x15 FIRESTARTER (9/20/97)

MOVIE
Put your brain down for the night and curl up with: Secret Government Projects(TM), quaint cornshucking crusty and/or lovable ol' country coots that harbor protagonists, shoes that burst into flames, tranquilizing darts fired by perverse former Pattons, TV's Benson, horses named Necromancer, Martin Sheen under Satanic Control, eyepatches and fake ponytails, corpses in closets,  Drew Barrymore during her "morphine and liquid eyeliner" years, portraits of dead presidents, a series of increasingly bloody noses, the creepiest George C Scott ever put to film, and yes: fires. Fires that are started, even. You have to give this faithless Stephen King adaptation credit for it's stunning use of David Keith's hair. Other then that...

URGENT QUOTES PENDING INSPECTION
KevinL> It needs to be letterboxed so you get the full aspect ratio for David Keith's nosebleeds.
Merlynn> His Micheal Keaton impression gives him power over others?
Browdreg> And so, their special drug-induced bond was born in the midst of psychedelic weirdness
Balthasar> Isn't traveling with an uncontrollable pyrokinetic a BAD idea?
KevinL> This movie needs a rabid St Bernard, a psychotic clown, a giant spider, a murderous Plymouth...
THX-1138> I hope someday, you can grow up to become a respectable young woman that dances on late night talk show host's desks.
SpinCycle> I see the headlines now: "Short girl with boy's name burns feds...  results disastrous"
Browdreg> David Keith, for all your sweaty 5 o' clock shadow needs
Trainman> Oh, The Shop.  That's at The Strip Mall off The Highway.
Mechman50> "Remember...that....I....died....in....hay..."
Balthasar> And NASA's toast warfare experiments continue...
Merlynn> So ,by playing Donkey Kong, you can become god-like!?!
Browdreg> Insert Bloodhound Gang song reference
KevinL> To David Keith, "pot holder" means a roach clip.
THX-1138> What they need are some monks who don't mind catching on fire.
Trainman> Since when does the Supreme Court review firestarting cases?
Browdreg> even a young Trautmann doesn't really deserve spontaneous combustion
Balthasar> Nice fireball. But can she do the Dragon Uppercut?
THX-1138> Say, George, whatta you say about striking a deal with a fat clown?
KevinL> He's gonna tag her and release her back into the wild to track her migratory pattern.
SpinCycle> would you like some cookies and arsenic.. err... milk?
Trainman> Hey, it's Win Ben Stein's Eyedrops!
KevinL> Anybody else think that Drew Barrymore's contact with Mr C. Scott on this film may have been what sent her spiralling downward into a world of drugs and alcohol?
Balthasar> Dear Editor. My daughter starts fires with her mind. I am not a nut.
Browdreg> How would you like something porky and salty for dessert?
THX-1138> This movie was clearly a giant metaphor for the problems caused by hemorrhoids.
Trainman> Don't iss-pay off-yay the irestarter-fay...
Olaf> A car with a fuel tank and a girl that can start fires with her mind,  is it wise to put them together?
Balthasar> He just wants to slap Drew and send her back to the front lines...
Mechman50> OH MY GOD, IT'S NOT FILLED WITH STARS!
Browdreg> Swiss Miss: The Final Conflict
Jamie> You know, I heard Drew's Amy Fisher had a different spin on the story, but this . . .
Balthasar> Captain Ron in his later years took to stalking young has-beens...
KevinL> What exactly is the difference between Tangerine Dream and John Carpenter anyway?
Browdreg> Because you see, Firestarting can be a potent force for goodness
Merlynn> Saying,"I love you,Charlie." is as bad as, "I'm Dr. Ted Nelson."
Mechman50> "STOP, DROP, AND DIE!"
KevinL> No animals were burned beyond recognition during the making of this film...
Balthasar> So, what did we learn?
Trainman> We learned that if you have a nosebleed, you should pinch your nose shut, not just wipe the blood up with Kleenex. Mechman50> I learned that being able to throw fireballs is pretty cool
KevinL> I learned that Prometheus was wrong to steal the gift of Fire

MST HG  M O N S T E R !

FIRESTARTER

"Charlie"

AKA: Drew "Look at my breasts" Barrymore

Kingdom: Child Star

Genus: Future Bimbo

Species: Idiotius Kiddius

Special Powers: Looking stupid, blowing stuff up, and killing anyone who claims to love her.

Weakness: George C. Scott in an eyepatch, snipers, and her dad.

Notes: If you've always wanted to know just how horribly wrong super powered kids can go, look no father than Charlie. She's stupid, easily manipulated, and able to destroy tall buildings with a single pout. Adding to this, she sometimes calls herself Drew, isn't effected by lack of oxygen, and can only be stopped by a big freak like George C. Scott and you have a modern nightmare that only our tax dollars would pay for.

for mankind.
Browdreg> I learned that eyepatches usually connotate EVIL.
Merlynn> That saying,"I love you,Charlie." will get you killed.
Balthasar> I learned that teaching someone to use their powers and expecting them to stay your prisoner is not a good idea.
THX-1138> I learned that it's okay to play with fire, as long as it's for a good cause.
Browdreg> You know, it could be pointed out that the roof, the roof, the roof  is on fire.

MOST REVEALING LINES FROM THE FILM:
 "I'm nervous about this. What if I go on a bad trip or something?"
"Why don't you just stop bugging me?"
"Charlie, you have got to control this thing. Because it is a BAD THING! A very BAD THING!"
"Please God! Oh please, God! Don't be here!"
"If I do something bad, will you still love me?"
"I got some tall apologizing to do!"
"Be a good Nazi? No, I guess not."
"Inside her... IS the power of the gods...We're going to be close, she and I. Oh yes, very close."
"All of us here are interested in that and are wondering how far you can take it..."
"Increase his medication. I'll decide what to do with him later."
"Listen... are you scared by my face?"
"I expect to do my best unstoned!"
"I got a good idea you'll get a chance to see what a steak feels like in a microwave oven..."