x350 THE 30 ft BRIDE OF CANDY ROCK (01/14/2000)

INERT ELEMENTS

Casualties from this movie were unusually high...

Director Sidney Miller would never helm another episode of "The Mickey Mouse Club".

First screenwriter Rowland Barber struggled valiantly to get back into the good graces of film critic Pauline Kael by writing "The Night They Raided Minsky's".

Second screenwriter Arthur A. Ross watched helplessly as his script "Satan's School For Girls" was adapted for television... twice.

Story writers Irving Block and Lawrence L. Goldman were run out of town by an angry, confused mob who thought the duo were adapting "Viking Women And The Sea Serpent" into a stage musical starring Joan Crawford.

Lou Costello, the ill-fated star of this debacle, died before the film's premier. His passing paved the way for the Jerry Lewis and Don Knott dynasties of insipid, juvenile comedy.

MOVIE
Wrenching free of his chemical bond with straightman Bud Abbot, funnyman Lou Costello chose for his solo debut a comedy inspired by contemporary Quantum Theory. He was deeply affected by the Super Silly String Hypothesis of Immanuel Velikovsky, which maintained that the fundamental elements of the universe were not only random, but downright zany.

Lou essays the role of Artie Pinsetter, a collector of non-recyclables who takes the process of inventing down to its primal level by heaping loose junk and dialogue together. He hopes to convert Max, his talking carpet shampoo machine, into a transwarp drive. Dorothy Provine is Emmy Lou, a stray particle of a maiden who slides into Costello's orbit due to his heavier gravitational displacement. Filling out the void as Emmy Lou's blustery uncle is actor Gale Gordon. Branded as free radicals by family and friends alike, Costello and Provine are driven out into the desert just as the U.S. Army bombards the area with their full arsenal of positively-charged phallic metaphors. It all evens out at the climax while the fate of the entire world hangs rather limply. Oh, and Provine is exposed to a mysterious cloud which makes her grow to five times her normal size. It could be important.

OUR DISTINGUISHED PLAYERS

WEAK FORCE
WryGrin> Is he inventing pop tarts?
Ratbert> Cause all true scientists eyeball their measurements.
Balthayzr> I didn't know Lou was the 4th Iron Chef.
Trademark> He's looking for a cure for gin blossoms.
BEMaven> wait, he's drinking Lexan.
Ratbert> He seems to be in denial he has no partner.
WryGrin> the dog just out acted lou.
Balthayzr> He invented the Pettycoat Junction dog?
BEMaven> he spayed a CB radio? what a genius.
Trademark> Is there *anyone* else in this film?
Ratbert> trash man. he can start by hauling this movie away.
Balthayzr> He's practising for the rear-projection shots, there.
BEMaven> he never goes anywhere without his super Popamatic dice.
Ratbert> I don't want to see Costello's rear projection!
Ironf> Mooney.
Balthayzr> Lucille!
Balthayzr> Banker? He got typecast quickly....
Bice> Has he ever played anything other than a bank owner?
BEMaven> well, he played a savings and loan owner. it was quite a stretch.
WryGrin> You will believe a grown man can skip.
Trademark> Oh, they filmed a rehearsal!
Ratbert> Gale Gordon, great character actor...if only he could find a SECOND character to play.
Balthayzr> Why is Lou wearing a catholic grade school tie?
Bice> He's building a death ray.
Trademark> He's going to PUMP UP THE VOLUME.
BEMaven> Lou planted Bud's brain in that rug cleaner he's carrying around.
Balthayzr> NOT a bleached blonde.
Ironf> Ellie May's understudy.
Trademark> Find the starlet wannabe in this scene and win!
BEMaven> is she the token cokehead of Candy Rock?
Ironf> Nose candy Rock.
BEMaven> i don't know how Lou managed it, but his fly is open at the shirt collar.
Ironf> You could hear him holding back the Aaaaabott.
Bice> So we're just supposed to accept that 60 year old Costello is dating a 20 year old?
SciTie> So he loads her body into a can then heads out the desert.
Bice> Er, make that a 30 year old.
Trademark> He wanted another kid to replace the one who drowned. Nowadays it's called "The Clapton Manuever."
Bice> 30 year old Romulan.
Balthayzr> "Maximum Vibrator"? Saaaayyyyyy.....
SciTie> Ahh give me the old days, when foxy blondes dug us chubby guys.
Bice> That's gonna bring a monkey with a space helmet out of the cave.
BEMaven> "don't work on that now, Artie" as she zips his fly back up.
Balthayzr> Lou finally finds the cue cards.
Bice> Their close-ups were apparently filmed on different days.
Trademark> 'Danger, career. Danger!'
Balthayzr> 'Stay out of there! That's where I buried my other girlfriends!!'
Balthayzr> "Something awful is happening to me!" I'd say.
Balthayzr> She's become Sally from Third Rock!
Trademark> The Amazing Colossal Nobody!
Ironf> "I'm soo big"
Bice> That's a hell of a lot more than 30 feet.
Trademark> 'Am I fat?'
Balthayzr> Village Idiot of the Giants.
EvilJen> why is costello skipping?
Ironf> He's peppy.
BEMaven> so he uses highway cones to make her pasties.
SciTie> wouldn't you be if you were going to vist a 30 foot naked blonde?
Plumm> so, how about a recap?
Balthayzr> Lou made his girfriend big. Mr. Mooney hates Lou.
Trademark> Lou bumbles. Girlfriend lives large.
Bice> Costello screwed up the line, but the take was just too good to lose.
Balthayzr> Uh, Lou? We usually look *up* at giant people.
SciTie> It's the Colombia girl.
SciTie> Imagine the exciting wedding night.
Balthayzr> He's in big trouble if she likes to be on top.
BEMaven> and, Plumm, Costello gave sentience to a rug cleaner.
EvilJen> the wedding night will probably be pretty dull for Lou... unless he's really good at climbing.
EvilJen> maybe he can get a really big sponge.
SciTie> Guess where Lou's gonna nap tonight?
thurdl01> The wedding night doesn't go well when she's unsatisified by his size.
Trademark> His sperm don't stand a chance, fortunately.
WryGrin> where'd she find lipstick?
Balthayzr> Cut off a guys head, rubbed the neck on her lips.
BEMaven> does she always puff up like that during her 'time of the month'?
EvilJen> not barbie accessories AT ALL.
WryGrin> no, really, she's a giant.
Trademark> So the eggs are the size of basketballs to Lou.
Bice> Apparently when she got big, her head turned into a reverb chamber.
BEMaven> not just her head, Bice... but i've said too much.
Ironf> She needs some sausage.
Balthayzr> Eat Lou. Ham is low in cholestrol.
EvilJen> some hot spicy polish sausage, baybee.
Plumm> Oh, the old guy, he was in... something.
WryGrin> he's feeding her blanks?
thurdl01> well really just 28 feet, four inches...
BEMaven> 30 feet in heels.
Bice> Wow, this is even *worse* than the average Lucy plot.
Balthayzr> 90-pound hot dog? Guess Lou *was* too small....
SciTie> that means her breasts are ... WOW!
Ironf> Higher pornographic mathematics.
Balthayzr> The entire US army comes out to assist!
thurdl01> Why can't they ever play *peace* games?
Balthayzr> Army wargames? This whole movie is pieced together from old Yogi Bear cartoons.
BEMaven> 'you're looking down my blouse, aren't you?'
SciTie> Honey your hips are huge.
BEMaven> they're birthing hips, SciTie.
thurdl01> Army man, he's planning to drive under her dress for sure.
Balthayzr> And she remembers she's late for her WNBA try-outs.
thurdl01> "Yucca Yucca"?
WryGrin> don't lift that leg, corporal.
Balthayzr> And Lou gets upstaged by the Pachinco machine again.
WryGrin> Oops... I sat on a cow.
thurdl01> 'this is traffic cam one and...oh my GAWD'
Bice> Lou's fantasy - hosing his naked wife off in a barnyard.
Balthayzr> See? Never get your 30-foot bride wet or feed her after Midnight.
Ironf> "No! Don't grow!!"
Plumm> She was on Maury as a child.
SciTie> Was he looking up or down when he said don't grow?
Plumm> Ion living is the life for me!
thurdl01> 'I always wanted to have sex with a taller woman.'
SciTie> He must be gay if he's never seen anything like that before.
Plumm> And folks, let's all recall that the US Army has since radically lowered their recruitment requirements.
BEMaven> what the hell is a giant rubber life raft doing in a desert town?
Balthayzr> Gee, think she's gonna wander into town and terrorize Uncle? No, that would be trite, wouldn't it?
BEMaven> yeah, she's a bit old for growth spurts.
Bice> So did they ever give even a hint of what made her grow in the first place?
thurdl01> Yes, watering her makes her grow... of COURSE.
BEMaven> Helium, Bice.
Bice> Oh, she's Kathy Ireland?
Balthayzr> See, here is where you need that full-body condom.
Balthayzr> And Scarlett O'Hara car-jacks him.
BEMaven> town slut and driving instructor rolled into a D cup.
thurdl01> Is it really too hard to say "I'm married"?
SciTie> I'm married but, the sex, it just ain't.
Bice> Attack of the 50 ft jealous bitch.
Balthayzr> I bet Lou had this trouble all the time.
Trademark> So, she burns her bra and the county goes up with it.
Bice> Even with the extra bass, her voice is still high, whiny and annoying.
SciTie> Just go get me a 5 foot candle.
Balthayzr> Would it be wrong of me to ask how she's shaving her armpits and legs?
SciTie> with a sycle
BEMaven> John Deere product, Balth.
Bice> What is it about gigantism that turns people evil?
SciTie> and the rest is Roswell history.
Bice> "It"? She's pretty obviously a she.
Balthayzr> I'm glad thay called out the army to stop this movie.
thurdl01> Of course, "monster from another planet" is the most logical answer.
BEMaven> when will he ever get Max, the Deus ex Machina, working?
thurdl01> I picture this remade starring Jim Carrey and Angelina Joile.
Bice> He moves like a gazelle, that Lou Costello.
BEMaven> with Carrey as the 30 ft bride, thurd?
thurdl01> Oh, he can time travel now?
Balthayzr> OK, why not go to the past and stop the accident?
thurdl01> Cue the Benny Hill music.
* Balthayzr explodes in a cloud of logic.
Plumm> Still this is better than The Flintstones Meet the Jetsons.
BEMaven> he went airborne due to his flatuence?
Trademark> LoumaMan!
Balthayzr> The Most Mediocre American Hero.
thurdl01> Did they just stop caring?!?
BEMaven> Hunter S. Thompson wrote this movie under an alias, didn't he?
Ironf> He's not on a harness at all.
Trademark> Clearly, this is the sort of thing that Costello dreamed of often in his drunken sleep.
BEMaven> 'respect! respect for the gods!'
WryGrin> Did anyone ever pay to see this film?
Balthayzr> That was the answer! Turn off the rear projector!
Ironf> I hope not.
Bice> Only with their souls, WG.
thurdl01> So, her clothes earlier wouldn't grow with here, but this clothing shrinks with her...
Ironf> He made her smaller so that... other things would look bigger.
Bice> Random dialog. Wonderful.
Balthayzr> Lou and the Gereral start reading from different pages of the script.
Balthayzr> The moral is: Never leave Abbott.
Bice> Well, that gets my vote for worst homegame ever.
WryGrin> What a horrible, horrible movie
thurdl01> But it surely won Oscars, right?
BEMaven> it won an Oscar for having the longest running out-takes.
BEMaven> and an Oscar for Most Lethal To A Comedian's Career.
Balthayzr> And Most Lethal to a Comedian.

UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE
"I don't know how you got her out."
"It's not because I don't like you. It's because I loathe you".
"Something awful is happening to me."
"I am not from Mars!"
"No! Don't grow!!"
"Down with your trees!"
"The Army? What do they have against marriage?"
"Max, you've thrown me a time curve!"

STRANGE MATTER
Trademark> Unusual Occupations!
Balthayzr> Being a cactus is an unusual occupation.
Trademark> 'Sculpting on peyote.'
Balthayzr> 'Yes, that's what I'm doing with 5 tons of Peyote, officer. Sculpting it.'
thurdl01> The Moth family officially has too much time on their hands.
WryGrin> Norman Anus?
SciTie> Yes. he's an illegal ivory dealer.
Balthayzr> This man tickles Ivory. Literally.
thurdl01> A personable young lady who can barely keep her dress on.
BEMaven> she looks like she's sitting on a tusk right now.
Balthayzr> Floyd the Barber creates handmade dildos.
thurdl01> Awwwww.
* thurdl01 loves armadillos, they're cute.
Balthayzr> This man makes Texas chili bowls.
Trademark> Sexing armadillos.
BEMaven> he hollows out Amardillos to make knee pads.
Balthayzr> Uh, you don't grow armadillos by planting them.
BEMaven> you too can turn animal cruelty into a fun hobby.
thurdl01> I don't know why, I just like armadillos.