As the movie opens, a young astronaut named Charles "Taylor" Heston, a student at UW-Madison, awakes to find the ruling Pail and Shovel Party has buried the Statue of Liberty up to its nose somewhere beyond THE FORBIDDEN ZONE. Damn them all to hell! Chuck and his woman ride off into the sunset, only Chuck is poached and disappears. Menahwile, back on earth, mere mortals are itching for the return of their beloved Chuck, whom many believers regard as a kind of a Moses and Michelangelo figure wrapped in one package. So the feds send James Franciscus, the Finder of Lost Chucks, to the Planet of the Apes to find him. After hooking up with Kim Novak and faux-Roddy monkeys, Franciscus and No-va track Chuck to BENEATH the planet of the apes, i. e., Grand Central Station. Nuke-worshipping telepathic morlocks force a confrontation between Chuck and his beta male stand-in, Franciscus. Chuck, shot in the ensuing battle and dying, valiantly tries to end the Apes franchise by nuking them all . . . nuking them all TO HELL!
FLINGING CRAP
GersonK> And here's Uncle Ned Behind the Planet of the Apes
Plumm> Chuck!
* andre2 throws ants on chuck
Ironf> He has a creamy smooth voice
Ironf> Chuck just ruined the movie for me
Plumm> this is the third version of this story I've heard from Chuck.
andre2> And Bebe Rebozo as Lumpy.
Plumm> A Clockwork Roddy for Chuck.
GersonK> Of course, nobody, not even Roddy remembers the title of that film
andre2> oh yeah, and... DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!, too.
GersonK> When Hestons are outlawed, only outlaws will have Hestons
Ironf> When teeth are outlawed, only outlaws will have teeth
GersonK> Or lunch
Plumm> Last week, on Planet of the Apes.
GersonK> Upside the Planet of the Apse
Ironf> Does Chuck get a chimp bottom in this one?
Plumm> the finder of lost loves!
GersonK> A planet where Linda married the Wrong Beatle?
*** BryanL (bryncthy@dialup-pm2-8.minn.net) has joined #MST-HomeGame
BryanL> Damn you all to hell!
andre2> Man, I wish I could throw perfume on that statue...
Ironf> DAMN you BRY!
Ironf> You went and did it
BryanL> I finally did it.
GersonK> O\~ You've finally made a monkey....
Plumm> A planet where the Beatles wife-swapping scheme produced a race of super-Beatles?!
andre2> I don
BryanL> And now, he journeys through the desert on a horse with no name.
andre2> 't think my mind is going to be able to take this movie.
Ironf> feels so good to be outta the pouring rain
BryanL> Chuck's the big, meaty slab of glue that binds this and the original together.
andre2> That sand was soooo art illustrated it's not even funny.
BryanL> That's some bad eczema.
BryanL> How many ships crashland on this planet, anyway?
Plumm> Hi, my name is James, I'm your Heston in this feature. can I take your order?
BryanL> Charlton Heston and Chuck Norris had a love child.
BryanL> If man is still alive?
Plumm> The place, Sumeria.
Ironf> A Heston curve?
GersonK> Skipper? I hope he hit's James with his hat, then.
BryanL> And my bong still works!
andre2> Here, try some of this fetid air.
GersonK> 'Don't you look at me!'
Brimstone> The pillow from the future!
andre2> God, i hate Peter Graves.
Ironf> and it's yellow, so we should be superpowered any time soon
BryanL> So we've got Beard Boy and Blind Lemon Balaban as our heroes?
andre2> Man, Peter Graves took FOREVER to bury.
Plumm> Calvin Klein wife-beaters.
Ironf> WOW just like the beginning of ICE-T's "Surviving the Game"
BryanL> Seems odd to bury him just 'cause he's blind and mumbling, but there ya go.
GersonK> Nothing left to do but dig his own grave
BryanL> He's wearing GI Joe's dog tags.
Ironf> I claim this body in the name.....
GersonK> He can hear the soundtrack approaching
Plumm> Xena?
BryanL> Great. One woman on the whole planet, and Chuck's staked his claim to her.
GersonK> 'Well, hey, looks like I picked the right place to crashland'
Ironf> Well every woman is crazy 'bouta sharp dressed gun nut, Bry
GersonK> It's not Chuck. More of a chucklet. Maybe ground chuck.
andre2> Are you Peter Graves?
BryanL> Machina Brent? (20 points)
Plumm> What? You want to do it doggie style? Dog tags?
Ironf> Her name is Lola, L-O-L-A Lola
BryanL> Whoa! Subliminal Heston!
Ironf> ahhhhh
Ironf> whew
BryanL> He's got a Nova in his pants.
Plumm> You Nova, Me Electric Company.
GersonK> Next he's gonna teach her to play scrabble
Ironf> To the dentist?
BryanL> I'm getting a real "Hidden II" kind of vibe off of this movie.
andre> Welp, suppose I better narrate the new testament right about now.
BryanL> Thank you for Chuck's ass, movie.
Brimstone> There's just something about a gunfreak with a manly chest and British teeth
andre> Why, you're not Peter Graves at all!
Ironf> well that'll freak a horse out
GersonK> "C'mon, look, my shirt is all torn up, where's the nearest tailor?'
BryanL> So he fell into a burning ring of fire?
andre> yawn.
BryanL> I officially dub this scene meteorogically and geologically iffy.
andre> And Bulky with the riffage.
andre> Listen... to the sound... of a... whole nother Oooo?
BryanL> So she's thinking "If the dog tag wiggles, watch Less than Zero".
GersonK> 'Like why is he always like totally talking to me like I'm some kind of bubblehead?'
andre> Bluescreen. Big time.
BryanL> Miss Tang? What's her first name?
Ironf> Woo
BryanL> Tinker. Taylor. Soldier. Spy.
GersonK> Horsejacking
andre> I hope he's not talking about Jonathan Taylor-Thomas.
BryanL> What's with all the Gravesage? This movie's almost completely Graves-free.
Plumm> Franciscuc got his log on in this scene, yo.
andre> James FranUhsiscus, Bryan.
BryanL> The Finder of Lost Loves?
andre> No, that's Tony Francioso.
Plumm> Did that in the opening credits, Bry.
BryanL> Nice eyebrow motion.
Ironf> that and lots of crap flinging
andre> No, I'm going to close my speech by putting on diapers and riding a tricycle.
GersonK> Well, yeah, that's not news.
BryanL> It's Bat Day at Ape Stadium!
Plumm> A MADHOUSE!
Brimstone> they all have miniature louisville sluggers!
andre> He's really dressed for that convention, isn't he.
Plumm> Wag the Chimp.
Plumm> Watch for the cheap monkey masks in the crowd here.
GersonK> Why is he wearing a bowling ball?
BryanL> He's John Wayneing it big time.
andre> I don't think I'm going to be able to withstand 2 hours of ape masks.
andre> Although i dig his hat.
BryanL> En Vogue! En Vogue! En Vogue!
BryanL> So what's the Franciscus/Graves connection?
andre> Things were so much easier when I was marooned.
andre> They're siamese twins joined at the ankle, Bryan.
andre> They were briefly lovers.
BryanL> And in this scene, Cornelius will be represented by the bassoon.
andre> Blackrose is a big fan.
Plumm> Peter gnawed off his foot to escape.
BryanL> PULL!
GersonK> Thye both evolved into apes.
Plumm> Pull the monkey, Bryan?
andre> Mmm, excrement stew.
GersonK> Oh boy, they better keep their legs together.
BryanL> Not during the homegame, plumm. And you really should buy me dinner first.
Brimstone> naked monkies?
BryanL> Ape bathhouses. Oh, yeah.
GersonK> Is Zauis on ludes or something?
Ironf> please don't drop the towel
BryanL> Optimus Primal?
Brimstone> They went to the forest to come back
andre> Let me point out that I avoided these Apes movies for a reason. I HATE THOSE DAMN MAKEUP JOBS! GRRRRR! Can't even friggin' understand them . GRRRR!
GersonK> Those are same nice curtains though. Real stylish apes.
BryanL> Yoda called. He wants his kitchen back.
Brimstone> the makeup is damn good for the time they made it
andre> Hi. I'm Peter Graves.
andre> thanks for the historical footnote, Bulky.
GersonK> Maybe this one's smart enough to fling his own crap
Brimstone> I'm not Bulky
Brimstone> I'm big-boned
Ironf> [Ispep> you guys all unproductive loads, sitting in here watching stupid movies.
BryanL> Why is he threatening them with an asthma inhaler?
andre> YES! The Ispep we all know and love.
Ironf> [Ispep> Chase is a very nice person and you are jealous of her fame.
GersonK> Good thing chucklet's still got his asthma inhaler
BryanL> Since when does HE get to use our sacred term?
Ironf> [Ironf> yeah lets all run out and become whores and jezabels
Ironf> [Ironf> woohoo
Ironf> [THX-1183> Chase came over to my house yesterday and tried to sell me her body. I told her I had to be the 1st and made her leave
andre> Ispep has stolen my heart.
andre> Did he throw perfume at her?
BryanL> All of a sudden, it's a wacky French farce!
GersonK> 'and not until we ride around on our trikes'
Ironf> [Ispep> You guys are such useless freaks! You all need to die and make the world a better place!
Ironf> *** Ispep has quit IRC ((signed off))
andre> Bryan! YOU USELESS FREAK! Please die asap.
Plumm> A time for peace, my friend.
BryanL> I can't. I'm so useless I keep missing myself with the steak knife.
* GersonK dies and doubles his productivity in the process
BryanL> That was the secret of the Japanese. Dying for productivity.
* Brimstone dies and eats some nachos
andre> Brimstone is so goth.
Brimstone> goth is so gay
andre> Maybe we should really consider adopting Japanese-style management techniques.
andre> I think Ispep would be proud if we did.
GersonK> Soo, monkeys standing around talking.
BryanL> Yeah, we need you in a skimpy loincloth. That's what we need. Right.
GersonK> "Here, grab my area'
BryanL> Is it just me, or have they been pretty much ABOVE the Planet of the Apes so much?
BryanL> Er, so far?
Ironf> or at least ON
BryanL> So much for Flicka.
Plumm> Frankly, I think this sequel is beneath "The Planet of the Apes," myself.
BryanL> The Most Dangerous Game II: Apes On Parade
Plumm> The apes obviously haven't developed Ritalin yet.
GersonK> And this is why I don't go to flea markets anymore
BryanL> Many animals were harmed in the making of this movie.
GersonK> Wait, are the humans stealing horses from the apes, or have they developed saddles and nothing else?
Ironf> MAN IS AN ANIMAL!
BryanL> Before the invention of the "medicine ball".
BryanL> Turn your head and cough.
GersonK> Still, looks like they're better washed than the average crowd at a Korn concert
Brimstone> So is there nudity in this movie?
Ironf> so the first 40 are almost exactly the same as the first movie, nice
BryanL> They're going to practice being a low-end department store?
BryanL> Damn, apes are stupid. "Double lock"
GersonK> Why are all the gorillas wearing giant hershey's bars?
BryanL> Hot monkey love.
andre> you know what this movie needs? Kenny Kingston.
Plumm> An Occurance at the Planet of the Apes.
BryanL> that's what this movie needs. More bareback.
GersonK> Wait, wasn't this what happend 10 minutes ago?
BryanL> James Franciscus, live at Red Rocks.
BryanL> Hey, they're finally sort of beneath the planet.
Ironf> After all the bareback action, he had to take care of himself
GersonK> Well, more inside it than beneath it.
Ironf> In the Basement of the Planet of the Apes
BryanL> Around the Planet of the Apes in 80 Days
GersonK> They shoulda' hit those gorillas Upside the Palnet of the Apes
Brimstone> 49 minutes into the movie and they are "inside".
Ironf> Wow he really is a budget Chuck, isn't he
BryanL> Oh, I guess they did it. Damn them all to hell.
Plumm> Grand Central Station can count as beneath.
GersonK> Next train should be along any minute now
Ironf> Where are all the rats and roaches?
BryanL> And the third rail's still active and he dies. The end.
GersonK> Rudy had them all arrested
BryanL> He's a little slower on the uptake than Chuck, which is pretty impressive.
Plumm> Franciscus can't get out without Plisken.
GersonK> Damn you all to hell!
Ironf> He lived in Central?
Plumm> Did we fanally damn us all?
Plumm> Damn us all to hell?
Ironf> yup finally did it-damned to hell, blah blah blah
BryanL> Chuck Lite. Half the calories of the regular Chuck.
GersonK> But evey bit as oily
Brimstone> The Chucklet looks sorta like Chuck from Willy Wonka. BryanL> Zeus has the trots.
Plumm> Perhaps we should run as independents!
Brimstone> Trample them!
BryanL> Chimpanzee = Hippie
Ironf> NAM!!
GersonK> Oooh, subtlety
BryanL> No Justice! No Peace!
Plumm> Damn space hippie monkeys.
Ironf> Hanoi Bonzo
BryanL> You know what this movie needs? A heapin' helpin' of allegory.
Plumm> The massacre at Bonzo State.
Brimstone> pot smoking monkies
BryanL> Bonzo-Ashbury
Plumm> was that a third coincidental Bonzo ref, bry? or a riff-escalation?
GersonK> So, it's the monkeys and a bunch of stone-age humans. Why do they have an army?
BryanL> Escalation.
GersonK> O\~ Don't sleep in the Subway baby
Brimstone> he's wearing underwear under his loincloth
Brimstone> I"m glad, though
BryanL> Certainly, no good ever came from the dialogue of this movie.
BryanL> It's a Dynamo Hum.
BryanL> So, I guess the future is forsaken, then.
Plumm> The future is for GK!
GersonK> Pretty soon, they'll stumble onto Luthor's hideout
Ironf> They have to fight the snow and fire and all first
Brimstone> outta batteries
Ironf> or it could be a coffee maker
Brimstone> damn shadows
BryanL> It's Bespin.
THX-1138> It's the tubes for the Running Man's sled.
Brimstone> There are tunnels like that all over NY
Plumm> o/~ i'd clean all the toilets in a post-apocalyptic Grand Central Station with my tongue . . . o/~
Plumm> o/~ Just to spend one more minute with you. o/~
Ironf> THESE PIPES ARE CLEAN!!!
GersonK> The New York Pubic Library?
BryanL> You know the problems I've been having getting beneath the Planet of the Apes.
Plumm> Some Viagra can help you with that, Bryan.
BryanL> Viagra's your answer to everything.
BryanL> Strangely, Studio 54 is still going strong.
GersonK> Of course, if you were actually beneath a planet, you'd also be above it, cause there's really no up or down in space. I really think they meant inside
BryanL> Smells like poo gas!
THX-1138> Please don't drink from the urinal of the gods, pseudo-Heston
GersonK> Do you think we've said poo gas enough?
Brimstone> "hmm...1000 year old water? Sure, I'll drink it!"
BryanL> The Planet of the Apes is taking a whizz.
BryanL> Damn, he tries everything, doesn't he.
Plumm> I dunno, Gerson. Ask Cosgrove.
GersonK> Well, I wouldn't drink 1 minute old water from a NYC fountain
BryanL> Maybe his head will explode.
Plumm> Slowly I choked....
THX-1138> La Bamba's in the background doing his "In the Year 4000" schtick
BryanL> There's a cliche the first movie lacked.
Ironf> Did he take over Chuck's religious kick and try to baptise her?
Brimstone> did he shink?
BryanL> No, but his shink's out of shape.
BryanL> The Church of the Golden Penis.
THX-1138> It's the Alpha Omega frat bomb
GersonK> Most churches are equipped with icbm's
BryanL> They're the natural evolution of Trojans.
THX-1138> Enjoy this selection from the musical Chess
BryanL> There's at least one room in Tomb Raider II just like this.
GersonK> King Tut!
BryanL> Rejects from 12 Monkeys.
Plumm> This is my friend, Observer.
GersonK> Well, it's sort of Grand central
Brimstone> Omega Man is way better. A chick with a fro and Chuck killun with guns.
BryanL> This was just a cost cutting measure. Since none of these people had speaking roles, they could pay them scale.
Brimstone> Damn this movie to Hell!
Plumm> some crappy PBS series? Nova? What is that?
*** Brimstone has quit IRC ((signed off))
Ironf> good night bulkrose
BryanL> Brother From Another Planet
BryanL> Ape City is also a big DIVX supporter.
Plumm> I hate SIMON! Stop!
BryanL> You gotta keep it separated.
Ironf> When we get funky
BryanL> So, this movie pretty much inspired the whole of Season 8.
GersonK> So, they think they're more developed than their god?
Plumm> Mutanto Bin Ladin.
THX-1138> Mutants with the power of feedback!
Plumm> this and the first one, Bry.
BryanL> Or the stinky deterrent.
BryanL> Um, a little less Bones there, James.
GersonK> Damn those materialistic apes and their Armani
BryanL> Materialistic? Clay pots = materialism?
BryanL> He used to love her, but he had to kill her.
Plumm> da-da-da-da-da da-da- da-da-da-DUH!
GersonK> I think this movie has some issues.
GersonK> Hit him whth a brick. Make him go all Egyptian!
Ironf> They should get a magazine rack, lots of issues
Plumm> The director had a Freudina thing about large gay telepathic men forcing him to rape.
Ironf> Tell me about the apes George
BryanL> This is the day, the teddy apes had a pic... nic!
BryanL> Freudina. It's like Orangina, only with penis envy.
GersonK> Bry- take a closer look at an Orangina bottle
BryanL> So, everything in the 60's had music like this?
GersonK> It shares a composer with Star trek
THX-1138> Iron, do you think god would let these apes into heaven?
Ironf> That would be a hard sell according to the others
BryanL> The vision was false! However, it was really keen!
Ironf> nope not a drawing at all
BryanL> Kryptonian technology!
THX-1138> Hail to the bomb, baby.
Ironf> I think they really wanted Vincent Price for this part
CaptDuncel> Do you think Mike can help them fix this bomb?
BryanL> their pipe organ's an odd design.
Plumm> They're all Martin Landau!
BryanL> They're all Anakin Skywalker!
GersonK> So, they're all Darth vader?
Plumm> Hymn 311 in your Episcopal Hymnal.
THX-1138> Exactly why do they have the masks in the 1st place?
Ironf> umm they're all big penis people?
BryanL> So... they're beneath the Planet of the Apes, huh.
Plumm> In the 1982 version, I believe it was moved to Hymn 405.
BryanL> Ladies and gentlemen, the Festeria National Anthem!
GersonK> Stop the Planet of The Apes - I want to Get Off!
CaptDuncel> So let be written so let it be done
BryanL> So. How the frig long is this movie, anyway?
Plumm> If I were a butterfly, I'd thank the Bomb for giving me wings... o/~
Plumm> You know the train tables. You must die.
BryanL> Chuck!
Ironf> Here is some ammo Chuck, do what you do best
CaptDuncel> Get your Paws off me you damm dirty ape oh! wait
BryanL> So, that cell's running at about 1.5 Hestons right now.
* GersonK hums the Star trek fight music
Plumm> He's wearing his fey Linnengen scarf.
BryanL> Londo and G'Kar. The Early Years.
BryanL> Choke! Choke! Choke!
CaptDuncel> Let my people go and join the NRA!!!
THX-1138> When steel cage matches go wrong
Ironf> ohh that was below the belt
BryanL> Heston wins. Fatality.
GersonK> It's a madhouse, Jerry, a madhouse
BryanL> That last move was just plain wrong, by the way.
THX-1138> There goes the security deposit.
GersonK> Those subway holding cells are pretty shoddily made
BryanL> There's a certain lack of efficiency in their "peaceful" ways.
BryanL> So, the secret to mental telepathy is a Dustbuster in the next room?
THX-1138> They get a point each time the other one touches the cage, but they have to becareful of the WMAC ninjas.
BryanL> Meschach Taylor Kabobs.
GersonK> That's nice, chuck's grooming him
Plumm> Free Meschach Taylor Kabobs for the kids.
BryanL> So, which one's Ike and which one's Tina?
Ironf> The one using the shoe is Ike
BryanL> Alpha, Beta, and Spagheta.
THX-1138> It was a limited edition atomic bomb, number 2 out of a series of 5000.
Plumm> The Alpha and the Omega. The Beginning and the End. Starring PETER GRAVES, james franciscus' less succesful brother.
GersonK> What's the point of a doomsday device if they didn't tell anyone?
BryanL> So, is this almost over?
Plumm> They're apelunking!
Ironf> The apes have been there for a long time, yet never discovered an underground passage within walking distance of the town?
GersonK> Bry- that's what the movie wouldlike us to think.
Plumm> It's in the FORBIDDEN ZONE.
BryanL> Wasn't that door open just a few minutes ago?
Ironf> Stoopid munkeys
GersonK> You know, Chuck's looking like Rev Jim here.
BryanL> What kind of halfwits would kill their jailor with an open cell door, and then shut it without leaving?
Plumm> Franciscus has more of a Jack Van Impe quality about him.
Plumm> There was a draft, Bryan.
GersonK> Nova - no mas
BryanL> This is the price you pay for your clever tactic of waiting in the hallway to be shot.
Plumm> A lot like Mora's prevent defense, Bryan.
BryanL> ANARCHY IN THE P.O.T.A.!
Ironf> it's urine
Ironf> they finally did it
BryanL> Boy, their peaceful ways and incredible mind powers sure did them a hell of a lot of gud.
THX-1138> He's activating the genesis device.
BryanL> "The instrument of my god". So it is a big schlong.
Ironf> erection subsystems initialized
GersonK> Where's your messaih now, huh?
BryanL> They're like Vyvian. "WHY WON'T IT GO OFF?!"
Ironf> Ride monkey ride on the mystery ship
Plumm> If the Soviets had foresight, they would have put a nuclear warhead in Lenin's head.
Ironf> The ultimate irony is Chuck throws his own crap to push the plunger down
BryanL> Oh my God, they killed Heston! You ape bastards!
Ironf> Destruct this
THX-1138> Nice rated G film.
Plumm> ka-BOOM!
GersonK> Sure, the bomb's going to go off, but Chuck's gonna escape to London with the midget butler
Plumm> Roddy McDowall is the new Number Two.
Ironf> The End
BryanL> That's IT?
Ironf> Go Home
Plumm> sharp cut there
Ironf> ker plop
GersonK> A welcome, but abrupt ending
BryanL> And this was the second movie?
Ironf> ayup
*** andre (bowleg@tr-tc-ppp31.monmouth.com) has joined #MST-HomeGame
BryanL> And there were three or four more after this?
andre> Apes! Apes!
Ironf> Speaking of monkey people
Plumm> Are you not fluent in the Ape franchise, Bryan?
GersonK> Fat Man - Victor Buono - nice work by his agent
BryanL> Nope.
BryanL> That's seriously fucked up.
andre> Victor Buono as a fat man? That is sooo against type.
But had the monkeys slightly bigger brains and a bit more effective a gun lobby, they may have been able to take the humans. Here, "HGuns & Ammo" privdes an exclusive look at the apes' arsenal.