x182 HUDSON HAWK (11/14/98)

MOVIE
Hudson Hawk. A movie spoken of in shadows, in the same vomit-creeping-up-the-throat whisper reserved for such Classics as Heaven's Gate, Ishtar, and Dune. This "movie" was so wretchedly bad that both reviewers and normal people alike predicted not only the end of star Bruce "Demi's Husband" Willis' career, but the end of the Action Movie Genre itself. Fortunately, Action Movies survived. Unfortunately, Willis survived along with them, going on to punish the human race for it's sins with more cookie-cutter action/comedy films, "Bruno" music fests, a "Bruno The Kid" cartoon show, and even an Action/Comedy Video Game called "Apocalypse" (One can only imagine why we were spared the promised "Hudson Hawk" video game).
So, let's take a closer look at this fine piece of Americana. First off, the studio supposedly had no idea of the crapola Willis was shoveling into innocent cameras with both hands( A common complaint that effects "Vanity" projects such as this, where the Star is also the Writer and/or Producer.) While Willis was stopped from having a simian co-star (who would've been named Little Hudson), the studio let Willis have his way with just about everything else. He sings. He dances. He falls from incredible heights with no damage. He drags Danny Aiello and James Coburn into this mess. And he tries to make Sandra Bernhard into a sex symbol. The plot, in case your gag reflex hasn't been tickled enough yet, involves finding the 3 pieces of an Alchemy/Cappuccino Machine DaVinci supposedly invented, and the Named-For-Candy-Bars baddies that make reformed cat burglar Willis go after them. And, yes, this is the film in which Willis sings "Would You Like To Swing On A Star?" in order to time his movements during robberies. This, of course, all capped off with commentary by Jeffy, The World's Formost Expert On Hudson Hawk, every 5 minutes. Truly, this was the game that tried HomeGamer's souls. And stomachs.
Finally, you might ask, what was the final damage tote of this "film"?

Total Cost of Movie, in 1991 Dollars: 65 Million (Rumor has it that this amount reflects an under-reporting of Willis' salary).
Total World Gross, in 1998 Dollars: 17.218 Million

I think there's a lesson there for all of us.

LET'S ALL HAWK ONE UP, SHALL WE?

BEMaven> Duck and cover.
Balthayzr> "ACE BONE PRODUCTIONS"
Q> charles manson lived in mideival england? did i miss something?
Plumm> The Everlasting Gobstopper!
Bice> Mrs. Bice sez: Frank Stallone - your sign of a quality movie
Ironf> And quality music
Balthayzr> James Corburn, too? What, did we just hire whoever was sitting around the casting office that day?
Plumm> Thank God someone finally made another Cave Dwellers movie.
Q> g-force!
Bice> Ator!
Balthayzr> I've invented the Voltron Force!!
Ironf> Ladyhawk!
BEMaven> an aerial penis pump. those wacky italians.
Bice> This narration was the first job Jimmy Stewart did after he died.
Balthayzr> Note: Bruce had this movie run thru a computer to put more hair on his head. It's true!!!!
BEMaven> Am i the only who thinks Bruce Willis looks like someone drawn by Charles Schulz?
Ironf> "That donut-hole eatin'...."
BEMaven> Huntz Hall is the Saint.
Ironf> Always fun when people snipe your coffee
mgrasso> ok, so, you can just shoot wildly in this yuppie bar. makes sense.
Q> so gunplay is fine, but fisticuffs is out?
Balthayzr> So, the plot revolves around stealing Jim Beam gag bottles?
Ironf> That or old Avon musk bottles
Plumm> A lot of trouble to go through to build a zipline.
Ironf> The letter U and the numeral 2
mgrasso> "it's a bunch of wasted names that don't mean diddly-shit!"
Q> i saw a couple squirrels do this on a telephone line once - wasn't pretty
Ironf> "Hudson Hawk Expert"
BEMaven> 'written on the fly'? Is that another code word for coke?
mgrasso> this babbling is taking away from valuable HUDSON HAWK TIME!
Bice> A 35 year old guy named "Jeffy". No wonder he's a Hudson Hawk expert.
mgrasso> is it me, or does this movie simply say to our riffing, "go ahead, try. you can't do it."
BEMaven> ahh, toy piano music during a million dollar heist.
BEMaven> Hear the man sing and understand why he steals for a living.
Bice> Ah, so they can just jump off the roof. So much for dramatic tension.
*** LODI (LODI@h24-64-234-57.cg.wave.shaw.ca) has joined #MST-HomeGame>
LODI> ok this blows
*** LODI has quit IRC ((signed off)
Bice> I fell asleep right? That tongue thing was just a nightmare. Please, someone say it was.
Balthayzr> Cat burglars? The guys who put in my carpeting made less noise.
GersonK> More like Little Yappy Dog Burglars
GersonK> Umm, are they showing this film in order?
Bice> Good question. How the hell did we get in an ambulance?
Q> hey mister - are you gonna die? unbelievable - i can't understand why the singles crowd hasn't embraced this magnificent pickup line
GersonK> I think Bruce is familiar with that feeling
* Ironf is still confused on how we got into the ambulance
Balthayzr> I certainly hope Cliff Notes were handed out with the popcorn when this mess played.
Ironf> Mario Bros!
Bice> Hawky? The Mario brothers? What f*cking movie is this?
* Ironf swings his arms, from side to side
Bice> Double your Thomas Dolbies
Ironf> Would that be in Thomas Dolby stereo?
BEMaven> Bruce is instinctively drawn to the Vatican's forbidden archive of porn
mgrasso> wow. the crucifix-phone is ringing robin!
Bice> Mrs Bice sez: The "Bubble up Pumper" sounds like something from an Adam and Eve catalog
Bice> Vadican guys say "schmuck"?
Balthayzr> Mrs. Balth wants to know why the condom machine has a phone in it.
Ironf> For safe phone sex
Bice> Does anyone have *any* idea what's going on anymore? Because I'm trying to figure out if I should be drinking less or more.
Q> wonder how long it took them to paint that tan on him
BEMaven> 'You were in the joint...doing hard time. funny, that excites me."
mgrasso> "catholic girls are scary."
mgrasso> "you want me to rape him?"
GersonK> Did he just say what I think he did?
Q> you want me to rape him?
Q> no no, you're thinking of pulp fiction, movie - that's not going to be released for another few years
Balthayzr> "The Pope likes Mr. Ed." Sounds like an Urban Legend.
BEMaven> The dog's wizz was time-compressed. willis let it run for 5 minutes.
GersonK> Actually, they were hoping this movie would start Nunsploitation as its own genre
* Q wonders whether her fondness for grant outweighs her annoyance for brucey and sandra
Balthayzr> No wonder this movie changes locations so much. That way, everyone has enough scenery to chew.
BEMaven> never, never, never try to supply you own material in Bruce's movie, Danny
Bice> What was so funny about ruins? This movie is like jokes with all the humor removed
Bice> Is this supposed to be an action movie or an action movie spoof?
Plumm> yes
Bice> Ah
GersonK> It's a spoof of a comedy
Q> what a daring fashion statement, to wear a coffee table on one's head
BEMaven> for the stunt falls, Bruce and Danny landed on loose cash.
Kazzam> Why couldn't they land on hard coins
Bice> Didn't *anyone* involved in the making of this movie notice how much it sucked?
Plumm> Do you think they would have cared, Bice?
Plumm> I kind of admire how brazenly crappy it is, actually
GersonK> That machine looks like Lectroid technology
Ironf> And Mr. Toad's Wild Ride goes savagely wrong
Bice> That machinery survived the 500 years well.
Balthayzr> Great DaVinci invented the Hallmark Keepsake Ornament.
Plumm> And Bruce and Andie are taken down by a US Navy missle drone just off Long Island. The End.
Plumm> Time to take the Atorglider to safety.
Ironf> Brought to you by the Nintendo of Italy campaign
Q> hudson hawk. alien3. leonard part 6. living proof that you should *not* let actors have too much power.
Bice> Wow. That really was the worst movie I've *ever* seen. Including all the MST3K movies.
Q> which family member of jeffrey's did they have to kidnap to make him profess fondness for this awful piece of filth?
Balthayzr> Heh. Laura Palmer was a Story Consultant. Was that before or after her murder?
Ironf> during
Plumm> www.rhondashear.com
Bice> That movie wasn't better than anything. Not even a blow to the groin.
BEMaven> i learned that Bruce willis doesn't die enough at a film's climax
GersonK> Actually,I think in another week, we'll have all reflected on this film and come to appreciate its subtle points like little Jeffy did
GersonK> me finally puts the dots together - return of bruno, bruno the kid. My but Bruce has weaved a rich tapestry for us.
* lando5 actually has a copy of "The Return of Bruno"

WILLIS-ISMS
"You're full of doo."
"Hey mister, are you gonna die?"
"I'm tired of not understanding things"
"What does the color blue taste like?"

BRUCE AND COFFEE: WHAT'S THE CONNECTION?
Actually, we're not sure. What we do know is that there was a definite anti-coffee theme going on in this movie. Could Willis have been subtly warning the world about some java-related conspiracy? A world-wide Detonating Coffee Epidemic? No one knows for sure. Here are some prime examples...

Plumm> What am I clown? Do I make your cappacuino explode for you? Is that it?
BEMaven> my cappuccino never burst...just dissolved.
Bice> This movie has more coffee problems than Sky Divers.
Balthayzr> Uh, is coffee and coffee-related products exploding a plot point I should be remembering?
GersonK> Balth - yes, apparently in this movie's reality the Manhattan Project was actually run by Juan Valdez. They've discovered how to make a C-Bomb.
Balthayzr> Oh, no! More exploding coffee!!
Plumm> Got Milk?
GersonK> You know, so does Starbucks
Plumm> Gunshots! Hide your coffee!
Balthayzr> And it makes coffee, thus tying up that plot point.
GersonK> Why didn' the coffee blow him up?