x223 THE TRIUMPH OF HERCULES
Plus more animated adventures of THE MIGHTY HERCULES
(3/20/99)

Written by Alberto De Martino ("$100,000 for Ringo")and Roberto ("Love Italian Style") Gianviti

MOVIE
Italy's most popular oil-based hero returns in mythical saga that bears little relation to those campy Kevin Sorbo adventures... or anything else produced with a measurable level of talent. This time around, a muscular veteran of Westerns named Dan Vadis stars as the legendary he-man with the creeping hemline. Hercules spends a generous portion of the first act sulking over his failing grade in Mythology II and the fact that he's wearing a huge set of Flash Gordon lapels without a matching shirt. In the nearby kingdom of Akron, a lordy sort of guy named Mallo initiates a coup by killing his political opponents in order of hat size and forming a transition government headed by someone's pet monkey. For emergencies, he can use a magical dirk to summon seven anodized bouncers who will respond to his slightest whim (Most of Mallo's whims are edited out of the American release). Mallo is kept on a short leash by his mother Phlaetuence, a sorceress who can turn the ground under her enemies' feet into a delicious hot cereal. The fabulous Princess Outie (Keeper Of Re-Sized Body Jewelry) and her royal advisor Lowtestes enlist Hercules in a movement to end Mallo's tyranny. As a countermeasure, Phlaetuence uses a spell to convince Hercules that rebel leaders took turns looking up his skirt. An enraged Herc tears down the rebel camp and paddles Lowtestes to death. This prompts a swift punishment from the gods on Olympus, who reduce Herc's physical strength to the equivalent of ten Urkels. Mallo uses this opportunity to arrest Hercules on the charge that he bewitched men into shaving off their chest hair. Herc undergoes a trial by ordeal... forced to endure a session on the Caligula Brand of Nautilus Home Gym to keep Outie from having her abs crushed. At the very last moment, his godly might is restored when he remembers to properly address his father on Olympus as Zeus instead of Jove. Mallo seeks sanctuary in the Temple of Coyoteus (Pagan God Of Illegal Immigration) but dies in a fall from a huge pile of Spice World T-shirts. To escape Hercule's wrath, Phlaetuence tries to change into an exact physical duplicate of Princess Outie. She gets the prescription for Outie's contact lenses wrong and stumbles blindly over the edge of a cliff. Citizens hail Hercules as their champion but can't helping feeling a certain nostalgia for the ten minute reign of the monkey.

RIDER OF HEALTH
my-crow-soft> american pop... bringing you creased men.
Cthulhu> Glockus... errr wait, Hercules.
Balthayzr> The Triumph of a Random Beefy Guy!
my-crow-soft> ohh no... not only is this a herc movie... but it's also french so be preapared to see zeus in a beret.
Cthulhu> An Franco-Italian co production... we are REALLY in trouble this time folks.
BEMaven> uh, why is a movie about ancient Greece using the Volga River Boat song?
Bice> So, things overdubbed into English qualify as *American* movie classics.
Ironf> Spear catching never caught on at the Olympics, did it?
my-crow-soft> send for hurcules.. he'll know how to keep the army men creased.
Plumm> See, this is what happens when you arm IRS agents.
Rolaid> Not even 10 minutes into the movie and already, half the cast has been killed.
Bice> So, life back in Hercules day was basically just one big World Wrestling Federation match.
Ironf> With less oil.
Djenk> And less beer.
BEMaven> "hercules was a friend of panty liners"?
THX-1138> Why is Spock's dad in this?
my-crow-soft> ohh no I dream of Jeannie.
THX-1138> You know a fart is bad when it's colored.
Bice> Mom, I asked you to stop smoking...
Plumm> Wow, the ancient gods lived in a bong, huh?
Ironf> Why do old women wear so much perfume?
Balthayzr> Here, have a Franklin Mint letter opener. Always makes me feel better.
my-crow-soft> she has the magic to remotely start the background music.
Balthayzr> And he stepped in soggy Raisin Bran.
Djenk> Help! I'm trapped in slightly dirty water!
Bice> Herc is having trouble deciding what to do, whereas Lassie would have known right away.
Balthayzr> Hercules! This stuff is ruining my peddle pushers!!
Ironf> Close those legs MISTER!
Balthayzr> Herc? This is no time to play Marco Polo!!!
Cthulhu> Will you get on with it and stop clowning around!
THX-1138> "Uhhh... mmm... hurry... Hercules... hurry..."
Bice> He's got a soggy diaper that leaks.
Plumm> wow, he shat himself.
Balthayzr> Wow, so one yelling guy can overthrow a civilization?
Plumm> balth: hitler, stalin, etc, etc. so, yes.
Rolaid> People are jumping left and right, everyone's beating each other down with sticks and aluminum swords, typical fight scene without Herc in it.
Bice> Attack of the larger than life oscar award.
Djenk> They're members of the BWO - Bronze World Order!
Cthulhu> That will teach you to get your bows from Nerf.
BEMaven> 'stand and fight, men! they're just Chippendales.'
Balthayzr> Uh, is there gonna be a plot in this, or is it just 2 hours of fencing practice?
BEMaven> ...and they mince up to the Palace.
Ironf> as they should.
my-crow-soft> ahh they had cigarettes and ashtrays back in greece ?
BEMaven> Hercules pensive? that's like saying Drew Barrymore demure.
Balthayzr> And Bottle Cap Helmet Man arrives!
Bice> The "plot" in this movie just sets up the fights, sorta the way the "plot" of a porno sets up the sex.
Ironf> as it should.
Cthulhu> They use foam for currency.
BEMaven> he wields great magic. his armor is covered with Pringles.
Cthulhu> It's Marlynn Manson's canopy bed.
Plumm> Bice, the Italian release of this actually was a porno.
Bice> Seriously? That explains a *lot*.
Balthayzr> A gift from Joe?
Cthulhu> Jove... they're mixing their gods here.
Bice> The colleseum draws in crowds by the dozens.
BEMaven> it's a Greco-Roman mixer. get ready for man-boy love.
THX-11381> Why is Obi-Wan here?
Balthayzr> What bombastic tune do they play when the king goes potty?
Bice> "Your meatloaf can govern my city?"
THX-11381> Cue the Star Trek fight music.
Cthulhu> They're fighting with sparklers.
Balthayzr> What sort of man is this that can make armor from Hot Dog Buns?
Djenk> Having failed to burn each other, the gladitors are reduced to mere clobbering....
Balthayzr> Yes, audience reaction shots work so well when you do it in tight close-up.
Bice> Jeeze, these close-ups are close enough to count the pores on their noses.
my-crow-soft> do so...
THX-11381> His chariot has some nice rims.
BEMaven> why does his chariot need curb feelers?
Rolaid> The supporting cast is doing more things than the main character is.
BEMaven> with those wheel blades, that chariot must be a bitch to parallel park.
Balthayzr> Worse when he pulls over to pick up passengers.
Balthayzr> OK, so all the fights in Rome were settled in a sandbox?
THX-11381> Where's Mills Lane to break this up.
Plumm> Ben-Crap.
BEMaven> Herc is only lightly pensive now. perhaps we'll see some action.
Balthayzr> Why do all the guards have circular snow sleds?
BEMaven> "i challenge Gordo of my semen"?
Cthulhu> AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! The Greeks didn't have plebeians!!!!!
Ironf> They have that experimental lube on them that they got from Mr. Griswald.
Rolaid> Job was the father of all the Gods? I thought it was Zeus, or did they just alter Greek Mythology again?
my-crow-soft> boy he's really riding herc. i mean really RIDIN...
BEMaven> Jove is on Mount Olympus? Zeus is gonna to be pissed.
Cthulhu> Wait till Ares finds out that Mars is trying to get it on with Athrodite.
BEMaven> Didn't Hera leave Zeus for Jove? I heard she was shackin' up with an Italian.
Rolaid> No one noticed a bunch of spikes?
Balthayzr> See? I told you to spend the extra 50 for the *good* Hercules Trap!!
THX-11381> Someone in the audience had a Genie remote! HE must have caused the door to close.
my-crow-soft> meatloaf rescued her ?
Ironf> Maybe an airplane passed overhead.
Rolaid> It must be difficult for the pores to breathe under all that gold make-up.
Balthayzr> Cut them open and eat the chocolate inside, men!!
Rolaid> Has anyone explained yet where all these Super-wrestlers came from?
BEMaven> the Cybernauts look naked without their raincoats.
Rolaid> We've found someone dumber than Herc!
Cthulhu> Trained at the 3 Stooges Academy in Sparta!
my-crow-soft> the monkey is not going to give up the magic dagger.
Rolaid> They're all lined up for Herc to kill.
Cthulhu> Did I just hear the squeak of styrofoam?
Balthayzr> And we have Stooges Slap Sign.
Cthulhu> Monkey's got a bit of a power trip going there.
my-crow-soft> damn it... get me my bananas.. i'm begining to be a very chicki monkey
Balthayzr> The monkey actually won the last election. he's just hanging around till the FBI recounts the votes.
Plumm> what the FBI doesn't know is that the CIA-manipulated computerized results installed the monkey in the first place!
BEMaven> "auntie is the only one who can explain everything"?
Balthayzr> You know, I'm beginning to wish Arnold Stang was in this.
Ironf> So the monkey went from this movie, to wearing a costume and doing the sock monkey intel ads. Is that a upwards or downwards movement?
Balthayzr> Why is Herc wearing a door knocker on his groin? Uh, never mind...
BEMaven> hey, there's a trash dumpster in the background.
THX-11381> Hercules has gone mad!
Cthulhu> Herc... That's the outhouse.
Ironf> Who knew the Greeks were fans of tartan.
BEMaven> 'uh, we liked it better when you wuz pensive, Herc.'
THX-11381> Never hide Herc's Archie comics.
Balthayzr> Roid rage. Whoda thunk it?
BEMaven> let us all prey that Herc never conducts a strip search.
Ironf> We now join Gladiators, on patrol.
my-crow-soft> herc got dumped by his boyfreind.
Balthayzr> Someone wanna stop Herc from wrecking the Girl Scout Camp?
Balthayzr> Nice couliottes, Herc.
Ironf> I hope no other Roman's are taping this beating.
Cthulhu> He's going to just pimp slap this guy around, right?
Rolaid> Herc killed someone? Wow.
THX-11381> Wha? Who ripped the record?
BEMaven> who farted? Jove or Zeus?
Ironf> now you must wear this ring and act in gay cartoons.
THX-11381> His rage will be impotent?
Cthulhu> But if Zeus is a god, wouldn't he know it was a ruse?
Rolaid> So, Herc is a wuss now?
Cthulhu> As if he wasn't already.
Rolaid> I guess that means they can start using the Prop budget on real Metal.
Balthayzr> Think Bullfinch's Mythology mentions Shaved Armpits?
Rolaid> *sigh* Even when he's a wuss, groups of soldiers attack him one by one.
BEMaven> "hercules is only a little stronger than you are." and you are easily more pensive than he.
Cthulhu> The guards speak for us all.
Rolaid> I've been waiting for this scene for a LONG time!!
Plumm> this is the beginning of Xena! Next, from THE ACTION PACK.
Cthulhu> Whoa... for a moment I thought this was really turning into a porn.
my-crow-soft> XENA's skirt is actually longer than hercs.....
BEMaven> don't tell me they're going to have another spiky door accident.
Balthayzr> What's this? Hercules captured? his girlfriend put on the rack by the Joker?
BEMaven> "a frog would gain the throne"?
THX-11381> We will test Hercules with...a game of Battleship!
Cthulhu> Give him a steroid test!
my-crow-soft> wouldn't it be a lot easier to check his id ?
THX-11381> It's a giant game of Mousetrap.
Balthayzr> So, they're testing Herc with one of Wile E. Coyote's cast-offs?
Rolaid> He lost me somewhere in explaining how it worked.
Balthayzr> Oh, please, more scenes of Herc squatting.
Cthulhu> It's a sudden death game of Don't Break the Ice.
Ironf> Sha---zam!
Balthayzr> Ya mean, all he had to do was ASK????
Rolaid> Um, okay, Zeus, Jove, whatever the hell he's called, wouldn't do a thing until Herc asked?
THX-11381> He just needed to click his butt checks together and say "I wish I was queer."
Ironf> abs of cinderblock.
Plumm> Neat papier mache Colosseum there.
Ironf> bang a gong, get it on, bang a gong.
Cthulhu> Hey Judea.. you want to keep it on the road here!
Rolaid> So, are they fulfilling his fantasy of screwing in the back of a Chariot?
Cthulhu> Not much room Rol.
BEMaven> are they riding a chariot or someone's bumper?
Ironf> Herc always was a chariot-head.
Rolaid> That's why they were standing, Cthulhu.
my-crow-soft> zeus's lighting is the only banging we see in this movie.
Plumm> so, the cave is talking to itself?
Rolaid> Thank goodness, Crow.
Cthulhu> The Lady of the Puddle.
Balthayzr> "Here, let me ask my Mystic Hair Clog what it thinks..."
Rolaid> It's the seven stooges again.
Rolaid> Didn't they learn anything the first time Herc kicked their asses?
THX-11381> Where did the Gold Dust army come from?
Ironf> Yul Brinner AS Dr. Goldfinger IN The Seven Chinese Brothers.
Cthulhu> They were rejects from Alan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold.
Balthayzr> It turns out the dagger simply summons 7 Birthday Party Clowns.
Cthulhu> Nice tempra painted set.
Rolaid> 'What's that Herc? Wait under these columns? Sure!'
Cthulhu> Set Design: Mrs. Warnke's 2nd Grade Art Class.
BEMaven> he died as he lived... with his legs splayed.
THX-11381> Not a good time for him to have been wearing slippers.
Balthayzr> OK, why is Isis running of with her, again?
Ironf> "ARTIE!"
THX-11381> Or is it Arnie?
Plumm> Outie, I am innie.
Ironf> plop
Cthulhu> Atie?
Balthayzr> OK so the villian's whole plot revolved around the hope that Herc wouldn't ask for his power back.
BEMaven> at death's door...and the evil queen is sunning herself?
THX-11381> Ending at a half hour mark? Will we get 30 minutes of Herc cartoons?
Rolaid> NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey, boys and girls! You have a date with... THE MIGHTY HERCULES Although the Sixties was a fairly warped decade for television animation, it's still remarkable that this campy series disappeared from the collective memory of viewers. In a time when 'Felix The Cat' and 'Casper The Friendly Ghost' toyed with ambiguous sexual metaphors, could we really have forgotten a heroic muscleman who dressed like a cocktail waitress from Caesar's Palace? The program's prospects were scarcely helped by the lackluster assortment of licensed Hercules products, which included the obligatory coloring book, comic book, and lunch box. Genuine opportunities for lucrative tie-ins were constantly overlooked, such as Mighty Hercules Chewable Vitamins ("Puts Iron In Your Thighs"). A less provincial marketing strategy might have assured 'The Mighty Hercules' of real immortality. According to one persistent rumor, the series was funded by a Danish entrepreneur who sought an American outlet for his specially-crafted leisure products. These imported items supposedly never made it to U.S. stores because of the negative reactions they received during the test marketing phase. The rejected merchandise was said to include... Mighty Hercules Super Action Pop-Up Book Upon opening it, outraged mothers reportedly grabbed hammers and beat down the figures inside. Helena Inflatable Playtime Doll This anatomicaly correct version of Hercules' occasional girlfriend stood five feet tall (five feet, nine inches with heels) and came with nector-flavored lotion. Newton The Centaur Rocker This item was quite similar to other hobby horses, except for the unfortunate placement of its saddle. However, none of these marketing schemes, salacious or otherwise, could truly express the underlining theme of 'The Mighty Hercules': the importance of keeping physically fit whenever you cross-dress. As Herc's star faded, only Frederick Flintstone... that bedraggled, glutinous ball of masculine lard... was left to serve as an icon for young men who earnestly sought a lifestyle without trousers.

The Chameleon Creature Gazing into his Olympic flat screen monitor, Didonus the Voyeur alerts Hercules the Fullback and Newton the End Receiver to some strange doings in the barracks of Sparta. Herc opts instead to chase down the Daedalus The Evil Wizard, who has stolen all the faucets in Calydon. To get them back, our hero must overcome the Chameleon Creature, a mythical beast with the power to change into giant doggie chew toys. Newton accidentally swallows one of the Creature's squeakers but no one notices the change.

Ironf> YES!
* Rolaid cries.
Balthayzr> Trans-Lux!!!
Balthayzr> He shot out the sun!
Cthulhu> Iron in his thighs?
Plumm> at least's it's more "American" than the movie.
THX-11381> Caladon, take me away!
Rolaid> Hey, it's Jove, "Ask Me First", Zeus.
Balthayzr> Looks like Herc won the WCW belt.
Plumm> wow, the centaur is ready to hump herc's leg.
THX-11381> "I'll be ready to give you what's in this egg!"
Ironf> a giant purple sperm.
THX-11381> A comedian creature?
BEMaven> what a landing. that explains Newt's high-pitched voice.
Cthulhu> Why does the centaur repeat himself.... repeat himself?
Rolaid> Cthulhu, he went to the Manos School of Acting.
THX-11381> It turned into Gamera!
Plumm> It's a teletubbisaur!
Balthayzr> Stop that thrusting!
Ironf> plop.
Ironf> Foghorn Leghorn!
Rolaid> He changed into a chicken?
Cthulhu> Yes... he's really the last of the Do Dos.
Plumm> is there another one now?
Balthayzr> Uh, a wizard that commands Hell's creatures resorts to petty theft. Okay......

Search Of The Golden Apples Young King Dornan is near death after eating non-union grapes and only some sap from the Republican Tree of Generalities can save him. Since he's heading in that general direction, Hercules volunteers to fetch it... with help from his barn buddy Newton and Little Tewt, the living lawn ornament. Daedulus tries to interdict them and gets clocked with a glass onion for his troubles.

Plumm> "iron in his thighs . . .fire in every part"? Herc really was the customer base for the entire ancient dildo industry.
THX-11381> Young Bob Dorian.
BEMaven> never mind that stuff...is this cartoon Herc pensive?
THX-11381> Only the nectar of a young boy can save him?
BEMaven> where's the Third Wise Man?
THX-11381> "Can he come... can he come?"
THX-11381> Gay beastiality!
Cthulhu> ROFLMA!!!
Plumm> Wow, a fairy butt-buddy for Newt.
Rolaid> Does this villain remind everyone else of that villain from the Smurfs?
Cthulhu> It's Gargamell and Azeral, the early years.
Plumm> Herc is swathed in a gay smurf-blue frock.
Balthayzr> Suddenly, we get the Theme song from Clutch Cargo.
Plumm> Daedulus is the villain?
Cthulhu> Where's Icarus... Icarus...
Plumm> SHAZAMACOUS!
Balthayzr> Herc uses the power of RADAR!!!
Cthulhu> Olympia... Grapes!
Ironf> why is the cat looking at his batch?
Plumm> 'I'm, not leaving, Jim!'
THX-11381> "Toot"
Ironf> Wow, his little buddy sure can blow.
Cthulhu> Who's that sitting up in the tree.... it's two saytrs...
Balthayzr> Always good for mutes to be Comedy relief.
THX-11381> "Looking for some fruit?"
Plumm> I'm ALL fruit, Daedulus!
Ironf> Fruit Newtons.
Plumm> Enjoy my bowel-brewed fig newton cookies, fair prince!
Cthulhu> Let's go pick some REAL fruit, Newton!
Ironf> "Big" Sid Ginsburg.

The Thunderbolt Disc Under the cover of a Titan's air biscuit, Daedalus slips into Olympus and makes off with Zeus' prime source of hemorrhoid relief: the Thunderbolt Disc. He returns to Earth and uses the Disc to extort fudge candy from the Mennonites. Disguised as a discarded piece of Shaker furniture, Newton the Centaur summons Hercules to whup the wizard's boney ass.

BEMaven> well, the deadly Astro-Turf trap failed...what willDaedulus try next?
Ironf> even the pling on that bow is gay sounding.
BEMaven> a Trans-Butts Production.
Plumm> Sieg Herc!
Balthayzr> Fire in every part? You night wanna try Tucks.
THX-11381> "Fire in every part of the mighty Hercules!" Isn't that an STD?
BEMaven> why is Herc doing the Black Power salute?
Plumm> A David O Selznick production.
Cthulhu> It's Winnie the Pooh.
Rolaid> No one suspects a black cloud on an oddly clear day.
Balthayzr> They've invented the Stealth wizard!
Rolaid> Did he just steal a CD?
Ironf> ahhh "Thunderbolt Disc".
Rolaid> Wow, all that for Herc's "Brittney Spears" CD
Balthayzr> Amish folks?
Cthulhu> They had Fedoras in ancient Greece?
Ironf> It's really a penis weight for stretching.
Balthayzr> "I'll get the cyst back"?
Rolaid> Yanno, "The New Adventures of Batman and Superman" are looking really good right now.
Cthulhu> We know... We know...
Balthayzr> Well, so glad the centaur was there. Herc would never have found the villian.
Rolaid> 'Come here, Newton, and let me jam this giant log up your ass.'
Ironf> And he nearly did!
THX-11381> Dianetics!
THX-11381> L. Ron set off all his H-bombs!
Balthayzr> Uh, why does Herc have ballet shoes on?
Cthulhu> Taste the fury of my Cracker Jack ring!
Balthayzr> And it ends as it started.....with a Herc Panty shot.
BEMaven> so, is Daedulus half racoon or what?
THX-11381> He's related to Invisigoth.

The Sun Diamond Of Helios Wilamene, a scheming witch with the same dress size as Daedalus, sends her parrot to filch a crystal trophy from one of those t.v. award shows. The crystal endows her with the power to destroy historic landmarks by staring them to pieces. She reigns supreme throughout the realm until Hercules drops a bucket over her head.

THX-11381> Final one kids.
Ironf> Herc likes to fist.
Cthulhu> The Sorceress is STACKED!
Plumm> Elvira! Herc's thighs are on fire! For Elvira!
Rolaid> That wizard got a sex-change operation.
Balthayzr> Uh, is this what the Wizard does on his day off?
Cthulhu> Now she becomes MEGA STREISAND!
Plumm> Wow, she has the Metroid-sound crystal.
THX-11381> Picture-picture tells this guy everything.
Plumm> Good thing Herc has an old guy around the house to watch Headline News for him.
Rolaid> Transsexuals, Drug-induced hallucinations, homosexuality, hidden phallic symbols, it's an animated version of "Rocky Horror Picture Show"!
Plumm> You know, Herc only has that belt cause the idiot woman judge threw his last fight to Holyfield.
Cthulhu> Why the hell does he need the Centaur?
THX-11381> Cheap sex.
BEMaven> why doesn't he keep the ring on all the fricking time?
BEMaven> is Herc afraid it'll spoil his tan line?
Ironf> "Here she comes, here she comes."
Plumm> 'This tree isn't on the background cel! it will make a useful weapon!'
THX-11381> The enviromentalists are going to be pissed.
BEMaven> and the Smart Trees hone in on their target.
Balthayzr> What, is the villian in the next county?
Balthayzr> Herc runs.... very oddly.
Cthulhu> There's a hole in the bucket... dear Herc... dear Herc...
Ironf> he has to put a bag over her head so he can pretend it's a man.
Balthayzr> So, Herc Just keeps throwing things at people till they go away.
Plumm> what was he screaming there?
Ironf> He's like a chimp.
Ironf> OLYMPUS!!! plumm.
Rolaid> So, herc's got one girl and two centaurs for his Beastiality Orgy now.
Balthayzr> And her Parrot, Rol.
Ironf> and that cat.
Cthulhu> And the trees.
BEMaven> pst, IronF, it's.....OLLLLYMPPPIA!
Ironf> well that's the gay way.
Rolaid> Pray for my soul, that those Herc shorts didn't steal it.

FRESH DIGS