x86 IMMORTAL COMBAT (2/28/98)

MOVIE
Piper. What can be said that all the scholars haven't already. Piper seems to be the Homegame's favorite wrestler/movie star since we have done a few of his movies. Either that or his movies are run more often. Anyway, this vehicle stars Hot Rod and Sonny Chiba as a pair of cops. Piper takes a trip somewhere for a reason that slips my mind and discovers a fight in the woods. Ends up that this group is taking maniacs and over all good fighters and giving them some sort of drug to make them semi-immortal, meaning the only way to kill them is a beheading or by fire. Our good friend Tiny "Zeus" Lister is in this first as Hot Rod's friend, then he is given the drugs, but he won't kill, so he scans himself and his head blows up. In the end, Chiba shows up and ninjafies a few people while Piper takes care of some more old school style. Does the fun ever stop?

OH MY GOD!!!
mg> so the moral is sleep with faye dunaway and ninjas slay you in your sleep?
andre> Dingos stole my Chiba!
BryanL> There are many loads in the world, Crowbie. Sonny Chiba running like that is one of them.
mg> "...kumite... kumite... kumite...."
BryanL> It looks like it's going to be pointless as hell to be calling Gay Porn Subtext in this movie, isn't it.
andre> Tiny Lister. What a MAN!
andre> I distinctly heard him say "King Biscuit"
Ironf> Stevie Richards has got pumped.
BryanL> Actually, yes, nick. The monkey on speed had his name taken off the flick so as not to hurt his career.
Ironf> Stop or my Asian partner will shoot!
BryanL> You know, sometimes censorship is a good thing.
nicklby> on the other side of the ship, Boy Geoge is singing Karma Chameleon
mg> uh oh. how much you want to bet the effeminate black guy in the gay hat is named "tiny"?
KevinL> Piper steps in on behalf of a stranger, thus cementing him in our minds as the "hero".
BryanL> Because, if we're playing steel drum music, it must not have been filmed in Georgia. Really.
ProfRev> I'm a wrestler, travelling town to town, a drifter you might say
BryanL> So, if Sonny Chiba had five lit candles, and he slashed three of them in a hallucinogenic rage, how many lit candles would he have left?
mg> they live II: weekend at bernie's
andre> Hi. I'm Max Keller.
mg> watch the almighty batch, there, "roddy"
BillBear> Here at Ice Bitch Zero martial arts, we do our fightting one slow punch after another.
mg> tiny's wearing the finest in late 80s gaywear
ProfRev> Roddy has been demoted to wacky manager, how sad
Ironf> And from the woods emerges a ticked off Hacksaw Jim Duggan. HOOOOO!
ProfRev> "i'm sorry, you're shirt is giving me dizzy spells"
BryanL> The guards are surprisingly unsuspicious of the instant Southern accent.

AND NOW A MUSICAL INTERLUDE

andre> Kristina> hey wanna get a little somthin somethin on
THX-1138> Andre is gonna get some!
Ironf> well, do you Andre?
KevinL> Hey, kristina's two-timing me already with andre!
BryanL> Kristina! How could you! You know my brother's on the rebound!
Kristina> no I'm a slut
andre> kristina, I'm afraid I can't have anything to do with you until I nail old glory to the north pole.
Kristina> I'm like the village bicycle
BryanL> No, you're a 14 year old boy with "issues", kris.
THX-1138> You mean we have a home game slut?
mg> alucard *is* kristina *in* "i am sad (in more ways than one)."
BillBear> You're green and chained to a lamppost at 4th and main?
dungarees> Kristina has identity crises
BryanL> Howcome I never get come on to in private chat, anyway?
Kristina> hey I'm not a man and Bryan needs to get laid cause he's to tight, uptight
BillBear> Kristina, have you ever considered clitorectomy?
andre> clitorectomy would solve a lot of your problems.
BillBear> How do you feel about John Shaft, Kristina?
BryanL> And "tight" and "uptight" is redundant.
mg> is this the first time the HG has been invaded by a... ahem... "slut"?
BryanL> A self-proclaimed slut, yes, mg.
BryanL> So, Kristine, have you "done" Sonny Chiba?
Kristina> listen you two it's not my fault you suck cock and feel ashamed cause you have a small one and are jealous of me cause I'm a woman and I can suck any time I want without feer of prosecution, or jurous prudence from peers or persons trying to enter the human race like you too
nicklby> Dear Penthouse.com ... I never thought I'd be writing a email like this ...
BryanL> Kristine, dear, you're the first transsexually-chatting 14 year old boy ever to make the Homegame archives. Congratulations.
BryanL> What I love best is that it took poor Kris like, five minutes to type that rant.
Kristina> why the hell do you think I'm a boy and what makes U think I'm 14 you dirty cocksucker I'm 23
andre> BryanL = dirty cocksucker
Ironf> Because mostly only 14 year old boys say dirty cocksucker
BryanL> I know you're a boy, "Kristina", because I sit next to you in homeroom. Which is how I know you're 14.
Kristina> um I don't go to your school I'm not even in school I don't even live in the same state as u
andre> Yes, kristina would like to get something going on with you.
KevinL> What school do you (obviously) not go to?
Kristina> the Johnsons Institute Chef School, NY,NY
KevinL> So that's where you learned to make Love Gravy? You're GPA musta been about a 1.3
BryanL> Admit it, Kristina. You wrote "Artemis' Lover", didn't you.
Kristina> wrote what
KevinL> By the way, where's my steamy cyber sex? I'm still waiting, dammit.
Kristina> it's obvious to me that you are an insecure little man with a small dick and some repressed sexual issues involving your father and a used condom
Ironf> she must be doing 'something' with her hands to take so long to type a reply to us.
BryanL> Kristina quotes from the Truly Tastless Comebacks paperback. Good book.
Ironf> Make Kristina get under the desk before the cops see her.
BryanL> Meanwhile, Kristina has to read all of these big words, then think, then slowly hunt and peck out a response involving a small penis.
*** Kristina (wouldn'tyouliketoknow@208.233.199.147) has left #MST-HomeGame
KevinL> Darn, I didn't get any steamy cyber sex. What a gyp.
THX-1138> No, she just left to be with the rest of the world. She's the world's whore now.
andre> moral of the story: don't /msg me and try to get somethin something goin' on
* BillBear abandons andre plans
KevinL> You know, I've heard about people actually having steamy cyber sex, but I never thought I would actually witness somebody use those words for real.
mg> she's from the steamy cybersex council (tm)
dungarees> Steamy Cybersex: It's what's for dinner
BryanL> Yeah. What I can't figure out is whether that means I suck dirty cocks, or if I just don't bathe. Kristina really needs more precision in "her" speech.

WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR RIFFING

andre> meanwhile, in hour 10 of Sonny's LSD experience
mg> you know the commercials are over when sonny appears in his unfurnished apartment
BryanL> Wubba Chub Nipple Twist? What is he saying?
KevinL> Oh, please. Nobody on this planet ever remembers the name of anybody who writes magazine articles.
dungarees> Puddle dancing really turns a gal on. Take notes, boyz
mg> be sure to use plenty of lip and tongue action on your envelopes
Ironf> Piper always, always scores rather quickly in his movies
BryanL> So I kickbox you to sleeper hold, after the lovin'....
BillBear> My sobakawa pillow!
nicklby> I hate movies where the hero's breasts are bigger than the girls
THX-1138> I magically took the film out and put a new roll in without exposing the film in a matter of 2 seconds, all behind my back
BillBear> And it was a manual camera, too. Am I supposed to believe Roddy secretly rotated the little wheel a hundred times while pretending to be southern?
BryanL> Come on, Keller! Kick! Punch! It's all in the mind!
Ironf> This is all crap medical terms aren't they.
Ironf> bring her a mouse, she's hungry.
BryanL> They're pictures of the Cinefantastique spread on "Superbeast".
Ironf> Mom, Tiny's scanning me again.
BryanL> Tiny does have a big "Buzz From Pit Fighter" mojo going on, doesn't he.
* BillBear wants to see an animated gif of Tiny's head exploding on the web page.
dungarees> I like the fabricated, patented evil guy widow's peak.
mg> "don't... want.... to.... be.... a.... gay.... aerobics.... instructor....."
BillBear> He's putting on his spiked shoes so he can aerate the lawn.
Ironf> Sonny Chiba is Lord of the Dance
cthulhu> He wearing more chainmail than the average GenCon attendee.
dungarees> Nice paint ball gun. Are you finished?
BillBear> You know, I refuse to believe that Sonny Chiba is wearing that outfit. It's simply not happening.
dungarees> Is it really necessary to try to get us to hate ponyman any more at this point?
BillBear> Could someone ask Motely Crue to pipe down?
dungarees> As I stepped out of the darkness of the Mayan zombie compound, I had only two things on my mind: Roddy Piper and a ride home.
BryanL> Fight choreography by Kristina.
BryanL> I think they were reffing back to something they forgot to put in the movie.
BryanL> I learned that I'm a dirty cocksucker.
andre> I learned that Bryan will always be a dirty cocksucker, no matter how hard he tries not to be
nicklby> I learned never to give Sonny Chiba too much dialogue
Jawz> I learned that even when you come in late, you still miss nothing of value!
dungarees> I learned that screaming at the Domino's man is unsatisfying if it doesn't result in twisty bred sticks
andre> I learned that I'm irresistable attractive to 14 year old boys pretending to be 23 year old chefs or something.
BillBear> I learned that even if you kill a man and bring him back from the dead, you can't make him kill if he's got a heart as big as Tiny's.
Ironf> I learned that Roddy Piper's best movie is "They Live". And that was only marginally good.
KevinL> I learned that steamy cyber sex with a casual and moronic stranger is infinitely less satisfying than steamy cybersex within the context of a loving, committed relationship.
THX-1138> I learned that I need to learn less from these movies
cthulhu> I learned that chainmail is not a great fashion acessory.

I'M SORRY WE'RE OUTTA TIME! WE GOTTA GO!

"When I close my eyes... all men are the same."
"He likes to carve up his victims with a knife..."
"cooooome wit' it!"
"It has always been my ass."
"Hello, beautiful. Want a chocolate bar?"
"oh my nose!"
"buy cheap domestic beer. wear bolo ties."
"i've been in the L.A. riots, man"
"coffee? isn't that fattening?"
"you'll have to excuse my wife... she's having a small case of the trots
"rmemebr that night at the base? when that black man fought the asian?"
"Talk or I'm going to bust your ass right here!"
"You're in terrible danger."
"stay back or i'll hurt her"
"I like it when I hear women scream..."
"Oh, you want to taste blood, huh?"