x61 GALAXIS (1/17/98)

MOVIE
Well, Joe-Bob Briggs has introduced us to another new level of hell. In this one, we have Bull from Night Court as an "Evil Space Guy" that is looking for a crystal. No not some meth, but a crystal that was formed at the beginning of time and has untold power. Well, he destroys this one planet where Sam Raimi was an underling. Brigitte Nielsen was on this planet, and she's a great n' powerful warrior, or some crap. Anyway, she's all decked out in leather, so she must be a hero. She escapes from the planet and finds out that there is another crystal on Earth, so she tries to get here and get it before Bull. After getting here, she finds out that some guy named Jed has the crystal. JEEEEEEEDDDD!!!. Of course he doesn't know what he has until he is told by Rambo's leftovers. Well, he is already being chased by this loanshark's cronies, so what's an intergalactic killer? So Brigitte protects the semi wormy guy from the weak Earth men while decked in a dominatrix outfit the whole time. Moll shows up to create a little trouble, but Wormy and Bridge are able to put a stop to him in the end. Duh. Anywho, she leaves with out him scoring with her and the natural order of the universe is restored. Thank you, drive thru.

CRIMINAL COURT PART 2 IS NOW IN SESSION
cthulhu> Insert 2 credits.
Elroy-L> and a dingo ate my baby....
Balthayzr> "I brake for Negative Scratches."
BryanL> Quick! Into the matte painting!
mgrasso> brigitte *is* shaquille o'neal in "steel II, judgement day"
dungarees> Her breastplates are sagging. I'd go for a class action law suit
Bice> Why does the leader have a different accent from his followers?
BryanL> You know, this sucks, but I bet when it was done, the special effects guys high-fived each other.
dungarees> Was it necessary for him to brace his pocket rocket against his area?
BryanL> So, the villain wins in the first five minutes, the end? I could get into this.
THX-1138> Fight back...don't let anyone rip you off.
BryanL> The music makes me think his death is important, but I know better.
Balthayzr> Have we ever had a movie that sucked so much, this fast?
mgrasso> good to see that liquor laws haven't changed in 3000 years
mgrasso> like the protagonist of time chasers, i refuse to believe that the bespactacled mama's boy is our hero
dungarees> Did we need to see every second of the package fondling?
Balthayzr> "Full body cavity search. Don't stop until you hit teeth."
Bice> Coors paid to have Budwiser's name placed in this movie.
BryanL> She's made of liquid crap.
KevinL> Okay. This movie is a giant demon cock, full of infected sperm, and we have to suck it for 2 hours. It's worse than getting ass-raped by an eight-dicked walrus.
Balthayzr> Hey! That's right! We we're cheated of a Gang rape!
dungarees> You think that an all powerful mistress of the universe could afford to have that tooth gap fixed
mgrasso> wow, pimps have really gotten organized
bowleg> man, we can't solve the case. Call in that Family Matters guy.
bowleg> Um, why were there movie posters on the wall? MAYBE BECAUSE THIS IS THE FUCKING FILM PRODUCTION COMPANY'S OFFICES! ARGHHHHHHHHH!
Q> uh, someone needs to tell the young mrs brady that it's not good manners to follow a fellow into the john
KevinL> Good thing that wooden elevator gate was energy-blast proof.
Ironf> Yes everyone instinctivly knows how to hotwire a truck.
Bice> Subway...oh god not, not the Warriors!!!
THX-1138> Movies with gay porn sub-text always makes for a good homegame
Balthayzr> Movie contains 56% new urinating action!
Ironf> Shoot him in the eye, it's squishy.
ServoT> He's using the freakin force
Balthayzr> He's bulletproof. And a spellcaster. So, he needs to shapeshift to get to Wormy Hero?
cthulhu> Excuse me, Mr Shannon, George Lucas' Lawyers on line two.
mgrasso> plot by mrs. wilson's kindergarten class
Balthayzr> I find the fact that Bridgette still finds acting parts disturbing.
dungarees> That's a very concealing dress for a prostitute
THX-1138> These two are a Jerry Springer couple in the works.
Bice> That guy in the background's boobs are almost as big as Bridgettes.
BryanL> So, he's bluffing with all his money on a pair of twos.
cthulhu> You do remember your business associate, do you?
THX-1138> DAmmit, you know I can't read!
dungarees> What this movie needs is Shaft
Bice> Beer makes this movie go down a lot smoother...
ACTION ServoT considers the life early 20th century Russian advisor, Gregorii Efimovich Rasputin
Ironf> So JJ's dad didn't die, he just moved and became a cop?
Merlynn> Anyone particularly care how this movie ends?
Bice> Farting floorboards, farting pipes, this movie's got it all.
Ironf> I only care that Chunky Chunk and his Funky bunch get killed along with everyone else.
Balthayzr> The guys who own this place must make a mint renting it out to bad movies.
BryanL> I'M DR. TAYLOR NEGRON!!!
Balthayzr> So, we bleep out ass, but leave in bitch?
bowleg> what the hell just happened?
dungarees> Did she just nudge him in the nipple with her gun?
Balthayzr> "This looks like the beginning of an abivilent friendship"
cthulhu> I learned that Altoids unlock the secrets of the universe.
mgrasso> i learned that explosions and breasts can be unimpressive and even depressing in some movies
Q> i learned that joxer's big brother blows up real good
dungarees> I learned that Brigette has a 'no nookie with wormy guys' clause in all contracts
cthulhu> I learned that Richard Moll should have just stayed as Bull.
ServoT> I learned that checking your e-mail is much more interesting
Bice> I learned that crystals = suck.
Balthayzr> I learned not to hide in big abandoned factories.
BryanL> I'm too tired to learn.
HasNoName> I learned not to watch Joe Bob for a while.
Merlynn> I learned we should stick to Sci-Fi Originals.
bowleg> Sorry, i can't think of anything I learned.
Bice> I learned that you people can keep me up waaaaay past my bedtime.
bowleg> Maybe I learned that I don't like the taste of gin.
Ironf> I learned that Joe-Bob's jokes are still worse than any movie we have done.

SHARDS
"And that alcohol you put in your body is going to put you in an early grave!"
"Beat it, grandpa!"
"Ew! It's dirty in here!"
"Nice little suntan... some cheap wine..."
"Top it off with a couple of kilos..."
"Some white marching poweder!"
"How pitiful!"
"I'll squeeze the cider out of yer Adam's apple!"
"for my BROTHER!!!"
"She was dressed like a neo-gothic surfer!"
"You got a big mouth!"
"It seems rational enough... but what a story!"
"I'm a reasonable man. You can trust me...."
"Brainless morons... where were they last?"
"Don't. Even think about it."
"I don't like fighting!"
"Somebody something ripped his face off!"