x186 THE ENFORCER (11/27/98)

MOVIE
Enjoy your turkey and cranberry? Well, sit your L-tryptophan-saturated ass down and enjoy The Enforcer. The Dirty Harry franchise got kind of worn around the edges by the end of the 70s. By this point, Clint was coasting, starring in ape/trucker movies with increasing intensity; he didn't need the paycheck that recreating the role of Dirty Harry Callahan provided. So, in The Enforcer, we reach the zenith of Dirty Harry 70s silliness. Quite simply, we've got blaxploitation, femsploitation, commie-sploitation, Tyne-splotiation, and many others. Dirty Harold is teamed up with a woman (a girl! a Grimolt warrior beaten by a girl!) as he tries to come to terms with the more touchy-feely San Francisco Police Department, the city having been of course taken over by the International Gay Mafia Conspiracy back in '73. So, even as THE WOMAN tries to tie Harry's hands and take away his big, powerful gun, Commie troublemakers are joining up with the bruthas to wreak havoc in the city. Will Harry confront the femminess inherent in the system and assert his masculinity? How long will the improvisational jazz chase music persist? How many dirty commie punks will Harry poke basketball-sized holes in? Just how will Harry's new partner die? These questions and more are answered tonight on: "Dirty Harry, Dirty DEAD."

GRIMACE AND SQUEEZE THE TRIGGER
Wafflekins> 24 hours of lockjaw performances
Djenk> 24 hours of Eastwood to go....I wanna be sedated....
Balthayzr> Is this the new CHiPS?
Cthulhu> The horny blue line.
Ironf> UPS delievers whores now?
Cthulhu> It's the Arkansas Governor's mansion!
Balthayzr> "Delivery from the Slut-Of-The-Month Club!"
Mellie> I think the gun-toating maniac is from a really militant faction of NAMBLA
Cthulhu> You WILL enjoy Man-Boy Love!
Djenk> BITTER BEER DEATH!!!
Balthayzr> So, I take it this is how the Teamster's finnaly settled the UPS strike?
Ironf> good to see they went all out on credits
BEMaven> uh, you don't need a shotgun to open a longneck beer.
mgrasso> the enforcer...! the enrforcer's guests tonight.... don rickles, joan embry, and meadowlark lemon!
Plumm> Ah, just we needed. A Daly.
BEMaven> ah, the crunchy taste of a Mannix theme.
Balthayzr> It's not wacka-chika, but it'll do.
Cthulhu> Mitchell... oh wait... wrong movie.
Mellie> It's almost easy listening, with a twist of muzak.
Ironf> based on a couple of finks, eh
Djenk> Characters creted by a pair of Finks....makes sense
BEMaven> does McGarrett know one of his men is moonlighting in San Fran with Clint?
mgrasso> *clint* "i eat rice-a-roni... don't f*** with me."
Balthayzr> Tonights Episode: The Streets of San Francisco MURDER!"
Plumm> San Francisco in the late 70s? Does Dirty Harry bust a cap on Jim Jones in this installment?
Plumm> Faux GK!
mgrasso> this movie is going in and out of my field of vision... was that GK and lance henriksen?
Balthayzr> Filmed in Motion-Sickness Vision!
Balthayzr> It's a Heart-Atack-ack-ack-ack!!
Balthayzr> I don't remember hand-rubbing in my CPR course.
Djenk> Apparently Clint missed his last Red Cross training class..
BEMaven> give him a 45 caliber defib.
Balthayzr> Not a full-fledged Wormy Guy, but an incredible Simulation!!
mgrasso> it's a tense hostage situation... just let clint walk in with a big-ass gun.
Balthayzr> And we have 70's sideburn sign!!
Cthulhu> Back when the .44 Magnum was high tech.
Balthayzr> Hey, the hostage-taking accepts American Express!!
BEMaven> smooth move, Clint. Tell the gunmen you're from Avis.
mgrasso> can i lay bets that doughy guy is toast?
Mellie> ooh.. vegas odds, mike?
* Djenk covers grassos bet
mgrasso> 5:4
mgrasso> i think that's right.
* Cthulhu wants a piece of the action.
Bice> I'd like to put a daily double on the hostage.
BEMaven> Clint floats in on the booze fumes.
mgrasso> funny how the street punks always look like the guy who can be found at the van nuys dinner theatre. ah well.
Balthayzr> Uh, please, no fondling the Clint.
BEMaven> Mitch is no better at CPR than Harry.
Balthayzr> And we want an Odyssey 2 game system!!
Cthulhu> Oh man! That's a blast from my past!
Balthayzr> Guy kicked Clint so hard, he knocked his hairline back an inch.
* Bice just notices Balt's Odyessey 2 ref. Cool.
BEMaven> San Fran's first drive-thru liquor store.
Bice> So when does Eddie Murphy enter into this?
Balthayzr> Great. The rest of the movie is gonna be Dirty Harry meets Dilbert.
Cthulhu> Ruth Ginsberg, police chief.
BEMaven> The aura examining board? Only in San Fran
mgrasso> *i'm* the robber.... and *you're* the tyranny of evil men, ringo.
Mellie> And the kid's got a box of snowcaps, see?
Balthayzr> Not quite the Kobamashi Maru, is it?
mgrasso> humiliation, mock executions... the SFPD offers a host of entertaining possibilities.
Plumm> We want you to conduct Stalinist purges, Mr. Callahan.
BEMaven> But Clint got good references from Lt. Frank Drebin.
Mellie> So, is that Cagny or Lacy?
mgrasso> tyne daly *is* margot kidder *in* the susan b. anthony story
mgrasso> oh wait. it *is* her
Ironf> I tyne often, but never daily
Mellie> Personnel: the line that will haunt Harry forever
Balthayzr> Actually, they're gonna put some bionics in her and make an "INspector Gadgette."
mgrasso> or "gidget"
Ironf> ohh so sorry, the correct riff would have been Inspector Gidget, Balth
Cthulhu> How much did it cost you? Ohhhh.
Cthulhu> You see! Miltant feminism and Gritty 70s cop films CAN go together.
BEMaven> San Fran police is recruiting Lt. Saavik?
Cthulhu> Hope Harry doesn't go into Pon Fare.
Bice> That's Harry's "eating crow" look. Very similar to his "blowing away a perp" look and his "constipated" look.
BEMaven> 'Blowing away a perp' relieves his constipation, Bice.
Balthayzr> Is Harry constipated? I always thought it was a Root Canal.
mgrasso> i thought it was tetanus.
BEMaven> Root Canal was Harry's dead gay partner.
mgrasso> william katt is patty hearst in the huggy bear story.
BEMaven> 'and this time, put on ski masks...NOT ski boots!'\
mgrasso> this looks fun. the army of the 12 monkeys is going to destroy the docks.
Cthulhu> Marxist terrorist always have to asscesorize.
Bice> "Easily Fooled Security Guards. Since 1975."
Plumm> So, they're breaking into the Hobgoblins warehouse?
Balthayzr> I always wondered what Orville Rehdenbacher did after he left the popcorn buisness....
mgrasso> to wage war against the MAN, we'll need guns and stock "hep" phrases, brothers and sisters.
Plumm> the NAM, the MAN, same diff
mgrasso> a rocket launcher! just what i've always wanted!
Cthulhu> So what was it about the 70s and Left-wing extremist groups?
Balthayzr> They're stealing all our wax paper! We won't be able to make Xmas cookies!!!
BEMaven> aw, c'mon! do you see any of those boxes addressed 'TO THE PEOPLE'?
Balthayzr> "Hey! We broke into the Nerf warehouse by mistake!!"
mgrasso> "when you reach over, and put your hand in a pile of goo, that was once your partner's bearclaw...."
Balthayzr> And the NWO runs in and ruins the arrest.
Mellie> Pfft.. women in a militant gang. How stylish.
mgrasso> jimmy smits comforts susan dey in the l.a. law prequel...
mgrasso> pinky rings. *sniff* i miss the 70s.
Plumm> pinky rings in a movie about pinko rings.
mgrasso> the hungarian who can finger keyser soze is in there.
mgrasso> ok, did fish adopt willis from "diff'rent strokes," or was that one huge fever dream?
Balthayzr> Real life, Grasso. Sorry.
Balthayzr> Aw, it's the Jimmy Smits scene all over again!!!
BEMaven> why did they shove the nurse call button up his nose?
mgrasso> "and now, a man with a nurse call button... up his *brother's* nose."
Balthayzr> MENDOZAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mellie> "I love you, Harry! More than my wife!"
Cthulhu> I love fat partner, and when you hit your knees tonight, tell go to love him too.
Balthayzr> That nurse sure sounds concerned about the code blue.
Bice> 24 hours of Eastwood. Check you gun and brain at the door.
Balthayzr> "The MAN says it's a Code Blue."
Balthayzr> This is the movie where Harry deflects Stinger missiles with his clenched jaw, isn't it?
BEMaven> Code Blue means the call button slipped out another patient's nose.
Bice> I know it's not the one with the rape scene on the train. That was "The Gauntlet". Some administrator in my high school thought that would be a good Xmas film to show the kids. He was fired shortly after that.
Bice> Inspect her more? I barely know
BEMaven> LAW---Light Antitank Weapon
Cthulhu> LAW-- Loser Alcoholic Workshop.
Bice> LAW - Loaded Antisocial Wino
Cthulhu> LAW--Laughing Albino Weasel.
mgrasso> i didn't see this coming. honestly, i didn't.
Mellie> Yes. I too was taken by surprise, Michael.
Ironf> Look it's like the cartoon with the little yippy dog running around the big one
mgrasso> iron: i was thinking the same thing, but i couldn't express it so succinctly
Balthayzr> "We're friends, ain't we Spike?"
Cthulhu> This will teach the military to print the instruction for those things on the side.
Balthayzr> Uh, Clint needed to blow up a halftrack to know how dangerous these things are?
Balthayzr> Ron Howard IS Lurch in Millenium II!
Djenk> killing knive, as opposed to one of those "seriously incovinienced" knives
Cthulhu> There are dead Newcomers all over the place!
BEMaven> the autopsy would go much faster if they used a LAW rocket.
Plumm> Cagney just had a vsion of what she'd look like for the reunion movies
Cthulhu> Hey Harry! What's this big sack thing supposed to be?
mgrasso> definite echoes of the quincy credits
Ironf> finally some good 70's music
mgrasso> oh man. he's pimp-o-matic.
Mellie> Aahh.. good, wholesome woka.
Bice> Oooh, *flute* waka!
mgrasso> and the recorder makes an appearance
Bice> Jazz chase music. Only in the 70s.
Plumm> Rob reiner!
Ironf> Get outta the way Meathead
Cthulhu> Meathead was really a member of the SDS?
mgrasso> now, over to buddy love on the casio keyboard synthesizer
Cthulhu> Get funky!
BEMaven> music by Mormon Tabernacle Ragtime Band.
Ironf> ahhh cue bongos
Balthayzr> Bongo jazz!
mgrasso> recorder to keyboard, to bongos
* Bice makes a note to look for this soundtrack
* Cthulhu wants a copy so he can burn it.
Balthayzr> It's starting to sound like Pink Panther incidental music.
BEMaven> this is so not like a location shoot in 'I Spy'.
Balthayzr> No! I'll miss Joker's Wild!!!
Plumm> Clint! Stop chasing the bombing suspect and TEAR DOWN THAT DANGEROUS CIGARETTE BILLBOARD! You're a Cali cop, fer God's sake!
Cthulhu> Riggs! Get you ass in here!
Balthayzr> ANd the Tick and Aurthur come by in the other direction....
mgrasso> shaft dropped in on a porn taping
Cthulhu> Super Freak OUT!!
Mellie> Wow.. fell right into a porn set.
mgrasso> and, after that porn interlude, back to the 70s music chase.
Balthayzr> They fell into the Sinister Urge set.
Bice> Is there a reason we didn't get to see what they were filming?
Cthulhu> Parent's now would be a good time to talk to your kids.
mgrasso> i think they were telling secrets.
Balthayzr> And now, It's a CLint, CLint, Clint, Clint World.
Mellie> "Man, this is a church! What are you doing?"
Mellie> "Altarboys."
Balthayzr> Holy Water Inspectors! Nobody move!!!
Cthulhu> This is when the Marxism was in vogue in the RCC.
Balthayzr> I thought all the Church's were evil and right-wing, thus they *love* the police.
BEMaven> ...and the band ODs before they can do the 'waa waa waa' signoff.'
Cthulhu> When was Elliot Gould ordained?
Mellie> hey mike, weren't women able to wear pants and sensible shoes to work in the seventies? or were they all confined to smart skirt suits and platform wedgies?
mgrasso> early 70s: skirts. late 70s: slacks.
mgrasso> easy answer.
Balthayzr> Mid 70's: naked.
Djenk> Yoo-Hoo-Roo?
Balthayzr> Uhuru?
Djenk> Fake Chocolate Milk For Kangaroos
BEMaven> a black militant group called Yoohoohoo?
Cthulhu> All the other good Militant group names were taken.
Ironf> He's treading dangerously close to being a poor role model of Black Samson
Mellie> He's small time. Look at how tiny his medalion is.
Balthayzr> Beige Backgrounds: Your Guide to Quality 70's Entertainment.
Balthayzr> "WHite Honkeys". s opposed to the black honkeys.
Bice> No, as opposed to White Crackers.
BEMaven> is he going to check the gender of every desk ornament?
Mellie> Desk ornaments must be properly sexed for peace of mind.
Balthayzr> Oh, I get it! Black people steal!!
Ironf> I'm sorry, the card says "moops"
Balthayzr> Is there any delightful 70's stereotype we haven't marched out, yet?
Cthulhu> Errrrrr..... let's see, we have cops, feminists, blacks, leftist terrorists....
Bice> Balt: Coke-snortin' disco-dancing music business guy
Plumm> Roger Clinton, Bice?
Balthayzr> Movie Rule #321: All black people in 70's movies must have a zebra print on their walls.
Balthayzr> One Adam 12, we have 2 black people hanging around on the corner of 1st and Orange. Investigate and Pummel.
BEMaven> great, now the Barber's Liberation Shop has a stake in this.
Balthayzr> Is the middle cop Davey Jones?
Bice> You are, like, *totally* surrounded, I'm sure.
Balthayzr> The movie lapped itself, didn't it?
Cthulhu> Errr... I got's to know?
Balthayzr> That's what I always wanted to see. Shaft in one of Greg Brady's shirts.
Djenk> SF Penal code 32, sec 8, wearing afros below regulation height....
Mellie> Every one of the cops' suits looks like it came from the Montgomery Wards mens department.
BEMaven> sleep tight tonight, hotels. San Fran PD will keep your towels safe.
Cthulhu> You got a robe in your bag! Don't you!
BEMaven> i'd feel better if this movie didn't toss in subplots like they were tear gas grenade.
Djenk> Subplots: Light Quickly And Run
Balthayzr> I think I saw this on a diagnosis: Murder. The Militants are spelling out "Die, Honkeys!" in explosion sites across the city.
mgrasso> wow. so the PR guys for the police are obsequious, wormy, and femmy. what a shock.
Bice> He almost said "her cunning stunts", but thought better of it.
BEMaven> no souvenir tumblers were lost during the capture.
Mellie> Such a charming.. erm, lip curl Moore has.
mgrasso> "you're mine, bender. for 180 days, you're mine."
Cthulhu> 180 days? I hope the booze holds out.
Bice> 180 days? That's long enough to squeeze one of those monkey movies in.
BEMaven> make it 181 day suspension. it's a leap year.
mgrasso> i wonder where they were able to find all those old cars to fill the parking lot.... oh.
Balthayzr> Mulder and Scully..........'s stunt doubles.
Mellie> Paging Dr Freud...
Balthayzr> It's not a Dirty Harry movie unless someone talks about Harry's Phallic Symbol.
Balthayzr> No! Ricardo Montelbahn is gonna make someone shoot the Queen!!!
mgrasso> that dubbing is worse than any godzilla movie.
Bice> I think if we want to beat the crowd, we *should* use clubs.
Cthulhu> Take me out to the Stock Footage Game.
Balthayzr> Well, it's still better than BaseketBall.
Cthulhu> Or Major League 3: Direct to Video!
Ironf> I will gladly raise the bridge Thursday for a hamburger today
Cthulhu> I'm the ramrod!
mgrasso> they *left* a no-hitter?
Plumm> grasso, it was a *baseball* game. people take every opportunity to leave early
mgrasso> wow. taser!
mgrasso> *Very* early appearance.
Cthulhu> The TASER!!! THE TASER!!!
Bice> The guy behind the passenger seat looks exactly like Phil Ehart. Not that anyone knows who he is.
Cthulhu> Marxist Thugs alwasy strike during the 7th Inning Stretch.
Balthayzr> And thus, the secret entrance to the MIB Headquarters is revealed!!
Balthayzr> In olden days a glimpse of taser was considered very shocking, but heaven knows, anything goes....
Balthayzr> Boy, Howard Stern was very square looking in his early days.....
Cthulhu> The Rush Limbaugh Show... before the eating binge.
mgrasso> and robin was really white.
Balthayzr> But, is he gonna Play Misty for Them?
Balthayzr> You know, there's where the real money lies. Owning a pool hall and renting it out to bad movies.
Bice> Your mouthwash ain't making it! THAT's where that comes from!
Mellie> yes, this meatless waif can be *yours* if the beer is right...
* Balthayzr begins writing a Dirty Harry movie.
Balthayzr> Let's see, Scene one-----Harry breaks the law, but gets results.
Cthulhu> Don't forget to mention his gun!
Balthayzr> Scene 2-------clueless superior chews him out, threatens his job.
Cthulhu> And mention his gun.
mgrasso> hmm... a revolutionary who works at tiffany's. why am i not surprised
Balthayzr> You know, a Shaft-Callihan team-up would be cheesily cool.
BEMaven> Now it's the Tiffanese Liberation Army.
Cthulhu> So this is why they want to overthrow capitalism? They could return last year's X-Mas gift to Tiffany's?
BEMaven> 'Death to the capitalists pigs! do you need your ring enlarged?'
Bice> Filmed in shadowrama
Plumm> I've never seen 8.5x11" tabs of acid before.
Mellie> Wow... pre-spam.
mgrasso> special guest director: david lynch.
Cthulhu> Meanwhile at a scratch and sniff sticker testing lab.
Balthayzr> Gosh, and Sinister Urge made porn look like such a nice, friendly buisness.
* Q makes a new rule for each new dirty harry movie: every time someone calls someone else a "punk!", sid vicious or another member of the sex pistols must appear and moon the camera
Cthulhu> Harry's only gettig back at the bully's who use to pick on him in High School.
Balthayzr> Yes, the 70's: When White People Wore Afros.
Q> mary beth lacey, no! say no to polyester!
Bice> Every time Clint squints, everyone has to take a drink. Hook up your IV's now.
Cthulhu> I'm drunk already.
Q> ooh, he has to make a priest confess to *him*. what dramatic irony
Cthulhu> The Father Pinko Mysteries.
Q> well, on the bright side, she just had communion so she should be going to heaven
Balthayzr> Our Lady of Perpetual Flying Lead.
Ironf> ohhh right in the temple
Balthayzr> Sister Mary Charlton Heston.
Q> sister mary ignacious magnum
Balthayzr> Tonights Episode: Bless me Father, for I have MURDERED!!!!!
BEMaven> I called Alcatraz
Cthulhu> Welcome to THE ROCK!!!
BEMaven> I hope the boat runs over Nicolas Cage.
Balthayzr> This is perfect. Clint will be right there to film "Escape from Alcatraz."
Balthayzr> Movie Rule #497: Bullets will ricochet and whine off of everything.
BEMaven> Next, Clint will collide with a talking ape.
Balthayzr> And now, the soundtrack from Night of the Lepus. Enjoy.
Balthayzr> "It shoots thru prisons!"
Q> i respect a man who can quote johnny dangerously, balth
Plumm> Let him go! Slow and low, that is the tempo!
Cthulhu> BTW, when did Marxist terrorists start wearing Roy Roger's shirts?
Plumm> When they started making them in Mao's reeducation camps, cthu
Mellie> I SAID :blam!: spread :blam!: your legs!
Balthayzr> Is the Mayor becoming more and more Richard dawson-like?
* Q cracks up at the way the terrorist runs
Q> he's the hapy terrorist!
Mellie> Oh, look.. they're playing sardines.
Balthayzr> This is the prequel to Red Dawn, isn't it?
Plumm> Jump back! Shoot myself!
Bice> Anyone call the female partner getting shot?
Cthulhu> I do!
* Cthulhu want's his money.
Mellie> She ate at Carls jr's
Q> so she got shot, and someone pulled the rug out from under her? that's just adding insult to injury, there
Balthayzr> Harry's assistants die quicker than women at the Ponderosa.
Bice> Eww. Bad touch.
Ironf> Maybe he should start kicking her in the head and telling her to get up
Bice> Firing rockets at the mayor. That's gotta be against the rules.
Balthayzr> Alcatraz was made out of paper-mache? No wonder they closed it.
BEMaven> looks like he bought a piece of the Rock.
Balthayzr> I AM THE LAW......rocket.
mgrasso> the funeral pyre of tyne daly
Plumm> Looks like none of the nearby police boats noticed anything
Q> you know, with all the money he makes, you'd think clint could afford to buy a pair of goddman glasses
Ironf> Now she gets to spend all her time with Yoda
Balthayzr> I said no crane shots, LaRue!!!
BEMaven> here's a tip, Clint...pick a partner who's already dead.
Balthayzr> Nice of the terrorists to realise the film budget was almost up, and to all gather in one place so Harry could nuke them.
Balthayzr> So, what did we learn?
Balthayzr> I learned not to be Dirty Harry's partner.
Cthulhu> I learned that Marxists have NO fashion sense.
Mellie> I learned an even more intricate use for a toilet plunger.
Ironf> I learned Clint can carry a HG movie pretty good
Bice> I learned not to babysit my parent's dog. That had nothing to do with the movie, though.
Cthulhu> I also learned that LAW rockets should be kept out of reach of children, terrorists, or Dirty Harry movie script writers.
mgrasso> i learned that holiday inn is a great place to steal items for the home or office.
Q> i learned that hot yummy chocolate makes homegames all better
Bice> I also leanred that feeding a six month old german shepard puppy *will* lead to cleaning a mess off the floor.
BEMaven> I learned that any character in a Dirty harry with redeeming qualities is dead meat.
Bice> I learned that I should verify that a movie is going to be on until 2am before I crack open another beer.
Balthayzr> I learned that, if I'm gonna be a successful villian, to kill Dirty harry as soon as I get my hands on him.
Mellie> I learned having a heart attack in San Francisco earns you a swift kick in the ribs.
Bice> I learned that Harry's got a big...gun.
Cthulhu> I learned that Clint's would make a great president... if the LP ever got a hold of any money.
Plumm> I stole a flyswatter and an ashtray in 7th grade.
BEMaven> I also learned that stealing mints from the Holiday Inn will bring the SWAT team for sure.

DIRTY QUOTES

"What do they want?" "They want a car."
"Personnel? That's for idiots!"
"What do you think this is, some kind of encounter group?"
"I'll mail you home to mama in a box."
"You too honey."
"Well well if it ain't the mighty whitey"
"Why that's mighty white of you."
"Your mouthwash ain't makin' it."

HOW EXPLOITATION FILM TOOK ITS TOLL

These are the real untold victims of 70s exploitation cinema: the actors and actresses who participated, often against their own will. "Every actor needs to eat," said 70s film icon George Kennedy in a 1981 interview, after the "me decade" had left the former world-acclaimed thespian wasted and syphilitic. So, here, the untold stories of 70s exploitation film... four stories of four actors in.... The Enforcer.

Reginald Q. Dobbs starred in numerous 70s films before lining up to be Dirty Harry's foil in The Enforcer and deliver the famous line "Well, if it ain't the mighty whitey!" He is listed as "Hood #3" in Shaft: Cop Killer and "Gangster #6" in Hell Up in Harlem. Sick of stereotyping, he still stooped to take the title role in the movie Angry Black Man Kills Every White Person He Sees, produced by Golan and Globus. ABMKEWPHS was never made, and Reggie made the brave decision to radically change his life. This change was aided by an overhaul of ideology, his looks, and eventually, even his name. Yes, today, that former blaxploitation bit player is Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas.

Tania "Firecracker" Smythe-Farthington was the heir to a fortune in Rhodesian nickel and tungsten when she was abducted by white slave traders. After a confused series of events, she ended up in Los Angeles, where she joined real-life militant group "The Candlestick Makers." Their agenda, the dismantling and destruction of the Hollywood studio system, was derailed after a failed assassination attempt on Anthony Zerbe. For the community service portion of their sentence, all were offered roles as extras in The Enforcer. After making the movie, Tania and her compatriots left the agitating business and went their separate ways. Today, Tania is a part-time aromatherapist and soccer mom in Orange County.

Elroy the Magic Blackboard had many roles in childrens' TV in the 50s and 60s: he was the blackboard often seen in the background of the "Kukla, Fran, and Ollie" show, and was the inspiration for the "3DBB" in "Tennessee Tuxedo." After '68, though, the kids-show roles dried up, and Elroy was forced to take more undignfied roles, like this one, the blackboard for the postal porn distributors in The Enforcer. Soon, Elroy found himself unable to shake the onus of SMUT, and spent the rest of his short life in porn productions like 12 Inches of Chalk, Eraser Head, and Chalk Powder Traces (lipstick lesbian flick). Unfortunately, Elroy became addicted to crack, and shattered one morning in 1989.

John Jacob Joachim Enriquez is possibly the most tragic story of them all. Riding on the high of playing the Commie-sympathizer priest in The Enforcer, he tried out for the coveted "Juan Epstein" role on "Welcome Back, Kotter." Beaten out by the now-legendary Robert Hegyes, Mr. J.J.J. Enriquez fell into a spiral of drink, drugs, and non-speaking roles in Cheech and Chong movies. Sad, really.

NOTE: All names have been changed to protect the innocent. Except for Elroy, that pervert.