TALES TO ASTONISH MADNESS!
Executive (holds the carrot) Producer:
Kathleen Kennedy, Frank Marshall, and Steven Spielberg
Supervising (holds the stick) Producer:
Joshua Brand and John Falsey
Associate (holds back the tears) Producer:
Skip Lusk, Stephen Semel, and Steve Starkey
Regular (holds the fort till they can hire more producers) Producer:
David E. Vogel
MOVIE
Based on a concept sketched out on a Burger King napkin, refined by a creative team on Wendys placemats, and fine-tuned by script doctors in the KFC drive-through, Steven Spielberg's "Amazing Stories" dramatically proves how many millions Hollywood can blow and still never approach the quality of Rod Serling's "Twilight Zone". This manic-depressive assortment of episodes features...
What's-His-Name as a pathologically buff high school kid who becomes magnetized after a chance encounter with a fallen fragment of Hale-Bopp. The hilarity never stops. As a matter of fact, it never starts.
Mark Hammill as a young lad who buys into a grubby troll's 401K plan: forget medical school and live as a smelly hermit so you unload all your memorabilia on crazed, affluent collectors when you're old and feeble. Clearly preferable to a lifetime of healing the sick and injured.
Charles Durning as Bathrobe Guy, blessed with the power to foresee terrible calamities in his pajamas. Visions of an airline jet crashing into his lawn gnomes sends him to the local airport, where he must overcome a Pinkerton-UPS-Masons conspiracy to prevent a major disaster.
Kathy Bates as a motorist whose life flashes in front of her, in back of her, in her passing lane, and her blind spot. She meets her past self, her future self, her stunt double, and the Continuity Girl... all of who suggest that she carpool with her estranged husband and stop taking up two spaces at the mall.
THE GHOST WHO WASN'T ALIVE!
The Main Attraction
Directed by Matthew ("Bingo!") Robbins
my-crow> BEEEFcake.
my-crow> mom, i'm firing you.
Bice> Toast as a cinema link.
Ironf> First it's burning the toast, next she won't be wiping him properly.
BryanL> He's got a... BITCHIN' CAMARO!
Bice> So I'm guessing this guy is going to be learning a humbling life lesson.
BEMaven> he clearly suffers from inverted introversion.
Ironf> "Swallow it before reentering."
Bice> Mrs Bice sez: "'Swallow before reentering' - something I don't want to hear"
BryanL> This is just like an episode of Saved By The Bell, only without the commanding presence of Screech.
Plumm> I can see why he wants to be the prom king, being the only 30-year-old in the high school.
BryanL> Boy, this is going to keep going on like this, isn't it?
Bice> Look the stars are pissing on him.
BEMaven> who has enough nerve to cue God?
Ironf> The wormy kid next door goes out and touches the meteor and is transported to a world where he's a super stud.
my-crow> ohh, nice god. you throw like a GURL !
Ironf> Oh golly, what are the odds the nerd girl was hit and they're both magnetic, huh, huh, huh?
BryanL> Mom, I swear, my hand is positive and my dick is negative!
Ironf> He should just put on that rubber S&M suit he has in the closet.
Plumm> Bicycle rape!
BEMaven> wasn't this a Geico commercial?
Ironf> If only he would use his powers for good instead of poor slapstick.
BryanL> This movie wouldn't know the inverse square law if it bit it in the ass.
BEMaven> Newtonian ass biting is in the next episode, bry.
BryanL> A cookie is just a cookie, but Ass Newtons are ass and cake!
BEMaven> leave room for the apple.
BryanL> During minute seven of the "stuck to the lockers sequence"...
BEMaven> this is why Peter Parker wasn't bitten by a radioactive magnet.
Plumm> Cleat-fu!
Elroy-L> so he is a superconductor magnet just some of the time?
Ironf> Wow, he's SUPER magnetic. He's even pulling in aluminum.
my-crow> plastic and paper too.
Elroy-L> shouldn't that speaker fly off the wall...
BryanL> I like the way they carefully mapped out the implications of making him magnetic so that it's consistent throughout.
Djenk> or at least be squealing like a pig from feedback?
Bice> Did he step on a metal duck?
Elroy-L> so, that means you can't watch tv without bending the picture...
Bice> Too bad none of these kids are carrying their steak knife collections.
Ironf> When does he draw the admantium out of Wolverine's bones?
Bice> Unsurprising surprise ending landing on runway 5.
Elroy-L> aaahhhh, opposite poles...
BEMaven> what a twist finale. i thought he was going to be rear-ended by the tin woodsman.
Bice> So was that a happy ending or a sad ending? Or should we just be happy that it was an ending?
Djenk> So, the moral of the story..... date the geeky girl else you will be magnetized to her by a freak interstellar accident.
BEMaven> i already learned that in Bible School, Djenk.
Gather Ye Acorns
Directed by Norman (What I really want to do is Art Direct) Reynolds
BryanL> Screw Jedi-boy. This one has a MIDGET in it.
BryanL> He's hooked on that new RADIO PORN that's causing all the ruckus.
Djenk> But reading a medical textbook years before you can even comprehend it will help loads...
Plumm> Johnny Hempseed discovers gravity.
Ironf> Maybe he can trick some kids into reading the book for him by telling then how fun it is.
Bice> It's a tree-hippie!
BEMaven> a Klingon leprechaun?
Ironf> Now let's play kick the can...no wait, that's different too.
BEMaven> 'isn't your heart worth listening to?' well, they do cover that in med school.
Plumm> This one has such a great moral -- be a jobless filthy packrat dork forever, then you'll become fabulously rich overnight.
BryanL> He's either a socialist leprechaun, or a shill for QVC.
BEMaven> is that kid going to let a dust bunny talk to him like that?
BryanL> I'm Mother Nature's only son. I speak a simple truth. A card just like this one TRIPLED in value last year alone!
BEMaven> he'd do better listening to the Motley Fool instead of a tree dwarf.
BryanL> Enjoy the glorification of a jobless basement-dweller.
BryanL> Why SFC would air such a tale is anybody's guess.
Plumm> Time to move to the Unabomber shack.
Ironf> Yeah now you're on the street, where's the Great Gazoo now, huh, huh?
Djenk> ZZ top was originally a solo act.....
thayer> dude, if that guy came up to me i'd run so fast...
Cthulhu> You kids want to see a one-eared elephant?
Ironf> "I was in love with a circus lady once..."
Bice> You kids want to see a one-eyed snake?
BryanL> Timmy Tumbleweed!
Cthulhu> There, you see.... you feed a tumbleweed once and it just hangs around.
sistahQ> see, if he'd just joined lynard skynard when they asked him...
BEMaven> "that's your father talking." so he becomes an impressionist.
Cthulhu> Mark Hamill needed that beard to hide the complicated series of pullys and wires that control his face.
thayer> so he listened to the troll. did he have to mimic his hairstyle too?
BEMaven> Vegas? dear lord, he DOES become an impressionist.
BryanL> Uncle Jesse gone even wronger.
BEMaven> 'no, but i use it as a chamberpot. is it still a collector's item?'
Plumm> sothe-bay's.
BryanL> Leona Helmsley IS "The Collector".
Bice> Remarkably clean and chip-free for having been in a shack in the desert for the last 40 years.
thayer> yeah, i'd trust a strange woman i'd never met before at a gas station.
Ironf> Now he's the richest hobo in the world.
BryanL> The moral? Live a miserable life just so you can cash in on your childhood dreams right before you die.
Ironf> When does he sell Gizmo off?
BEMaven> 'gee, if i knew those comics were valuable, i wouldn't have used them as toilet paper.'
BryanL> And he blows his whole wad buying back three of his things.
sistahQ> mint? MINT?? it's been driven through the desert for fifty years, and it's MINT???
BryanL> Plus, his shit is 100% acid-free.
thayer> an hour left? he's almost dead.
sistahQ> and he gets the woman to bed on their wedding night, has a heart attack and dies, the end.
BryanL> I mean, was this just the warped product of the mid-80's, or were these "messages" considered the products of lead-addled minds even then?
lando5> are you forgetting the influence of Spielbergian sensibilities, Bry?
BryanL> I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.
You Gotta Believe Me
Directed by Kevin ("Waterworld") Reynolds
Plumm> I call FAKE GK.
Djenk> The house, the house, the house is on fire...
Cthulhu> He must have gotten into the GOOD acid.
Bice> You know, if my house was on fire, I don't think I'd be standing around talking to strangers.
BryanL> So we're in for a half an hour of an Ernest Borgnine wannabe wandering around in his pajamas. Great.
Ironf> This is what happens to those people that leave their lights up year-round.
Djenk> Why is he trying to clothesline those ghosts?
Plumm> Heartburn is like a dead family walking through your gut . . .
Cthulhu> There's a man on the... oh too late.
thayer> and he's thinking: wow, i didn't know you could fit an aeroplane in my kitchen.
Ironf> Technically he's the man on the wing of the plane.
Bice> And that's why I killed my wife, your honor.
BryanL> Yep, whether his house is ablaze or not, he's really good at wandering around in his pajamas.
sistahQ> and freddy krueger comes and kills him, the end.
BEMaven> geez, what wide hallways.
BryanL> He's like a pudgy Heenan.
Djenk> wide enough to land a plane in...oh wait...
Ironf> Damn kids and their DC10's, stay off my LAWN!
Cthulhu> The Skipper is having post-tramatic stress sydrome.
BEMaven> 'help me, Doctor. I keep thinking I'm La Guardia Airport.'
BryanL> I have to go out. I've only wandered around in my pajamas.
I haven't driven in them yet.
sistahQ> where is this airport? no one seems disturbed by the
sight of a disheveled old man in his bathrobe.
Bice> They think he's Arthur Dent.
Djenk> Q: Terrorsits usually have better fashion sense..
Cthulhu> Where his towel, then?
sistahQ> oh, i get it. in about 20 seconds time will catch
up, and the langoliers will reappear.
Djenk> Is that expression supposed to be "fear" or
"constipation".....?
BEMaven> and while he's at the airport, his wife has widened
the hallways even more.
Cthulhu> Yeah, he scarafices himself by letting the place crash land on him.
Djenk> You gotta stop this flight, cause I had death premonition brought on by a fever dream caused by peaches and pizza.
Plumm> And now the priest says, "The answer my friend, is blow it out your ass!"
thayer> let me close my robe. at least leave me with my dignity!
Cthulhu> Calvinist Cops.
BEMaven> cops loading him into a UPS truck?
Plumm> "That ain't our department, Safety Sam!"
BryanL> Hah. The little plane is a metaphor for Sun Country.
Cthulhu> So Air Traffic is ignoring the tipsy Cessna pilot?
Bice> I like how he didn't warn his wife, and left her sleeping in the path of the crashing plane.
BEMaven> don't come a knockin', if the truck is a rockin'.
Cthulhu> Dr. Gonzo is giving him lessons.
Bice> Jimmy Buffett's piloting skills.
thayer> personally, if i had that dream i'd just get my wife out of bed and go to denny's for some coffee.
thayer> um, no crash? wtf?
BryanL> So there, you Calvinist cop fuckers! We have no fate but what we make!
BryanL> His wife wakes up to find a combat knife stuck in their picnic table.
Lane Change
Directed by Ken ("Dunston Checks In") Kwapis
BryanL> Lane Change: How Lois became Lou.
Djenk> Kathy "axe-gal" Baker.
sistahQ> large marge: the early years.
Bice> I like how the rain is coming down at different angles on the different sides of the car.
sistahQ> she's picked up mary worth.
Cthulhu> I AM MY OWN KID'S MOM!
my-crow> it's the future her ?
Ironf> Yes.
thayer> just me, or does she have hockey hair?
Ironf> She does have the female mullet.
BEMaven> is this story actually going to lap itself?
Bice> "These roads are full of ghost cars"--"Hold me!"
BryanL> She should have figured this out when she saw the old lady's broken-down SPACE CAR.
BEMaven> so Limbo features motorsports?
my-crow> he's a porn star.
Cthulhu> At least that's what he tells me.
BEMaven> and her life is turned around for the best when she passes the Ghost Tractor Pull.
sistahQ> the all-wedding radio station.
Bice> They played "Highway to Hell" at her wedding.
sistahQ> just gawk at the guys in christine, you'll be fine.
BEMaven> and it ends with her sideswiping James Dean.
Bice> So in the next 15 minutes they wrap it up by having a magnetic ghost in a bathrobe full of old junk give her $200,000. How else are they going to tie together all these lose ends?
BEMaven> this sort of stuff happens when you increase the highway speed limit to 186,000 miles per second.
Bice> It's not really raining, her windshield sprinklers are
just stuck on high.
BEMaven> AAA presents... 'It's A Wonderful Drive'.
sistahQ> so it's only raining when they're in the car?
Cthulhu> Whump! Oh my god! I hit Clark Gable!
BEMaven> why couldn't she have picked up Depak Chopra instead?
sistahQ> bice: or her car's having a really bad day. there's just one big raincloud over the car like in the cartoons.
Bice> She's a Rain God!
BryanL> See, even with all this padding, there's still plenty of time for EVERYONE to get it ahead of time.
sistahQ> heh. all her former selves have crashed. the irony.
Cthulhu> If she's really the old the bag from the future come back to change the past, then there is no need for her to go back in time to change the past.
Ironf> And the universe explodes when they touch.
Ironf> She's talkin' 'bout the woman in the mirror...
BryanL> Explaining it for the four inbred swanfuckers in Idaho, the last people in the country to fucking GET IT.
Bice> Look in the mirror...you'll have to brush the coke lines out of the way, but then look...
BEMaven> 'submitted for your disposal...'
BryanL> Well, I'm fuckin' amazed.
Cthulhu> So, that was Amazing.
Bice> I'm amazed... that crap ever got on TV.
BEMaven> yeah, well maybe i'm amazed...
Djenk> ...at the way you love me all the time? ;)
BEMaven> not in front of the children, Djenk.
THE MONSTER WHO WAS REAL SCARY!
thayer> who's been watching iron chef?
BryanL> I knew I forgot something tonight.
thayer> i was referring to the topic.
thayer> although it's a little off.
* thayer set the topic to: NEXT UP: Amazing Stories VI @ 11:30ET, Saturday, SFC - watashi no kyoku ga tashika naraba, bay-bee.
BEMaven> yeah, well, Klaatu Barada Nikto, angelface.
BryanL> He ate a peach for HOURS.
thayer> peaches and pizza. i'll remember that one.
Bice> He ate Peaches En Regalia.
Cthulhu> Well, I was having one of my cravings.
* Djenk goes to the kitchen for a Burnt Wenie Sandwhich.
BryanL> Uh huh. An airport with 150 gates, but nobody's around at 1am.
BryanL> They must have filmed this in Denver.
Djenk> Bry: No, Denver at 1am is still busy... I've been there....
Plumm> Did you see the freemasonic death mural, Djenk?
Djenk> Plumm: No, I think I missed that....
Plumm> I'll look for a pic of it after I finish reading about how all the MIA/POW people hate McCain because he was brainwashed in NAM.
thayer> but now i must turn to iron chef because it's the exciting MANGO episode
Plumm> It's like a taste explosion, I hear.
Plumm> Sometimes I have the frozen mango bar for breakfast.
BryanL> "Frozen mangoo bar for breakfast"
BEMaven> BTW, i keep whacking my chocolate orange but the damn thing is still moving.
thayer> so that's what you call it.
Plumm> If that's your thing, Bryan.
sistahQ> mave: dose it with almond tea. always works for me.
Plumm> There's a new jerker attachment that automates the process.
Plumm> anyway, djenk, http://www.konformist.com/1999/dia/dia.htm has some of the pictures of the freaky mural.
Djenk> Plumm: I'll check it out
Plumm> The airport is loaded with secret society symbology. The capstone for the DIA is a Masonic symbol, located at the part of the terminal called The Great Hall, which is the Masonic name for their meeting hall. On the Masonic Capstone is inscribed
Plumm> WORLD AIRPORT COMMISSION", a group that, strangely, is not officially known to exist. There are many murals at the airport with apocalyptic themes. Some believe these murals represent a blueprint for the plans of the elites.
Plumm> One of the murals depicts 3 caskets containing dead women, each representing groups the elites may label expendable. One is an African or African-American woman, the other is Jewish, and the third is a Native American. In the same mural is show
Plumm> destruction of city and forest, a little girl holding a Mayan Tablet that predicts destruction of Civilization. Another mural depicts a green giant "Darth Vader" like figure wearing a gas mask destroying a city.
Plumm> In this mural women can be seen carrying dead babies. Another mural depicts a boy collecting weapons from all the other children of the world. The boy has a huge iron fist and is pounding all the weapons into plowshares on an anvil. The boy app
Plumm> o be German.
Plumm> some of you week people's irc programz can't see my larger paste chunks.
sistahQ> i don't wanna see your large chunks, jamie.
Plumm> My chunks give CONTEXT.
sistahQ> sounds like that's something for your doctor to have a look at.
Djenk> Plumm: That dia link is dead.
Ironf> DEAD I TELL YOU, DEAD!