Vincent Price. The name evokes horror, mystery, and... bikinis? Yes, you heard right. In this film, Monsieur Prix plays Dr. Goldfoot, an evil mastermind who plans on taking over the world using womandroids who possess everything but a brain. And who says the 60s were a backward time in the history of gender politics. Docteur Pied-d'or is opposed by the good people of the CIA, represented by Frankie Avalon, a name you can trust in the international spying game, and his assistant, the lovely Dobie Gillis. Fun film fact: Avalon demanded $20 million for the role in the sequel, and was replaced by second-tier teen crooner Fabian, who worked on the Italian production for a bottle of Sambuca and a hairy Sicilian hooker. And yes, I've deliberately avoided mentioning the truly staggering gay porn subtext in this movie, because, as we all know, jokes that demean an entire group of people are not funny, and eventually lead to HATE CRIMES. Never let it be said that we at HG Industries are not sensitive, caregiving individuals.
A TRUE AMERICAN MOVIE CLASSIC
mgrasso> let's get these gold lamé swimsuits going!
GersonK> Directed by Art Clokey
BryanL> Hey, a theme song!
KevinL> Oh, shit. This is gonna be a campy romp, isn't it?
mgrasso> what can we say about them that hasn't been said a million times before.
BEMaven> who had the foot fetish?... Nicholson or Arkoff?
GersonK> BEM - it was mutual - they'd play footsie during proiduction meeetings
BEMaven> i wish the lyrics were incoherent like Nirvana.
GersonK> O/ Dr. Goldfoot pa rump pa pa
mgrasso> that's dionne warwick singing a song written by bacharach and david.
mgrasso> hanukhah gelt, zapped with gamma radiation!
BryanL> Gran Turismo 2
mgrasso> no, this is super mario kart.
mgrasso> or the streets of san francisco.
BEMaven> huh....Taurog...noble hunter... director of 'Goldfoot'
mgrasso> what a positively hudson-hawk-esque title there.
GersonK> Actaully, Bruce sited this as a prime influence
BryanL> OK, San Francisco. Got it. Rice a Roni. Yippee. The scene is set.
mgrasso> vincent price.... san francisco.... you guys thinking what i'm thinking?
BEMaven> i think so, Brain, but what would happen if you sucked on the Breathlyzer?
KevinL> It's the Gay Trenchcoat Mafiess.
BryanL> Maxwell Smart called. He wants his outfit back.
GersonK> This isn't to establish plot or mood, it's just to let the band get it out of their system
mgrasso> stepford wives 2: this time, it's personal.
BryanL> Frankie was, oh, mid-40's when this was filmed, right?
GersonK> Cheese sandwiches are eaten. The drama increases.
mgrasso> milk: it does a girl bomb good.
BryanL> Milk. It makes a body invulnerable.
BEMaven> she has trouble with fluid retention.
mgrasso> the amazing... BOOBY TRAP illusion.
BryanL> A loaf of bread, a girl of milk, and a stick of butter.
mgrasso> craig gambit. the whiter, gayer x-man.
BEMaven> something on Frankie's going flippity-floppity.
mgrasso> they programmed only the best pick-up lines into this girl bomb.
BryanL> She's a milking machine, and she doesn't stop until she gets four gallons.
mgrasso> actually, this is one big tom green segment.
KevinL> Comin through! Gonna get laid! MOVE MOVE MOVE!
mgrasso> frankie's in for a surprise when he takes her home and there's a cow in his apartment.
BEMaven> uh, where are her bullet holes?
mgrasso> BEM: she's liquid metuhl
BEMaven> more like liquid silicone.
KevinL> Cause your gonna be having sex with me, so you're probably gonna wanna be at least half int the bag.
BryanL> "Secret' intelligence. That's an excuse if I ever heard one.
mgrasso> an evil mastermind in elf boots. ok, nicholson, arkoff, jump up my butt.
BryanL> Frankie's Annette-breath finally turned her off.
KevinL> Oh, fuck. The roofies wore off!
mgrasso> you are number six.
mgrasso> we want.... titillation. titillation. titillation.
BryanL> Wow. She can do two different accents. Give her the Oscar.
BEMaven> if I want to see Frankie grope a robot, i'll watch disney.
mgrasso> is that graham chapman on his wall there?
mgrasso> yeah, igor, sure. igor goldfarb, from brooklyn.
BryanL> And we have Rear Projection... and not bikini-clad, either.
GersonK> Did Egghead steal Batman's computers for him?
mgrasso> vincent plays the humor angle well... you'd never know he was ever scary.
mgrasso> nice backbeat.
BryanL> Baby got backbeat!
BryanL> Ladies and gentlemen, the reason this movie was made.
BEMaven> this how i want the clerks to dress at Hallmark.
mgrasso> pen pals.... from around.... the world!!!
BryanL> He's got a Do Not Resuscitate switch!
GersonK> Craftmatic adjustable death!
KevinL> She's wearing Sha Na Na brand underpants.
BryanL> Even his car got an erection.
BEMaven> those Scotch Brite hookers are a menace to the road.
GersonK> Nothing like an actress with a lisp
mgrasso> this innuendo dialogue is about as subtle as ratmm recently.
BEMaven> why does she have an accent like Blabber Mouse?
GersonK> Not a cop, but a retired Village Person
BryanL> Lower the hydraulic jacks...
mgrasso> bryan: were you referring to the gold bombs' breasts?
BryanL> No, those jacks can stay up.
GersonK> A full 256 k of ram on that think.
mgrasso> so, this relationship between vincent and igor was based on the scientist from "wild wild world of batwoman," huh?
BEMaven> there's your Eye-talian, gras.
mgrasso> must have been john old's girlfriend.
BryanL> Sunny day....
mgrasso> so, when they did that "radioactive man" parody on the simpsons... they were not actually kidding.
BryanL> Bob Newhart called. He wants his telephone gag back.
BryanL> It's Jesse's dad!
mgrasso> san francisco's basil fawlty and manuel.
BEMaven> lisps and actors who drag their consonants. i think i'll scream.
BryanL> So, the Domino Theory was pretty much centered around Frankie Avalon.
BEMaven> where is the director nowadays? i have an anvil with his name on it.
GersonK> So, intelligence jobs are pretty much handed out by nepotism
mgrasso> what the FUCK???
BryanL> Well... at least this isn't offensive at all.
BryanL> It's Marge Schott and the Pips!
mgrasso> fred flinstone meets little black sambo.
BEMaven> Neanderthals....the director snuck his family into the movie.
mgrasso> so, igor is now prime minister nehru?
BEMaven> Chim Chim?
BryanL> So, she's basically Bobo with tits.
mgrasso> war of the worlds sound! hah!
BEMaven> ...and forbidden planet also, grass.
mgrasso> notice the bomb at the bottom of the screen.
BryanL> Too bad that finishing school didn't tell her the right way to put on her fishnet stockings.
mgrasso> "you have just reached the bottom."
mgrasso> well, you should know, vincent.
GersonK> He forgot to pick up this month's Granny Fanny
BryanL> Dr. Goldfoot and the Dyke Machine!
mgrasso> frankie, you should know all about your batteries.... ah, skip it.
KevinL> She forgot to plug in her Versa-Pak vibrator.
GersonK> Man, it was a lot tougher to get laid in the '60's
BryanL> Dr. Goldfoot may just be the world's most elaborate pimp.
BryanL> He's got the outfit for it.
mgrasso> she has a parker posey élan, doesn't she?
GersonK> One sock? Is that some '60's code for something sexual?
KevinL> Well, Gers, is it on the left foot or the right foot?
GersonK> Left - oh, I see now. wink wink, nudge nudge.
mgrasso> so, vincent is now a gay 1890s gunfighter.
BEMaven> i just saw Frankie cross his eyes. time for me to get therapy.
mgrasso> even chicks who are computers are ditzes.... in the 60s.
GersonK> grasso - I think we're just begining to see this movies issues.
mgrasso> good. i want more.
BEMaven> it might have been cheaper if Vince had used regular whores.
GersonK> Well, how would Vince know where to find real women?
BEMaven> maybe they shop in the same places, GK.
BryanL> He could have dressed up men, that'd have worked.
BryanL> This movie just adores its Maxwell Smart trenchcoats.
BryanL> And, in true 60's form, every single musical theme is a variation on the theme song.
mgrasso> the maytag guy!
GersonK> If it's Vince's place, it's not the maytag guy but the...oh never mind
BryanL> Boy, it sure is a good thing this movie's just kind of glancing over my consciousness. If I were actually watching it, I think I'd be dead now.
mgrasso> has she been un-dyked yet?
BryanL> It's not really an un-dyking "machine" as such... there's just a drunk frat guy back there convinced that all she needs is one good fuck from him.
BEMaven> UPS. sign here.
BEMaven> i keep waiting at Service Merchandise for a woman to roll the line.
GersonK> His latest wife disposal device - O.J. Simpson
GersonK> I don't believe i've ever seen a spy scamper before
mgrasso> is frankie constipated? why does he hop every where?
GersonK> Like I said grasso - I think this movie has plenty of issues to come
mgrasso> well, i'm just trying to work through them one step at a time.
BryanL> Frankie Avalon IS Andy Dick IN Inspector Gadget 2.
BryanL> Kick, punch, it's all in the mind.
mgrasso> frankie is acting like an agitated chimp on crystal meth
BryanL> That's awfully mean to agitated chimps on crystal meth, Mike.
BEMaven> i don't want to know what Frankie was waving under the coat.
mgrasso> can i get a seltzer bottle from the congregation?
mgrasso> so, this movie is just booze and gadding about.
BryanL> We knew that going in, Grasso.
GersonK> Really just a documentary on Vincent then
mgrasso> paul lynde in the robe of a lifetime.
BryanL> Just remember, so far, we haven't had the 20-minute undercranking sequence that made the sequel such an ordeal.
mgrasso> undercranking? is that anything like pie shoving?
BryanL> You know, the sped-up, running around chase sequences.
mgrasso> you know, this movie should be viewed stoned.
mgrasso> and i don't mean on drugs, i mean pelted with rocks.
BEMaven> "i'll slip into something more comfortable"... like a Russ Myer movie
BEMaven> the bomb alert is a little late for this movie.
BryanL> Hey, check out the headline on that newspaper... HOLY SHIT! MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON!
BEMaven> please, please, don't have Frankie and the girl gadding on screen.
mgrasso> ok, so they got some more powers. what are they, marvel super heroes?
BryanL> Vincent's playing the Evil Colonel Sanders, I see.
BryanL> It's the Magic Crotch Box.
BEMaven> i can't imagine what's keeping the "shhhhhut-up"
BryanL> That's what the movie needed. A Cinderella Subplot. Just breathe.
mgrasso> it's the muppet show! with our special guest star, vincent price! yey!
KevinL> That guy let the front door hit him on the backside.
BryanL> Yep. If it's a sight gag, this movie's got it.
GersonK> (I hate to admit it, but the near hand shake was almost funny)
BryanL> Even his pen is a flaming homosexual.
BEMaven> why does Igor carry around a Sigmoidscope.
GersonK> Did they just pass a "gotham city 20 miles" sign post?
mgrasso> goldfoot. memorial. park.
mgrasso> should those three words appear so close together?
mgrasso> now, igor, scrub vincent down.
BryanL> Raise the statue's head and open the door to the batpoles.
GersonK> Oh, I think Igor and Vincent spend plenty of time on the batpoles
mgrasso> a giant don rickles!
BryanL> So, Dr. Goldfoot's got a built-in S&M dungeon? I'm not particularly surprised.
BEMaven> he models his girl robots after magazine photos. uh, huh.
mgrasso> are bikinis proper formal dinner attire?
GersonK> This tune ain't leaving my head for a while. Bum bum. ba ba ba ba bum.
KevinL> Those are the buttons that activate his evil game of "Mastermind"
mgrasso> wtf is this, the dinner scene from "rocky horror"?
BryanL> Nah, Rocky Horror didn't have anywhere NEAR this much homosexual content.
BryanL> Now THAT"S a stinger.
KevinL> She prefers being chaste.
mgrasso> that was all ad-libbed.
GersonK> More issues than Publisher's Clearinghouse
mgrasso> these guys are the frasier and niles crane of 60s spy spoofs.
GersonK> Igor..prepare to be spanked!
mgrasso> hey! that lobster is booby-trapped!
BryanL> What are the odds these are all recycled portraits from Price horror flicks?
BryanL> The Simpsons called. They want their fish back.
GersonK> "I like him better when he's not laughing"
BryanL> Zipper cameo!
BEMaven> what's keeping the Invisible Bikini?
mgrasso> this whole universe has more crossovers than a rec group.
BryanL> Nothing gay about this at all.
BryanL> What the FUCK was that?
mgrasso> this movie has broken me.
mgrasso> the random censoring sounds from 70s game shows did it.
BryanL> But what were they censoring? What could have possibly warranted that?
BryanL> Movie killed Gerson... Kevin's been dead for hours, you're broken... yet, this isn't worse than Patty Duke.
mgrasso> at this point? i'm just watching for the saggy bikini bottoms... and the sight gags.
BEMaven> he'll turn him into a gibbering idiot? how will we notice the difference?
BryanL> The Shit and the Pendulum.
Djenk> Win Ben Stein's Circumcision!
BryanL> Dr. Goldfoot, and the Set Construction Amortization Machine!
mgrasso> vincent's not so much evil as really into home decor and entertainment.
BEMaven> this is what happens when you let your hunchback assistants direct movies.
BryanL> He's got a Captain Kirk shirt cut goin'.
BEMaven> this movie would be great aversion therapy for SMBD freaks.
mgrasso> he tampered in sade's domain.
BryanL> Anyone got Antaeus' phone number?
mgrasso> goofy car chase music.
BryanL> There's our undercranking.
mgrasso> spy hunter for dummies.
BryanL> Hey, the seats rumble just like Hydro Thunder. Wonder if they're wet, too?
BEMaven> wait'll they hit the Low Rider button.
BryanL> Thought that'd get you to wake up.
* Djenk is still waiting for Maynard G Krebbs to make a cameo appearance
GersonK> sheesh, I'm surprised he let Igor drive
mgrasso> i guess we know who "drives" in that relationship, if you know what i mean.
GersonK> Grace Kelly...no!
BEMaven> dear god. did Bogdonavich copy this for 'What's Up Doc"?
BryanL> And we have our opening.
GersonK> I suppose somebody should have called car chase down the hills when we saw it was in Frisco
BEMaven> this is what you get when you lock the Music Director in the Record Library overnight.
BryanL> Hey, it's almost over...
KevinL> What are the odds they'll hit Lombard Street?
GersonK> Igor and Vince go into a dark tunnel together?
Djenk> o/~If your going to San Fran Cisco...be sure to look out...for Vincent chasing Dobie Gillis
mgrasso> ha! major motor vehicle collisions are FUNNY!
mgrasso> who exactly *watched* this movie when it was out?
GersonK> Yeah, how did a sequel happen?
BryanL> I'm not watching it -now-.
BEMaven> toss out the excess weight. starting with the soundtrack.
BryanL> See, it's set in Frisco.
BryanL> Cable car chase.
Djenk> Lets see....the hills, the cable car...all we need now is a crash between a rice a roni truck and a sourdough bread truck on the bridge and we've got it!
BryanL> And a little GPS from Our Heroes.
GersonK> Frankie and whatshisname on the moped, the real real reason this movie was made
BEMaven> they're using the 'Legion Of Fire' stunt bike. things are bound to pick up.
mgrasso> see, the metaphor is, our heroes finally decide that homosexuality (moped) is superior, and so, they defeat the evil gays (vincent and igor)
BryanL> Orchestra members in the 60's must have been able to improvise entire film scores from one melody line.
Djenk> BryL: Nah, I think they just stole scores from old Warner Bros cartoons and redubbed them ;)
GersonK> Oooh, if that cable car goes aquatic, I'm crying
mgrasso> so.... no bikinis, really.
BEMaven> i'll bet this chase fostered at least three John Hughes movies.
BryanL> Nope... been a while since our last bikini.
mgrasso> huh. so, a space warp?
mgrasso> was this from a different movie?
BryanL> Oh, that's lovely.
GersonK> Stock footage away!
BryanL> Smashed flat, then blown up. That's what I call a wacky, happy ending.
mgrasso> igor and dr. goldfoot will be back, in.... rear entry 6: pounding the pooper!
BryanL> Goldfoot and Igor, shutting the door to the Pilot's Cabin, getting ready to join the Mile High Club... what a perfect ending.
GersonK> Are they going to Paris together?
BEMaven> it's sad when you die as the result of stock footage.
mgrasso> sorry. i'm really sorry.
mgrasso> god, i'm so sorry.
GersonK> Nothing ambiguos about ths duo?
BryanL> That's OK, mike. Nothing to apologize for.
mgrasso> i'm apologizing to myself, mostly.
mgrasso> that ending, however, should be epologizing to me.
BryanL> Oh, man...
mgrasso> was that esperanto?
mgrasso> "china lee"
BryanL> "Sam and the Apemen"... that was our lovely Afrocentric combo from the beginning of the movie.
GersonK> Really, much like Hudson Hawk, this was just a spoof of a spoof
mgrasso> "thigh fat, by LARD!"
BEMaven> AIP's enduring legacy: letterbox format for just the titles and credits.
BryanL> The SUPREMES?
mgrasso> clokey DID do the titles!
GersonK> Titles actually were by Art Clokey!
mgrasso> jesus christ.
Djenk> Musical Score by Les Baxter....would have prefered much Less of Les
BEMaven> Les ("anyone using this tune this week?") Baxter.
BryanL> Ah, working title for Invisible Bikini was Glass Bikini. That's good to know.
KevinL> I'm still waiting for the Criterion Collection edition of this to come out on DVD. I really want to hear the director's commentary.
GersonK> I want to hear his anguished cries.
mgrasso> "yeah, we were pretty much high during this scene."
mgrasso> "here? stoned."
BryanL> "Man, I don't know what the fuck I was tinking there... I was screwing two starlets when we shot that, so Vince was pretty much flying solo."
mgrasso> "and after this scene, price took out his penis and showed it to the crew in a drunken stupor."
Djenk> "Casting Dobie Gillis as a spy? What was I thinking?"
GersonK> 'We just didn't give a damn. We had a $10,000 and we were going to ake a movie'
BryanL> "We had Frankie Avalon's ass in a permanent contract, and damned if we weren't going to ride that poopchute for as long as we could."
GersonK> 'We had some sets on loan from Batman, so we figured we'd go for camp...without hte actual comedy'
GersonK> 'We decided to go with simulated humor'
BEMaven> "we dropped the script and all the pages got mixed up. nobody noticed.
BryanL> "We originally wanted to rear-project the entire movie, but it turns out that requires more work, so we said to hell with it."
BEMaven> "we couldn't get those damn gold slippers away from Vincent."
GersonK> "Frankly, we knew women were nothing more than half brained automatons, and we just wanted to hammer it home'
mgrasso> "here's the pitch.... girls in bikinis... we should begin casting immediately, in the motel across the street. we'll need more money in the budget for extra sheets."
BryanL> "The Harvey Lembeck cameo... that was actually our most inspired moment."
GersonK> "It took us a long while to explain the whole concept to Vince and Frankie - luring men with beatuful women'
DEMEANING WOMEN NOT FUNNY? TRY SIGHT GAGS!
mgrasso> sight gag #24.
mgrasso> thank you, tom and jerry.
GersonK> Sight gag #452 : The wacky Murphy Bed
mgrasso> sight gag #666: the duct taped chair to the ass.
mgrasso> sight gag #321: malfunctioning file cabinets
mgrasso> sight gag #4: detached limbs
GersonK> sight gag #452 - the removable hand
mgrasso> sight gag #86: the rake
GersonK> sight gag #7 - riding the corpse
mgrasso> sight gag #123: the "i can't stop myself" side step
KevinL> Sight Gag #216: Motorcycle separates from sidecar.
mgrasso> sight gag #1: the spit take
BryanL> And #2, the swoon.
GersonK> #6 the seltzer bottle
FORGET IT, I'M SICK OF THIS CRAP
"Reckon I'd swoon if you would..."
"Fie on you. You're an idiot."
"I'm beginning to regret that I brought you back to life."
"You're a sick man!"
"Or will you wait till things get stiiiiicky."
A GOOD CAST DESERVES A SECOND BOOT TO THE HEAD
For just a taste of the pain, download this file and soak it up.