x33 THE BRADY GIRLS GET MARRIED (11/28/97)

MOVIE
This ill-conceived telefilm was actually the first Brady reunion with the active particpation of "auteur" Sherwood Schwartz. We leave it to you, the viewer, to determine how it stands up to "The Brady Bunch Power Hour." It opens with Jan "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!" Brady accepting an engagement ring from one Phillip Covington III, heir to the Covington Sphincter Diamond fortune. Meanwhile, Marcia attracts Kotter-flavored stalker Wally Logan, who immediately pops the question in a high school cafeteria. This being the Bradys, they decide to all get married at once. Conflicts ensue, as the Covingtons want an old-fashioned wedding complete with virgin sacrifice, while the Logans want a more modern wedding with NEA-granted performance artists bleeding on the guests. They somehow get this all worked out, and the whole family returns for the wedding. Peter, the first gay parking attendant in the Air Force, and Bobby, busy smoking out the whole campus, barely make it in time. Afterward, Carol encourages her daughters to experiment with a sisterly open marriage and both couples move in together. Wally converts the new family to a nudist lifestyle and the movie closes as Philip manufactures crank out of the living room for his new brother-in-law, Bobby. It's all quite touching.

THE ONE DAY WHEN THE BRADYS MET THE HOMEGAME

Jamie> Jan Brady, the new schoolmarm in town!
bowleg5> I still get bled when sick, that's how old-fashioned.
BryanL> Still, at least Dad doesn't have the mutant caterpiller on his lip in the flashbacks.
bowleg5> Philip's a eunuch, Dad. Isn't that neat!
* BryanL is wondering why his brother isn't back yet...
Jamie> Maybe the rest of the Lambert Bunch got lost in the Grand Canyon.
bowleg5> This guy is sort of an Elliot Gould/Super Mario crossbreed
BryanL> Ah, the early 80's. Long before the concept of "Stalker" came into common usage.
bowleg5> I just know that guy is sporting a comedy moustache-and-eyebrows-set.
BryanL> They're not actually kid's toys... they're more... sexual novelties.
Jamie> Kind of like Marcia, Bryan.
KevinL> Why does every guy in this movie look like Gabe Kaplan?
bowleg5> I bet he can store useful objects in his hair.
KevinL> They're clotheslining joggers together. How romantic.
bowleg5> Brady Theme Narco-lethargic Remix.
BryanL> Well. That didn't take long. Marcia's kind of easy, isn't she?
KevinL> Marcia's what's known in Brady-ese as a "stank ho."
bowleg5> Hey, she's a sucker for a big fake moustache.
BryanL> Dad, there was a romantic montage and everything!
bowleg5> Evidently she needs someone that is a virtual clone of her father.
BryanL> Oh, yeah, just tongue in front of your parents.
Jamie> Marcia & Jan & Ted & Alice.
BryanL> Ah, Peter Brady, sponsor of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" legislation.
BryanL> So, after this, we're gonna homegame "The Brady Girls Try Wife-Swapping" on Spice, right?
BryanL> This is kind of like the Wonder Bread version of "Joy Luck Club", isn't it?
bowleg> And LSD-spiked Kool Aid for EVERYONE!
KevinL> Does anybody else foresee zany miscommunication and wacky shenanigans?
BryanL> Does anybody else forsee great pain for the six brave souls in this room?
KevinL> Hey, there's six of us. Just like the Brady kids.
KevinL> Here's the story...of a group of masochists...who like watching crappy movies on TV.
BryanL> Speaking of Anusol, the movie's back on.
cthulhu> In the directors cut there was a touching love scene between Ms. Brady and Alice.
BryanL> Alice is the character the audience is supposed to identify with. I can't stop crying either.
bowleg> "Pointers from Alice," eh? Cue wachikawa music.
cthulhu> IT'S ALWAYS MARCIA [stab] MARCIA [stab] MARCIA [stab, stab, stab]!!!!!!!
* Jamie bets Wally's hep and swinging ways will conflict with Phillip's straightlacedness.
Ironf> I hope he doesn't lean in too close to those lighted candles or we will have a firey fro.
bowleg> Pencil Neck Anal-retentive goof, meet drug-addled Hoffman-clone unlikeable loser.
cthulhu> Hey Marcia darling, after dinner let's blow up the Army Math Center.
BryanL> Here's a story... of binding arbitration...
bowleg> "We want dancing midgets in our wedding!"
Jamie> "We see the wedding as a series of ones and zeros."
cthulhu> How about a double honeymoon?
Jamie> I usually cry at Brady reunion projects.
KevinL> Brady Day is officially the day after Thanksgiving. Kind of like Boxing Day in England.
bowleg> Bobby, quick... put a towel under the door!
BryanL> Well, at least there's ONE big organ in this whole wedding.
KevinL> And for the traditional they have a rack, an iron maiden, and another torture-thingy.
cthulhu> Don Brady can't refuse a request on the day of his daughters' wedding.
Jamie> It was kind of weird that Cindy jumped out of the cake at Phillip and Wally's joint bachelor party.
KevinL> Well, Bobby's late because he's out scoring a dime-bag...
cthulhu> Bobby commits a high fashion crime!
KevinL> Bobby brought some brownies. Special brownies.
Jamie> Modern traditional brownies.
BryanL1> So. Crying and the wrong shoes and running. That's the entire movie.
cthulhu> The Gods show their disconnent with this unholy union!
BryanL1> The brides didn't get very wet. The crude person in me would label that a "premonition".
BryanL1> That's why Cindy's not getting married. Robert Reed had that third arm removed in the 50's.
bowleg> Ah! Where's the moustache!
Ironf> It has since joined to a Russian man.
Jamie> Wouldn't that be wacky if they accidentally married the wrong sisters?
Jamie> You may now tongue the Brady.
bowleg> "A whiter world of hope and joy"?
KevinL> So when is "Brady Bitches in Heat" gonna be on?
Jamie> Wait till you see the one big bedroom for four!
BryanL1> It's the Odd Couples?
Jamie> No, just "The Odd."
KevinL> The least you could do, Phillip, is pull your pants up a little higher.
bowleg> The Young Super Mario Brothers Chronicles.
KevinL> Hey, a Mexican Gabe Kaplan!
KevinL> And I don't wanna hear you crazy kids working on a Phillip Covington IV!
* Jamie wonders which Brady sister will bear Phillip IV.
BryanL1> And the furniture collapses on top of them and they die. The end.
KevinL> Ick ick ick ick ick.
KevinL> Ick ick ick ick ick.
BryanL1> He's mooning the fish.
KevinL> Ick ick ick ick ick.
KevinL> Ick ick ick ick ick.
Jamie> Wally or Glenda?
* BryanL1 vomits.
* Jamie dies.
* bowleg dies.
KevinL> Dear God make it stop, make it stop!
KevinL> Ten bucks says his butt looks just like his head.
Jamie> "I'm trying to clone Wally, but make him less naked."
BryanL1> They're making drugs for Bobby!
Jamie> Now the FBI can suspend habeas corpus and mow down the house with tanks and set it on fire, all based on the phony drug charge.
KevinL> I don't have a problem with that, J.

VERY BRADY QUOTES

"I'm here to inspect hemline standards..."
"I behaved like a jerk." "Make that two jerks."
"He's cute and adorable."
"Please don't call me practical. Dull people are practical. I'm not dull."
"He's says the ambience is stimulating..."
"Well girls, it was one heck of a struggle..."
"For once in your life, don't be practical!"
"Well that explains some of the furniture explosion..."
"I know what you mean. A lot of people sleep in the nude."
"We have differing lifestyles..."
"I hardly recognize you without your apron..."