GOLD BIKINIS AND SIGHT GAGS COURTESY...
mgrasso> let's get these gold lamé swimsuits going!
GersonK> Directed by Art Clokey
BryanL> Hey, a theme song!
KevinL> Oh, shit. This is gonna be a campy romp, isn't it?
mgrasso> nicholson/arkoff.
mgrasso> what can we say about them that hasn't been said a million times before.
BEMaven> who had the foot fetish?... Nicholson or Arkoff?
GersonK> BEM - it was mutual - they'd play footsie during proiduction meeetings
BEMaven> i wish the lyrics were incoherent like Nirvana.
GersonK> O/ Dr. Goldfoot pa rump pa pa
mgrasso> that's dionne warwick singing a song written by bacharach and david.
mgrasso> hanukhah gelt, zapped with gamma radiation!
BryanL> Gran Turismo 2
mgrasso> no, this is super mario kart.
mgrasso> or the streets of san francisco.
BEMaven> huh....Taurog...noble hunter... director of 'Goldfoot'
mgrasso> what a positively hudson-hawk-esque title there.
GersonK> Actaully, Bruce sited this as a prime influence
BryanL> OK, San Francisco. Got it. Rice a Roni. Yippee. The scene is set.
mgrasso> vincent price.... san francisco.... you guys thinking what i'm thinking?
BEMaven> i think so, Brain, but what would happen if you sucked on the Breathlyzer?
KevinL> It's the Gay Trenchcoat Mafiess.
BryanL> Maxwell Smart called. He wants his outfit back.
GersonK> This isn't to establish plot or mood, it's just to let the band get it out of their system
mgrasso> stepford wives 2: this time, it's personal.
BryanL> Frankie was, oh, mid-40's when this was filmed, right?
GersonK> Cheese sandwiches are eaten. The drama increases.
mgrasso> milk: it does a girl bomb good.
BryanL> Milk. It makes a body invulnerable.
BEMaven> she has trouble with fluid retention.
mgrasso> the amazing... BOOBY TRAP illusion.
BryanL> A loaf of bread, a girl of milk, and a stick of butter.
mgrasso> craig gambit. the whiter, gayer x-man.
BEMaven> something on Frankie's going flippity-floppity.
mgrasso> they programmed only the best pick-up lines into this girl bomb.
BryanL> She's a milking machine, and she doesn't stop until she gets four gallons.
mgrasso> actually, this is one big tom green segment.
KevinL> Comin through! Gonna get laid! MOVE MOVE MOVE!
mgrasso> frankie's in for a surprise when he takes her home and there's a cow in his apartment.
BEMaven> uh, where are her bullet holes?
mgrasso> BEM: she's liquid metuhl
BEMaven> more like liquid silicone.
KevinL> Cause your gonna be having sex with me, so you're probably gonna wanna be at least half int the bag.
BryanL> "Secret' intelligence. That's an excuse if I ever heard one.
mgrasso> an evil mastermind in elf boots. ok, nicholson, arkoff, jump up my butt.
BryanL> Frankie's Annette-breath finally turned her off.
KevinL> Oh, fuck. The roofies wore off!
mgrasso> you are number six.
mgrasso> we want.... titillation. titillation. titillation.
BryanL> Wow. She can do two different accents. Give her the Oscar.
BEMaven> if I want to see Frankie grope a robot, i'll watch disney.
mgrasso> is that graham chapman on his wall there?
mgrasso> yeah, igor, sure. igor goldfarb, from brooklyn.
BryanL> And we have Rear Projection... and not bikini-clad, either.
GersonK> Did Egghead steal Batman's computers for him?
mgrasso> vincent plays the humor angle well... you'd never know he was ever scary.
mgrasso> nice backbeat.
BryanL> Baby got backbeat!
BryanL> Ladies and gentlemen, the reason this movie was made.
BEMaven> this how i want the clerks to dress at Hallmark.
mgrasso> pen pals.... from around.... the world!!!
BryanL> He's got a Do Not Resuscitate switch!
GersonK> Craftmatic adjustable death!
KevinL> She's wearing Sha Na Na brand underpants.
BryanL> Even his car got an erection.
BEMaven> those Scotch Brite hookers are a menace to the road.
GersonK> Nothing like an actress with a lisp
mgrasso> this innuendo dialogue is about as subtle as ratmm recently.
BEMaven> why does she have an accent like Blabber Mouse?
GersonK> Not a cop, but a retired Village Person
BryanL> Lower the hydraulic jacks...
mgrasso> bryan: were you referring to the gold bombs' breasts?
BryanL> No, those jacks can stay up.
GersonK> A full 256 k of ram on that think.
mgrasso> so, this relationship between vincent and igor was based on the scientist from "wild wild world of batwoman," huh?
BEMaven> there's your Eye-talian, gras.
mgrasso> yep.
mgrasso> must have been john old's girlfriend.
BryanL> Sunny day....
mgrasso> so, when they did that "radioactive man" parody on the simpsons... they were not actually kidding.
BryanL> Bob Newhart called. He wants his telephone gag back.
GersonK> Kiliiiink!
BEMaven> "fffreddd"...."shhhut-up"
BryanL> It's Jesse's dad!
mgrasso> san francisco's basil fawlty and manuel.
BEMaven> lisps and actors who drag their consonants. i think i'll scream.
BryanL> So, the Domino Theory was pretty much centered around Frankie Avalon.
BEMaven> where is the director nowadays? i have an anvil with his name on it.
GersonK> So, intelligence jobs are pretty much handed out by nepotism
mgrasso> what the FUCK???
BryanL> Well... at least this isn't offensive at all.
BryanL> It's Marge Schott and the Pips!
mgrasso> fred flinstone meets little black sambo.
BEMaven> Neanderthals....the director snuck his family into the movie.
mgrasso> so, igor is now prime minister nehru?
BEMaven> Chim Chim?
BryanL> So, she's basically Bobo with tits.
mgrasso> war of the worlds sound! hah!
BEMaven> ...and forbidden planet also, grass.
mgrasso> notice the bomb at the bottom of the screen.
BryanL> Too bad that finishing school didn't tell her the right way to put on her fishnet stockings.
mgrasso> "you have just reached the bottom."
mgrasso> well, you should know, vincent.
GersonK> He forgot to pick up this month's Granny Fanny
BryanL> Dr. Goldfoot and the Dyke Machine!
mgrasso> frankie, you should know all about your batteries.... ah, skip it.
KevinL> She forgot to plug in her Versa-Pak vibrator.
GersonK> Man, it was a lot tougher to get laid in the '60's
BryanL> Dr. Goldfoot may just be the world's most elaborate pimp.
BryanL> He's got the outfit for it.
mgrasso> she has a parker posey élan, doesn't she?
GersonK> One sock? Is that some '60's code for something sexual?
KevinL> Well, Gers, is it on the left foot or the right foot?
GersonK> Left - oh, I see now. wink wink, nudge nudge.
mgrasso> so, vincent is now a gay 1890s gunfighter.
BEMaven> i just saw Frankie cross his eyes. time for me to get therapy.
mgrasso> even chicks who are computers are ditzes.... in the 60s.
GersonK> grasso - I think we're just begining to see this movies issues.
mgrasso> good. i want more.
BEMaven> it might have been cheaper if Vince had used regular whores.
GersonK> Well, how would Vince know where to find real women?
BEMaven> maybe they shop in the same places, GK.
BryanL> He could have dressed up men, that'd have worked.
BryanL> This movie just adores its Maxwell Smart trenchcoats.
BryanL> And, in true 60's form, every single musical theme is a variation on the theme song.
mgrasso> the maytag guy!
GersonK> If it's Vince's place, it's not the maytag guy but the...oh never mind
BryanL> Boy, it sure is a good thing this movie's just kind of glancing over my consciousness. If I were actually watching it, I think I'd be dead now.
mgrasso> has she been un-dyked yet?
BryanL> It's not really an un-dyking "machine" as such... there's just a drunk frat guy back there convinced that all she needs is one good fuck from him.
BEMaven> UPS. sign here.
BEMaven> i keep waiting at Service Merchandise for a woman to roll the line.
GersonK> His latest wife disposal device - O.J. Simpson
GersonK> I don't believe i've ever seen a spy scamper before
mgrasso> is frankie constipated? why does he hop every where?
GersonK> Like I said grasso - I think this movie has plenty of issues to come
mgrasso> well, i'm just trying to work through them one step at a time.
BryanL> Frankie Avalon IS Andy Dick IN Inspector Gadget 2.
BryanL> Kick, punch, it's all in the mind.
mgrasso> frankie is acting like an agitated chimp on crystal meth
BryanL> That's awfully mean to agitated chimps on crystal meth, Mike.
BEMaven> i don't want to know what Frankie was waving under the coat.
mgrasso> can i get a seltzer bottle from the congregation?
mgrasso> so, this movie is just booze and gadding about.
BryanL> We knew that going in, Grasso.
GersonK> Really just a documentary on Vincent then
mgrasso> paul lynde in the robe of a lifetime.
BryanL> Just remember, so far, we haven't had the 20-minute undercranking sequence that made the sequel such an ordeal.
mgrasso> undercranking? is that anything like pie shoving?
BryanL> You know, the sped-up, running around chase sequences.
mgrasso> you know, this movie should be viewed stoned.
mgrasso> and i don't mean on drugs, i mean pelted with rocks.
BEMaven> "i'll slip into something more comfortable"... like a Russ Myer movie
BEMaven> the bomb alert is a little late for this movie.
BryanL> Hey, check out the headline on that newspaper... HOLY SHIT! MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON!
BEMaven> please, please, don't have Frankie and the girl gadding on screen.
mgrasso> ok, so they got some more powers. what are they, marvel super heroes?
BryanL> Vincent's playing the Evil Colonel Sanders, I see.
BryanL> It's the Magic Crotch Box.
BEMaven> i can't imagine what's keeping the "shhhhhut-up"
BryanL> That's what the movie needed. A Cinderella Subplot. Just breathe.
mgrasso> it's the muppet show! with our special guest star, vincent price! yey!
KevinL> That guy let the front door hit him on the backside.
BryanL> Yep. If it's a sight gag, this movie's got it.
GersonK> (I hate to admit it, but the near hand shake was almost funny)
BryanL> Even his pen is a flaming homosexual.
BEMaven> why does Igor carry around a Sigmoidscope.
GersonK> Did they just pass a "gotham city 20 miles" sign post?
mgrasso> goldfoot. memorial. park.
mgrasso> should those three words appear so close together?
mgrasso> now, igor, scrub vincent down.
BryanL> Raise the statue's head and open the door to the batpoles.
GersonK> Oh, I think Igor and Vincent spend plenty of time on the batpoles
mgrasso> a giant don rickles!
BryanL> So, Dr. Goldfoot's got a built-in S&M dungeon? I'm not particularly surprised.
BEMaven> he models his girl robots after magazine photos. uh, huh.
mgrasso> are bikinis proper formal dinner attire?
GersonK> This tune ain't leaving my head for a while. Bum bum. ba ba ba ba bum.
KevinL> Those are the buttons that activate his evil game of "Mastermind"
mgrasso> wtf is this, the dinner scene from "rocky horror"?
BryanL> Nah, Rocky Horror didn't have anywhere NEAR this much homosexual content.
BryanL> Now THAT"S a stinger.
KevinL> She prefers being chaste.
mgrasso> that was all ad-libbed.
GersonK> More issues than Publisher's Clearinghouse
mgrasso> these guys are the frasier and niles crane of 60s spy spoofs.
GersonK> Igor..prepare to be spanked!
mgrasso> hey! that lobster is booby-trapped!
BryanL> What are the odds these are all recycled portraits from Price horror flicks?
BryanL> The Simpsons called. They want their fish back.
GersonK> "I like him better when he's not laughing"
mgrasso> eddie!
BryanL> Zipper cameo!
BEMaven> what's keeping the Invisible Bikini?
mgrasso> sheesh.
mgrasso> this whole universe has more crossovers than a rec group.
BryanL> Nothing gay about this at all.
BryanL> Hello?
BryanL> What the FUCK was that?
mgrasso> this movie has broken me.
mgrasso> the random censoring sounds from 70s game shows did it.
BryanL> But what were they censoring? What could have possibly warranted that?
BryanL> Movie killed Gerson... Kevin's been dead for hours, you're broken... yet, this isn't worse than Patty Duke.
mgrasso> at this point? i'm just watching for the saggy bikini bottoms... and the sight gags.
BEMaven> he'll turn him into a gibbering idiot? how will we notice the difference?
BryanL> The Shit and the Pendulum.
Djenk> Win Ben Stein's Circumcision!
BryanL> Dr. Goldfoot, and the Set Construction Amortization Machine!
mgrasso> vincent's not so much evil as really into home decor and entertainment.
BEMaven> this is what happens when you let your hunchback assistants direct movies.
BryanL> He's got a Captain Kirk shirt cut goin'.
BEMaven> this movie would be great aversion therapy for SMBD freaks.
mgrasso> he tampered in sade's domain.
BryanL> Anyone got Antaeus' phone number?
mgrasso> goofy car chase music.
BryanL> There's our undercranking.
mgrasso> spy hunter for dummies.
BryanL> Hey, the seats rumble just like Hydro Thunder. Wonder if they're wet, too?
BEMaven> wait'll they hit the Low Rider button.
BryanL> Thought that'd get you to wake up.
* Djenk is still waiting for Maynard G Krebbs to make a cameo appearance
GersonK> sheesh, I'm surprised he let Igor drive
mgrasso> i guess we know who "drives" in that relationship, if you know what i mean.
GersonK> Grace Kelly...no!
BEMaven> dear god. did Bogdonavich copy this for 'What's Up Doc"?
BryanL> And we have our opening.
GersonK> I suppose somebody should have called car chase down the hills when we saw it was in Frisco
BEMaven> this is what you get when you lock the Music Director in the Record Library overnight.
BryanL> Hey, it's almost over...
KevinL> What are the odds they'll hit Lombard Street?
GersonK> Igor and Vince go into a dark tunnel together?
Djenk> o/~If your going to San Fran Cisco...be sure to look out...for Vincent chasing Dobie Gillis
mgrasso> ha! major motor vehicle collisions are FUNNY!
mgrasso> who exactly *watched* this movie when it was out?
GersonK> Yeah, how did a sequel happen?
BryanL> I'm not watching it -now-.
BEMaven> toss out the excess weight. starting with the soundtrack.
BryanL> See, it's set in Frisco.
BryanL> Cable car chase.
Djenk> Lets see....the hills, the cable car...all we need now is a crash between a rice a roni truck and a sourdough bread truck on the bridge and we've got it!
BryanL> And a little GPS from Our Heroes.
GersonK> Frankie and whatshisname on the moped, the real real reason this movie was made
BEMaven> they're using the 'Legion Of Fire' stunt bike. things are bound to pick up.
mgrasso> see, the metaphor is, our heroes finally decide that homosexuality (moped) is superior, and so, they defeat the evil gays (vincent and igor)
BryanL> Orchestra members in the 60's must have been able to improvise entire film scores from one melody line.
Djenk> BryL: Nah, I think they just stole scores from old Warner Bros cartoons and redubbed them ;)
GersonK> Oooh, if that cable car goes aquatic, I'm crying
mgrasso> so.... no bikinis, really.
BEMaven> i'll bet this chase fostered at least three John Hughes movies.
BryanL> Nope... been a while since our last bikini.
mgrasso> huh. so, a space warp?
mgrasso> was this from a different movie?
BryanL> Oh, that's lovely.
GersonK> Stock footage away!
BryanL> Smashed flat, then blown up. That's what I call a wacky, happy ending.
mgrasso> igor and dr. goldfoot will be back, in.... rear entry 6: pounding the pooper!
BryanL> Goldfoot and Igor, shutting the door to the Pilot's Cabin, getting ready to join the Mile High Club... what a perfect ending.
GersonK> Are they going to Paris together?
BEMaven> it's sad when you die as the result of stock footage.
mgrasso> sorry. i'm really sorry.
mgrasso> god, i'm so sorry.
GersonK> Nothing ambiguos about ths duo?
BryanL> That's OK, mike. Nothing to apologize for.
mgrasso> i'm apologizing to myself, mostly.
mgrasso> that ending, however, should be epologizing to me.
BryanL> Oh, man...
mgrasso> was that esperanto?
mgrasso> "china lee"
BryanL> "Sam and the Apemen"... that was our lovely Afrocentric combo from the beginning of the movie.
GersonK> Really, much like Hudson Hawk, this was just a spoof of a spoof
mgrasso> "thigh fat, by LARD!"
BEMaven> AIP's enduring legacy: letterbox format for just the titles and credits.
BryanL> The SUPREMES?
mgrasso> clokey DID do the titles!
GersonK> Titles actually were by Art Clokey!
mgrasso> jesus christ.
Djenk> Musical Score by Les Baxter....would have prefered much Less of Les
BEMaven> Les ("anyone using this tune this week?") Baxter.
BryanL> Ah, working title for Invisible Bikini was Glass Bikini. That's good to know.
KevinL> I'm still waiting for the Criterion Collection edition of this to come out on DVD. I really want to hear the director's commentary.
GersonK> I want to hear his anguished cries.
mgrasso> "yeah, we were pretty much high during this scene."
mgrasso> "here? stoned."
BryanL> "Man, I don't know what the fuck I was tinking there... I was screwing two starlets when we shot that, so Vince was pretty much flying solo."
mgrasso> "and after this scene, price took out his penis and showed it to the crew in a drunken stupor."
Djenk> "Casting Dobie Gillis as a spy? What was I thinking?"
GersonK> 'We just didn't give a damn. We had a $10,000 and we were going to ake a movie'
BryanL> "We had Frankie Avalon's ass in a permanent contract, and damned if we weren't going to ride that poopchute for as long as we could."
GersonK> 'We had some sets on loan from Batman, so we figured we'd go for camp...without hte actual comedy'
GersonK> 'We decided to go with simulated humor'
BEMaven> "we dropped the script and all the pages got mixed up. nobody noticed.
BryanL> "We originally wanted to rear-project the entire movie, but it turns out that requires more work, so we said to hell with it."
BEMaven> "we couldn't get those damn gold slippers away from Vincent."
GersonK> "Frankly, we knew women were nothing more than half brained automatons, and we just wanted to hammer it home'
mgrasso> "here's the pitch.... girls in bikinis... we should begin casting immediately, in the motel across the street. we'll need more money in the budget for extra sheets."
BryanL> "The Harvey Lembeck cameo... that was actually our most inspired moment."
GersonK> "It took us a long while to explain the whole concept to Vince and Frankie - luring men with beatuful women'
