x238 COOL HAND LUKE (04/11/99)

YA DOWN FIFTY EGGS AND WHADDA YA GET?

Directed by Stuart ("Working in a whole new milieu, boss") Rosenberg

Written by Donn ("Painting an allegory for our time, boss") Pearce and Frank ("Drawing on Biblical antecedents, boss") Pierson

MOVIE
There aren't many 'feel good' movies about Southern chain gangs, so let's give the A&E Channel credit at least for trying.

In its best moments, "Cool Hand Luke" soars like an eagle. It also posseses the eagle's piercing vision. Other remarkable traits of "Cool Hand Luke" include its ability to build a large stick nest in remote areas and its uncanny skill for plucking small rodents from vast fields. And have you ever seen the movie swoop down and snatch a fish from some placid lake? Pretty impressive, huh? Some experts complain that "Cool Hand Luke" will occasionally feed on carrion and steal prey from the osprey, another winged predator. This can easily be explained as jealous spite on the part of the osprey, who secretly wishes it could soar as majestically as the eagle or "Cool Hand Luke".

The film stars that old HomeGame heart-throb, George Kennedy, who aspires to become as shiftless and unfocused as fellow prisoner Paul Newman. He is also in awe of the way Newman can eat 50 hard-boiled eggs and store them in regions of the anatomy normally reserved for vital organs. If only George could learn to love himself as we have grown to love him. It would spare everyone needless pain... and possibly stop film critics from compiling top ten lists.

A LOT OF RUDE NOISES AND A SMELL TO REGRET...
* Balthayzr set the topic to: Now Up: Cool Hand Luke, A&E. Starring the Man, The Myth, The Legend, George Kennedy. And some guy who hawks pasta sauces.
mgrasso> fake front cities... of the ollllllld west.
Rolaid> Well, that's one way to start a movie, destroying parking meters.
Balthayzr> Harvesting the Parking meter crop is a time-consuming task.
mgrasso> anthony zerbe! wow!
mgrasso> this movie's chock full of stars!
BEMaven> half the actors from 'do-waka do-waka' movies of the 70s.
mgrasso> i don't get it, how long could you get in prison for destroying parking meters?
Ironf> "playing grabass"!?!
Bice> Could you repeat the grab ass part again?
Rolaid> That box must be well used.
Balthayzr> 'Oh, lets just say I put you in the Box whenever I bloody well feel like it, OK?'
Ironf> And my name is 'The Box'.
Balthayzr> I demand more "grab-ass" based rules.
BEMaven> 'anyone spitting in the Box will spend a night in the bunk.'
Bice> I demand more Box.
mgrasso> don't we all, bice?
Balthayzr> "Can I inhale, Boss" -- "Yes" -- "May I exhale, Boss?" -- "Yes."....
mgrasso> they're all wearing Adidas pants?
Bice> This one is supposed to actually be a pretty good movie, isn't it?
mgrasso> well, yeah.
Ironf> It won awards.
mgrasso> then again, titanic won oscars too.
Balthayzr> 'Hey! I didn't say you could die! That's a week in the Box!'
mgrasso> all right. beans and cornbread!
Rolaid> I wouldn't want to be stuck in a truck with these guys after eating beans.
BEMaven> all those skins... doesn't anyone want to play on the shirts team?
Cthulhu> Oven roasted red-neck.
Ironf> one slopjar and one can of water. Don't confuse them.
mgrasso> the humiliation factor of wearing the nightgown is the actual punishment.
Balthayzr> You have to wonder about a Southern prison with no black prisoners. What, are the nation's chain-gangs having a Busing program?
Rolaid> Here comes the scene that makes the whole movie worthwhile!
Ironf> and now aerobics.
mgrasso> ok, so... let's review. this chick willingly goes out in front of a chain gang and washes her car? issues....
Cthulhu> She turns... and it's really a man!
Bice> Asking the Man for a broom gets you a night in the box, but oogling women is fine.
mgrasso> no, not a cocktease AT ALL.
BEMaven> i feel strangely oily...
Balthayzr> I have the strange urge to PICK UP THE PHONE!!!
Balthayzr> Bikini Chain Gang Car Wash.
mgrasso> talk dirty to me, GK.
Balthayzr> I often go outside in my cut-offs and wash my car in front of Road crews.
Bice> The tits-on-glass bit at the end was vital to the integrity of the film. Or else the director was just getting his jollies.
BEMaven> how often do they pave over you, Balth?
Balthayzr> Twice a week, BEM.
Ironf> GK beating the shit outta Newman.
Balthayzr> I demand this be the rest of the movie.
Cthulhu> That's for your crappy spaghetti sause....
mgrasso> bitter recriminations.... weird stares.... mindless jumpcuts... the life of cool hand luke.
Bice> That's not really blood on his face. It's Newman's Tomato sauce.
Balthayzr> I don't wanna know why George gets to carry him off....
Cthulhu> Beer... on a chain gang?!?!?!?
mgrasso> how progressive... they drink urine for its health properties.
Balthayzr> It's Zima, Cth - Part of their Punishment.
Cthulhu> "My boy"?
Ironf> I bet it hurt to have a full grown 30 year old man.
BEMaven> 'hey, Mom... willya wash a car for me and the boys?'
Cthulhu> This had better not be a conjectual visit.
Balthayzr> Somebady mailed GK a Kathy Bates!
mgrasso> somehow, i doubt the reality of this... grizzled cons having their moms visit... what about the furtive blowjobs behind the toolshed? -- "receive fellatio, boss?"
mgrasso> move the scene along, boss?
Cthulhu> End the movie, boss?
Rolaid> Who's your daddy, boss?
Ironf> People around here need to be shined.
Balthayzr> Never say "Take a shine" in a Southern prison.
Rolaid> How come this is such a tender moment, when all he did was decapitate parking meters while drunk?
BEMaven> she took off with a "convertible fellow"? sayyyyy...
Ironf> He had a fliptop head.
mgrasso> he's a mama's boy... that'll improve his standing with the prisoners.
BEMaven> i never, never want my Mom visiting me on the flatbed of a truck.
BEMaven> tar on bare topsoil. brilliant.
mgrasso> ok, am i missing the tension here?
* Plumm has joined.
Plumm> so what manner of oily GK chain gang action have i missed?
Ironf> plumm you missed a shirtless GK beating the tar outta Paul.
Balthayzr> "In the News, GK beat the Living tar out of Paul and paved a road with it."
Balthayzr> EGGS!
mgrasso> btw folks, remember.... eggs4industry.com
Ironf> "No body can eat fifty eggs."
mgrasso> "coconut head"?
Balthayzr> You think GK has thought out the reprocutions of being chained-up with a guy who has eaten 50 eggs?
Ironf> it takes up an hour of the 2 and a half.
Balthayzr> The secret is to remember to shell the eggs before you eat them.
mgrasso> or liquefy them, and drink 'em.
BEMaven> 'i will not eat them with Paul Newman. I will not eat them with anyone human...'
mgrasso> the egg suite by glenn gould.
BEMaven> 'i will not eat 50 eggs and ham.'
mgrasso> o/~ lovely eggs... wonderful eggs... o/~
BEMaven> joe don baker?
Balthayzr> Hard-boiled eggs? He can float himself and GK to Vermont.
Plumm> I am GK, Peeler of Eggs.
Plumm> they're not scrambled or anything, huh?
Cthulhu> He must have a singularity in his stomach.
mgrasso> this is SO joe don. how could i not have seen him?
Balthayzr> GK and Joe Don need to make a Buddy Cop Movie.
mgrasso> 'cholesterol and lard. they're cops.'
mgrasso> you know, none of paul newman's sauces or dressings use any eggs or egg by-products.
BEMaven> the only thing that can redeem this scene is a baby alien popping out of paul's stomach.
Cthulhu> KA BOOOM
BEMaven> so that's his secret... he dies eating them.
mgrasso> the christ-figure. after eggs.
Balthayzr> So, the way to cow a prison bully is to choke down eggs?
Cthulhu> 'I like him... he's silly.'
BEMaven> what happen to his egg gut?
mgrasso> he worked off the eggs with GK that night... ifyaknowwhatimean.
mgrasso> what's with the foghorn leghorn music?
Balthayzr> His Mother's dead. She choked on an egg-salad sandwich.
mgrasso> and now, frankie avalon! er, i mean, paul newman.
my-crow-soft> "... as long as i got a plastic jesus"
BEMaven> Paul, for the love of god, give the banjo to Harry Dean Stanton.
mgrasso> or joe don.
Balthayzr> Yes, Dr. Demento songs always cheer me up after a family death.
BEMaven> joe don would just eat the banjo.
mgrasso> with butter.
Plumm> it's a religous song, balth.
my-crow-soft> paul newman : unplugged
Rolaid> "Nearly a Nasty Accident" (Oh, the Irony)
BEMaven> i just hope he was unplugged after eating 50 eggs, my-crow.
BEMaven> if joe don ate the 50 eggs, he would have gotten the oscar.
Balthayzr> And ate that.
mgrasso> 'ah thought this was chocolate underneath! *murp*
Cthulhu> His mom dies and HE gets the box?
Balthayzr> Eh, the Box isn't so bad. It gets cartoon Network.
Cthulhu> DId I just see Joe Bob in his underwear? OH MY GOD!!!!
BEMaven> it's scary to think that half this cast will show up in later movies wearing bell bottoms and polyester.
Balthayzr> 'They wouldn't be chasing us if you didn't turn on that get-a-way music!!'
Cthulhu> Now Luke is MacGuyver?
Balthayzr> Yes, I bet black kids in the South bring axes to strange white men all the time.
TLister> I need a tampon and 3 bags of fertilizer.
Cthulhu> This is not the time to do that self-circumcision, Luke.
Plumm> actually, balth, people in the south are pretty laid back about axes and things.
BEMaven> something wrong. chase music... but no one's running.
mgrasso> hey, it's GKAS magazine! inaugural issue!
Ironf> Don't hold a rolled mag like that GK.
Plumm> retards. the guard is gonna demand to see the picture.
BEMaven> "you liable to get ideas and pass out." much like the director.
Bice> Dennis Hopper is in this?
mgrasso> i think he was black kid #2
Ironf> He's right to the left of the camera in that over the shoulder shot.
Balthayzr> Aw, how nice. The Boss gave him his own dirt!
mgrasso> the new espn2 spectator sport: ditch digging.
Plumm> what's supposedly in the ditch?
Rolaid> They're just working the hell out of him.
Balthayzr> Do you really want to teach an escaped prisoner how to dig holes?
BEMaven> 'ain't no grave gonna hold my body down'? is that supposed to cheer Luke up?
Rolaid> You know, that's an awful lot of dirt for a hole that size.
mgrasso> oh, it's all one big attempt to christianize him.
Balthayzr> 'Do you promise to never become a NASCAR Driver?'
BEMaven> by now, i would have probably have run out of the movie theater screaming.
Cthulhu> Do you promise not to make salad dressing?
BEMaven> actually, the egg eating would have had me clocking 40 out of a theater.
Balthayzr> I love Newman's new Salsa. Has a nice racist picture of Newman with a bandito Mustache and Sombrero on the cover. Very nice.
Bice> BEM: And screaming like a banshee?
BEMaven> never heard a banshee scream, Bice. just one that muttered.
Rolaid> So Newman's become a wuss now.
Cthulhu> I bet you Winston Smith is his new bunk mate.
mgrasso> suddenly, coleman francis, tony cardoza, and harold saunders come over the next ridge.
mgrasso> no one will be admitted to the theater during the last ten minutes of COOL HAND LUKE.
BEMaven> just let me out!
*BEMaven hammers on the doors.
Rolaid> Permission to leave the theater, boss?
Cthulhu> Nope.
BEMaven> please, i got my mind set right!
Cthulhu> You is gonna watch the rest of this 'ere movie, or you is gonin' in the box!!!!
BEMaven> hell. i brought my own box!
Cthulhu> What he have here is a failure to communicate.
* BEMaven takes the shoes out of the box and climbs in.
BEMaven> somebody close the lid, please?
* Rolaid closes the box and tosses it in the trash.
Rolaid> BEM, send me a post card sometime when you get out.
BEMaven> i still hear the movie.
Bice> That ceiling won an Oscar for best supporting structure.
Rolaid> How did GK know where he is?
Plumm> gk knows all.
Balthayzr> Followed the egg farts.
Ironf> BLAM!
Bice> Dammit, just as he makes his big dramatic speech, he gets shot.
mgrasso> the lesson right now: don't cut the heads off parking meters.
mgrasso> nice spaz scream GK.
Ironf> GK rules, others drool.
Balthayzr> Uh, why is Newman glowing red?
Rolaid> He's a Plastic Jesus.
Cthulhu> So the Shawshank didn't get redeemed.
Ironf> Paul has the mutant power of the red light district.
Plumm> ah, gk, you did such a good job saving him.
mgrasso> ah, wet crotch to end the movie.
Ironf> That's the way to end a movie, soggy GK batch.
Cthulhu> It is the ending to Gunga Dinn.

SO BOSS DON'T CALL ME WHILE I HAFTA GO...
"Any man loses his spoon spends a night in the Box."
"You stupid mother-head!"
"Any man playin' grab-ass or fightin' in the building spends a night in the Box."
"I'd like to oblige you, Arletta, but uh, right off, I just don't know where to put my hands on it."
"Any man turns in the wrong sheet spends a night in the Box."
"When it comes to the law, nothin' is understood...I'm his official egg-peeler. That's the law!"
"Any man caught smokin' in the prone position in bed spends the night in the Box."
"What we gotta do is stretch that little ol' belly of yours. Get all this stuff out of the way."
"Any man with dirty pants on sittin' on the bunks spends a night in the Box."
"Still shakin' it, boss, still shakin'. I'm shakin' it, boss."

'CUZ I'M EMPTYIN' MY SOUL THROUGH THE PRIVY HOLE
"You got questions, you come to me."
--Floorwalker Carl

In all the hoopla over the performances of the divine George Kennedy and that second-stringer Newman, audiences sorely neglected the unsung hero of "Cool Hand Luke".... Floorwalker Carl.

Despite his gruff, no-nonsense demeanor, Carl always had time for the problems of his charges. He was even thoughtful enough to read adult literature to his boys.

Now, through the virtue of our digital age, you too can benefit from Carl's homespun knack for caretaking.

Here's one surfer who found comfort in the sage advice of Carl...