x280 THE HAUNTING (7/13/99)

MOVIE
The Hauting. Recently remade by Hollywood standards into a glitzy, special effects romp with big time stars. That's good in this case because at least you may end up with some good eyecandy to watch instead of the story, which was awful. I mean it was bad, even by old day standards. I really don't see how it got such a reputation as being good. I wonder how it was chosen to get remade. More drunk monkeys throwing darts I'll wager. It's a shame they didn't hit something better, or maybe the guy that was handing out the darts. It honestly wouldn't bother me if he had his eye put out. Is that so wrong? To want physical pain to be endured upon someone that choose a poor movie to remake in today's standards?

I MEAN BAD

thayer> title in scooby doo font
Ironf> Fay compton.
Ironf> "fay"
thayer> 'scandal, murder, insanity'...just another day in american politics...
Ironf> NOT Sean Connery
thayer> he's looking to beat henry the eigth's record for number of dead wives.
ReaperG> She was with the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling?
Ironf> Nice scepter.
Ironf> Piece of rope for supper, gov'ner
thayer> corpse-cam
my-crow-soft> don't we all look for a haunted house to restore, you know paint it, put in new carpet.
thayer> 'assistants?' you know..."personal" assistants
thayer> yes, you shouldn't have any confidence in people from the midwest.
Rolaid> He's gonna start pimping succubi
Ironf> The Patty Duke Show: After Hours.
Ironf> Ahh Boston. You can't trust a soul that's from that hellhole.
Ironf> Does a box exactly count for the carpool lane?
ReaperG> Sunday! Sunday! SUNDAY! Monster truck racing this SUNDAY!
thayer> or i might just keep talking to myself on and on and on....
Ironf> All this and more can be yours IF....the psychic is right!!
Ironf> I'm betting her part is the part played by what'sher name
thayer> oh yeah, that chick. the one who was in that one movie...
Ironf> Yeah her with the things and the stuff.
thayer> run away! run away! /holy grail>
thayer> 'it's waiting for me...evil....so of course i'll go in and make myself comfy!'
Ironf> It's coming to get you barbara......
Ironf> Wow, the DoRight mansion is swanky.
thayer> some people put mirrors on the ceiling, but in this house, they're on the floor.
Ironf> Nothing wrong with that Thayer, depending on who's coming over.
thayer> no one to hear you scream
Ironf> Women in the 50's usually were. You've come a long way baybee
ReaperG> She hasn't been there three minutes and she hated being alone?
Ironf> Remember, all black = lots of psychic ability
Rolaid> When do we get to the hot lesbian action?
Ironf> So it's kinda like the Rememington mansion, only different
Rolaid> A young William Shatner before "Incubus: The Movie"
Rolaid> Ten bucks says Dr. Lombardi gets slapped with a sexual harrassment suit
thayer> yes, sunspots are responsible for all paranormal occurences.
Ironf> Art Bell told me so
Ironf> Man that jacket is giving me vibes.
thayer> 'now look doc, we're buddies, but don't try to convert me....i like girls...'
thayer> doctor: the ghost will look surprisingly like me...don't be afraid when it comes into your bed...
Ironf> I hope the new version moves a bit faster than this one.
Ironf> Is that the pitter patter of little Zuni feet?
Ironf> She's never screamed before? I guess she's never met the right man.
Rolaid> hmm, the fear of getting caught by the demons must be a kink for them . . .
Rolaid> NO! They won't keep me and Eleanor apart! Just because of our love for each other!
thayer> notice the only comment he asks about was about how she acts in bed
Rolaid> More exposition during breakfast . . .
thayer> did she just call her baby?
thayer> maybe our hope for some hot girl on girl action isn't so far off.
Ironf> Theo is trying to get a rise outta Elanor. That's just sopping wet with LPS.
thayer> 'when are you gonna show me your esp?'
thayer> remember that pick up line
Ironf> My ladies usually respond to "I bet you have great bandwidth."
Ironf> Why is that one statue gropping the breast of the other?
Ironf> When did Magnum PI take over the doc's role?
Rolaid> Catfight! Catfight!
Ironf> They'll have to snuggle to warm back up, like us Luke.
Ironf> Well I have to say that if the new one is anything like this, it's gonna suck.
thayer> no, i think the new one will suck in entirely different ways.
Ironf> well unless they us the lesbian action with what'sher name
Rolaid> Catherine Zeta Jones?
Ironf> that's her
Rolaid> Is there something illigal going on in the other room?
Ironf> you can't hear it very clearly because Luke likes to bite into the pillow.
thayer> this movie takes randomness to a new level.
Cthulhu> A murderess, but your esstentially good.
Ironf> Goosebumps mean you want to do me Elanore.
thayer> he wrote a book for his daughter about lust? even the dead people in this movie are all horny!
Ironf> When do we get to see the bitchslap
thayer> lots of exciting hallway action
Ironf> Inner monologue is what really makes this movie click.
thayer> that and random shots of various architectural features.
Ironf> and the LPS. Lots of sweet, sweet LPS
Ironf> See it's started. They're all locked in a room together in thier jammies.
Cthulhu> First Tubas, then bass drums... what is this? A conservatory?
Ironf> Fisheye lense AWAY!
thayer> i think they've been putting the wrong kind of mushrooms in her dinners.
Ironf> So, it's part Carrie/Usher/House all in one.
Ironf> Just get up the stairs and take your swan dive and let's get this over with.
Cthulhu> Staircase courtsey of Watson and Crick.
thayer> if nobody dies i'm gonna be very disapointed in this movie.
Ironf> This just in "The Haunting" = big steamy pile of crap.
Cthulhu> So this movie was supposed to be scary... how?
Ironf> I mean, wow, what a crap movie.
Ironf> Anyone disagree?
mgrasso> i agree, i didn't even see it.
Rolaid> Lily Taylor is Eleanor in the new movie
Rolaid> Lisa Loeb is in it too!!
mgrasso> lisa loeb plays EMERGO
Ironf> EMERGO!
Rolaid> Thus ends another tale from the vaults of Dr. Carlo Lombardi!

REALLY BAD

"Are you Dudly the caretaker."
"I'm Theadora, just Theadora."
"...hoping to find someone that was touched in some way..."
"What would you call this place, fun-a-rama?"
"Don't be so cocksure about everything Luke."
"...trying to get a rise out of you"
"That's where she did it."
"We'll have fun, like sisters!"
"It tickles."
"I had to come, I had to."
"I'll come, I'll come. Whatever it wants of me, it can have."

NEXT

We would now like to show some of the results of showing this film to someone that is unprepared for it's total and udder crappiness.

Little Sally Wentworth before she saw the film. She was the nicest little girl that lived on the block. She often helped her neighbors with anything and everything that she could.

Now look at her. She is mearly a husk of what she formally was. Aged and feeble, she will never know what it was like to run around like she used too. Please feel pity for her.

Ed Koch was once a robust man, full of life. He was a mayor, then a television star on the New People's Court. After viewing the film, he now mumbles to himself and sits around in Greyhound stations.

Kevin Spacey saw this and was sent back in time. He's now a popular kiddie show host, so it's not all bad, I guess.