x192 COCOON: THE RETURN (12/19/98)

Producer: David "Jaws 2" Brown
Lili Fini Zanuck
Richard D. Zanuck

MOVIE
Cocoon: The Return. Just when you thought growing old was safe. Here we have the players from the first movie making thier glorious return to the silver screen. It's a good thing they rushed this project through before some of the principals died. Stevie Gutt plays Popeye's great-great-great grandson who finds giant taters in the ocean with the help of Brian, the gay alien man. They take them to a big pool to stew. And the old folks just went along for the ride and to walk laps at the pool while other stuff goes on around them. Frankly, I don't remember if they leave with the aliens or not in the end. I really don't care and I'm willing to bet you don't either. And now you know the rest of the story. Good Day!

MY HIP!

BEMaven1> i'm confused. was this sequel direct-to-video...made for tv...factory recall?
Djenk> Gutenberg and Casio jr: A partnership made in hell
BobDole53> mom the tv is making me watch old reruns of the brady bunch again!!!!
THX-1138> Mom, the old people...they're baaaaaaaaaaack.
BEMaven1> why the crappy reception from an advanced civilization?
Djenk> Mom, remember burying grandpa? Well, guess what, you can get a refund on the burial plot...
Ironf> and we all die because there are no whales there
THX-1138> Remember, it's okay to fantasize, as long as you masturbate at the same time
Ironf> My HIP!
THX-1138> Cocoon 2, Weekend at Bernie's Home
Ironf> notice the oatmeal product placement
THX-1138> Pot! Why yes I need it for my eyesight!
Ironf> and now a scene from the upcoming hit "Folks"
BobDole53> Traveling through space can do things to your mind
Ironf> My heart!
THX-1138> Extreeeeeeme walking!
Djenk> My knee!
BEMaven1> my hip!
Ironf> geezer-fu
THX-1138> Old people are so funny.
BEMaven1> ...but they were playing catch with his catheter.
Ironf> It's a Deathship!
THX-1138> This was originally supposed to be a plot for Seaquest DSV
Balthayzr> Have we ever figured out why the aliens steal old people? Are they converted into spaceship fuel or something?
Ironf> Wow, giant potatoes
BEMaven1> 'if your balance is good, baseball is good.'
THX-1138> Yeah, real tough when the ball's not coming at you at 100mph
Ironf> baseball been berry berry good to me
Balthayzr> Did you know that if you say "Steve Guttenberg" in a mirror 5 times, another Police Academy Movie gets made?
THX-1138> I'll try to contact some friends at the police academy and see if they can help
Balthayzr> Moral: Letting strangers touch your kids is a *good* thing.
Ironf> now off for some Andy Griffith porno
Balthayzr> Uh, the old lady is recruiting for the Hale-Bopp group!!
Balthayzr> The Harlem Globetrotters were on the 3rd year of a successful tour before someone pointed out they were all old white men.
Balthayzr> How many free throws do you get for having a grabber?
Balthayzr> Bill Clinton discovers a way to combine the Social Security and Midnight Basketball budgets.
Ironf> MY HIP!
BEMaven1> "Are you my man?" there are other ways of saying that, you know.
BEMaven1> oh, yes. i could spend the whole weekend watching Don Ameche shoot hoops.
Ironf> She's in the Muu-muu of the month club.
BobDole53> you look just like that girl on the street corner
Ironf> elderly whores, just what we needed
Balthayzr> No Justice, No Bypass!
Balthayzr> The final, sad fate of Michael Jackson.
Ironf> Strike Three-You suck
Balthayzr> The Bad News Bears Go To The Nursing Home.
BEMaven1> the Bad News Bears at Golden Pond.
THX-1138> You see, I'm a switch hitter, if you know what I mean
Balthayzr> So, an 80-year-old lady will give birth to, what, a teen-ager?
Ironf> Leukemia Two: Electric Bugaloo
THX-1138> Pac Man game watch! I had one of those!
Ironf> Close Encounters of the Retarded kind
Balthayzr> Communicating thru music!! Wow! No one's ever thought of that!!
BEMaven1> are we watching the whole nine months?
Balthayzr> Fried Green Killer Tomatoes from Outer Space.
BEMaven1> yes, the aliens sent the old folks back for groceries
Ironf> Does anyone in the world even remotly want to see Steve share anything
Balthayzr> And somewhere, Clint Eastwood notices someone has stolen props from his Pink Cadillac set.
Ironf> that's the new Mexi-melt from Taco bell
Balthayzr> This must be that Wilford Brimley porn film I've heard so much about.
Balthayzr> Wasn't there enough money in the budget to give Steve shirts with buttons?
Balthayzr> AHHHHHH! Don Ameche has an Official pencil-thin mustache!!
BEMaven1> what, she's pregnant too?
Balthayzr> Moral: Old people shouldn't have fun, or they'll die. Thank You, and God Bless.
BEMaven1> fine? he just gave her leukemia.
Balthayzr> Good place for a dartboard. Head level, right next to the door.
BEMaven1> on the plus side, there's no Cocoon3 to riff.
Ironf> Coming soon Cocoon 3: The Reckoning
Balthayzr> Nope, nothing suspicious about 2 old guys tip-toeing around a secure army base with a hot babe.
Ironf> It's old man Withers!
Balthayzr> A planet where Brian Dennehies evolved from men????
Balthayzr> So, Steve's part just involved him hanging around the boat for a couple days?
Ironf> Basically they filmed his life and made the movie around it
Balthayzr> And, as a parting gift, the aliens give Steve a polo shirt, so he has no more button worries.
Balthayzr> I learned old folks can olny have fun when aliens give them glowy-thing powers.
Balthayzr> And, I learned "Jaws" is sci-fi.
Balthayzr> And now, wacky Cocoon outakes! Here's where Wilford popped his hip out! Funny!!
BEMaven> I learned that alien cocoons generate unnecessary sequels.
Balthayzr> I learned some people are very, very paranoid.
Ironf> I learned that Cocoon is to old, as porn is to sex.
BEMaven> ...and that Don Ameche's overbite was the inspiration for giger's Alien
Balthayzr> I wonder if the alien spaceship gets "Matlock" re-runs?
Balthayzr> Dolby Stereo? For what? So we get Surround of joints creaking?
Raven-x> We also get in surrond sound every time one of them coughs up a loogie

MY HEART!

"Go Away! Didn't you cause enough trouble the last time?"
"My love is like a really faint pink carnation."
"I slept like a baby."
"Come on and dip your wick."
"What more can I man ask for?"
"Hey look, it's Wad eBoggs." "Yeah how's it hangin Doofus."
"What's the matter, ya pooped?"
"Are you my man?"
"Just a few more inches, Bob."
"Let's slip it off."
"I'm just no good at stuff!"