftermath of LA Story.
Ironf> I'm...just...a...wild...and...crazy...guy.
THX-1138> A theoretical scientist for a theoretical future.
SirDude> Jimmy's toy boat sank in his tub today at 11:45.
Ironf> Sir, would you please come this way for a body cavity search.
MrBooze> Which way to the young girls for sale?
THX-1138> We've heard you are a wild and crazy guy.
THX-1138> I didn't get any peanuts...and the stewardess had sex with me, if that's unusual
THX-1138> Mr. Martin, welcome to the 5 timers club
MrBooze> Yes, that's right. Building code under fire!
THX-1138> Of course the meeting would have started much sooner if not for all the damn bowing.
Ironf> Wow his yodelling leaves something to be desired.
MSTPoopie> Please God, don't let there be little children with their frightening pants.
dungarees> Is he having visions of the virgin AGAIN?
Ironf> Him or Sum Yung Guy?
THX-1138> What did he say? "This is all Gilligan's fault."
SirDude> So, we're alone, in the woods, in the dark. What do you want to do?
dungarees> The morning after...I hate it. What was your name? Were you, by any chance, female last night?
dungarees> Man, they pitched a VERY little tent
dungarees> So Parkinson's is a dominant feature in Godzilla movies. I hadn't realized that.
SirDude> That's what you get when you make your houses out of paper.
dungarees> The next morning, the partridge family arrived.
SirDude> They left the rest of the islanders are apitizers for Godzilla.
MrBooze> By my calculations, someone's cat went pootie in this well.
THX-1138> This ground is dangerous! Everybody, please levitate.
MrBooze> Three-winged worm? How many asses does it have?
SirDude> There's a sale at Okiwa's Bridal Komodo Outlet!
Ironf> And we have rear projection
THX-1138> At that moment, I knew I had to marry that monster.
SirDude> Sock puppet from hell!
MrBooze> Kukla, exposed to the mutagen, rampages through the hill and dell
Ironf> Nice of Joe Bob to mention Dianetics earlier.
Ironf> As a matter of fact, it is so scary I can hardly sit in my chair and talk in this monotone voice.
THX-1138> But what about RADAR!
THX-1138> Meanwhile at the meth lab.
Ironf> What this movie really needs is some good porn music and Godzilla doing a happy dance.
* THX-1138 laughs at how the background sounds carry over into the next scene
THX-1138> What's under my eye patch
dungarees> It's the everlasting gobstopper machin!
SirDude> It's the worlds 18th largest fish tank. What do you think
dungarees> Suddenly he's Stevie Nicks?
Ironf> Uh oh the fish is going to throw a rod.
MrBooze> All that sushi...RUINED!
Ironf> But you really should be more careful about putting the patch on the SAME eye every day.
MrBooze> I gotta go drain the dragon.
Ironf> And now for some sweet Japanese self abuse.
SirDude> Well it's a bad sign when your boat's called Tasty Morsel.
Ironf> Again with the Japanese army.
SirDude> America, feeling nastalgic at the sight of a Japanese army, drops anouther Atomic Bomb on them.
Ironf> You know, she really isn't that pretty. She's no Chase Masterson.
MrBooze> She's not even Bat Masterson.
ServoT> She's no Chevy Chase either
Ironf> Well she has Chase Masterson sized talents, but the mail gal's are saggy.
Ironf> Which more than likely means they are real talents and not bought talent.
THX-1138> And I bet she won't say your name like Chase Masterson would
ServoT> ...line!....LINE!
dungarees> In all the hullaballoo interogating her, they forgot to milk Bossie
* MrBooze cracks up at 78rpm godzilla theme.
Ironf> You know it awful the way Nessie slept her way into this role.
THX-1138> Warrrrrriors. Come out and plaaaaaay.
* MrBooze will be seeing randomly inserted shots of Raymond Burr in his dreams tonight.
SirDude> There you go again Iron. That's really not nice.
THX-1138> Perry the Mason looks on at the damage.
Ironf> Godzilla is gonna need a damned good lawyer to get outta this one.
hullo> godzilla hates the dock section for some reason.
MrBooze> Someone needs to tell Bow that he *MUST* insert random footage of Raymond Burr into his movie.
dungarees> What this movie needs is Devo and some Space Authority
hullo> so how does 3000 volts compare to something so big?
Ironf> Well remember, they are on the metric system, so it's different.
ServoT> hullo: about like a 9volt battery to the tounge
THX-1138> Well, we know how bad 220V is from Goldfoot and the Girlbombs.
MrBooze> By this time my lungs were aching for radioactive breath
dungarees> Meanwhile, at the improv
ServoT> he's playing with his GIJoe action team walkie talkie
hullo> they cant kill him, they have to do play by play first
Ironf> What they need to do is have us drop another bomb and creat another monster to do battle with Godzilla.
hullo> his tail has a mind of its own
hullo> 'zilla blows
THX-1138> He needs some Breath Asure
dungarees> Maybe if they didn't make their cars out of rice candy they wouldn't have these problems?
SirDude> That means, "Oh crap."
ServoT> he's telling them to increase productivity
THX-1138> Haha!
Ironf> Nice girlie scream
Ironf> Godzilla got back
ServoT> He crashed Ghostbuster HQ!
THX-1138> Steve Martin! You jerk!
Ironf> "I love my giant monster" Next on Springer
THX-1138> And now for the power lift portion of the competiton
dungarees> Godzilla is really the ROdney Dangerfield of mutant monsters
Ironf> The doctor's last words were 'wosebud'
THX-1138> Dissolves all oxygen in water, leaving only safe hydrogen
hullo> without oxygen, fish become floating bones
THX-1138> So they're gonna march all their kids off to fight Godzilla
hullo> no, the kids are going to be used to test the oxygen destroyer
MrBooze> He's so concerned about life he's afraid to use the destroyer, and yet he has no problem showing it off to his chick.
MrBooze> McHale is called in to take care of this little Japenese problem.
MrBooze> Poor godzilla...he's just trying to sleep off last night's meal of Tanaka bay.
THX-1138> Bob, come back. My foots stuck in a giant oyster
Ironf> He is just doing water airobics
MrBooze> Release the baking soda!
Ironf> Looks to me like it puts Oxygen into the water.
THX-1138> New and improved cleansing action
MrBooze> Oh, that feels WONDERFUL. I feel so tingly!
THX-1138> At least it'll get his dentures clean
MrBooze> I feel kinda logey.
Ironf> and he takes a giant breath, so next?
MrBooze> No, Ironf. It's like dissolving him. It has nothing to do with breathing.
hullo> can he hold his breath for long enough to survive, folks?
Ironf> Oh, did I miss something since I wasn't paying attention again
hullo> how does the abscence of oxygen kill something?
THX-1138> Not that the rest of the world cares. Afterall, Godzilla seems to have a grudge against Japan only
MrBooze> Well, Japan and New York. Still, I can live with that.
dungarees> The slut was doin' godzilla too?
MrBooze> It like stripped the oxygen out of the molecules of living creatures or something.
Ironf> I learned that a movie can explain something when I am not watching, and I can still enjoy the movie just the same.
MrBooze> I learned that everything is better with random shots of Raymond Burr.

FAILED PROTOTYPES

So it's 1954, you're a Japanese filmmaker, and you need to come up with a horrifying representation of nature's disdain for Americans nuking school children and the elderly. Strangely enough, Godzilla wasn't the first idea to come down the pipe at Toho Studios. There were plenty of failed ideas that never got off the drawing board. Some were recycled into future monsters (Mothra, for instance, was initially a giant Japanese Zero piloted by the cutesy Mothra twins) but most were intercepted by CIA agents in a brilliant sweep of propaganda counter-intel. Here, for the first time, are the unclassified files.

Mecha-MacArthur
Turned into an atomic monster when someone leaves a neptunium cake out in the rain, General Douglas MacArthur becomes the mighty Mecha-MacArthur and takes vengeance against the American occupation forces. Mecha-MacArthur is only defeated when U.S. Marine Corporal Alek Lee Hidell fires a high-powered Italian rifle equipped with special antidote bullets at the monster from the sixth floor of the Atsugi Air Force Base PX.

Mecha-MacArthur before destroying the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Unit in Korea. Notice his secret weapon, the Cyber-Corncob-Pipe.

Yimata, the Happy Fun Uranium-235 Molecule
Yimata was the attempt to make nuclear burns and subsequent environmental mutations fun for the entire family. After being rejected as the villain for the Godzilla franchise, Yimata was used in Japanese educational filmstrips, instructing kids to "Duck, Cover, and Commit Ritual Seppuku" when they saw the thermonuclear flash of light. Original, in-package "Yimata's Little Buddy Suicide Katanas" sell for as much as six million yen to discerning otaku.

Here, thousands of identically-dressed Japanese cramschoolchildren prepare to calmly die at the hands of the Russians.

Porupufu Girl Pack Action Squad
An attempt to cripple the American occupation forces with terminal cuteness, Japanese propaganda experts created these three loveable tykes. All three characters are Japanese in extraction, but have Caucasian features and hair colors, setting the bar for future ethnically-confused anime directors. They were never used, and later resurfaced as the cute "Powerpuff Girls," "created" by Genndy Tartofsky. Tartofsky, ostensibly an innocent Russo-American animator, is actually a third-generation deep cover KGB agent. After the fall of the Soviet Union, he decided to utilize these scrapped girl characters to make some money for his new masters, the Russian mob. Tartofsky was later busted by Detectives Briscoe and Logan of the NYPD.

Original concept sketch for "Porupufu Girl Pack Action Squad: Defendresses of the Emperor," circa 1952

Lone Wolf and Cub
What the fuck can Lone Wolf and Cub do? It's a guy who swings his son around and hits people with him. That's, like, child abuse or something. Those Japanese are fucked up. Fuck.

What the fuck?