x14 Alien³ (9/15/97)

MOVIE
Lt. Ripley once again takes on the little buggers when she crashes on a bleak planet full of ex-cons. Death rears it's head when the cons start showing up in pieces, so Ripley know something is up. Watch as they take on the aliens with an Ewok-like vengence. In the end, Ripley does a terminator swan-dive just to end the misery know as Alien³

URGENT QUOTES PENDING INSPECTION
dungarees> It's the land of hair club for men dropouts
dungarees> Well...I know where *this* little piggy is going
THX-1138> A nudist penal colony? Just imagine how disturbing _that_ would be.
Jamie> He looks at the world through dank-colored glasses.
dungarees> They just don't make good flea and tick collars anymore
BryanL> Hey, dogs don't get hairballs....
BryanL> Smooth TV edit transition, there.
cthulhu> I'm looking for the Golden Child!
BryanL> He's thinking "You know, if you were the last woman on this planet..."
cthulhu> When Skinheads mate.
Jamie> This is why we need that joint NASA-OSHA task force.
skywolf> I made the mistake of starting to watch this
BryanL> Man, Radio Shack -does- have everything.
BryanL> He sat the crap out of that chair... no, that doesn't work.
Q> you know, i saw this once already and i still have no idea what's going on
bowleg> Is this the alien sequel that features gangsta rap over the end credits?
THX-1138> Damn aliens always trying to hitch a ride.
Jamie> So, he went bobbing for poop in the sewers?
Q> so, why are all these guys bald, do we know?

MST HG  M O N S T E R !

ALIEN3

Xenomorph

AKA: Good Ol' Giger's Alien

Kingdom: Classic Monster

Genus: Big Nasty

Species: Biggus Buggus

Special Powers: Acid for blood. Double mouth. Tough. Mean. Nasty. Fast. And somehow capable of sensing when humans are walking, alone, down a darkened corridor, whistling happily to themselves and thinking all is good and just and right in the world. That's when it kills 'em.

Weakness: Sudden temperature changes, so ease the AC up slowly, OK? Oh, and Sigourney Weaver. Then again, I've got a weakness for Sigourney Weaver myself, so who can blame them?

Notes: Director David Fincher tried to make the alien seem new and fresh by having it come out of a dog, walk around on all fours, and run on the ceiling with the camera showing us it's POV, which was oddly reminiscent of a Surge ad shot through a fisheye lens. Whatever. David Fincher went on to become an acclaimed director after this, which just goes to show you how short people's memories are.

BryanL> You see, they're all in prison for buying action figures from Target and selling them on the 'Net for five times their price...
BryanL> You know, even though it's a bunch of people, arguing, near pipes, somehow I'm not as traumatized as I should be.
Q> the only director bold enough to explore the dramatic potential of chicken wire!
bowleg> Alien3 brought to you by the color Brown.
Q> this far into the future and they haven't banned stupid-looking glasses yet. sigh.
THX-1138> Ripley's gonna be pissed when she finds out this is all Urkel's fault.
CerealKiller> yeah, only five more easter eggs to find, wait that's not an egg.
CerealKiller> Ripley, I don't know how to tell you this, but there's a small family of elves living in your stomach.
CerealKiller> and now, a moment of silence as Ripley answers the eternal question: Where's Waldo?
CerealKiller> Alien³ Special Edition: the alien is George Lucas.
CerealKiller> they have no weapons, and yet they have cigarrets
bowleg> Alien3 + Grady = better movie
Jamie> The field trip to the Snickers factory gone horribly wrong.
bowleg> OK, I'm afraid I don't know a single character's name besides "Ripley"
Q> she's takin the nestea plunge
Jamie> This is what happens when they overturn Roe v. Wade.

MOST REVEALING LINES FROM THE FILM:
 "You're all going to die. The only question is how you check out. "
"This is Rumor Control. Here are the facts!"
"Are you attracted to me? "
"Don't be afraid, I'm part of the family. "
"Why the innocent, punished? Why the sacrifice? Why the pain? "
"She won't ever know of the hardship and grief of those of us left behind. "
"We committ these bodies to the void with a glad heart. "
"So I say *fuck* that thing! Let's fight it! "