x57 THE BEAST WITHIN (01/03/98)

MOVIE
Hoo boy, another late-night Joe-Bob special. In this one, we have the backstory of a guy, possibly just a mutant, but never really made clear, that had communication with insects and was able to turn into a giant grasshopper type insect. Well he killed a few people and ended up raping a young lady. Townfolk offed him and she, for movie purposes only, brought the child full term. The child was born looking all regular like, so she kept it. He lived a normal life until he reached his late teens, around 16, and the 'ole hormones kicked in. He started getting Bruce Banner eyes and would fly off into a rage in which he had no control. Ends up he has been killing members of the family that killed his father. Well his current girlfriend's family took part in the killing, so he is afraid he will come after her next. Turns out he is sort of a mantis Freddy Kruger. Well in the end, he goes full blown mantis, rapes his girlfriend, and gets killed all to restart the movie. Yeah thanks Joe-Bob. No really, we liked it.

HOW TO PROPERLY CARE FOR A MANTIS
cthulhu> Zorak'S porno career is revealed.
PDeveau> I doubt there are any SPECIAL effects in this movie.
ServoT> Woods, the all purpose thriller
Djenk1> Bad honkey tonk always sets the mood for me
bowleg> I wish they had lighting in this smovie.
ServoT> Driving, it's MITCHELL
Balthayzr> Chuck Norris turned into a bear and molested my wife!!!
Djenk1> I love my dead insect molested wife!
Balthayzr> Don't go down there! It's a monkey with 5 asses!!!
ServoT> Next time on General Hospital, will Mark have Cynthia's pseudo-child?
PDeveau> Mother...I'm in a crappy movie, help me!
Balthayzr> Oral Sodomy? I have all their albums!!
ServoT> This is where he tells her the story about THE HOOK!
cthulhu> Meanwhile at the Orkin Testing Labs.
Djenk1> This is vaguley reminescent of a real film...
bowleg2> sheriff's wig courtesy the Warhol Museum
BR>ACTION: PDeveau wished they played Cotton Eyed Joe.
Balthayzr> So, is this I Was A Tennage Cricket
Djenk1> *shudder* I'm getting Peacock Family flashbacks...
cthulhu> Faster grasshopper, Kill!! Kill!
THX-1138> American Werewolf in Hicktown
Balthayzr> Nice pre-stained walls. Stains must be some kind of prerequisite here....
Djenk1> Paw don't like me to have boyfreinds...he wants me all to hims...I mean...
cthulhu> Kid, if you knew anything about Insect mating habits you'd know that first they mate then they kill!
bowleg3> do you mind if I molest you and impregnate you with a hideous insect thingie?
Balthayzr> Jump Cut! What a suprise.
cthulhu> He's come back to the hive to find his roots.
Ironf> Acid kicked in
cthulhu> Hot Cockraoch sex!
Djenk1> now how is that she was running forward and fell on her back?
cthulhu> Why do all nice southern girls have such rednecks for fathers?
Balthayzr> No chawin' Terbacco fer you tonight!!!
Djenk1> And anything else we can get your insurance company to pay for
Balthayzr> Movie Rule #432- All rednecks must wear Baseball caps.
ServoT> Next time on General Hospital, will Mark have Cynthia's pseudo-child?
bowleg> Thank you Doctor Mario.
Balthayzr> So, is Daddy Zorak paying child support or what?
Elroy-L> you know, joe-bob is rather scary....unlike this movie....
PDeveau> Fog...another crappy plot driver.
Ironf> Whoa, I'm winded from that 15 degree incline
Balthayzr> And they stumble on Ernest T's still......
bowleg3> nice panama hat, Mr Guy Caballero
cthulhu> He is THIS close to being Charlton Heston.
SirDude>
drunks voice> You're trying to get me drunk then seduce me arn't you?
THX-1138> Now this is just stupid.
PDeveau> The Beast Within: Rated R in theaters, TV G on TNT.
BR>ACTION: Ironf sadly has people like this in his town
bowleg3> Col. Sander's brother Lenny.
Balthayzr> You have to close the beaches!!!
THX-1138EB> When does Swamp Thing show up?
Balthayzr> Now watch, someone grabs him and makes him squeal like a pig!
THX-1138> I gotta go work on my cotton gin.
Balthayzr> How come nekid women never face the camera?
Ironf> No one will be seated during the latex cutting scene.
cthulhu> Yup, O'Hare has 3 acting styles: Wooden, Dry, and Dull.
ServoT> Stinger: Pasty guy fondles corpse
PDeveau> Worst case of genetal warts I have ever seen!
cthulhu> Oxy 10 cures pimples.
Balthayzr> I still like this better than Joe's Apartment.
bowleg3> the katydid is coming from inside the house!
Balthayzr> Insect Boy will install your new windows, free!!
PDeveau> So we just came full circle...crap the movie's staring over again!
Balthayzr> I learned that Cicada Boys have tough puberties.
cthulhu> I learned that the insect world is in desperate need of family planning.
BR>ACTION: Jamie learned that he really doesn't give a rat's ass that he missed these HGs.
ServoT> I learned that much like toast, you should spread the good stuff evenly over the whole surface not put it all at the end
cthulhu> I learned redneckss should hit their daughters if they are too attractive.
PDeveau> I leaned that the south is a cruel place to film a horror movie.
Ironf> I learned bugs and people should procreate together

AND NOW, A MESSAGE FROM ZORAK
"I don't want my son sustained..."
"What kind of medicine are you practing here, doctor?"
"Right now, sleep's the best medicine"
"Aint never had nobody tell me that before..."
"What's that? Down there?"
"You stay away from my little girl!"
"you have a kind face..."
"There's a murderer running loose, I didn't want to leave her alone..."
"You look like the hind end of a coon dog leaving the swamp"
"Where we use to come when we were kids!"
"It was said, even the bugs would answer him..."
"Your gutless hide is safe!"

CRAPPY TRIVIA: When marketed, the foloowing was the tag line for the movie: "We dare you to watch the last 30 minutes of this film without screaming, covering your eyes, or running from your seat."