YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE IT'S BEEN 
Bice> In honor of the 5th anniversary of Frank Zappa's passing: I am Bwana Dik! Me Bwana Dik!BEMaven> people who live behind glass credits...
Bice> These credits are looking pretty 3-D, even without the glasses.
Ironf> GAH watch the spear!
BEMaven> ...i think we're listening to peter gabriel in therapy.
Ironf> The first filmed urban legend.
Bice> A Tiger? In Africa?!?!
Ironf> Did I ever tell you of the time I killed 3 elephants with a trumpet?
Bice> Wow, that teapot looks like it's floating in front of the TV screen! But then, I just ingested some funny mushrooms...
BEMaven> do they really want to use a train from a petting zoo?
Bice> I'm SCOTTISH, you know.
Ironf> So, shot this in one take, didn't they?
Ironf> Meet my mother, Tereasa.
* Bice was just about to say "Hey, that guy looks like Robert Stack..."
BEMaven> who, Bice? the one in the shawl?
BEMaven> he speaks effluent Swahili.
Bice> Stock footage...IN 3-D?Ironf> Get back here, we have a bit of a mystery that's unsolved.
Bice> They weren't taking any chances with Stack's name..."Think he can remember 'Robert'?"
Ironf> DAMN YOU CAPONE! I'LL GET YOU!
BEMaven> 3D technology just to see Stack shit-faced?
Bice> o/~ Down by the riiiiver, I shot my baaaaaabeeee o/~
Ironf> it's entirely worth it.
BEMaven> what they need is a water tower with 3 country girls bathing in it.
* Bice has "City Limits" flashbacks.
Plumm> Robert Stack has a rich history of conspiracy entertainment.
BEMaven> actually, bice, i flashed back to Petticoat Junction.
Bice> I've never seen PJ, so I associate bathing in a water tower with CL.
BEMaven> "their contract didn't include a man-eating lion"? well, go out and buy one.
Ironf> I think I'm pretty safe in betting that all that was a made up language.
Bice> That guy's sideburns and moustasch look like an example of the theory of continental drift.
Ironf> When someone yells "HURRY UP" at me, I usually slowly walk to them too.
Bice> Monkey humpin' a branch. I needed to see that.BEMaven> the first 3D home movie, it seems.
Bice> I see they didn't have much money to blow on the soundtrack.
Ironf> I think they wasted their money on 'blow'.
Bice> Heathen mush? They make mush out of heathens?
Bice> kitty!
Ironf> Clarence NOOOOOOO.
Bice> What the hell just happened? The lion fired a bullet out its mouth?
BEMaven> 'help me bury him. we'll check for a pulse later.'
Ironf> I see Goofus still hasn't learnt to carry his rifle correctly.
BEMaven> oh, good. they brought in the Scots Shriner Guard.
Bice> Is someone torturing a monkey off screen?
Ironf> I would have to answer: possibly.
Bice> Fakey - I can see the string.
Bice> The gripping "staring at a goat" scene.
BEMaven> professor plum did it in the treehouse with a string.
Ironf> feheheh, the lion anally raped him.Bice> Ian Anderson is invited to play at the funeral.
BEMaven> a scurvy lion? those poor bastards must have had lemons in their turbans.
Ironf> Old men sleeping....IN 3D!!!!!
Bice> That guys 'stash was only done like that so it would look dramatic in 3D.
BEMaven> that pole is practically leaping in my face.
Bice> I hate having a pole leap in my face...but I've said too much.
Bice> This soundtrack was done by three guys with violins and one cellist in the studio bathroom.
BEMaven> robert pauses, hestitant to disturb the rear screen projector in its habitat.
Plumm> have i missed anything?
Ironf> you missed a lion anally raping a guy.
Plumm> Is that from the J. Jonah Falcon fan club library, Ironf?
BEMaven> the scurvy lion rolls a native for orange juice.
Bice> You'd think these natives would be able to deal with a lion better...since they lived there their whole friggin' lives!
BEMaven> they're temps, Bice.
Bice> Ah. So they're returning to their jobs in the cheese factory, then.
BEMaven> "They could do with a few clean blankets."Bice> He's offering to graciously throw in a washcloth.
Djenk> These must be short range spears....
Ironf> THE CIRCLE OF LIFE!
Bice> That one hunter seems to have Parkinsons.
BEMaven> unfortunately, they only hunt stuffed lions.
Ironf> Why are they holding long swords with a stick taped to the end?
Bice> The lion threw a stuffed animal at them and escaped.
Djenk> That wasn't a very effective strategy....
BEMaven> ...and the death toll mounts from Hot Potato.
Djenk> But running away is!
Plumm> Elliot Ness in King Solomon's Mines.
Djenk> How dare you mourn!!!
Ironf> little late to try to get luck from knocking on wood there, Stack.
Djenk> And Thomas continues on his run, unaware of the dangers that lie ahead.
BEMaven> right about now, we could use another shot of those 3 guys hiding in the reeds.
Bice> Mrs Bice: What is this, playschool's "My First Train"?Ironf> Good King Friday is gonna be pissed that there are all those stowaways.
Djenk> Ladies and Gentlemen , "The Love Interest".....
BEMaven> good news! Chuck Heston is coming with his pet ants.
Bice> The train got stuck on the way and we had to wedge it out with her chin...
Djenk> Amazing....I knew the sitar was versatile, but I had no idea it sounded like a bad calliope.
Bice> When do the ewoks join the party?
BEMaven> theory: all the weird noises are coming from those stiff asses.
Bice> Real Africa...fake Africa.
Djenk> Bice: More like... fake Africa....other fake africa.
BEMaven> guy in the center has a touch of malaria. that's why he hugs himself.
Plumm> Until after... the BWANA HOLOCAUST!
Bice> GAMERA vs BWANA.
BEMaven> "I'm absolutely saturated with food."
Ironf> Tell me old fellow, did I ever tell you of the time I got out of a tiger pit using my shoelaces?
BEMaven> uh, huh. uh, huh. he's drunk again.Bice> That must have been funnier in 3D.
Ironf> again? He's been drunk the whole time.
Ironf> They will probably want to get some lovin'.
BEMaven> not as funny as the lion making off with the stuffed dummy native.
Ironf> Are there tigers?
Ironf> Are there bears?
Plumm> Oh my!
Ironf> Oh my (/Sulu).
* THX-1138 has joined.
Bice> Only love pads the film.
Djenk> ewww, eyeball sucking...
THX-1138> She's making love to the camera.
Djenk> and the camera spurned her advances.
THX-1138> Ahhhh! The lion carpet is attacking me.
Bice> Wow, there's TWO killer stuffed animals.
BEMaven> say goodbye to Sir Larry, Sir Moe, and Sir Curly.
Ironf> Rub my tummy, DAMN YOU!Bice> Oh, the carnage. There's blood and cotton stuffing everywhere!
THX-1138> No 3-D sex! What a rip off.
BEMaven> will you stop annoying Robert with your constant reports of dead friends?
Ironf> For the ending, they will have a little banner over one corner saying "UPDATE"
Djenk> Let this be a lesson: When you make love, your friends die....
Ironf> 'If you know the where abouts of this lion, please call 1-800-news-2us. And please do NOT try to apprehend him yourself.'
Bice> Ouch, lady, you can't tie it in a bow!
* THX-1138 eagerly anticipates monkey's throwing their feces in 3-D.
THX-1138> What? Something about a coke bottle?
Ironf> It's times like these I bet they wish they knew where Dan Haggerty was.
THX-1138> I hear they're gonna remake this with Tiny Lister.
Djenk> Translation: "You Die, Honkey"
THX-1138> "Panda wanna willy"?
BEMaven> was one of them wearing Mike Nesmith's cap?
Djenk> Bwana Stack is demonstrating as much competence at babysitting as he does at lion killing.
Bice> The dingos...ah, fergit.
BEMaven> the Easter Egg Hunt gets off track.
Ironf> My games of hide and seek never involved rifles.
Plumm> The dingos ate my film stock!* Balthayzr has joined.
Balthayzr> of course, my cable chooses tonight to go bye-bye......
* Balthayzr sobs over missed "Bwana Devil" opportunity.
Ironf> you should have went with the MSTape crowd then Balth.
* Balthayzr spears ironf right there in the parking lot.
Djenk> Stalking the wild stock footage.
Bice> Earthquake...oh wait, that's just the stock footage shaking.
THX-1138> Is he gonna ride the ostrich like in Leo Pt. 6?
THX-1138> He's gonna shoot a hole in the blue screen.
BEMaven> should they be sitting so close to the theater screen?
Ironf> Stack's got crazy eyes now.
BEMaven> he's having visions of Robert Hays flying at him with a DC-9.
Djenk> Those bolt-action Carcano's are a bitch.
Bice> This is the least thrilling lion attack ever filmed.
* Djenk roots for the lion.
Ironf> Look, there's a second gunman on the grassy knoll.THX-1138> The lion caught the bullet between his teeth!
Bice> Mrs Bice: (little kid voice) Mommy, he killed the Lion King!
Balthayzr> Dr. Tongue's 3-D House of Lion King.
Bice> It's a shame they couldn't afford a soundtrack *or* a plot.
MORE HEATHEN MUSH
