x51 OFFICIAL DENIAL (12/27/97)

MOVIE
Before the Truth Was Out There, before Dark Skies covered the Earth, there was only... Offical Denial. Parker Stevenson and Erin Grey are a loving Scientologist couple with a thing for late-night anal probes. All is well until A-Team surveillance, led by the Faceman, reveals aliens (aliens!) who chop off Parker's hand, drop him from their Mr.-Hankey-esque spacecraft, and render him impotent to even Erin's seductive feminine wiles.

Meanwhile, at a poorly-rendered CGI government installation, a spacecraft crash-lands. An alien autopsy, hosted by Jonathan Frakes (played by Chad Everett), is interrupted only when it is discovered the alien is alive. The alien, quaintly named DOS, is then given a time-out in a room filled with Legos and Cointreau. Parker is brought to interface with the alien by shaving his head. The two young lovers escape, and it is revealed that sinister Greys (not Erin) enjoy piggyback rides. Sexual tension between Parker, Erin, and DOS worthy of The Real World is uncovered. Infiltration of the government EPCOT Center is faciliated by the ghosts of dead conspiracy theorists. All ends satisfactorily, though, when Face is allowed to kick Parker and Erin bears DOS's love child. Oh, and there's the requisite Native American alien subplot.

UFOs... ARE REAL!
BryanL> Dirk Benedict and Dirk Benedict IN: Face/Off.
KevinL> Tonite on Official Denial, Cartman gets an anal Probe (that one's for Bryan)
shred> The guy on the right is the one in charge of moving the SFC bug to the left side for MST.
mg> lectroid ship
THX-1138> It's the Tinman from TNG
TuxedoMsk> Flight of the Navigator
? SirDude> Cosmic Magot?
BryanL> Remoras In Spaaaace!
KevinL> Aliens from Planet Norelco.
shred> Suddenly, a giant beetle swoops down.
Jamie> What actually happened was Erin got a little kinky, drugged him, and gave him an anal probe of her own.
THX-1138> So when does Lord Kinbote show up?
Jamie> If this is a true SFC Original, the aliens will transport him to a spaceship full of dark corridors any second now.
KevinL> They chose "nasal" probe because it's at least got all the right letters, plus an s.
bowleg> Epcot Center II
BryanL> The government's got big balls.
Djenk1> My goodness, the sapceship just went into space...how shocking!
mg> i need some seeds, and a pair of needlenose pliers to extract the implant in my skull! augh!
Jamie> Take me down to the Paradise Nursery where the aliens poke noses and the girls are pretty!
shred> the military uses plastic picnic furniture?
BryanL> They'll have to do an alien autopsy.
bowleg2> sir! they look pretty cliche, sir!
mg> ah yes. the budget suit men in black
BryanL> Need to outfit your secret government organization? I guarantee it.
bowleg3> So when did you first realize your wife Kirstie was a brainless cult dupe?
shred> And what qualifies him to interact with the alien? His psychosomatic impotency?
mg> this alien brought to you by the letter "m"
bowleg3> His name is DOS?
BryanL> His name is not neither DOS.
bowleg3> what version?
SirDude> You can call me Unix.
mg> they're just hanging out in DOS's dorm room, maybe they'lll break out the bong later... wooohoo
Jamie> The aliens just wanted to know where Erin Grey hid the pot in her greenhouse.
bowleg3> so tell me, Parker.... this sperm extraction.... could you elaborate?
shred> Parker suddenly realizes he hasn't shaved for the whole movie!
BryanL> He shaved. With scissors. His whole f***ing head. In three minutes.
Merlynn> So,before he had too much hair and now he doesn't have any?
mg> oh wow. "on emergency... 911... alien out of body experiences..."
BryanL> I sympathize with the alien. I'm here, Parker's talking, and I'm just drifting off too.
shred> This is like every episode of Sightings. All we need now is a ghost.
BryanL> Parker's got a wickedly ovoid skull. I keep expecting it to open up and spit out a facehugger.
shred> The rest of the movie is going to be a telepathic staring contest.
BryanL> Parker Stevenson IS Michael Stipe IN the Whitley Streiber story.
bowleg4> get out and paint a Frazetta-like thingie on the side of my van!
mg> actually, the alien sounds like KITT
mg> "you must riase my core temperature, michael, or i will die!"
BryanL> He did all this just to make up with Erin Grey? Loser.
Jamie> This whole movie was a set up for Erin Grey on Bloopers & Practical Jokes.
bowleg4> so, it's kind of an ET meets Short Circuit sort of movie, huh?
shred> Why do I think that that friendly shopkeeper has a guy named "The Gimp" chained up in his basement?
mg> more quarry shots than a dr. who episode
bowleg4> actually, I worship a dead science fiction writer.
BryanL> No, we worship a guy nailed to a dead tree. Why do you ask?
mg> the hills are alive, with the sound of cattle mutilations
BryanL> Alien piggyback rides. Now I've seen it all.
cthulhu> It's the ending from The Golden Child?
mg> alien voyeurs, next hard copy!
cthulhu> I bet you DOS is getting a mind full.
Jamie> they faded away before the first intersolar threesome.
BryanL> You know, this rating system is useless. Why weren't we warned that this movie would include implied outdoor sex between Parker S. and Erin G.?
shred> Implied sex between Erin and Parker should be PG-14. Implied sex between Erin and Ricky Schroder should be PG-M.
Jamie> So, alien ghosts?
mg> yup, pretty much
Ironf> Has anyone called stinger, because they floaters could easily be one.
BryanL> This movie's one big floater.
mg> john williams did *not* compose the music. it was his non-union mexican counterpart
BryanL> They hired Erin because, after the facelifts, she looks with a sense of wonder at everything.
bowleg4> meanwhile, at Bucky Fuller's place
THX-1138> I think I saw this on Transformers Beast Wars this morning.
BryanL> Your brain sees me as a series of ones, and... oh, this just bites, is all.
bowleg4> what kind of New Age hoo-ha is this?
THX-1138> Samantha Mulder?
BryanL> It's the Alien Abductee Tournament Bracket.
Ilwrath> His family tree branches crossed at one point.
Jamie> What a fey ass-whooping.
mg> eat my wingtip, soldier!
BryanL> Just kick this movie in the nads so it can't reproduce.
Jamie> Since when does the NSA hire a private arbitration firm?
mg> "the future is unwritten... " much like the last 20% of this script
cthulhu> This is Manos meets Mac and Me.
Jamie> So, this is the result of that tripling we saw earlier?
cthulhu> He's got your hair honey.
bowleg4> Can we call it Xanthupixtricalogamendiz-45653?
BryanL> Great. So Parker Stephenson getting somethin' somethin' will save the earth.
shred> And she grows up to be the next Hitler.
BryanL> Yeah, as in HOPE there isn't a SEQUEL to OFFICIAL FUCKING DENIAL! AAAAAAAH!
mg> look for hope corliss in... "official denial 2: i like kicking alien butt"
Jamie> Im not gonna even bother asking if anyone learned anyhing.
Jamie> because THERE WAS NOT A SINGLE LESSON IN THIS .... PIECE OF CRAP.
mg> well, i leanred that blocks and casio keyboards can keep an alien entertained for... hours
Ironf> I learned bald equals good guys.
KevinL> I learned that the future is bad, and we should do everything in our power to change it.
cthulhu> I learned that alien threesomes can be intiated without external gentials.
Merlynn> I learned that Parrappa the rapper is a tool of evil and has control of Bryan's mind.
bowleg4> I learned... I learned... Uh, OK. Nothing. I can't think of a single damn thing. ARE YOU HAPPY, MOVIE? YOU WON.
Ironf> I learned a truly Sci-Fi original sucks just as bad as the one made byt he outside people.
cthulhu> I learned that advanced alien beings want a second childhood.
Ilwrath> I learned that the home game is more painful than one would think.

DON'T THREATEN ME, PARKER. I'VE WATCHED PRESIDENTS DIE.
"People who need to know.............know."
"Looks like it flies."
"He made it so I can hear his thoughts in my head."
"Don't start talking about that thing as if it's some type of pet..."
"This can't be happening..." "Believe me, it's happening."
"Oh, I forgot how good you feel..."
"It's my tape. It's a free country!"
"We are all inside each other."

There's a special bond between a man and his alien. It starts with the hairstyle, then quickly becomes a telepathic link. Pretty soon, you're wife-swapping. Yep, that's a special bond.