x274 BASIC INSTINCT (07/06/99)

Eszterhas and Verhoven?  Oh dear...
What can you say about Basic Instinct?  It is responsible for burning out more freeze-frame VCRs than any other movie ever created.  (Yes, even Anal-conda.)  It was the movie that spread Sharon Stone far and wide after she spread herself far and wide in this movie.  It's anti-sex, anti-woman attitudes shine through as bright as seamen under blacklight.  It features Skinner and Newman before they became typecast to the point where they will eventually end up signing autographs at RV shows.

Basically, Mike Douglas chases after Sharon Stone after she may or may have not killed a man.  Or maybe I just dreamed the whole thing.  Please say that it's a real movie, I don't want to think that I'm that sick and twisted...

Sharon?  Could you shave for tomorrow's shoot?
Trademark> Thought that said "Carnal" which would have been fitting...
Trademark> It's abstract art.  The title is "Hatred for Women No.6" by Esterhazs...
BEMaven> this is what you see when you snort coke out of an oragami.
thayer> the movie starts with sex and bondage. and murder. not bad.
thayer> drugs? well then, he deserved to die.
BEMaven> they cut out all his good parts.  uh, let me rephrase that....
Trademark> This trip would be more interesting if the Dies Irae were playing...
Ironf> When you cut all the nudity you have to do something to fill the time, and that's what this is, something.
Trademark> The juxtaposition of close-ups and distance shots is genius!
thayer> god, i would kill for a house with that view.
Ironf> She did.
Trademark> rimshot>
thayer> girl after my own heart
BEMaven> Internal Affairs?  just what he had in mind.
Trademark> Film noir.... In Color!
Plumm> Police Captain Greg Kinnear rapidly-aged
ReaperG> But she failed in underwear class
Trademark> Chris Farley is Detective Pot Roast.
BEMaven> he just described clive barker.  put out an APB.
ReaperG> You know, any movie with Nicole Kidman in her underwear is a winner in my book
BEMaven> what, they drove back to her house to pick up the cameraman?
ReaperG> Ms. Treadmill?
Plumm> 'when I say 'pocket,' i mean 'crotch.''
Trademark> Newman: Alive with Pleasure!
BEMaven> "i like hands and finger."  she fantasizes about being a Muppet.
ReaperG> BEM, her gynecologist used to work on "Kukla, Fran & Ollie"
Plumm> hmmm, did they cut something?
ReaperG> Of course, they edit out the sole reason this movie was made
BEMaven> yes, Plumm,  the story.
BEMaven> and content.
Plumm> i meant tbs cuts, not verhoeven
Plumm> Ah, stalkers in love.
BEMaven> this is as about as riveting as Martha Stewart's calendar
ReaperG> You'll dress like this in N.Y. right thayer?
ReaperG> Movies for Guys Who Like Naked Chicks
Ironf> And back to movies that have no reason to exist.
ReaperG> "You've jerked off thinking of her too"
ReaperG> "No matter how hard you try, you just can't make parallel parking exciting"
Trademark> So... Douglas is apparently the only cop in this part of LA>
BEMaven> she just signalled for a left turn with an ice pick.  could be important.
Trademark> Excuse me while I don a leather mask and chainsaw through this ice over here...
Trademark> Whoa... get the rabbit and the pot.
Trademark> I'm quite relieved that I never wasted a dollar renting this dog...
Trademark> It's a wonder any of the principals still has a career.
ReaperG> TM, well, what have they done for us lately?
Balthayzr> You call mulling over a "Jewel of the Nile" sequel a careeer?
ReaperG> Right now, Wayne Knight is the most active of the cast
Trademark> Deservedly so, I'd say...
Pinwiz> The plot so far:  Sharon turns right, left, has sex...  turns left, right, has sex...   turns right, turns right, has lesbian sex
ReaperG> Now he's gonna start crossing and uncrossing his legs.  Ew!
BEMaven> if Michael says he likes men who use fingers and hands, i'll scream.
Balthayzr> Yea, I can see where banging Sharon Stone would make people think yer nuts.
BEMaven> so Interrogation in San Fran is like Improv Theater?
Balthayzr> "You like watching me do it..."
Balthayzr> Is it sick that she likes to smoke after ice-picking things?
Pinwiz2> Kubrick's "Legs Wide Open"
Ironf> If she can call him Shooter, can he call her Whore?
Balthayzr> Meanwhile, at Our Lady of Perpetual Disco....
Pinwiz2> Do the monkey with me! /Bravo>
BEMaven> 'oh, that was intense, lover.  let's jump cut again.'
Plumm> gah, I missed the "sex"
Balthayzr> Sorry, I don't like this new Annette and Franky.
Pinwiz2> When KITT goes bad
Trademark> So much for the menage-a-trois...
Balthayzr> And now, for our next scene: Necrophelia. Enjoy.
ReaperG> "I loved my dead gay lesbian"
Trademark> Well, sex heals all wounds, except those caused by ice picks..
Balthayzr> This week, on Law And Order And Sex.
Balthayzr> Movie Rule #756: Anyone can hack, seeing as all passwords are 3 letters.
Balthayzr> Stalking within stalking within stalking. We should get thayer to do this page.
Ironf> This whole movie is a big McFlurry
Balthayzr> Stone's eyes always look like she's spent a week under the bed.
RobertH> I'm providing exposition! The least you could do is smile.
Balthayzr> Hoss? I do *not* wanna know the origin of that nickname.
RobertH> trilling = bloody death
Trademark> Wait... who had sex with the doughy guy?
RobertH> Violence good. Sex bad. So says TBS.
* RobertH would not approach Michael Douglas if he was screaming "Take it out!" at me.
Balthayzr> What a sicko. Joined the Sharon Stone Fan Club and everything.
Balthayzr> Could you please have sex with Nick again so we can drag this mess out for *another* 45 minutes????
BEMaven> now, to clarify all these plot twists and turns, let's bring on Jeff Goldblum.
Pinwiz2> And after all that, she uses the ice pick as a vibrator too???
Pinwiz2> Well, I learned that All Women are Evil.  End of story.
Balthayzr> Chief Lesbian Wrangler.
Pinwiz2> "Sharon Stone is (c) Warner Bros. Animation.  All rights reserved."
BEMaven> this movie was like watching you parents argue in the front seat of the car.

DOES THIS MAKE YOU HORNY, BABY???
"I like hands and finger."
"STOP RIDIN' ME MAN, I'LL KICK YOUR ____ TEETH IN!"
"yo"
"she is SCREWING with your head, Nick."
"KMart, buck sixty five."
"You like watching, don't you?"
"I don't have luck with women."
"What is this, ... some kinda JOKE!"
"What do we do now, Nick?"

NEWMAN!!!