x 49 AVALANCHE (12/21/97)
COLD MISERS
Directed by: Paul "Bumble" Shapiro
Written by: Tim "Winter Warlock" Redman
MOVIE
Michael Gross hasn't come very far since Family Ties. He's a divorcee trying
to buy the affection of his children, the agressively stupid Deirdre and
the monstrously annoying moppet Max. The little week in the isolated cabin
has some heavily incestuous undertones (which Ironf and I were definitely
not imagining), but the family fun is interrupted by the Hoff. Having
GOTTEN THE DIAMONDS, Hoff loses the diamonds and doesn't spend nearly
enough time unconscious. Gross saves him in a mercilessly graphic mouth
to mouth scene. Fear not, though, he soon feels like a right nitwit when
the hoff tries to mostly kill them until they can help him find THE
DIAMONDS, when he'll finish the job. Naturally, the side of treacle
prevails. Highlights include a ridiculous tunnel fight and Max almost
dying several times.
WIPE OUT!
andre2> I'm Cherokee Hasselhoff.
andre2> for those of you playing along at home, David just GOT THE
DIAMONDS.
andre2> max, make yourself useful and unpack my drug paraphenalia
collection.
andre2> Well, I suppose I should give Skippy a call....
dungarees> She should go for a new eyebrow look. Constantly alarmed doesn't suit
her.
Ironf> uggh child batch shot
dungarees> How bout a little sugar for Daddy?
dungarees> Mom? She's a total bitch, psychotic, hallucinates, am I getting
closer?
Ironf> Honey, I'm gonna need you to swallow this balloon the next time we go
through the airport, ok?
andre2> she says it's the best sex she's ever had. No offense, dad.
dungarees> I move that no one should be allowed to write dialogue which is 90%
comprised of the word Yeah
andre2> nothing says loving like something from the holocaust.
dungarees> Los Hombres de equis!
Ironf> No one will be seated during the increadible child yawning.
andre2> Somehow I detect Michael and David getting involved in your usual deadly
game of cat and mouse.
Jamie> I think the avalanche effects in the get smart reuniion movie were
better
dungarees> No orange juice was harmed in the making of this movie
dungarees> Max is toast. Excellent. Killing the delightful moppet first things
is pretty kewl.
dungarees> They toyed with me! They let me believe he was dead! They didn't kill
Max! You bastards!
Jamie> "Elyse? Are you there? Alex? Mallory?"
andre2> Here's my plan, we'll grow wings and fly out.
Jamie> May Day? Labor Day? Arbor Day? What day is it??!!
andre2> Me, i'm just waiting for the scene where Michael Gross starts eating
little pieces of himself to stay alive.
andre2> please stop with the pumping gestures.
andre2> and I resucitate you to sleep, afffter the looooving....
Q> frostbite on the old fella. must be painful
dungarees> Michael Gross shows pluck in the face of adversity by opening a red
light district on the mountain.
Jamie> son, leave daddy alone. he's building a snow fort.
Q> oh but please, movie, play us more sounds of hasslehoff melodiously gasping for
air
Q> relax, daughter wife, we'll be fine
dungarees> This man has never actually dug a structurally sound tunnel before, but
he much admired Charles "Danny the Tunnel King" Bronson's performance in the
Great Escape
Jamie> Dad?! Why are you fondling David Hasselhoff?
Q> tension breaks out at the northern dandruff convention
Ironf> I look forward to doing you later.
andre2> Next on Montel, Michael Gross: What's the deal?
dungarees> A miniscule amount of sense, immeasureable by man's feeble tools, but
an amount of sense nonetheless
andre2> You know how to dig don't you? You just put your lips together
and... aw, never mind.
andre2> So um, how do you feel about a big slob who sings crappy songs molesting
you? Hmmm?
BryanL> A young Dabney Coleman and a young Macauley Culkin bond.
dungareesson> So, I'd like to discuss locking a gun in a glass fronted
cabinet
* Q begins singing the sodomy song
dungareesson> Suddenly a laser Floyd show erupts in the cabin
andre2> Michael Gross will be represented by the oboe.
dungareesson> Yes! A boot to the face! I LOVE it!
Q> two alpha male has-beens fight for supremacy of their lair
BryanL> Mag Lite vs. Gun. Even Hasslehoff can do -that- math.
Ironf> And the Hoff goes down.
Q> boy, pinocchio really needs to lay off the methadone
* Jamie does not need to see the Hoffo-erotic strangulation scene.
andre2> That was great. Hasselhoff stabbed Gross. Blimey! That was great.
BryanL> Not Without My Tied Up Daughter
BryanL> He wants her to lick him? Did I hear that right?
Q> dh: okay, okay, calm down, think: what would kitt do?
dungareesson> How would Skippy handle this situation?
BryanL> Why didn't the family realize Hasslehoff was lying when they saw the cue
cards for all his stupid stories nailed to the walls?
dungareesson> We found a pony
dungareesson> And a triceratops
dungareesson> I always suspected the Hoff was part Wookie
andre2> we're going to determine who's the yo-yo champion now.
BryanL> I know what you're thinking. Did I dig six tunnels, or only five.
Q> ah, vaginal action scenes. can't get enough of 'em
BryanL> Meanwhile, in White Fang...
Ironf> I fought the Hoff and I won.
dungareesson> He's going to post-it him to the floor?
Jamie> Dr. Gross, Medicine Woman.
dungareesson> He is actually duct-taping him to the floor.
dungareesson> The Rather Uninteresting Journey
Jamie> It's not a forklift, but it'll do.
dungareesson> Now poke the Hoff with a fork and bake him at 350 for 45
minutes
Jamie> Then slather the Hoff in sour cream and chives.
BryanL> Then throw the Hoff out and eat something good.
andre2> suddenly the movie takes a sharp turn for the worse as Max runs into Jack
Frost.
dungareesson> Here's a huge jagged shard of glass I prepared earlier
BryanL> So, the moral of the movie is "Kill David Hasslehoff every chance
you get".
Jamie> At least it has a positive pro-social message that way, Bryan.
BryanL> So, Dad's using his own daughter as bait here. Great.
andre2> and the creepometer goes off the scale.
andre2> Because there's nothing as sad... as the tears of a Hoff...
dungarees> Hes a yo ball, Bryan. He's just that wacky.
jcp9j> I get a little excited about a Hasselhoff mauling, and scii.com
bans me.
andre2> but there was no room at the inn for Michael Gross.
Jamie> so. lesson?
andre2> don't eat the yellow snow.
Ironf> Kill Hoff at all times.
BryanL> Kill Hasslehoff every single chance you get.
andre2> don't trust duct tape.
Q> men are strong, girls are dumb
Jamie> I also learned that Hasselhoff mus die.
andre2> make sure you always GET THE DIAMONDS.
SOLID COLD QUOTES
"Max! You're such a slug..."
"this leg's not right"
"Give it a good yank"
"I really want to see Central America..."
"I found it in your pants"
"You're going to need my muscle to get out of here"
"Just pour it down my throat. Go ahead..."
"Why are you taking this thing so personally?"
"I can't seem to shift it with this shoulder of mine..."
"Where are MY DIAMONDS!"
dungarees carefully assembled this page while trapped in a house with Ernest Borgnine.
Alex! Alex! ALEX!!!