LOVE YA LIKE A ROCK
Directed by Roger Duchowny (who once helmed "The Love Boat")
Written by Jim and Ken Wheat (who saddled us with "The Stepford Husbands")
Produced by Roger Duchowny (who also gave us "Robo Vampire") and Tony Dow (whose performance as Beaver's big brother helped to keep down the birth rate)
I'd like to personally thank everyone who could make it tonight for the general meeting of our Community Theater Group. Those who didn't make it... well, you know who you are. Production of our sequel to that Fifties SF classic "It Came From Outer Space" is back on schedule, thanks to some careful trimming in the stage budget. The alien's spaceship... an enormous yet intricate object which seared through the night sky and smashed into the desert floor without so much as a dent... will now be portrayed as a big, lumpy rock. The aliens... whose amorphous bodies and monocular vision gave children nightmares in the early 1950s... will now be portrayed by little, lumpy rocks. In keeping with this concept, we'll being using lumpy Jello for the special effects. Our prop guys did manage to create the incredible alien machine... which wielded enough power to pilot a ship to the stars or split the Earth right to its very core. Unfortunately, they broke the thing while loading it in the pick-up... so we wrote it out of the play. On the plus side, we have a large supply of fake sweat and blood for our actors, thanks to a donation from Joe Bob's Mink Farm. Rehearsals have been humming along nicely, by the way. Brian Kerwin is deep into his role as the heroic photographer who chauffeurs everyone to the plot points. There were, however, some last minute changes in the rest of our star cast. Stevie Fields, the precocious little Irish lad who gets into all sorts of predicaments, will now be played by Jonathan Carrasco. His spunky Irish immigrant mother will be played by Elizabeth Peña. And now, the technical director will explain once again the need to issue 3D glasses to give our stage production the illusion of depth.
NOT YOUR STEPPIN' STONE
BEMaven> ok, who threw that?
Cthulhu> Look out, the EPCOT center!
my-crow-soft> live from new york city ... it's coming from outer space.
Ironf> Casting: Kayro syrup.
Cthulhu> This had better not be the begining of Iron Eagle.
BEMaven> hot gas pumping action.
Ironf> Whores, the sign of true quality.
Cthulhu> Jessie Ventura!
Ironf> "They got RUUULES!"
BEMaven> nuts, i have to drive 20 miles to a stop with a diesel pump to find a trollop. progress stinks.
Cthulhu> Don't worry, the Clinton administration is working on that.
THX-1138> "Lori-Etta". How hick.
Cthulhu> Tony Dow! NO!!!!
Cthulhu> Jee Wally... why do you have to make such cruddy movies?
Djenk> Based on a story by Rad Bradbury......distorted and twisted by all these other folks.
Balthayzr> Geez, this is the most boring Road Runner cartoon ever.
Djenk> Guitar riffs ripped off from: Ry Cooder
Cthulhu> Unabomber Honey, I'm home....
my-crow-soft> and the whole town shoots itself over.
THX-1138> Isn't this The Great West Bikini Race I always see on Skinemax?
my-crow-soft> if you lived here you'd be in hell now.
my-crow-soft> he has a special porn room behind.
Ironf> everyone has a special porn room.
my-crow-soft> and little johnny causes mischief once again.
my-crow-soft> "can I look ?"
BEMaven> washing your windows means the kid's imprinted on you, fella. you're daddy now.
Cthulhu> You find mold interesting.
Djenk> Maybe you should go play in traffic.... whoops, there ain't none of that either.
Balthayzr> 'The mountains with the biggest tits in the world.'
Cthulhu> Damn El Nino.
Ironf> you have offended the Tiki gods!
Djenk> Looks Like the Highlander killed someone.
my-crow-soft> the aliens are dropping squishy balls.
Cthulhu> My ameboa crashed!
THX-1138> I think my water broke.
Balthayzr> Sorry, my brain fell out. it's OK though, I found it.
Balthayzr> OK, so basically an alien cruiser went by and tossed their garbage at us. And we care, why?
BEMaven> actually, i think the Weather Channel is attacking the Sci-Fi Channel.
Balthayzr> 'Tonight: Some showers, with a 60% chance of us showing a movie with a tenuous connection to Sci-Fi'
Cthulhu> Errrrr... OK, what are we looking at?
BEMaven> that's what i'm wondering.
Balthayzr> Ewwww. Oedipus Rex From Space.
Ironf> In Technicolor.
BEMaven> i think the kid's reading all the hero's pick-up lines by mistake.
my-crow-soft> yes, waitering in a town with the population of 20 is BIG money.
BEMaven> assuming there's a hero in this thing.
Ironf> Ahh, covert NAM mention.
my-crow-soft> cool, ties!
my-crow-soft> now they can choke the producer with it.
Ironf> back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left.
Cthulhu> Poor Coyote... didn't ask to be in this movie.
Ironf> a Coyote on Peyote.
my-crow-soft> the coyote actually sued the movie after this... he was put into it without his discretion.
BEMaven> should we be seeing a coyote hump?
my-crow-soft> aparantly the producer thinks so.
* Djenk flips over to ESPN....
Djenk> Oh joy! The Big West championship.
BEMaven> Djenk, stop that! ESPN might decide to dogpile on Sci Fi Channel.
Balthayzr> And that would be bad, why?
Djenk> BEMaven: Relax....I don't think New Mexico State's point guard will be much of a challange for these aliens ;)
Cthulhu> ESPN might decide to run a live Magic the Gathering tourn.. oh wait... they've done that.
BEMaven> if i want to see a dogpile, i'll watch Animal Planet.
Cthulhu> The coyote is layering his whines.
Balthayzr> Pure Moods III Presents: The Coyote's Whine by John Tesh!
THX-1138> A dingo took your alien!
Balthayzr> And the coyote lures him under a safe, and drops it on him.
Cthulhu> Oh great! That's all I need is an artisticlly enclined son.
my-crow-soft> stevie took these? i had no idea he was in the bathroom when I was taking a shower!
Ironf> The government uses contrails to spray us with chemicals.
Cthulhu> I don't want you encouraging my son to do something with his life.
* Balthayzr taps TV screen. Hello, movie? Aliens? Hello?
BEMaven> "i don't care what you think about me." is the romantic lead talking to us?
* Balthayzr wonders why their playing Southern Swamp music in the SouthWest Desert.
* Djenk did not like the way that old man handled that rock hammer...no sireee.
my-crow-soft> why not Djenk ?
Cthulhu> Just ask Leon Trotsky, Crow.
Djenk> crow: Looked like he wanted to bury it in the kids skull... hmmmm... on second thought, go for it old man! >;)
BEMaven> Trotsky got in the den with a hatchet.
Balthayzr> I thought Marx did it in the Kitchen with a Candlestick.
Cthulhu> Don't you just love it when totalitarian ideologues argue?
BEMaven> no, Stalin did it in the guest bathroom with a young Mao.
THX-1138> It's a deoderant crystal!
Ironf> Ohhh, a whole dollar! WOW!
BEMaven> 'let's see that rock. aww, it's a boy rock.'
Balthayzr> Heh, he got the kid to scoop up his poop.
my-crow-soft> this is your car with some other engine oil... should have used valvoline.
Ironf> boob baby! BOOM!
Djenk> Damn those Pintos...
Balthayzr> That'll happen when you put Sparkling water in the radiator.
Cthulhu> Mind if I undress you while I save your life?
my-crow-soft> he just has the natural instinct to jump on people.
Balthayzr> Hot enough to explode a car. However, flesh and asphault are just fine.
Cthulhu> Four wheel drive vintage Cadillac?
Ironf> Spooge of the gods.
Cthulhu> When Blue Rasberry Jello Attacks!
Balthayzr> It turns out it's just a Giant Space Shriner tossing out candy.
my-crow-soft> water out of milk containers... yep this is south.
THX-1138> Here, have a sip of isopropanol.
Ironf> now put you head in my lap.
BEMaven> seeing as it's so hot, should their windows be rolled up?
Balthayzr> Meanwhile, in the part of the plot Ken Wrote....
BEMaven> commercial sign.
BEMaven> Tums, Mylanta, Valtrex. they must think SFC viewers are physical wrecks.
THX-1138> Oooo, I don't want to see what the Highlander does with his sword.
BEMaven> the SFC sells swords and daggers? whatever happened to the Prime Directive?
my-crow-soft> movie sign.
Cthulhu> It was halfway to Las Vegas when the drugs started to kick in.
Cthulhu> Poorly quoted H. S. Thompson.
BEMaven> H S Thompsom might have passed those blue rocks.
Ironf> H.S.T. IS one of those blue rocks.
Ironf> He left a skid mark in more than one place.
Ironf> If it bleeds, we can kill it. A wise man once said that.
Balthayzr> G.Gordon Liddy speaks for the town.
BEMaven> "this isn't normal!" we all get tatoos. that's normal.
Ironf> "Ahh slow down Chester..."
BEMaven> c'mon, slap the hero.
BEMaven> slap him. you owe it to the cliche premise.
Balthayzr> Boy, every scene just introduces more and more lovable characters, doesn't it?
Cthulhu> There go two sweaty, sweaty guys.
Ironf> I'll peck your eyes out with this huge beak if you don't tell me.
Cthulhu> He's got heiroglyphics on his pillow.
my-crow-soft> somehow it's all connected to aol and the secret spam list.
Ironf> This is like a half dozen TZ tossed in a blender with a hint of Psi-factor.
my-crow-soft> "what are you ?"
Cthulhu> I'm Edward James Olmos.
BEMaven> ahhh, Stevie is turning into the old Michael Jackson.
my-crow-soft> it turns out a ninja tutle.
my-crow-soft> commercial sign.
Balthayzr> Valtrex? wasn't that an old video game system?
BEMaven> common side effects including nausea and headaches. makes it hard for me to tell which girlfriend takes valtrex.
my-crow-soft> movie sign.
Ironf> now go touch it.
Cthulhu> When Magic Sand attacks!
BEMaven> so far, the film makers only contribution to an old classic is to make the characters all sweaty.
Ironf> He keeps buckets of sweat for just such an occasion.
Balthayzr> 'Ah, my Celebrity Puke collection is still safe.'
Cthulhu> Come on... the average Coyote is about 40-50 pounds!
Balthayzr> Wonder Twin Powers, De-Activate!!
THX-1138> Ewww, the dog is filled with glow stick.
Ironf> Shot through the heart, and you're to blame! you give blue juice a bad name.
Balthayzr> The Alpha trollop exerts her authority.
Cthulhu> A riot is a ugly thing!
my-crow-soft> don't panic... one two three... panic!
Ironf> Where are Daryl and Daryl?
THX-1138> 140 degrees! The new boy band?
Ironf> Poor Mr. Gimpy, can't hold his own with regular folk.
my-crow-soft> this whole movie's slogan was "why the hell not ?" if there is something else we can plagarize from a classic... why the hell not ?
BEMaven> "that's why the mountain swelled up."
THX-1138> If you rub it on your feet, they stop smelling.
BEMaven> so it dumped a lot of water, then wants it back?
Cthulhu> And now ve join ze under vater adventures of Jacque Cousteau.
* Plumm has joined.
Balthayzr> And now, Godzilla's colon.
THX-1138> Hi, you've stepped into the Abyss ride.
Ironf> Jim Henson's Magical Alien Fetus Babies.
* Plumm was doing the manhattan bar thang with uva people.
Plumm> is there any HG left?
Ironf> Short answer, no.
BEMaven> apparently, the alien's star drive is composed of Silly String.
Balthayzr> They're stealing our supply of Umbilical Cords!
Ironf> Long answer, about 3 or so mins.
Ironf> Cue star trek muzac.
Plumm> Wow, that actually wasn't too bad. Went by real fast.
BEMaven> you missed all the sweat, Plumm.
Ironf> Rocks aren't to be toyed with.
Balthayzr> And from the end credit music, neither are Casio keyboards.
|THE S.S. BLUEBERRY ASPIC
(AKA "Mound or Something")
|Last seen in "It Came From Outer Space II"|
|CLASS: First Course|
|DIMENSIONS: 1,042 Tablespoons|
|MOTIVE POWER: Water and baking soda|
|RANGE: Not needed. Mix ingredients for ship at room temperature.|
|CREW CAPACITY: Serves 12|
GET OFFA MY CLOUD
"Not bad's good enough."
"Broken windows are easy."
"It's motor driven!"... "You mean it's got a motor?"
"Jerry Garcia Designer Neckties!"
"I'll just mess around out here."
"Nothing. Just stuff."
"Oh, why can't you ever get a nice movie?"
"This sure is something, all right."
"There's this mound or something."
"Something's going on around here."
"I saw something...something I couldn't identify."
"It's this thing...and it's big."