X157 BLADESQUAD (8/12/98)
ROLLERBOYS
Directed by Ralph "America's Most Wanted" Hemecker
Written by W. Peter "Skates" Iliff
MOVIE
Only once in a while does such a special person such as W. Peter Illiff come around." He was the man responsible for
"Prayer of the Rollerboys", "Point Break", "Patriot Games", "Blade Squad", and "Varsity Blues". Word is that he tried to get rollerblades into "Patriot Games", but Clancy would have nothing of it. In his opinion, Jack Ryan wasn't the blading type. I think that was rather short sided. Blade Squad, however, features plenty of hot rollerblade action that we have all come to crave in our daily lives. The Blade Squad is a group of 30-something gen-x-ers that are crimefighters in their leisure time. They have ACME rocket rollerblades that allow them to keep up with the ultra speedy crook of the future. In this version of the future, there is a criminal that is out to do something really bad that draws the blade squad to him. Unfortunatly, Parker Lewis does lose and he pulls a coyote and does a header into a brick wall with the rocket skates going full tilt. What a tard.
Well the rest of the corp put thier full effort to putting away this evil, evil man, portraited by professional wrestler "The Urinator". In the end, they shoot and catch him, blah blah blah.
ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN' LIKE A RETARD
Ironf> Not a movie, but an incredible simulation
Ironf> We now bring you back to a 14 year old's dream
BEMaven> The only guy who wouldn't fit in is a real actor.
Ironf> So now a bunch of burn patients are robbing a joint
dungarees> This is like 21 Jump Street without the Peteriffic balm.
BEMaven> I'm guessing the Foley operator has passed out drunk.
CoffinJoe> My goatee doesn't agree with you.
dungarees> Why, exactly, did I need to see his in-motion, leather-clad butt from that angle?
KevinL> Of course, the Blade Squad always skates single-file, so one decent sniper with a .308 could take 'em all out with one shot.
CoffinJoe> So are we all energized by this guitar rock?
KevinL> Yeah, you can shift and brake a crotch-rocket like that while wearing rollerblades.
Ironf> Now some soft rock
Ironf> The only saving grace is the head bad guy wears a yellow wrestling mask
KevinL> I kind of like the fact that one of the Blade Squad is an alky ex-hooker.
Ironf> ohh street preacher
KevinL> I'm a little confused. Since when does physical exertion put any strain on one's brain?
Ironf> groove out to the sounds of a turkey call
KevinL> It's perfect for seeing naked girls.
KevinL> Um, your head -is- in a cage, dude.
BEMaven> Smart move. He slept through a good 30 minutes of plot.
BEMaven> The Doctor told him he can't make love anymore.
Ironf> In the future 60% of all clothing is black
Ironf> I take it "Jojo" is the ex-whore
KevinL> Jojo, the dog-faced Blade COp.
dungarees> Jojo Hoho your life is calling
KevinL> Oh yeah. Glocks. There's a safe weapon to carry when you're blading along at 30 mph.
BEMaven> you mean, he's his own father?
KevinL> Hey, he's already scouting a replacement for the paralyzed cracker. Cool.
Ironf> Well, O/~ I am my own grandpa, I am my own grandpa O/~
BEMaven> If anyone told me I was born for Blade Squad, I'd kill him where he stood.
KevinL> What is it with you and Shirley Manson's pie-hole, leg?
* dungarees backs away slowly
KevinL> Tonight's episode is apparently brought to us by Glock, Inc., Smyrna GA, 30313.
Ironf> Do the fox people take submissions, cause I would like to submit that this is a piece of trash
It is at this point that most everyone's higher brain functions shut themselves off to protect their inner workings. Once the "show" was over, everyone slowly regained concousness and have lived a happy, fairly normal lives, except that we all crave machine oil from time to time..
INSERT SOMETHING FUNNY HERE
"Come on man, you're givin' me trash."
"A random tandem of reckless abondon."
"I've got a few details I've got to marinate on."
"Everybody lay off the jets."
"No law against being a dip *HONK*"
"The doctor said I can't make love no more. My head might blow a gasket. *pop*"
QUIZLETS
Once again, a film maker, instead of making sure they had a tight script, they decieded to put in a pro-wrestling element. This is a rather shameful attempt and garnering the huge pro-wrestling fan base to help put over thier new show and make a series of it. I'm sure that once the show went into series, the wrestling aspect would have been dropped.
They couldn't even afford a big-name wrestling star like your Hogan, Piper, or Lister. Instead they went for "The Urinator", a wrestler with a rather short lived career. His finishing move, which electrified all the crowds at the time was "The Liquidator", a diving headbut to the bladder area of the stomach. Many an opponite was left dripping wet in the ring. He debuted down in the South in April of '84 to a packed house. He promptly interjected himself in all the major storylines, but eventually he began fueding with The Blue Chip, a "mystic" wrestler that derived his power from those blue urinal cakes.
Click for larger view
Ironf has never eaten the big blue mint.
BEEP BEEP
