Director: Mario Bava (aliases: John Foam, John Hold, Mickey Lion, John M. Old, John Old, Antonio Roman)
Written by: James Hartford, Louis "Pajama Party" Heyward, Robert Kaufman, Elwood "The Three Stooges Meet Hercules" Ullman
Producers: Fulvio Lucisano
Like Diogenes with his lamp searching for an honest man, we here at the Home Game are dedicated to finding a movie on the American Movie Classics channel that actually is an American movie classic, not just an American movie, or an American classic, or a movie classic for that matter. Unfortunately, Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs isn't American, it certainly isn't a classic, and it's definitely not a movie. How this film got past the AMC admissions committee and into the AMC film vault is beyond us, but we speculate it has something to do with affirmative action. This mass of moving pictures comes to us from Italy, land of Mussolini, olive oil, gourmet coffee, the Mafia, greasy hair, hairy armpits, and cheap films. Basically, Vincent Price's evil twin cousin, Vinsent Pryce plays Dr. Goldfoot, a gay and pithy little man who has been swallowed by the quagmire of heterosexual society. He decides to fight back by building bombs that look like Xuxa. He sends them out into the world to blow up military leaders and key members of a syndicate who have been conspiring against the world populace to cover-up plans to a future colonization by aliens. Anyway, the two idiots from Power Rangers are picked by a sabotaged computer to save the world, but instead they pleasure the real hero of the movie, Fabian. Fabian stops Dr. Goldfoot by giving him the one thing that he was denied by the world - love.
GOLDFOOT, PhD IN LOVE
BryanL> Meanwhile, at the Tit Building...
* THX-1138 is programmed for love and destruction
MrBooze> AH! Is god yelling at them!
BryanL> They end up in a gay bar by mistake, and wackiness ensues.
KevinL> Okay, so is this a spy spoof or gay porn?
BryanL> You can tell the robotic girl bombs by the fact that they have twice the personality of your average 60's chick.
MrBooze> Man, this is like a Mad Magazine cartoon brought to life, isn't it?
BryanL> May I take your hat, General Tailhook?
Bice> Say, baby, want to see my missle?
MrBooze> So does Fabian spend the whole movie in bondage?
KevinL> Italian actor, dubbed by George Costanza's father.
KevinL> He's saying he likes girl with big vaginas.
BryanL> This movie has all the dubbing missing from Devlin and Emmerich's "Godzilla".
THX-1138> I am Fabian, and you know nothing of work.
Bice> Because I'm jolly well British, you know. Pip pip.
MrBooze> Because I'm clearly not a hick from Alabama doing a fake british accent.
KevinL> They made this movie by playing the dialogue from a Japanime movie over top of three episodes of Bosom Buddies.
MrBooze> Hercule Poirot has really let himself go.
BryanL> Nick Fury: Agent of L.A.M.E.
MrBooze> Dammit, Fabian, this is not your personal war!
KevinL> Those girls are Da Bomb.
Bice> They've got saggy diapers that leak.
MrBooze> Ralph Nader says these asses are unsafe at any speed.
THX-1138> Man, where do they stick the "Inspected by" stickers on those girls.
MrBooze> Vincent chats up the cameraman during some downtime during the filming.
THX-1138> A swimming pool/deep fryer. Impressive.
MrBooze> This has the masterful camera work and sound editing of the 60's Batman movie.
BryanL> You see, the computer sees your effeminate, flaming nature as a series of ones and zeroes.
MrBooze> Noo! The envolope stuffing machine is dead! I'll never win the Frito-Lay sweepstakes!
MrBooze> Ah, I miss the days when forcible rape was acceptable.
KevinL> Here, have some roofie punch.
THX-1138> 2 Idiots, a Bomb Girl, and a Pizza Place. On WB this fall.
MrBooze> Uh oh, she's going to rebuff him with interpretive dance.
KevinL> She's gonna do a fan dance to distract him so Kirk and Spock can surround him.
MrBooze> Few people were aware of Fabian's Tourette's Syndrome.
* MrBooze has seen more revealing clothing on school girls at the mall.
THX-1138> And the White Slave trade continues.
Bice> The phone just farted.
BryanL> He tried the Propecia, but a couple of the girl bombs touched a broken tablet and exploded.
Bice> So, are we to assume that most Italians are mildly retarded then?
BryanL> Vincent Price in drag as a pregnant nun. Now I've seen everything.
Bice> Is he standing under the cone of silence?
BryanL> So. The robot's a complete and utter retard. What a surprise.
THX-8311> Bishop, you traitor.
BryanL> I'm calling a foul. Move this movie 20 yards back.
MrBooze> Did I drop acid earlier without knowing it?
BryanL> The B52 is loaded! Somebody pump Fred Schneider's stomach!
KevinL> This is the rest of the Zapruder footage. It's just that nobody keeps watching after JFK's head explodes.
Bice> This movie offends the intellegence of shrubbery.
* KevinL swallows 3 bags of candy and mails himself to a Mexican birthday party.
KevinL> So, it's a Smashing Pumpkins video now?
MrBooze> This is sort of like Dr Strangelove, only not good and in fact offensively awful.
KevinL> You know, if you start this movie and Dark Side of the Moon at the same time, they don't match up at all.
dungarees> What's with the swedish vibrator in the middle of the table?
THX-8311> YOU! Out of the gene pool!
dungarees> A young Peter Parker looks fetching in houndstooth
dungarees> They should really look into some L-dopa.
* MrBooze needs to find the coreographer and give him money to treat his parkinson's disease.
RALLZ IS DA BOMB!
"Men's room's our only chance!"
"You bet your egg foo young I am."
"Good lord, he's pregnant?"
"We've GOT to find the nest!"
MOVIE TAGLINES: Don't Touch!..These are Booby Bombs (Booby traps with curves)
The girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels!