x74 IT'S ALIVE III: ISLAND OF THE ALIVE (2/5/98)

MOVIE
If you've seen that pile of guano known as Jurassic Park: The Lost World, then you are strongly suggested to rent/buy/pilfer/hunt down this movie. That's right, It's Alive III keeps the tradition of original films being far superior to their re-makes (or in this case rip-offs) alive. Moving on, in this third installment in the "It's Alive" film franchise, we once again follow the wacky adventures of TV's ADA Ben Stone of NBC's award winning "Law & Order" as he leads a team of scientists and soccer players to an isolated island located near Cuba. This is the very island where a bunch of mutant hell baby Gigapets from the earlier films have been relocated to. Of course, if you missed the previous "It's Alive" films, It's Alive III offers up a nice helping of backstory. You learn about ADA Stone's brief writing career which consists of a sole tell-all book in which he refers to himself as "The Father of the Monster" and admits to having an affair with Andy Warhol and Truman Capote. Once on the island, the group gets attacked by the hell babies (one of which is Stone's son) who steal the team's boat and take Stone hostage. The babies set Stone adrift on a wooden door allowing him to be captured by the Cubans, who accuse of him of being a spy. The Cubans, who are notorious for hating NBC, decide to let Stone go, sneak him back into the US, and give him a gun and some cigars. Stone is reluctant to leave, but the Cubans slap him on the ass and tell him he is free to go and live among his own. Using his advanced lawyer skills, our brave ADA tracks down his former wife, and hell baby mother, to aid him in his crusade. She agrees and the two search for the escaped hell babies. When they find them, they discover the babies have measles and are dying. A touching moment is exchanged before Stone and his wife decide to adopt a hell baby baby.

DEAD OR ALIVE, YOU'RE RIFFING WITH ME
Jamie> Parent Trap 3: The Wilderness Tour
Jamie> Shelly Long IS Markie Post IN The Park Overall Chronicles!
BillBear> She thinks "Pro Bono" means you felt bad about him dying.
Jamie> Ben Stone is a frustrated DA out for justice... and play. In "The Continental Lawyer!"
Jamie> Harry Anderson IS Ben Stone, Horny Night Court Judge.
Ironf> I think he needs to go back to school. I mean, having to say out loud what you are writting.
Jamie> Dyan Cannon IS Marilu Henner IN The Kate Jackson Story.
BillBear> Not *that* much of a bestseller, apparently.
BillBear> Maybe they can call in some Scanners to clean out the island.
BillBear> From the land of sky blue waters...
THX-1138> Married With Children: The Movie
Jamie> Michael Moriarty IS Al Bundy IN "Married ... With Children: The Motion Picture."
THX-1138> Why don't you give ME service!
Jamie> Wow, this mall set is so realistic.
THX-1138> Stan Lee is signing comics at the comic store.
BillBear> You magnificent bastard, I read your book!
Ironf> Mother of the monster??
* Jamie is all surrealed out.
BillBear> The Director's wife, ladies and gentlemen.
* Ironf shoots out the speaker in the background playing the flute music.
Jamie> Lorne Greene IS George Kennedy AS Hugh Beaumont!
Ironf> So is this Zamfir?
Ironf> So the movie is a bunch of monotone speakers talking alot.
THX-1138> And make sure my black daughter doesn't accidentally end up on this journey.
Jamie> It's Alive III: The Alive Guy's Granpa!
BillBear> El Nino stole my baby.
Ironf> El Nino is the cause of all mishaps.
THX-1138> El Nino prevents the homegame page from being updated on a regular basis.
BillBear> No, that's just because Bow is a big load.
THX-1138> See, most movies would skip right to the action on the island, but no, these movie dares to give you the thrilling boat ride TO the island.
Jamie> This Was No Casting Accident!
THX-1138> I'd prefer a John Williams score over this singing.
Jamie> III-D Sign!
THX-1138> How come Brando didn't greet them luciously?
Jamie> The Island of Dr. Moriarty.
THX-1138> Two Came Back, starring Jon Brandis and Melissa Joan Hart.
Jamie> Do Not Bring Your 3-D Here.
Ironf> We can make them better, faster.
Jamie> I don't swim in your toilet, don't you pee in my waterfall.
Jamie> Eddie Albert IS John Agar IN Women of the Prehistoric It's Alive!
Jamie> GK The Holy Grail 3-D.
Ironf> It's Flukeman!!
THX-1138> Oh, playful gay flirting.
Jamie> Summer Rental 2: Death On The SHores.
BillBear> I bet that could strip the flesh of a cow in seconds!
BillBear> This man's hair is more terrifying than any monster.
THX-1138> This is how a harem girl dances.
Ironf> I think he just caught himself in his zipper is all.
Jamie> Alfred Hitchcock's Lifeboat.
BillBear> The guy was left on mutant hellbeast island, and he's worried about the *sun*?
Ironf> Hey, wanna buy a monkey?
Jamie> The Elephant Man IS Pizza The Gray IN JAWS ALIVE!
THX-1138> Rose...promise me you'll live on.
Ironf> All they gave him was rotten meat and bad milk.
BillBear> Fresh Mutant Hellmother milk
Jamie> o/~ Leeeeebanon! COme to LEbanon!. o/~ Wherre every day is like the Fourth of July.
THX-1138> I think I saw this on Pacific Blue.
BillBear> Meanwhile, nowhere near the Island of the Alive...
Ironf> That was some gnarley cerlery snapping that foley had to do.
Ironf> Pumkinhead NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Jamie> The ALien Puppet was found alive and of foam rubber 20 miles way.
BillBear> My penis! She threw up on my penis!
BillBear> These hellbabies move fast.
Ironf> Jim Henson's Little Hellbabies, coming this fall.
Jamie> Steve McQueen in Bullshit.
Ironf> Are these kin to Scrotor from This Island Earth?
Jamie> IS this really the movie, or am I high?
THX-1138> DAmn. I wanted more slow motion falling through the sky AHHHHHHH shots.
BillBear> Try to breast feed it. Maybe if it eats your nipples it will feel better.
BillBear> It's Alive 4: Ford Taurus of the Alive
Jamie> so, did anyone learn anything from this near-complete HG?
THX-1138> Don't shun your mutant children. Love them and care for their children.
Ironf> I learned that hellbabies are cute in that ugly dog sorta way.
BillBear> I learned that Michale Moriarty is really goofy.
Jamie> I learned that the Feebles alien is less threatening when it's a wuss.

HERE ON HELLBABY'S ISLAND
"I guess my feet are too big for you."
"I'm not that kind of doctor!"
"Maybe it's the environment, but you turn me on."
"Don't pee in the water!"
"You know I feel like a lobster in the tank of a Seafood resturant."
"I was in this bookstore the other day, waaaay in the back by the porn..."
"You're dead bitch!"