x22 CLASH OF THE TITANS (10/21/97)

MOVIE
The epic grandeur, the well-crafted characters, the pure unbridled heroism. All these things can be found in other movies. Oh sure, there's still a part of me who enjoys this film, but after seeing "Clash" for the first time in over a decade, I assure you that part has long since atrophied. Anyway. What we got here are big-headed big-talking big-named actors in bathrobes spouting improbable dialogue, devilish characters that look vaguely like Toblerone, the most annoying robotic bird in film history, Hamlin's icky torso confronting us in every scene, Burgess "Legend" Meredith not doing much of anything, your basic virgin sacrifice, inaccurate demon dogs, more bathrobes, and a Greece already in ruins. Ray's effects almost make it worth the savage dullness.

QUOTES BASED ON ANCIENT MYTHS
Balthasar> Clash of the Titans - Written with a copy of Bullfinch's Mythology, an Exacto Knife, and some glue.....
bowlehg> water, the source of all inept costume dramas with redeeming harryhausen effects
Q> my psyche is being sucked steadily into hamlin's chinbutt, guys - someone help me
bowlehg> Mount Olympus really needs to consider installing chairs
Balthasar> Passed over again for the Godzilla part, the Kraken goes on a drunken rampage..
THX-1138> The blood of Uranus must run free!
bowlehg> Ah, the franklin mint roman gods chess set crafted from pure dung
BryanL> Now, see, this is what I mean by the decreasing articulation trend in the toy industry.
Q> it's reassuring to know that ancient greece had it's uncle jesse too
nicklby> Methinks Harry is enjoying this ride like little girls like to ride those mechanical horses in front of the supermarket
bowlehg> Wow, this movie just smacks you over the head with a 2x4 labeled "Epic" doesn't it?
BryanL> Get used to that chunky Hamlin chest, folks.
nicklby> wow, you could map the crevasses in that sunken chest
Balthasar> Meanwhile, Zeus' 2000 other bastard children run about ignored.
Q> ever notice how most heroes in these ancient stories always have some god or genie or something doing everything for them, and without said genie or god, they'd be NOTHING???
THX-1138> The gods really set a good example with the incest and everything. They were the first red-necks really.
BryanL> Zeus cursed Kalibos to a fate worse than death... sculpted by Trendmasters.
Jamie> It's nice to see the stars of those Mexican wrestling movies still get work.
nicklby> the sword must make him repeat the last line of dialogue he hears
Balthasar> You think a goddess could do something about the eye bags.
Q> i'm your dad. sorry about leaving you and your mother to the wrath of the king and all that stuff
Balthasar> "Swords? In my day, we defeated enemies with trick umbrellas, and we liked it!"
BryanL> Ah, let's just bask in Hamlin's rich British accent for a while.
bowlehg> I hope the hero doesn't have to enlist Ator to find the geometric nucleus or whatever it is.
Balthasar> So, we're to assume the Greeks designed and built weed-choked ruins?
Q> i watched this movie before i was old enough to be horrified by harry hamlin's beefy chest and bad acting; what can i say?
nicklby> every line in this movie is exposition. amazing anybody ever does anything at all in this flick
Balthasar> So, the gods have nothing better to do than screw with 3 mortals? No wars or famines or such?
bowlehg> You always were a good judge of stop-motion, calibos/kalibos/etc
Q> yeah, burgess, standing around watching everyone else do the work sure works up a thirst
Balthasar> The Kraken isn't a Titan. Medusa isn't a Titan. Does the title refer to a clash of egos, perhaps?
Jamie> Is our hero allergic to Play-Doh or something?
THX-1138> Hail Emperor Labia Majora!
nicklby> there's more exposition per minute in this movie than nudity in a Shannon Tweed movie
Balthasar> If yer gonna wonder that, why couldn't the gods just undo all the stuff that pisses them off instead of all this "quest" crap.

MST HG  M O N S T E R !

FIRESTARTER

"Bubo"

Kingdom:Anthropomorphic Sidekick

Genus: Robot Owl

Species: Artus Detus . . . We Wishicus

Special Powers: Flapping around, booping, offering fake sympathy, grabbing bagged heads from the ocean.

Weakness: I knew R2-D2. I worked with R2-D2. And sir, Bubo is no R2-D2. He'll have to carry -that- secret shame for the rest of his stop-motion animated life. Oh, and Bubo? Thanks to computers, you're obsolete.

Notes: Still, it could have been worse. Since this wasn't a Disney flick, Bubo wasn't voiced by some out of work 80's stand-up comedian with a "funny" voice.

Q> ah, the one token feminist moment to make up for all the sexism in the rest of the movie
bowlehg> Check it out, clint howard as greek day player #3
Jamie> I'm the Cryptkeeper. You should get a STYX out of this cruise! Hahahahahahaaha!
bowlehg> So, uhhh.... Medusa lives in hades and is guarded by a 2-headed Cerebus? The hell?
Balthasar> Budget Cuts Hit greece- Head Count Down in Realm of Dead
Q> why is there an aztec paiting behind him? does he live in the swamps of mexico?
Balthasar> Part of his curse was to occasionaly turn into a foot-tall stop-animation figure....
THX-1138> And the owl flies down Kraken's throat, self destructs, end of movie.
Jamie> Oh, look who wandered over from the realm of King Friday.
bowlehg> Maybe Calibos would've turned out better if he just left the bronx.
Balthasar> "Mild Disagreement of the Non-Titans"
nicklby> so we have about five minutes of threatening and reaction shots so far, right?
bowlehg> I will keep and honor the memory of your pubic afro alive for as long as I live.
Balthasar> How nice for the water 2 feet off the coast to be shallow enough for the Kraken.
THX-1138> Oh, Mr. Perseus has to make his grand old entrance, does he?
Jamie> "He will be a couple of vague dots in the sky that look more like a tuning fork than anything else!"
bowlehg> See, back then.... people didn't think there was anything wrong with sacrificing virgins to montrous abominations.
THX-1138> You just turned all the fish into stone! Smooth move Perseus!
nicklby> The Scorpions were in this movie? They rock!
THX-1138> Medusa was such a dedicated actress, she gave up her life.
bowlehg> So. Moral? Lesson?
nicklby> we are playthings of the gods, surrender free will
Balthasar> Uh, good planning will never outdo dumb luck?
THX-1138> It's okay to make fun and take advantage of the old and deformed.
bowlehg> never wear pants, for they sap your strength
Balthasar> Win if you can, lose if you must, but always CHEAT!

DIALOGUE SNIPPETS OF THE GODS
"And everyone goes around muttering 'call no man happy who is not dead!'"
"Beat him at his own game... I simply turned myself into a shark!"
"The young... why won't they listen. Huh. When will they ever learn?"
"He was handsome and fascinating! I was very young."
"Brass and iron are no substitute for feathers..."
"This will make a fine heroic poem...."