x19 ABOVE THE LAW (10/11/97)

MOVIE
Steven Seagal. A name that adds up to one thing: searing, blinding, pain. There's simply no need for a man like this in society. Ask yourself, did you ever find yourself WANTING to see Steven Seagal? On a Thursday for example? NO. No human being EVER wants to see, hear, or watch Steven Seagal do anything. But of course, Hollywood continues to not understand this basic truth. They continue to hurt us with films like Under Seige, Under Seige 2, and Under Seige 3: Citizens on Patrol. Supposedly, there is a niche that Steven Seagal neatly fits into. I fail to see it. Anyway, in this complete waste of time, Seagal plays a cliche-stregthening maverick-something-or-other named Nico (and no, he does not sing "All Tommorow's Parties") who fights against drugs and inefficient spending with the help of a sadly wasted Pam Grier. Things explode. Guns are fired. Seagal acts "tough" and comes up with witty bon mots. More things explode. Eventually, he is forced to go "above the law", thus providing us with a title. And just think, this is where it all began. They could have stopped Seagal here, but do they listen to me? No. Henry Silva rounds out the cast as Meyer Lansky.

I SUPPOSE YOU EXPECT QUOTES
nicklby> sadly, though edited for content, two hours of movie remains
bobdenby> Can't we just get ABOVE the law?
dungarees> Oh..I'm afraid I can't deal with those lambchop sideburns...
Merlynn> So he beats the hell out of a bunch of people and calls it a class?
bobdenby> You know, the japanese never would have developed karate had it not been for Steven here...
homerj251> Steven Segeal in "I'M WITH A BUNTCH OF NINJAS"
Djenk> Did not copy..could you speak with more patois please?
dungarees> Steven Seagal IS Betty Ford in Long Day's Journey into Night
Jamie> Seagal's EMPHASIS is like LETTERING in a Snuffy SMITH comic STRIP.
Merlynn> The only constant in a Steve Seagal movie: Steve beats up a bunch of people.
bobdenby> You forget his memorable dialogue.
Merlynn> Dialogue? Here?
Djenk> In the sense that words are spoken during the film, yes there is dialogue
dungarees> Is this a pre-emptive strike against meat going bad?
bobdenby> Generic lumpy guys are called in from all parts of the tri-state area...
Jamie> Who exactly is he working for? Is this part of his ongoing ninja training?
Merlynn> Has anyone understood word one of anything Steve said in the whole movie?
Djenk> Here and there a word or two...I think...
nicklby> I remember something about an engine block, and that's it
bobdenby> I think he said something along the lines of: JHSGfjkgcokecihfiuhewiufhiue fhuihcoke ihiregregr
dungarees> He crouches, He shoots, he changes from white clothing to black clothing
THX-1138> Clearly this role was for DeNiro.
Jamie> I'd like to speak to the coke lawyer alone, please.
dungarees> Take all you want, but choke all you take, Steven
nicklby> Lumpy Cop. He's lumpy, and he's a cop
bobdenby> Forgive me father, for I am a coke lawyer that looks vaguely like Dudley Moore.
Bice> Father, I confess. I've been impersonating an actor.
Jamie> Is it that Seagal prefers the Coke Classic lawyers to the New Coke lawyers?
Merlynn> Steve is covered in the blood of innocents. It is not the first time.
nicklby> now why didn't Seagal/Grier become the next Tracy/Hepburn?
bobdenby> I think I have to mention how I hate those coke lawyers.
cthulhu> When is Steven going to twist someone's wrist like silly putty?
Djenk> So...just a normal day for Nico..driving around...walking into private property & harrasing assorted citizens
Jamie> Christopher Walken's early performances ...
bobdenby> now he's going to shake his hand and predict steven's death
THX-1138> Why is Howie Mandel playing the priest?
Merlynn> That vein sticking out of the villian's head is more interesting than Steve.
dungarees> unlawful entry...is that what you kids are calling it these days?
bobdenby> Door-to-door commisioner gordon!
Jamie> You know, if Nancy Reagan really wanted to fight drugs, she would've pointed out that drug use leads to Steven Seagal movies. A much more powerful and relatable message than JUST SAY NO.
nicklby> I sense the title of the movie is about to be mentioned
bobdenby> Now he'll be able to make going above the law a fulltime occupation instead of a weekend hobby
nicklby> so, how exactly does Nam, coke lawyers, meat packing, Salvadoran refugees, Henry Silva and Lumpy Cop all fit together in this plot?
THX-1138> It's my understanding that this film's script was actually a Mad-Lib.
Merlynn> I think they just kind of filmed a bunch of scenes, ran out of time, money, and drugs, and just put 'em together and called it a movie.
bobdenby> Yes, the buick skylark is equipped to handle all the coke action you might run into
dungarees> Sister Mary...how original
bobdenby> LEAVE THE STAIRS!
dungarees> LEAVE YOUR CORPOREAL BEING
Merlynn> LEAVE THE MOVIE!!!
Jamie> LEAVE THRU THE EXIT!
nicklby> LEAVE YOUR TROUBLES ON THE DOORSTEP!
Jamie> LEAVE IT TO SILVA! (with Jerry Mathers as the Silva)
Merlynn> LEAVE YOUR CASH AND VALUABLES ON THE TABLE!!!
bobdenby> LEAVE EARLY AND LEAVE OFTEN!
Djenk> LEAVE!!! JUST LEAVE!!!
Deganawid> i love that you keep getting acting roles even though you don't deserve them.
nicklby> "Ordinary Buttkicking People"
Merlynn> I hope they try to find out of nuns are combustable.
Jamie> He hates those coke companies.
Jamie> And the coke senators.
Jamie> And those coke Joe Smiths.
bobdenby> And the coke bacon, coke leopards, coke Scientology, coke coke, and coke coke coke
Jamie> And those coke Men's Wearhouse suits.
bobdenby> So I guess now he's stopped the drug trade, prevented the death of a senator, saved all religion everywhere, and sent Henry Silva to hell. Wrapping up a bad action movie means two things: swollen limbs and cold Millwaukee beer.

SALTY BITS OF MOVIE TALK
"Shucks, I hate these coke lawyers."
"Oh, you speak english? How nice."
"I told you guys to have a good time. But take it easy, will ya?"
"I'm going to show you what time is because you're going to do tall time..."
"I heard it from this hooker friend of mine. She's banging this big coke lawyer..."
"I'm going to come back and kill you in your own kitchen!"
"Were you engaging in some kind of unnatural sex acts with that young lady?"
"At least I don't have my face buried up Washington's ass!"
"If you don't hurry I'm going to empty this gun in your butt."
"Think about it. Warm. I LOVE IT!"