X158 ALLIGATOR (8/13/98)

CROCKS
Directed by Lewis "Ohh Navy SEALS" Teague
Written by Frank Ray "Zoltan, Hound of Dracula" Perilli and John "Alligatropolis" Sayles

MOVIE
Ramon the alligator is flushed down the toilet as a baby, and grows into a gargantuan monster by eating the corpses of laboratory animals who have undergone dubious hormone experiments, thus providing all the ecological and social subtext that one could possibly wish for, even if one doesn't normally go for films about giant alligators eating people left, right and centre - which is the inevitable and tragic result of Ramon's decision that the outside world looks rather more interesting than the sewers. And if you believe that I wrote that after viewing this film, you are soooo high.

DO THE TWIST!

Ironf> That damn gator ate my hand!
Balthayzr> "Graphic Special Effects?" As opposed to non-graphic?
Balthayzr> And Super-Mario takes on LeatherHead.
Ironf> He'll be selling that to 'Faces of Death'
THX-1138> I'll keep him and love him and call him George
Balthayzr> I'm gonna assume this isn't gonna be a "Cute pet and owner" Disney movie.
Ironf> Boy, I bet that comes back to bite him in the ass later in the movie
Balthayzr> Geez, he flushed a perfectly good camera down the john, as well.
THX-1138> He lands in some ooze and meets a giant kung fu rat.
Balthayzr> "The movie that dares tell the truth about gator Flushing!"
Balthayzr> So, what, he's getting hair plugs from the dog?
Balthayzr> Is he Fileting that dog?
Ironf> Poppy, I hope he washed his hands
THX-1138> I love the way that tight shirt accentuates his gut
Balthayzr> He wet his pants, *Then* he was scared?
Ironf> He meets Jerry Springer down there doing another Mole People exclusive
Balthayzr> I thought Sewer Gators were white and blind.
THX-1138> Note, not Frohike.
Balthayzr> What's he doing now, looking for additions to his celebrity fecal collection?
Ironf> Once a gator has had a taste of human flesh, he becomes a man eater
Balthayzr> So, the Sewer has it's own Police Branch?
THX-1138> And there goes the Fluke Man
Ironf> Yes with flippers and aqua-jets on their backs
Balthayzr> "I clocked yer poop doing 65, maam."
Balthayzr> Why is there a tampon dispencer on the wall by the door?
Balthayzr> Wow. I'm learning so much about how the sewer system works.
Ironf> Ahh the invention of the 'comb-over'
Balthayzr> If I ever build a bomb, it's gonna go off when the timer reaches about 2 and a half minutes left...
Balthayzr> And they bump into danny deVito in a tuxedo.
Balthayzr> Ah, thanks for leaving in the delightful spitting scene.
THX-1138> My god, this sewer is filled with psychoreactive slime!
Ironf> Look OUT! Wallet angler!
Balthayzr> Kelly!
Balthayzr> Kelly!
Balthayzr> Kelly!
Ironf> Bud!
Balthayzr> AKIIIIIIIIRA!!
THX-1138> McCloud!
Ironf> NAAAMM!



Ironf> Ahh faux Jaws music
Ironf> umm that's totally wrong to grab another guy like that, even for a joke
THX-1138> Did Carpenter do the score for this?
Balthayzr> "What's the Ten-Code for "Cop Eaten by Monster"?"
Balthayzr> I bet it's just Old man Johnson in a costume,trying to scare people away from the Sewer Treasure.
Ironf> And he would have gotten away with it too,.....
Balthayzr> Uh, wait, he already ate the dog. Suppose the meddling kids are next?
Ironf> Just like a man that is loosing his hair to over inflate how big things are
Ironf> Ahh the posing of photo evidence. That's how them big city reporters work
Balthayzr> I think he got nice, clear pictures for someone getting their head chewed off.
Ironf> and for the camera being submerged in uhh sludge
Balthayzr> You know, why not just poison a cow or two and toss them down? it's not like the water down there's gonna get more polluted...
Ironf> Ahh the vintage Dr. pepper shirts
THX-1138> What does that kids shirt say? I'm a queer?
Ironf> It should
monkeyfingers> nope can't open the door I need to dramatically crawl out the window
Balthayzr> I bet this movie looked real nice on that kid's resume'
Ironf> ahh redneck fishing
THX-1138> Check his piiiiiiiiineal gland.
Balthayzr> Some of the Growth Hormone must have got on his eyebrows.
THX-1138> That guy just yells, Nazi on the run
Balthayzr> Geez, every room in this movie has the same wood paneling and accents.
THX-1138> Mmmm, liquid center.
Balthayzr> Who are these 3, the Black Brady bunch?
THX-1138> Why doesn't he just pull his Glock out!
Ironf> Umm, rifles don't have pump action
Balthayzr> So, gators kill by putting you in their mouths and waiting till you die of hunger?
Balthayzr> She wants to be Karen Allen so bad...
Ironf> He's no George Kennedy
Ironf> Acid kicked in
Balthayzr> The gator's having flashbacks?
THX-1138> The hell? When did this become Tales From the Darkside?
Ironf> They are that smart Balth, THAT SMART!
Balthayzr> So, this is the episode of Miami vice where the gator eats CrocketT and goes on a rampage?
Balthayzr> hey, I remember this. The 3 Stooges show up as Plumbers.
Balthayzr> Nope, I didn't see the handcart under the gator at all.
Ironf> Of course not, this is a movie made by professionals
THX-1138> Gator, you come to me on my daughter's wedding day to ask a favor?
Ironf> Laughable mang, wooooo!
CoffinJoe> Half man, half gator. ALL TERROR!
Balthayzr> And he ate Arnold and a kid on a motorbike.
Balthayzr> Ah, his Anti-poogas mask.
THX-1138> And the zipper sparks ingniting the methane. The end
Ironf> So sewers are blue
Balthayzr> Handbags for everybody!!
THX-1138> And the gator's head goes back and to the right
Balthayzr> I learned absolutly nothing, except about a cool criswell page.
Ironf> I learned to stay chillen ma nigguh!
CoffinJoe> I learned that watching the movie 10 years ago is a good replacement for watching the movie right now.
CoffinJoe> I learned that Conrad Brooks is alive and energetic.
THX-1138> I decided to stop learning things from these movies cause it's summer vacation
Balthayzr> I learned Jaws rip-offs are worse than Alien rip-offs.

DO THE MASHED POTATO
"I refuse to close the sewers! The holidays are coming up, and we'll lose millions!"
"You know an El Dorado?" "The car?" "Naw, the refrigerator."
"Look at the size of this thing"
"Your alligator is a very romantic creature."
"Make sure the manhole is clear!" That sounded dirty...


THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS

In this fine film, the director took care to take an scene with the alligator, then mirror it in some way with his human actors. I hope to be able to more clearly point this out to you in the following examples.





Here in this example, we have the alligator displaying his terrifing teeth and power to intimidate a normal man with just opening his mouth. As you can see, this action was mirrored in the scene to the right.





Here we see our small alligator using all his acting talent to convey his sexuality to the homeviewer. To the right, we see a vaugly Euro-trashy guy hitting on a reporter.






Here we have the alligator running through the streets along side cars dwarfing them. The director uses this to instill fear in the viewer by showing us how large he's grown. On the human side, he used a fat, greasy guy.





Here we have a drawing of a monster sized alligator in order to show how ingrained our fear or overly large reptiles are. On the right, we have someone that used the paper from the picture to roll some pot and smoke it.





And finally we have one of the earliest scenes from the movie. The struggle that the tiny alligator had to face when he was flushed down the toilet. It was this that made it so angry. To the right, we have the man that used the toilet that the alligator surfaced from.




Ironf has flushed a few gators down the tubes. Of course they were brown though.

BA-WHOOSH!