x118 THE EIGER SANCTION (5/9/98)

MOVIE
In a blind taste test, 4 out of 5 British housewives couldn't tell Clint Eastwood from a dead George Kennedy. In The Eiger Sanction, we get the creamy nougat of GK and the hard candy shell of Clint, combining for a taste sensation unequalled in 70s cinema. This "spy" "thriller" doesn't have the staying power of a, say, Operation Double 007, but it does have lots of GK, big and bold, sassy and brassy. I know what you're saying. "Sure, it's got Clint and GK, but can't we have some rock climbing?" Consider it done. Overall, this isn't Clint's best-known directorial effort. That honor is reserved for a classic, award-winning film about revenge and redemption. That film is, yes, you guessed it, Bronco Billy.

IF I HAD AN EIGER, I'D EIGER IN THE MORNING
BryanL> End eiger sanctions now!
Plumm> I didn't know Lance Henricksen did snuff films.
BryanL> I know what you're thinking. Did I grade six tests, or only five.
Plumm> Paul Sorvino IS George Kennedy in TECHNO-IRONSIDE.
BryanL> Don "The Dragon" Wilson, international superspy.
Plumm> the glare on this guy's head is screwng with my eyesight, Kev
BryanL> Dr. Hemlock? Don't drink him!
BryanL> Clint Eastwood IS Batman.
Plumm> Get the Clintrope!
Plumm> Lost scenes from Jackie Brown.
BryanL> I thought I'd given up love, but I've found sweaty sex with stewardesses.
BryanL> Notice how her huge 'fro totally threw off the framing of that last shot there.
Plumm> ROCK CLIMBING!
BryanL> Rock climbing, Kevin.
BryanL> Rock climbing, David.
BryanL> Rock climbing, 'Rees.
KevinL> This movie is actually less interesting than watching paint dry.
Plumm> Why would they sometimes be ashamed of themselves on You Can't Do That On Television?
BryanL> He's leaving on a jetp plane. He doesn't know when he'll be back again.
THX-1138> Psstsst. You're not supposed to use the plane like a car.
KevinL> He's gonna climb Phallic Rock.
MrBooze> GK!
BryanL> Quick let me get all this dialogue out of the way!
Ironf> I'm Cherokee George
MrBooze> George Kennedy *is* that girl from Real Genius!
THX-1138> Did GK just ask if Clint was soft?
BryanL> So, to GK and CE end up in bed together?
LoveMuffinarees> Two Bruises? George...I didn't know you liked it kinky!
THX-1138> Does GK have lipstick on?
LoveMuffinarees> I do NOT want to see GK nursing Clint
BryanL> And I can out gay porn subtext you, too!
nicklby> ah, george, jogging. This is why I tuned in
Ironf> And the husky breathing of Clint
Plumm> ah, GK collects young girls to name after himself.
BryanL> Eiger Sanction, live at Red Rocks.
LoveMuffinarees> When did this turn into an episode of Zorro?
BryanL> Nice little Bolshevik climbing training music here.
Ironf> Ahh GK with all the babes. The world works out right every once in a while, doesn't it?
nicklby> I've never seen GK this perky! He could captain the Love Boat
* MrBooze would actually watch the new series if GK was the captain.
BryanL> That's one dirty dingus.
LoveMuffinarees> I think GK got the beta tested model of Chuck Heston's teeth
BryanL> They originally wanted to call this movie "Any G. K. You Can", but it didn't pan out.
nicklby> so ... jogging.
lando5> And rock climbing.
LoveMuffinarees> Where's my fucking rock climbing?
BryanL> Oh, Clint, the Hamburglar called. He wants his tank top back.
LoveMuffinarees> Are they training for something?
nicklby> And ... jogging
Ironf> You're listening to WGKA: All GK, All the time.
BryanL> They're training for Rock Climbing, dear.
LoveMuffinarees> Or are they simply hooked on classics?
MrBooze> You know what this movie needs? Lots of closeups of faces.
KevinL> And a training montage.
THX-1138> If only Clint had Drago's Punch Out equipment.'
LoveMuffinarees> This movie needs Chow Yun Fat
lando5> Yeah...but EVERY movie needs Chow Yun Fat.
BryanL> Boogie Nights needed Chow Yun Fat.
LoveMuffinarees> I wonder if Clint has ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?
KevinL> He's training for the Adjective Olympics.
BryanL> You know what this movie needs? The fat freaky Cajun nutcase from "Netherworld".
Plumm> Steve Laurence IS Ricardo Montalbahn!
nicklby> "Again, Mr. Eastwood, we see there is nothing you can possess that I cannot take away"
LoveMuffinarees> That guy could not be more fey if he was Maria von Trapp.
Ironf> I bet the term 'drag' means more to him that sucking on a cig.
BryanL> Yeah, but the word "drag" means a lot to this movie, too.
nicklby> I am not a manimal
LoveMuffinarees> I think clint is packing some accents under that tank
nicklby> is Clint's jaw wired shut?
MrBooze> Clint's jaw has been wired shut since Reveng of the Creature, Nicklby, where have you been?
LoveMuffinarees> Work that bootay, Clinkt
THX-1138> Little known fact, GK gains 20 pounds for every role.
nicklby> can it be ... it is! ROCK CLIMBING!!!
LoveMuffinarees> Is he climbing Easter Island heads? That doesn't even remotely look like rock.
MrBooze> What the hell is an Eiger?
nicklby> the next rock over, David Lee Roth is making a video
LoveMuffinarees> The Look famed in Roxette song and story
KevinL> This movie is really rappellant.
nicklby> I just hope he knocks Shatner off the mountain on his way down
LoveMuffinarees> Despite his rugged lifestyle, Clint's hands are still as soft as a baby's bottom, thanks to Lubriderm
BryanL> Man, I so can't pay attention to this movie. My eyes just slide right off it.
LoveMuffinarees> That's because it's not ribbed for your pleasure, Bry
BryanL> Meanwhile, GK hauls his sorry ass up after him.
Plumm> George couldn't make it to the head, so he made in the pants.
LoveMuffinarees> So he gets a feeling of accomplishment from mounting a fake playdoh penis?
BryanL> Don't we all, Lovemuffin?
MrBooze> YES! This is why GK is DA MAN!
nicklby> this moment brought to you by Dick
THX-1138> GK, getting drunk at the drop of a hat since 1945
BryanL> A triumph of the human spirit, only considerably less enlightening.
Ironf> The triumph of the human spirit, plus BOOZE, Bry.
MrBooze> Dammit, Clint, just TAKE YOUR VIAGRA!
nicklby> "And this is for those Clyde movie!"
BryanL> He asked her to do him, but she tried to sanction him. Hate when that happens.
nicklby> "And this is for City Heat!"
THX-1138> GK has mystical morphing powers.
Plumm> so, watch out for snakes and crap.
KevinL> You sanction them and take the land. They sanction you and take the land back. Where does it end?
Ironf> He fought the fey and the fey lost.
THX-1138> It's the dog GK saved in Earthquake
BryanL> For those keeping score, I have completely, and utterly, lost track of anything anyone in this movie is doing or why they'd want to do it. Even with the various summaries.
BryanL> Eiger. The mountain with the biggest tits in the world.
LoveMuffinarees> The gaps of Madison County
KevinL> So, how did climbing a giant penis in Arizona prepare him for climbing a giant tit in the Alps?
nicklby> "The Eiger's alive, with the sound of Sanctions!"
LoveMuffinarees> Your concern for the ho bag saboteur is touching.
Ironf> Henry Gibson's extra-wormy brother.
nicklby> go, GK!
Plumm> Clint demanded that he be able to drink throughout this day's shooting.
BryanL> Cuidodo! Esta Lamas!
BryanL> Fernando Lamas, es mas grande, deeeee, los ranas!
nicklby> quien es mas macho? Clint o Jorge?
Ironf> Is he the Spanish Shaft?
Plumm> Movie, shut up.
LoveMuffinarees> I miss fey 70s hair
BryanL> So, the mountain climbing expedition consists of Dirty Harry, Salmoneus, and Andy Gibb. Who'll they eat first?
Ironf> Andy Gibb since they can get high off the meat.
MrBooze> Whatever happened to Salmoneus? Is he still around? Him and Falafel get their own show yet?
BryanL> I say they just dust off and nuke the Eiger from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
LoveMuffinarees> Is there a REASON that he has to have his shirt open to the navel?
LoveMuffinarees> Pam 'Coffee' Grier IS Maria von Trapp
MrBooze> Is there a sanction? Is a sanction a type of turtleneck? Is he wearing it?
LoveMuffinarees> Sanctions have been placed on Clint's thong back underwear. That's the secret
LoveMuffinarees> That is SO not a chyck. Not even a German one.
BryanL> Trying to watch this movie is like trying to juggle mercury.
MrBooze> WHAT IS A FREAKING SANCTION?
Ironf> Does Sanction mean killing someone
BryanL> It's like a murder, Booze, only more genteele.
nicklby> is that a Rubik's tie?
MrBooze> He talks like he's doing a Bing Crosby impression, like Taz's dad.
MrBooze> Do we really have to climb *every* mountain?
Ironf> We do if they are there.
LoveMuffinarees> Don't even THINK about following that rainbow until you climb every mountain, Booze.
BryanL> When Eiger's Dare.
Ironf> I feel like I have climbed a mountain just watching this thing.
fleagle> I feel like I got hit on the head by a rock.
LoveMuffinarees> I feel like a mountain has climbed me just watching this
MrBooze> Somebody better get to some sanctioning pretty damn quick.
Ironf> It's the newest ride from Disney. You climb for days, then fall down for a few miles.
Ironf> George is Gimpy?
MrBooze> HOW THE HELL DID HE GET UP THERE?
MrBooze> Hold tight, Clint! I want to swing from you! Wheeeee!
nicklby> Throw me the idol, I throw you the rope!
MrBooze> This is gonna hurt come winter.
Ironf> um pull the other rope tight first, maybe?
MrBooze> Do you need a translator, Clint? Cut-o The Rope-o!
MrBooze> Woops! We forgot to tie our end! Sorry!
LoveMuffinarees> I like the muppet jumping up and down in the back
MrBooze> Their obsessive use of the verb "sanction" is starting to annoy me almost as much as the techno-pagan lady on Buffy and her use of "glitching"
LoveMuffinarees> So NOW George will do him, right?
Ironf> So they just took a subway up there?
MrBooze> The hell?
nicklby> so ... we're supposed to be surprised, right?
LoveMuffinarees> END!
LoveMuffinarees> NOW!
LoveMuffinarees> IMMEDIATELY!
nicklby> The End?
LoveMuffinarees> Ok, I think I have officially less idea about what happened in this movie than of what happened in Prophecy

SORRY, WHO'S GIMPY?
"I don't like you on my flank cause it scares me."
"You ain't gonna get very far in life listening to a liar like me."
"You're limping, Ben."
"You're limping, Ben."
"You're limping, Ben."

OLESTRA-RIFFIC!
Ironf> Jamie do you still get the little 33 cent trial bags of WOW chips?
MSTPoopie> WOW chips cause loose stools.
MSTPoopie> WOW chips cause abdominal cramps, loose stools, and a vitamin deficiency. Really! There's a warning n the bag.
KevinL> Woohoo! Anal leakage done dirt cheap.
Plumm> see http://www.detnews.com/96/outlook/9612/03/12010007.htm for more on olestra.
Plumm> thank you.
MSTPoopie> Yeah. Olestra causes abdominal cramps, loose stools, and a vitamin deficiency.
Plumm> read the article, poopie.
BryanL> You know, Poopie, you're one to talk about spraying crap everywhere.
MSTPoopie> Read the warning on bags of WOW chips.
Plumm> I heard you follow olestra-purchasers home to collect their poopie.
KevinL> Poopie, you're a scatophiliac, aren't you?
Ironf> you seem to have left out a couple words on your version poophead
Plumm> yes, contained in those government-written/mandated words are the whole truth, and nothing but.
MSTPoopie> It says and I quote, "Olestra may cause loose stools, abdominal cramps, and a vitamin deficiency."
Ironf> "may"
MSTPoopie> "did"
Plumm> so do granola bars.
KevinL> Yeah, we heard you the first time.
BryanL> As in, you "may" provide useful information in this room someday, Poopie, but you haven't yet.
Ironf> I may kick you from the channel. Doesn't mean I absolutly will though, does it then.

LATER THAT SAME DAY...
BryanL> Clint Eastwood IS Batman.
MSTPoopie> No he isn't. Adam West is.
* dungarees shakes fist at heaven because she's missing rock climbing
dungarees> See, that's most of Gilliam's problem right there; Not enough rock climbing.
dungarees> Or hooters.
BryanL> There were plenty of hooters in "Munchausen", but only in the Asian cut.
KevinL> The Asian audiences get all the good versions of the Gilliam movies.
MSTPoopie> THAT'S IT, 'REES! NO MORE JOKES ABOUT TERRY GILLIAM, WHO I LIKE NOT ONLY AS A DIRECTOR, BUT AS AN ANIMATOR AND A MEMBER OF MONTY PYTHON, AND BRYAN AND KEVIN, STOP WITH THE "ASIAN" VUTS OF GILLIAM MOVIES. YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THERE AREN'T ANY!!
* Plumm laughs.
BryanL> You wanna take care of that, Jamie? Thanks.
BryanL> We broke his brain.
KevinL> Oh, please, Poopie. You know about as much about Terry Gilliam movies as you know about Batman. Give it a rest.
MSTPoopie> And Adam West WAS Batman.
KevinL> No, Ron Ely was Batman.
MrBooze> No, Ron Ely was Dr Strange.
MSTPoopie> Adam West played Batman in the TV series and in the movie based on the TV series.
BryanL> Notice how her huge 'fro totally threw off the framing of that last shot there.
KevinL> Adam West never played Batman.
KevinL> It's pretty funny how much you think you know.
MSTPoopie> YES HE DID!!!
Plumm> Adam West was Batman like Chris Farley's corpse is Fred Astaire.
MSTPoopie> ADAM WEST WAS BATMAN IN THE BLOODY TV SERIES!!! APARENTLY YOU ARE EITHER TOO YOUNG OR TOO STUPID TO KNOW ABOUT THE BLOODY TV SERIES!!!
Plumm> I've never seen any bloody Batman series.
KevinL> And yet, having never heard of the Asian version of Brazil, and not knowing that Ron Ely was the original Batman, you show your ignorance.
MSTPoopie> Adam West was Batman in the 60's television series!
dungarees> Who the fuck is Adam West?
MrBooze> Adam West wasn't even born until 1968.
KevinL> What 60's TV series. There was no Batman TV series in the 60's. You must be thinking of the Monkees.
KevinL> What's it like being a delusional freak, Poop?
KevinL> I suppose it would be neat to live inside your own meticulously constructed fantasy world, but I prefer to actually -know- things for real.
*** MSTPoopie was kicked by MrBooze (Go find Rees and bring her back.)
LoveMuffinarees> MSTPoopie has some serious damage, I think.
Plumm> [Plumm] do you know there is a movie on right now?
Plumm> [MSTPoopie] Yes Einer Sanction or something like that. I'm watching it.
Plumm> [Plumm] did you remember when Clint was climbing up the gutter?
Plumm> [MSTPoopie] No.
Plumm> [Plumm] he looked like batman
Plumm> [MSTPoopie] Oh yeah. But when I said "No he isn't. Adam West is Batman." someone said "Adam West was never Batman." Apparently they have never seen the old tv show or the first Batman movie based on the TV how.
Plumm> [Plumm] that's one reading
Plumm> that was a bit earlier.
LoveMuffinarees> Bryan, stop advertising the hot monkey love to outsiders, please.
BryanL> But the promise of Hot Monkey Love was the only way I could get Poopie to show!
BryanL> Boy, that was a sentence that needed context, wasn't it.