NO RHYME NOR REASON TO THESE ANCIENT MARINERS
mgrasso> the captain janeway workout
mgrasso> so, patty duke... wasn't she a drug addict?
Plumm> bigtime
Ironf> Just look at how old she is, then think to yourself how old her dad was in the tv show. And he's still around!
mgrasso> it must be the keith richards phenomenon
Ironf> No, I don't think she was a druggie. She was a manic-depressive that finally got her prozac
Plumm> hot dogs!
mgrasso> child actors! back for more!
Ironf> I'm old!
mgrasso> oh, for fun!
Plumm> with shoil
mgrasso> so, her mom's a drag queen.
Ironf> Bry, welcome to the William Shallit is O-L-D party
Plumm> what? they shove their kilts in each other faces?
Ironf> I guess his Scotishness makes this movie not crrrrrap
mgrasso> i mean, patty duke is 70, right?
Plumm> they've gotten similar plastic surgery over the years, also
mgrasso> well, if she hadn't spent 250 thou on the thermometer thing there.
Plumm> Date of birth (location)
Plumm> 14 December 1946,
Ironf> And now, scenery chewing.
mgrasso> plenty of good wholesome christian mime.
Plumm> that would make her an alleged 52
BryanL> Nice to see Matthew Lillard's still working.
Ironf> Feel my ass! I mean, no wait. Sorry
Ironf> I hope that isn't a rectal thermometer
mgrasso> everyone is irish and new zealandish and !kung as well
BryanL> Luckily, Jake and Elwood are getting the band back together.
BryanL> Fifty years, and she still hasn't learned to keep yelling at people until they recognize her as a unique, separate individual.
Ironf> Did we really need Cindy Williams?
BryanL> This movie's just gotten chock full of schlamozzle.
mgrasso> holy shit, that is her.
Plumm> and a hollowed out shirley feeney is introduced to bouncy stock music
mgrasso> you know, that's more crimson than i would *ever* wear.
Ironf> The coke and acid tabs hollowed her out, didn't it plumm?
Plumm> CORMAN!
Ironf> HAH!
mgrasso> a little nod to the HGers.
mgrasso> they must have known we were MSTing this.
Plumm> We WILL serve crepes suzette in the cafeteria!
mgrasso> yeah. she's 52. sure.
BryanL> Man, if I see Brian Benben and a pair of naked tits next, I'm out of here.
Ironf> Is there going to be old clips weaved in throughout the film?
BryanL> Inevitably. It's now officially an uber-bughunt.
mgrasso> what hair? that's the breast cancer survivor special from supercuts.
Ironf> and after 200 years of this, she doesn't immediatly know it's her twin doing it?
BryanL> When I see my twin sis, I touch myself.
mgrasso> oh, how cute. she's doing duchovny from "dreamland."
Plumm> wow, they look like the marx bros corpses in that scene
BryanL> Let's face it, this is drastically different from our usual crap.
mgrasso> well, we did do the brady bunch one.
BryanL> Yeah, but the Brady one was already 15 years old by the time we got to it, Mike.
Plumm> this is EXXTREEEEME HOMEGAME!
mgrasso> i'm enjoying MSTing the CBS commercials more than the movie.
Ironf> Shallit is like the granddad in the Texas chainsaw movies.
Plumm> i'm a bit of a trainspotter, eh?
mgrasso> see, this dinner table is CBS's core demographic. 15 year old kids and 70 year old men in pink polo shirts.
BryanL> A split screen makes me lose control.
mgrasso> wait, *when* we're really old?
mgrasso> ah, the all-important "plot arc" episode from the original series
mgrasso> without that one, you can't understand any of the other eps.
BryanL> That's Coast to Coast 24 point, by the way.
Plumm> they really shouldn't run with that. only roosevelts breed cousins that close.
BryanL> Ironically, that's the exact same size as the audience this turdburger is pulling down even as we speak.
my-crow-soft> put in lord of the dance
BryanL> He's gonna play Tubthumping or 500 Miles, isn't he.
mgrasso> ah, time for some proclaimers!
Ironf> Hahaha My-crow actually called one.
BryanL> This is just like that scene in Titanic where I clawed my eyes out.
Ironf> I offically make this the worst movie EVER
BryanL> Since when was Shirley the Master to Patty Duke's Seventh Doctor?
mgrasso> oh, married five times. four times to larry king.
BryanL> I think we're deep into subplot 7 by now, in case anyone's counting.
mgrasso> actually guys, that was me. i met patty. she was good in the sack.
mgrasso> she hadn't been with a man in so long, she thought i was 90 years old.
Plumm> i bet if you coke her up, she fucks like a tiger, mg
mgrasso> ah, third degree burns! what a hoot!
mgrasso> ha! publicity stills from the series!
mgrasso> you know, this morning, howard stern asked if they were going to use the same lame split screren as the original series. i think we all should give howard more credit.
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BryanL> Smilly's sense of NO!
mgrasso> i'm going to go prepare the absinthe and 7-up.
Ironf> 'I'll build a bomb and blow her car up' - Irish lad
BryanL> They've hacked into her Palm Desktop. That oughta work.
Plumm> You know, Willow doesn't put up with this white bobby mcferrin crap when she's hacking.
BryanL> He's got Robert Reilly eyes...
mgrasso> what's going on?
mgrasso> did i miss something?
BryanL> It's some kind of deep Patty Duke injoke.
mgrasso> damn. i should read the fanzines more often.
Ironf> They all just filled their depends at once and the smell is killing them all.
mgrasso> CBS *wonders* why their average viewer is in a coma.
Ironf> And to save this show, Sammo Hung breaks in and goes kung-fu crazy on Cindy
BryanL> This is actually the pilot for a wacky new series... Leona and Shirley.
mgrasso> remember when we played "no-no touch" in the basement?
BryanL> For once, I'd actually -like- the NYPD to raid this shindig, a plunger in each hand.
BryanL> Oh, and Shatner called, he wants to know who does your hair, "Rock".
BryanL> "I've got a head for the Great White Way". Does that count as GPS?
mgrasso> if it involves broadway, yeah, certainly.
Ironf> anyone else have two short blackouts with no sound or picture?
mgrasso> nope.
mgrasso> i wish.
BryanL> It hurts to see the Shermometer forced to work in crap like this.
BryanL> Oh, what a lovely, wacky turn this movie has taken. Remember everyone, DOWN the wrist, not across.
mgrasso> oh, just hire gwyneth paltrow. she'll work for nothing.
mgrasso> i think i'll use scrubbing bubbles on my tender bits.
BryanL> Kevin's not here because, well, I think he's smarter than I am.
BryanL> We're ancient. I have to come on strong. I've only got about three months left.
Ironf> I'm a real freak in the sack Hank. You like bondage?
BryanL> I've got a bottle of Viagra and Bob Dole's wooden arm. Let's get busy.
mgrasso> baseball analogy man.
BryanL> They're in a car, there's baseball metaphors... if they start playing Paradise By The Dashboard Light my soul will die forever.
BryanL> Oh, wait. They can't play Paradise. There's only an hour left in the movie.
mgrasso> ah, so she's keeping the door open for hot lezbian action.
BryanL> She's got a bottle of Viagra and Bob Dole's -real- arm...
Ironf> It's a little known fact that Bob Dole had a special vibrator built into his index finger of his bad arm. Itt'ssss truuuueee!
mgrasso> no wonder liddy's always smiling
BryanL> Without a doubt, that was the most pleasant giant chunk of stuff I've ever gotten in my eye. For thirty glorious seconds, I couldn't see the movie.
Ironf> I'm old!
mgrasso> well, i must say, in anyone else's hands, having an age-reversed romeo and juliet would be interesting.
Plumm> damn this movie makes me need to jab a fork in my eye.
BryanL> That's what this movie needs. "backstage shenanigans".
Ironf> how sad is it that I've been following the plot that well?
mgrasso> i weep for you, ironf
Ironf> you do understand there is STILL 40 MINS OF THIS LEFT!!
mgrasso> it's degrading into a beckett play.
BryanL> The sad part is, this wasn't actually in the script for this. It just happened on set and they worked it in.
Ironf> It's experimental theater.
Ironf> a little junk into the viens should help her
BryanL> She gets the Lifetime channel in her skull. Cool.
mgrasso> you know, i thought branagh was *faithful* to shakespeare.
BryanL> Never hire Vigo the Carpathian's dad as your henchman.
mgrasso> so, it's just vignette after vignette, with shirl trying to kill people?
BryanL> I read in USA Weekend that the verbal repartee between Patty and Shirley was the high point of this movie. So, you know... there you go.
Ironf> Ya don't COOK pies!
BryanL> Pie. Once again, CBS aims right for its target demographic.
BryanL> The entire cast of Diagnosis Murder's going to show up any minute now, isn't it.
mgrasso> wow. this movie has broken us.
BryanL> You've wasted the time of over 3,000 CBS viewers, too.
Plum> they still haven't let us in on the secret either, huh?
BryanL> What do you mean, "secret"?
Plum> that was way back at like subplot three.
BryanL> The secret is, they're not really twins. They're not even related.
mgrasso> he'll be cryin' hemself to sleep tonight on his huuuuuuge pilla.
Plum> especially when john astin helped me get work on night court, i loved that
my-crow-soft> the city of new york is run by morons ?
Ironf> And she becomes the Brad Pitt stalker girl
BryanL> Hey, lady, everyone need see Stone Adams.
Ironf> emergency letterbox manuver
Ironf> Patty-fu!
BryanL> A hot dog makes her stalk and kill, apparently.
BryanL> And now, for everyone's favorite party game, Hosing Down The Henchman.
Plum> and they die the end
Plum> you know, this movie seriously props up the theory that CBS is basically a 50-year-old MK-ULTRA program.
BryanL> Still, it's ending with her crushing failure and defeat, so that's something.
BryanL> Um....
BryanL> Um......
my-crow-soft> er ?
Plum> ah
mgrasso> hmm.
Plum> see, everyone but patty knew "the bomb" woulkd be singing.
BryanL> Eh... the thermometer's full. They've got their money. Can it, uh, end, uh, now?
mgrasso> patty lane... is in my ears, and in my eyes.
Ironf> she was wiping the extra coke off her nose.
BryanL> Yes, if it weren't for drama teachers who can't act, and who lash out in attempts to stalk and kill other actors, where would our children be?
mgrasso> well, they have all the rhythm i expected them to.
BryanL> Only on CBS could the phrase "rock this joint" be followed by a violin and a DX-7.
BryanL> Wait... we've done this once already.
BryanL> With the fake Studly.
Plum> ..she stored dead whores in a cave . . .
BryanL> We've had this speech, why is it happening again?
BryanL> It's a Mobius ending.
mgrasso> a guy named rock.
mgrasso> a guy named stone.
mgrasso> is this the flintstones?
mgrasso> liam, you little scottish moppet, you.
mgrasso> come down to city hall and service the mayor, will you?
Plum> you'll be a prison bitch, son!
Plum> and theme song motif
mgrasso> how many times have i taken the lord's name in vain tonight?
BryanL> Ladies and gentlemen, your cast's last known photos.
mgrasso> they just gave up at the end with the video toaster nonsense, didn't they?
Plum> at first i thought they were gonna tell us how each of the characters died when they went to the pictures.
mgrasso> that's the most fun i've had in well over two hours.
BryanL> You know, I think that was the worst experience of my life. And I can't think of three people I'd rather have shared it with.
mgrasso> i wonder what kinda ratings that pulled down.
mgrasso> this movie took 15 points off my IQ, permanently.
BryanL> Fifteen? What did you do, fall asleep in the middle? I may start liking MS Comic Sans after this movie.
Plum> IDENTICAL COUSINS, bry
BryanL> Identical fuck you, Plumm.
"All you know about America is from TV and movies!"
BryanL> Anyone wanna bet she gets covered in food before this movie ends?
my-crow-soft> does she have a twin ?