x36 CHARLIE CHAN IN HONOLULU (11/29/97)

MOVIE
Ah, another film in which a caucasian throws on some makeup and pretends to be chinese. In this not-racist-in-the-least pulpy chunk of film, an evil-but-not-really doctor walks around wearing a cab driver hat, a loathsome faux-stooge vaudevillian inserts unwanted comic relief, Chan dispenses sound financial advice, all while things insist on remaining black and white. Sidney Toler's masterful acting makes me want to cut him into wafer-thin slices of tubby fake-asian cold cuts. If you enjoy Charlie Chan films, you'll be delighted to find that several thousand more unfortunatly exist.

FUNNY WITH THE HA HA AND THE JOKE
bowleg> Say Pop, I was thinking... why aren't you Chinese?
Jamie> They stole Susan B. Jennings' Dollar!
Q> to think this guy grew up to be the guy who breed the mogwais
Merlynn> Who's accent is more fake,the real asian's or the fake asian's?
bowleg> Events of the day have killed all my facial expressions
THX-1138> Oh I see...the little chinese kid is sneaky. Haw haw. Really funny.
bowleg> So, couple of minutes in... and... does anyone NOT hate the guy playing Chan?
Q> uh, this was supposed to be *incidental music*. incidental being the key word
Jamie> Ernest Borgnine IS Curly Howard!
THX-1138> So, when does this kid turn into the Yellow Power Ranger?
bowleg> Man, I miss the days of pencil-thin moustaches
My theory states that goofy big beret-ish hats are sexy are alluring!
THX-1138> I see nothing wrong with keeping wild animals locked up in small cramp cages.
Q> i-i-i-i-f they d-d-d-d-don't sttop-p-p-p stutt-tt-ttering c-c-comed-d-d-ically, i-i-i-i'm gonna r-r-r-r-rip their d-d-dd--damn th-th-throats out
bowleg> Man this is so cool, cause like, everyone's a suspect, like, wow!
Q> pop! i'm sure glad you came - otherwise i wouldn't have been born
Jamie> The Cardigan guy is an Asian playing a white guy. Little-known fact.
bowleg> James Joyce is the murderer!
Merlynn> The only difference between Chan and that other guy is a hat and a pair of glasses.
Jamie> Benny Hinns of the ollld west.
THX-1138> Opinion like tea in hot water. Both need time to brew. Your lucky numbers are 1, 4, 15, and 37.
Q> his outfit's kinda like a negative of charlie chaplin, isn't it?
bowleg> boy, I can't get enough of that Chan fakey-asian voice
Jamie> Fake snore.. fake snore... fake snore..
THX-1138> Say Mr Chan. I'm in the market for some pirated software. You think you can help?
Q> the poor woman had to make a dress out of a tablecloth - she must be a fugitive
bowleg> You know, I believe Larry Fine once said something to the effect of "Hey! What is this is, some kinda kid's game? Everybody's wearing short pants!" How this relates, I'm not sure as of yet.
* Jamie cuts of Merlynn's spanking hand, grinds it into fresh meat, and feeds his fingertips to the wolverines.
* Merlynn gets fake hand with attachments.
Q> when the mystery's so simple chan's little kenny-child can solve it, you know the movie needs help
Jamie> Take nothing pictures, leave nothing but inscrutable movie.
bowleg> Hey! It was obviously Colonel Mustard in the kitchen with the candlestick!

MOVIE-TYPE TALK
"I've been studying up a lot on crime... and look Pop, I've even had cards printed!"
"That's in case I don't get enough murders!"
"I'll give you a couple of my old bladders..."
"Aw gee pop. Don't be like that."
"I can't get him now, my ship is on fire!"
"Please, excercise self-control..."