x53 BEASTMASTER 3 (12/31/97)

MOVIE
Did you enjoy Batman and Robin? If you did, you'll enjoy Beastmaster III. Again, Hollywood proves that it is possible to exhume a horse and beat it senseless. Marc Singer stars as Dar, the freak with the mark of the beast on his hand. Most people would call him The Night Stalker for that, but the incredibly dim-witted inhabitants of this enchanted land prefer to call him The Beastmaster. We learn Dar has a brother, Tal, who has a Laser Tag sensor amulet that can free Braxus, a Godzookie-like demon. For some reason, an aging queen named Lord Agon, with his Unabomber sidekick, wants to free Braxus so he goes after Tal and the Matrix. Dar and Ultra Magnus try to stop him with the help of Denise Crosby and O.J. Simpson. Joan Collins later joins the team as a witch with a hankering to get it on with Nubian gods. "Good" triumphs over "evil;" homosexual sub-text is exchanged; there's sweet love between man and woman, man and man, and man and animal. Richard Gere and his pet gerbil make guest appearances.

HOW TO MASTER YOUR BEAST IN 3 EASY STEPS
BryanL> Costuming by Pier One Imports.
andre> David Warner in a role that will cripple you.
Merlynn> Marc Singer,when they couldn't get Kevin Bacon.
andre> this is omnimax!
AndrewP> The young guy will grow up to be a Rebel Hero™!
Jamie> When Guys in Lion Suits Attack!
Elroy-L> the poor man's conan
BryanL> Meanwhile, the ferrets nibble on Bortho's nads.
Jamie> When Stock Footage Attacks!
andre> this movie transports me back in time to a magical realm of fantasy and adventure. Well, maybe not.
mgrasso> "i'm mike donovan"
Jamie> My enemies call me a cheap Mark Hamil lookalike
Merlynn> You can call me the ass master.
andre> I used to hit the bong quite frequently with King Tall.
mgrasso> we all get stuck on the throne sometimes, kato
jess> Your majesty, I'm the Candyman. Say my name five times - I dare you!
Jamie> Your majesty does more BMs on his throne before 9am than most people do all day.
BryanL> What about his brother, Lord B-Gon? He banished everyone from his kingdom!
BryanL> Lord E-Gon is a Ghostbuster.
andre> Lord El-Ron is just a load.
mgrasso> amazing powers? jack hanna's better with animals than this guy
Merlynn> Chest waxing must have been very popular back then.
jess> Does Mark Singer's bare chest make anyone else want to pluck their eyes out?
BryanL> Try Zantac for that heartburn.
Jamie> Falling Arrows Kill. A message brought to you by the New Year Coallition.
mgrasso> oh wow. it's the oakland hills on fire again!
Jamie> Army of Dorkness.
BryanL> What kind of armor is that, anyway? Helmets, loincloths, and torso-bearing tunics.
andre> Sword of dullness, give me sight beyond sight.
THX-1138> One of these days the beasts are gonna unionize and the Beastmaster is gonna have to do his own work.
BryanL> Ah, this would be teh forest that's adjacent to the mountains and the desert?
jess> So they just went from Morocco to Tanzania?
Ironf> Blondi Dagwood is Tasha Yar in Bungle in the Jungle
BryanL> Wonderful. Now Warner is stealing David Lo Pan's schtick.
andre> Shana will be represented by the Oboe.
BryanL> Nothing has ever been safe from those ferrets. Even Dar's virginity.
Jamie> You WILL join the JJ Holmes fan club!
THX-1138> So he's turning people into glowing globs of Palmalive to rejuvenate his hands?
andre> Beastmaster 3: Through the portal of making time with the ladies
Jamie> Alla sudden he's the Chickmaster! Yow!
mgrasso> : well, she's no kari wuhrer"
andre> Golden Axe: The MOVIE!
Jamie> Those are the same ferrets form the first movie??!!
andre> Topo and Gigo.
Ironf> Rico and Suave
Jamie> the bird's saying "Stop screeching like that, you freak!"
mgrasso> dar's got a skip in his walk that says "i'm confortable
with my effeminancy"
andre> Jerry Garcia in a role that will inspire you to commit suicide.
Q> donny osmond must have really been hurting for work at this point
BryanL> Joan Collins IS Jane Badler IN the... Joan Collins story.
Ironf> So she is a Gypsy, tramp and thief all rolled into one.
Bice> He gets a little *too* much enjoyment outta polishing that sword
Jamie> Yeah, and you're the toastmaster, leader of public speakers. What's your damn point?
Jamie> These PIPES... are CLEAN!!!!!
mgrasso> beastmaster 3: the movie that *tried* to be as self-consciously hip as xena
Q> ugh. thanks for the sidekick buffalo shot, movie
Elroy-L> shatner would have been better as beastmaster
Baalzamon> rope body armour!
BryanL> Beastmaster III. We provide the characters, YOU provide the motivation.
Q> timothy leary in a cameo that will confuse you
BryanL> The animals are revolting!
Baalzamon> they're on strike
Ironf> They finally want more than scale
BryanL> More gay porn subtext. They're making up for lost time.
andre> he's a big ninja turtle!
mgrasso> hey it's earl sinclair!
jess> It's a Sleestak!
Jamie> Teddy Rex!
THX-1138> Koopa
Bice> It's a teenage mutant ninja turtle!
AndrewP> It's a goomba!
andre> it's Bowser!
andre> another stupid voice-through-a-harmonizer demon
Merlynn> I am Ironman.
Elroy-L> ya know, he's really not that much of a "beastmaster", he's more like the lion's sidekick...
Baalzamon> where's yoshi when you need him?
jess> It's GLOW - Gorgeous Lizards of Wrestling.
Q> mitch gaylord IS the blue boy IN beastmaster 3!
andre> C'mon, Dar! Every Beastmaster needs a Gay Boy in Bondage!

BEASTIALITY: A NEW SLANT ON LIFE
"I'll have that pleasure myself, when all the powers of hell are mine."
"My powers are not complete without the eye!"
"I can have adventures without you, I don't need you!"
"So... the freak still lives..."
"Gently, you clods! Don't bruise the boy..."
"Careful my impetuous friend. The more you struggle the sooner you'll die..."
"You're a mistake! You're a pathetic freak of nature!"
"His crimson warriors shoot arrows of fire!"
"Each time, the rejuvenation wears off more quickly..."
"Besides, I hate these mudcake savages more than I hate you!"
"I want to TRAVEL with you and share in your ADVENTURES."

CRAPPY TRIVIA: Marc Singer insisted he spend 2 months living alone with the animals in order to "master" them. Totally unrelated, Singer took a vow of celibacy a month earlier.