So... d'ya think little Sammy was beaten up much as a child?
THE RAIMI MAFIA MOVIE
OK, so Sam Raimi is the master of campy fun. Every week, he brings us new ways to be postmodernly hip with Hercules and Xena. But there was a time, children, when Sam Raimi was a movie director. In fact, he had two future Oscar nominees in Darkman, and they're still no help. The movie is about a scientist (Liam Neeson) who's blown up by the retarded guy from L.A. Law. A hospital gives him radical superhero therapy, enabling him to wreak havoc on all who cross him. His science project involved making a creamy batch of synthetic skin, and this fortuitous happenstance enables him to rejoin society, if only for 99 minutes at a time. His nice girlfriend (Frances McDormand) just can't love a deformed freak, even if he is Liam Neeson under the makeup. There's predictable revenge, peppered with high-velocity violence and stunts that Raimi ripped off from Hong Kong, just to be safe. This week's Special Guest Star: Bobbin' Buzzard.
YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY
THX-1138> Matt Pinfield's in this?
Q> dr giggles was aaraigned in a los angeles superior court
dungarees> Is it too early to ask what's the name of his other leg?
mgrasso> the autoleg gun.. .when surprise is of the essence
bowleg> Sam Raimi, why? WHY? WHY!?!?
jess> Sam Raimi...the poor man's Roger Corman.
mgrasso> this is like the warehouse scene in hard boiled, except CRAPPY
* dungarees is confused at the caliber of the cast in this
mgrasso> and danny elfman as your cruise director
bowleg> wow, a whole buffet of Raimi.
Q> ah, ivan raimi. the zeppo marx of the raimi clan
mgrasso> "this is our leader's nose"
dungarees> Mr. Potato Head....From the Year 5000!
BillBear> So, what was it about Darkman that made Spielberg see Liam as the choice for Schindler's List?
mgrasso> the riveting nose/coffee scene, bill
mgrasso> coffee: the touchstone of coleman francis and sam raimi
dungarees> Are we sure that Mamet wasn't a dialogue consultant for this?
mgrasso> wow, an asian lab tech, there's an original casting concept
bowleg> They must finally realize that pig and elephant dna just won't splice.
BillBear> Its bald "I've been in every crappy movie since Swamp Thing" guy!
mgrasso> i'm so angry, i hope liam avenged himself on these creeps in the final act! do you think it'll happen? do you?
bowleg> mgrasso, stop fantasizing like that. It'll never happen.
bowleg> bobbin buzzard!
bowleg> caw caw!
BillBear> Drinking birds RULE!
jess> Rube Goldberg goes bad.
dungarees> Bobbin for mutagenic power!
BillBear> Next time you throw away a drinking bird, you better finish the job!
* BillBear loves any movie that features a drinking bird.
bowleg> Maybe his drinking bird will get revenge.
bowleg> Bobbing buzzard could ferociously and repeatedly peck the villain's throat or something
Q> so far, bobbin' buzzard has distinguished himself as the best actor in the film
mgrasso> he's looking pretty dark, man
* bowleg kills mgrasso
Bice> So do they eventually explain how he got "down by the river", or are we to assume the explosion blew him there?
Q> the point of view of a tampon, ladies and gentlemen
mgrasso> whoa. ok, so they've got him on an LSD drip
bowleg> he escaped our whimsical wonder wacky wheel of wonderful wackiness!
jess> Remember when every kid wanted head bandages like Neeson?
THX-1138> Did he take of the bandages to discover John Travolta's face or something?
dungarees> So he has smelting apparatus in his apartment....that's gotta be a chyck magnet
bowleg> Man, that's montage.
mgrasso> bowl: hey man, pass that montage over here, man
bowleg> stop bogarting the montage, mgrasso.
* mgrasso takes a deep hit of montage
shred> Frances looks lovely wearing the Eye of Aggamoto, but where's the cape?
* Q gives thanks to the great god Nepotism for this bit of film
Q> o/~ joxer the movie meat, walks down a darkened street... o/~
BillBear> Wow...Ted's crunchy.
* Q scolds sam for last scene - raimis don't let raimis drink and die
mgrasso> the paparazzi really *are* evil
dungarees> Hey, guy, you were frickin' scary when you were alive, I don't think there's much hope of her not being afraid
mgrasso> your skin feels like velveeta!
bowleg> hey! did you know I'm a disfigured freak now that wears a tin man hat occasionally?
bowleg> Everyone gooooes to the freeaaaak shoooooow, to laaaaugh at the freaks and the geeks. Eveeeeeryone goes to the freeaaaak shoooow, but nobody laughs when they leave.
dungarees> Take a deep breath, prepare for the worst, the ugliest man in the Universe!
Q> oh, thank you for that guy-from-the-pogues-teeth shot, sam - thank you soooo bloody much
THX-1138> And beside the dog faced boy sits a sad looking Spock.
bowleg> special sequence by Ray Dennis Steckler.
dungarees> Take the elephant! I SAID TAKE THE ELEPHANT!
dungarees> I love the jaunty way he sets the nose strip at a diagonal
mgrasso> action sequences... *yawn*
shred> He shops at Harry's Haberdashery for the Deformed Gentleman
dungarees> Fortunately, Darkman is not susceptible to the laws of gravity
BillBear> There's a darkman on the 405 this afternooon...
dungarees> Ok, did Darkman take the time to clone himself, or are we watching this in sort of Pulp Fiction time frame?
Q> bobbin' buzzard! bless your cotton socks for returning to grace us with your presence
Q> i hear bobbin buzzard studied the stanislavski method at juliard, then gave it all up to be in this movie
bowleg> Now that Bobbin' Buzzard is such a huge star, it's fun to see his early film appearances.
dungarees> I beam kill...distant cousin to the railing kill
Q> sylvester's chasing tweety...some big guy's chasing woody woodpecker...
Q> and once again, mr raimi bends the laws of physics to his own evil whim
dungarees> Good thing she had those super-reinforced liquid rotator cuffs put in
Q> drop him and end this movie. spare US
shred> How does he say "pity" without lips?
Q> gratuitous cameo in five.. four...
Merlynn> Here comes Bruce.
shred> Call me...when you do the sequel.
Merlynn> Now he's going to fight the forces of evil in a cabin.
FIVE WRITERS
"Why won't the liquid skin last?"
"Rebel without a clue. Those were the days."
"Dios! Que pasa?"
"Madre de Dios!"
"If you're not gonna kill me, I have other things to do."
"I don't think the world will grieve over one less attorney"
"I can tell you this... she doesn't date freaks."
HERE'S A POSER...
THE ILLUSTRIOUS CAREER OF T. BOBBIN BUZZARD
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| Footage from 1952 Academy Awards |
A romantic lead in the thirties and forties, Mr. Buzzard survived the blacklisting of the '50s, even though he was an ardent Stalinist. In the mid-'60s, he made the shift to television, in the long-running "My Dad, The Buzzard." For several years in the '70s, Buzzard served as George Kennedy's personal pimp.
In the '80s, his career reached its nadir when he partied with Bob Crane the night he was murdered. Several years in and out of rehab centers in Palm Springs found him striking up a mentor relationship with Robert Downey, Jr. With Darkman, however, The Bobbin Buzzard found his niche in Hollywood. Long may he reign!
This mgrasso will melt in 99 minutes.
GOOD, BAD... I'M THE ONE WITH THE HOME GAME