x43 CONGO (12/14/97)

MOVIE
When in Mexico, don't drink the water. When in India, don't use the bathrooms. When in the Congo, don't piss of the evil gorillas. Congo is a movie primarily about the unrequited love between a man and his big hairy monkey, but that's not all! Yes, this movie is daring enough to solve the engima of why gorillas have such big nostrils by asking the viewer if they've ever seen the size of a gorilla's fingers. Of course before that exciting revelation, the movie tries to resolve plot "B," which is about some doughy guy, played by the doughy Joe Don Baker, who sends in his daughter-in-law to save his son and to GET THE DIAMONDS! On their way to GET THE DIAMONDS, the movie throws the viewer a barrage of pseudo-characters, the two most interesting being Tim "Not A Spice Girl" Curry as Yakov "Elya Baskin" Smirnoff and Ernie "The Black Ghostbuster" Hudson as a Disneyland Jungle Cruise guide. Some other non-important stuff happens before we re-encounter the fat-faced Baker, who asks whoever is still alive and watching "DIDJA GET THE DIAMONDS?!" So, in retrospect, I guess this quasi-film wasn't about a man's unrequited love or any of that other stuff, but rather the importance of diamonds, money, and power.

SOME GENERAL MONKEYING AROUND
Merlynn> A planet where man evolved from apes? Oh,wait.
Jamie> The ostriches stick their head in the sand to avoid the movie
HasNoName> Look closly, and you may see Paul Simon ripping off the natives.
Djenk1> 2 sec. in and we've already had rock climbing...
Jamie> Mike killed the Hubble!
KevinL> Congo:Dark Territory
andre> a prototype for the proton pack.
Djenk1> Danger Death Ray: Jungle Enhanced!
HasNoName> "oooh, Bruce Campbell is good getting killed in anything."
AndrewP> It's Jurassic Park meets Mitchell!
andre> Mitchell!
Merlynn> So Mitchell wants to punch a hole in the moon?
AndrewP> Y'know, this mitchell isn't too greasy... yet...
BryanL> It's the Chocolicious Jungle!
andre> Man, I could go for some devil dogs or some panfried ice cream with bacon gravy...
andre> Apparently mitchell forgot his medication.
Jamie> Labor disputes of Time-Life operators.
Djenk1> I'll be human later!
BryanL> Bruce Campbell is Joe Don's SON?
andre> eww.
andre> the poor man's Jeff Goldblum
Merlynn> A real monkey would eat the paint.
Jamie> Why are we watching a mid80s monkey comedy alla the sudden?\
KevinL> In the future, everyone can talk like Steve Hawking.
BryanL> Great. They hooked a Power Glove up to an Amiga. Big whoop.
andre> I AM DR SBAITSO
Merlynn> "Amy want hot monkey love.
* Jamie is not believing Tim Curry's accent.
BryanL> Amy fly first class. Amy want little vodka bottle.
AndrewP> The're being sent to Africa by Express Mail...
Djenk1> Thank you for flying Congo Airlines...men women and talking gorillas please exit from the rear
BryanL> Ernie Hudson: Michael Dorn's voice in Arsenio Hall's head.
Jamie> Those whacky Africans with all their revolutions, and whatnot
BryanL> Congo? This is barely Busch Gardens.
andre> Remember me! I'm the wormy annoying guy! For more of me, watch "The Fugitive"!
AndrewP> It's a cyanide banana, NOOOOO!
Jamie> This is the most inconvenient fireworks show ever.
Jamie> XTREEEEEEEMMMMMMEE!!!!!!!!!!!
andre> activate the airplane-style inflatable autopilot?
KevinL> He refused to jump without his teddy bear. What a wuss.
andre> i can't look at Ernie Hudson without thinking of his brutal rape scenes in "Penetentiery II"
BryanL> And I can't look at Ernie Hudson without thinking of his brutal rape scenes in "Ghostbusters II". The Director's Cut, of course.
Jamie> Mitchell has DSS now, he never leaves home.
BryanL> Take the leech. I already have an agent.
BryanL> That's the african tribal way to play "Parappa".
Ironf> by this point, my gorilla was aching for air
jess> As a young man, I invited many men to touch my monkey.
jess> Do not bring your Mitchell here.
Merlynn> "I don't like guns"!?! Why do people in these movies always hate guns?
* Jamie is a member of PETA -- People Eating Tasty Animals.
jess> Welcome to Plot Tectonics.
Merlynn> When Guys in Gorilla Suit Attack.
andre> the cover of Dianetics all the sudden
andre> DIDJA GET THE DIAMONDS?
andre> THERE IT WAS!
Jamie> I WANT DIAMONDS AND GRAVY!!!
jess> AND BUTTER! AND MORE GRAVY! DIDJA GET THE GRAVY?
Deuce> This is like the beginning of Operation Condor.
Jamie> The Congo was found alive and of normal colors 18,000 miles away from the soundstage... in Africa!
BryanL> I learned that big budget time compressed action flicks go by much faster than, say, "Guyver II".
Merlynn> I learned monkeys are flammable.
jess> I learned that some people don't get enough dung flung at them.
Deuce> I learned that Bruce Campbell is too good an actor to have even met Joe Don Baker, much less be his son.
Djenk1> I learned that you can love your monkey, but you shouldn't LOVE your monkey
Ironf> I learned that just because you think you can do an accent doesn't mean you should.
Q> i learned that missing the first half of this movie was a good thing, even if it meant missing bruce campbell
Jamie> I learned that Elronco funded this movie and plugged in subliminal Dianetics messages.

CRICHTON'S CONGO CONFABULATIONS
"I'm your great white hunter, but I happen to be black."
"I need those diamonds!"
"It's the future!"
"Stop eating my sesame cake!!!"
"What are you doing in my country, bag of dirt?"
"The myth of the killer ape is true!"
"They're a loveless bunch of rotten stinkers."
"It's your leech, you take it off"
"The hippos, the hippos."
"Where the hell are the bodies."
"Didja get the DIAMOND!"

CRAPPY TRIVIA: Marshall originally intended to use the computer work pioneered on Jurassic Park for the gorillas, but opted for models as the computers weren't capable of reproducing hair. Poor little baby. As if whatever audience saw this movie would even care about such a minor detail.
Joe Don Baker gained 50 pounds by drinking beer and eating eggs and bacon for his doughy guy role even though he didn't have to.

PUNCH YOURSELF IN THE GROIN