ALFRED E. NEUMANS
Yet another movie is born from reading some comics. This time the comics were the old EC horror comics. Too bad the movie still stinks. This movie is actually serveral small crappy movies: that way you get a different version of crap ever once in a while so you don't get your fill. First is the wrap-around story of a kid who's dad yells and curse because the kid reads comics. Of course the dad can't read at all, but that's beside the point. Now on to the different acts.
Act One: This is the classic story of a father who's day doesn't go that well and he gets killed. He never got his cake for fathers day, so he becomes empowered to rise from the grave and destroy his useless family till he ends up with a human head with candles in it.
Bowleg> Hal Holbrook! Does he get a 3 hour speech?
BillBear> The CryptKeeper's loser brother in law
cthulhu> Ciggaretes, booze, all they need are guns and it can be a BATF meeting.
Bowleg> Tracey Ullman in another nonbrilliant role.
Balthayzr> Great. Someone got Photoshop for christmas.....
nicklby> this movie is dripping camp all over my clean floor
dungarees> Does Ed really need to treat us all the THAT much of his crotch?
BillBear> Does anyone actually get their fathers a cake on father's day?
Bowleg> Ok, i've had my fill of this segment. Let's move on to the next one.
Bowleg> booze, makes any funeral FUNDERFUL!
dungarees> Meanwhile, Ed Harris busts a move
dungarees> Do those chairs have thigh magnets to ensure that we get all these crotch shots?
Balthayzr> "Ooh, wasn't that scary, kids? Count Flloyd was scared....."
Act Two: This stars the warm and fuzzy Steven King as my next door neighbor. A meteor
crashes out side his home and he goes, cracks it open and eats its gooey center. After a bit
of wrestling on tv, he sees that he is starting to grow long, glamorous, grassy hair. Eventually
he turns into a green yeti and blows his head off.
Balthayzr> Mr. Douglas? I found a meteor! Call sam Drucker!
cthulhu> The Colour out of Space 2: Redneck Rampage.
BowlegAndre> I bet he watches this segment 3 or 4 times a week.
cthulhu> You need tough-acting Tinactin!
BowlegAndre> never let it be said that Stephen King isn't a profoundly ugly man.
BillBear> This is why you shouldn't use Super-Gro plant food as a lubricant when masturbating.
Balthayzr> There's a bright green slime-spot on his undies......
dungarees> This is actually a scare tactic film about Wookie STD's
Balthayzr> Watch, some DeadHeads come along and smoke him......
Act Three: Frank Drebbin finally gets Sam and Diane where he wants them.
Anyway, they come back and invade his polyester palace and do the same to him.
THX-1138> He should put on some black face! Now that would be comedy!
Balthayzr> Ted Danson and his Amazing preforming Hairpiece!
Balthayzr> By this time, my lungs were bursting for good plot and acting.
cthulhu> Just like a Danson to bring a shovel to a gun fight.
Balthayzr> Now I know what your thinking: Did he build 6 sandcastles, or only 5?
Balthayzr> Why does everyone in movies dig perfectly square holes?
BowlegAndre> increasingly paranoid, Frank Drebin's paranoia begins to hinder everyday operations.
dungarees> His hair weave really IS natural looking, even in water.
shred> Leslie Nielsen is modeling a lovely item from our Steve Austin collection.
dungarees> Leslie Nielsen in a velour leisure suit: funny or not funny floating?
BillBear> I really *really* don't want to find out if Leslie's body hair is white.
dungarees> His inflatable co-pilot is waiting in the bed.
Balthayzr> See? Again, blue forshadows evil.
Act Four: This is about Hal Holbrook wanting to get rid of Andrian, his wife. A janitor at the
school finds a tazmanian devil in a box and dies. Holbrook tries to get it to eat Adrian. Oh and there are boobs. Enjoy.
BowlegAndre> hamburger sandwich and some french fried potatoes?
BowlegAndre> and there, on the handle, was a plot.
GersonK> "Buff the hallways" if you know what he means
Balthayzr> So, no one has looks thru that grating in a hundred years?
dungarees> Perhaps the exacto knife is not the tool of choice in this instance.
BillBear> WATCH as nails are pulled out of wood!
THX-1138> Amy play. Amy eat.
Balthayzr> I.R. No like it in box! Weasel put I.R. in here!
THX-1138> Those teeth rival Omega Man Hestons in size!
shred> For the love of god, Hal, button your damn shirt.
Balthayzr> Maybe Chuck Norris just screwed up a morph.
dungarees> He must have written that note in 4 pt. font.
Ironf> Many people have suggested that the thing in the crate is some sort of "vampire" but
I say otherwise. Everyone says vampires like to hurt people. Quite the contrary...most
vampires are very loving creatures.
Balthayzr> You can tell he's a teacher. look at all the books he has!
blkrose> wow, I don't seem to be able to find referances to black roses on tnt at this time
Act Five: This has a elderly Larry Fine that has become bug phobic. Eventually he gets eaten by bugs and the enter his body and multiply and explode through his body.
BillBear> Red Skelton, his aging paranoid years
Ironf> Howard Hughes brother, Herbie
Dungadin> I wonder if he has to keep the cotton candy machine fired up at all times to
achieve that look
BillBear> You know, if someone kills themselves over having their company bought out,
maybe they had other issues to work out.
Balthayzr> Nice to see Toho is still doing TNT's dubbing.....
Ironf> Clown made a steady trip into germaphobia madness after finally destroying Spawn.
BowlegAndre> Door to door Little Richard.
Ironf> "People of color" Whattchu talking 'bout cracka!
THX-1138> I bust yo ass wit my pimpin' stick foo'
Ironf> Just so everyone knows, I'm logging everything.
Ironf> You know, I have heard that if you have a bad roach problem, you can burn some incense of cleansing and it drives them right away.
* BowlegAndre begins Burroughs "Exterminator" rant
* BowlegAndre injects bug powder
Ironf> I entirly believe that was a real man.
As the wrap up for the movie, we find that the little boy, played by King's son, has made a
voodoo doll of his dad. Think about that Mr. King.
THX-1138> I learned anthologies aren't good.
Balthayzr> I learned to watch out for the color blue.
BowlegAndre> I learned that security guards have the power to call forth great swarms of roaches.
cthulhu> I learned that bluenoses in the 1950s had nothing to worry about from EC comics, they were too stupid to be infulence kids.
Ironf> I learned that Savani taught me how to laugh at love again.
cthulhu> I learned that Ten Danson's toupee raises the dead.
BillBear> I learned not to play with strange meteors.
cthulhu> I also learned that the dead need to be buried with a box of Ding Dongs from now on.
Balthayzr> I learned I don't want a Chia-Stephen King!
