x386 13 GHOSTS (01/28/2000)

UH, OH... ILLUSION-O!

Written by Robb ("Stop touching my leg") White

Produced and Directed by William ("I'm not touching your leg") Castle

MOVIE

No, it's not THAT film. We're concerned with the one made in 1960 by William Castle, the huckster who was notorious for invading the personal space of movie-goers. Having already experimented with inflatable skeletons on wires and electrified theater seats, he suckered wary audiences with his offer of free "ghost-viewer" glasses with this film's release. Worn correctly, the glasses convinced people they were peering through rectangular holes in cheap pieces of cardboard.

Castle hoped the movie would serve as a springboard for a television sitcom about a typical American home that was haunted by tiresome Vaudeville acts. The cast would feature a doltish father with a doctorate in avoiding conclusions, a drab mother with less substance than most ghosts, a chirping daughter who did her flirting through a Ouija board, and a precocious boy who could make money appear by sliding down bannisters.

Unfortunately, this ensemble proved so annoying that the film makers threw in a shifty lawyer as a manifestation of everyone's desire that the entire family be murdered in their sleep. Both the story and the production ended abruptly, a reflection of how anxious William Castle was to move onto other projects... like collaborating with the CIA in a plan to lace theater popcorn with LSD.

OUR DISTINGUISHED PLAYERS...

HOUSE-ITOSIS
Balthayzr> PERCEPTO!
Ironf> EMERGO!
* Balthayzr gets a mild shock thru his chair.
Ironf> "Illusion-o"
mgrasso> they need bingo, where bing crosby would come and smack you like he did his son gary.
WryGrin> paintball.
Bice> Oh no, performance art.
mgrasso> what do you see in this ink blot?
Plumm> Woo, Splatterhouse!
THX-1138> Someone is having their menstruation on the camera.
Balthayzr> Someone filmed a carny orgy?
BEMaven> ah, the memorable love theme to 'Succubus'.
mgrasso> and the theme music just kinda gives up.
Bice> Credits are over? Well then just cut off your orchestra.
mgrasso> see, that's the secret fossil pokemon awwwwh.
Bice> These are the dinosaurs who didn't listen when their mothers told them to eat.
THX-1138> 'Shut up, old man. We just want to see Mr. DNA.'
Plumm> 'Just imagine how big they crapped!'
Ratbert> Damn roving bands of movers.
BEMaven> 'honey, they repossessed half the foreground.'
Bice> Happy Birthday Fuck?!?!
Ironf> Good thing they had enough icing for all of that B.
BEMaven> 'mom, why do the looters always arrive on my birthday?'
THX-1138> 'How about I eat the cake off your breasts?'
WryGrin> 'Get off my damn back about the wish!'
Balthayzr> 'I wish 13 ghosts would come and kill you all!'
mgrasso> the kid looks kinda neanderthal.
Ratbert> And I wish I were a real boy! And I wish you all to the corn field!
Trademark> ...and he wishes his sister's mouth off.
BEMaven> and they get a house full of furniture... and every piece is wired with PERCEPTO!
Ratbert> And I wish we could afford proper lighting for our scenes!
Balthayzr> It's Mini-Creeper!
mgrasso> western mutant telegram!
Balthayzr> 'Dear sir, Get on with it. Signed, the audience.'
BEMaven> 'Aw, they repossessed the background too.'
mgrasso> wow, the way she says "daddy"... ahem.
Bice> His secret wish was for parents who aren't LOADS.
Plumm> 'You'll have to live in a glass house and fuck like monkeys in front of a bunch of anthro students.'
Bice> It's his gum collection.
WryGrin> a kilo? cool.
Ironf> It's a penis pump. He said you 'reallly needed it.'
Ratbert> An uncle named Plato and a daughter named Medea?
Plumm> This movie is the Platonic ideal of a turd.
BEMaven> he boxed his last fart. what a weird old coot.
THX-1138> Meanwhile in Sunset Blvd.
mgrasso> <fey vincent price giggle>
WryGrin> 1313 Mockingbird... yeah this is it.
mgrasso> medea. such nice, traditional greek names. the hell?
Trademark> So where in mythology was "Buck?"
Ratbert> Buck was the son of Hades and Aphrodite.
Balthayzr> I keep waiting for Plato Zorba to come out and start choke-slamming people thru tables.
Bice> That wasn't the ghosts, that was the dominatrix.
BEMaven> no, Buck was the Roman god of thongs.
Balthayzr> What about the guy upstairs who thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt?
THX-1138> Only my girlfriend is allowed to call me MR. Rush.
BEMaven> what glasses do we put on to see the daughter naked?
Ratbert> So wouldn't it be We-Ya?
Balthayzr> As opposed to New Latin?
WryGrin> let's ask it if this movie is going anywhere.
Balthayzr> Everyone raises one finger at the director.
THX-1138> And you put your other finger in my itchy eye.
Trademark> 'Yeeea OUIJA!'
WryGrin> that's not a finger, mr rush.
THX-1138> 'are those implants?'
Balthayzr> Odd way for Parker Bros. to get a product placement, isn't it?
Ironf> 13 is how old he has to be before she'll do him.
Balthayzr> 'HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! No, no one will be harmed.'
Ironf> It moves to the "screwed" option.
Ratbert> You know, it takes all the thrill out of a movie if you ask a Ouija board for the whole plot.
Ratbert> Yes, seperate beds, welcome to the 50s.
Balthayzr> They better be careful. Those twin beds are almost in the same time zone.
THX-1138> Wow, the house has flatulence.
Balthayzr> So, this guy's such an ass that it takes 13 ghosts to convince him that Xmas is Good?
Trademark> They're being haunted by a Foley artist.
Ratbert> Medea, what have I told you about being dressed when I'm making my nightly "rounds".
Ironf> "It's time for all pretty girls to go to sleep."
Trademark> 'Just let me Buck you in... TUCK! TUCK you in.'
mgrasso> it's the cardigan. all child molesters wear cardigans.
Bice> "All clear on the offspring front". That's his idea of foreplay.
Balthayzr> Including Mr. Rogers?
Bice> Oh, they live next to the whorehouse.
mgrasso> no, that's howling, it's a humphouse.
Bice> Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9 Number 9.
WryGrin> This house is haunted by David Copperfield's stage act.
Ironf> ERMERGO!
mgrasso> poor EMERGO. he was reduced to cameos.
THX-1138> Isn't this a level in Quake?
Ironf> weeeeeee are the hotdog peopleeee.
Trademark> The Screaming, Lethargic, Highly-Combustible Skull. And his friends.
Balthayzr> This'll happen when the Jaycees forget to take the decorations down.
WryGrin> Ahhhh! I'm being nothinged to death!
BEMaven> the glasses have the power to set ghosts on spin cycle.
Ironf> He just wants to look like Buddy Holly.
THX-1138> His souls's been buffed and waxed.
Plumm> Who we gonna call, to a certain extent?
Ratbert> The chipmunks?
THX-1138> It's a cooking ghost!
Ratbert> Whimisical music creates such a feeling of horror.
Trademark> So the ghosts are clumsy, drunken chefs?
Balthayzr> Tonight, on Iron Chef, the ingrediant is... PROTOPLASM!!!
BEMaven> 'hey, Dad. Mad Magazine wants to use me on their cover.'
Bice> They lost the original soundtrack and had to substitute from a porn film.
WryGrin> candle goes up, candle goes down.
WryGrin> the bed has an ignition!
BEMaven> the ghosts are telling you to do something about the dust. it's kicking up their asthma.
Plumm> Now it starts singing "Dreidel."
Ratbert> 'what is it, you say Timmy's fallen town the well?'
Balthayzr> 'PUT.....THE CANDLE......BACK!!!'
Trademark> Magic Fingers of Death.
Ratbert> Flatulence bed!
Plumm> The ghost of Laverne and Shirley suffocating to death in their Murphy bed.
BEMaven> must be a Swiss bunk bed.
Balthayzr> Doesn't she have that on backwards?
Ironf> She'd doing a Dutch oven just for him. How... romantic?
Plumm> Cousin Mildred dyed her hair and put on a Fruit Stripes dress and . .. gah... this movie.
Trademark> Zorba the Creak!
Balthayzr> Thanks ever so much for the Zombie Crotch Shot.
Bice> The world's most flatulent door.
Ratbert> WD-40, sheesh.
BEMaven> 'touch my hand and you will be uplifted.'
Ratbert> Damn, she's loud enough to wake the dead.
BEMaven> 'touch my dinky and i'll be uplifted.'
Balthayzr> 'Huh. I'll be sanded smooth in no time!'
Plumm> He dropped his Confedrate dollar bills!
Ratbert> As he is horribly castrated by the decoration at the end of the banister.
Ironf> Should a kid that young have access to beer goggles?
BEMaven> Shadrack the Great?
WryGrin> that trick only has to go wrong once.
Ratbert> Great, lemme guess: Ghost lion.
Flippie> I see uncle Plato was into whips and big hats.
Bice> Is that lion wearing a saddle?
Trademark> The lion also suffocated in a bedroom here.
Ratbert> I'm frightened by the barely visible, over exposed lion.
Balthayzr> So, how come the girl can see the ghosts without glasses? She spring for the contacts?
Ironf> Daddy has been banging her head into the headboard a little too hard, Balth.
Trademark> Ladies and gentlemen, Catsnack the Great!
Balthayzr> Circus Ghosts. Just.... swell.
BEMaven> buck looks just like Tuxedo Mask. now, that's scary.
mgrasso> so, i guess we now know why tim burton is so fucked up.
BEMaven> 'i was rubbing my ass on the bannister and the ghost gave me $200.'
Balthayzr> That's one expensive kid. 200 bucks for keeping secrets.
Flippie> Ben Dover, 70's porn star.
WryGrin> here buck, slide down this.
Bice> Isn't this how the plot to "Tommy" start?
Balthayzr> Is a Syonce anything like a Seance?"
Bice> That's like the fifth time he's said "I dunno". I like a decisive lead character.
Flippie> Anthony Quinn in drag.
WryGrin> what's that kid in the portrait doing to the animal?
Balthayzr> She's a little old for the Brownies, isn't she?
BEMaven> why is his mom wearing a sailor suit?
Balthayzr> She's the Medium. in other words, not Well Done.
Ratbert> No, "medium" isn't trendy, it's "Grande".
Ratbert> Sliding down banisters for fun and profit.
Trademark> Strangely enough, it's that that bothers the ghosts. Everything else is fine, but the damned sliding.
Balthayzr> So, the money comes out his ass when he slides down the bannister?
Plumm> 'The secret is . . . Ben gives me 200 to rub my ass.'
BEMaven> imagine how much Medea would get for rubbing on the bannister.
Ironf> How 'odd' they'd make Ms. Creepy leader of the seance.
Ratbert> Apparently all you have to do to have a successful seance is say their name twice.
Balthayzr> He's channeling Bob Hope?
Balthayzr> 'You said you'd use Vasiline from now on!'
Trademark> 'Slide your sack down the bannister for me, will ya? I need cab fare back to the city.'
WryGrin> did this guy die in mid yawn?
BEMaven> Zorba is kind of vague as a ghost.
Ironf> Really Maven? I thought his motives were quite transparent.
Balthayzr> So, what, the lawyer gonna spend the night sliding down the bannister?
BEMaven> "death walks again in this evil house." -- well, it's better than Death skipping thru the house, i suppose.
Trademark> Next, on This Evil House: Replacing a ghost-scuffed hardwood floor.
WryGrin> Ben's to do list: Jump Medea, Steal Money, Kill Buck.
Flippie> The Buck stop here.
BEMaven> swell. they get a premonition of death, then promptly sleep in separate rooms.
Trademark> The ghosts won't like being tipped a Buck.
WryGrin> drop the incredibly slow bed mechanism.
BEMaven> 'Keep your damn kids off my bed!'
WryGrin> what, is the kid deaf?
mgrasso> i like how all the reaction shots were shot against the same white wall.
Balthayzr> Squish.
WryGrin> Ben is Dead.
Trademark> What a way to go. On that femmy-looking bed, alone.
Bice> So a cloth bed canopy can crush a man. Interesting. I did not know that.
BEMaven> gee, they cut out the ass rubbing that made the 2 million dollars appear.
Trademark> Sounds like someone put their Yoko 45 on 33.
Bice> This movie shows why Scooby Doo plots were never streched beyond 30 minutes.

SHOUT IT OUT
"How did we outlast the dinosaurs... and why?"
"Stuffed to the attic with furniture."
"Hand-painted Christmas tie?"
"If you ask it a silly question, it won't answer."
"It's time for all pretty girls to go to sleep."
"All clear on the offspring front."
"Your uncle penetrated deeper into the unknown than any man alive."
"He could talk to the dead the way you and I could talk to the grocer down the street."
"He was doing foolish things." ---"You mean, the experiment?"---"No, besides that."
"You can wake me anytime. I won't mind."
"The bed is hurting Ben!"

MANWICH
* EvilJen has joined.
Balthayzr> AH, something, somewhere must have ended. Jen and My-crow show up, and Iron wakes up.
EvilJen> Balth, we were destroying the universe.
* Ironf restrains comment.
EvilJen> And then, the EverQuest servers go down *cough*.
Plumm> Did you hear about the bums rioting in Paris over Cristian Dior's new hobo-chic line?
WryGrin> I guess beggars *can* be choosers.
EvilJen> btw, I got proof today not to mess with the EJ.
Ironf> Did you neuter a man again?
EvilJen> the boyfriend who dumped me about 4 years ago... for a girl younger than me.
EvilJen> well, she quickly dumped him after running up his credit card for like 1000 dollars....
EvilJen> So, the EJ curse works. Remember that.
Plumm> Was there anything new in that, or is that old proof not to mess with the EJ?
Balthayzr> Well, she did bury him in the backyard today.
Ironf> The snow helped kill the smell.
EvilJen> Not that I keep track of what happens to my ex's just for my own personal revenge and delight... AT ALL.
Ironf> You have a pain scrapbook of it, don't you?
EvilJen> I have lists and excel spreadsheets.
EvilJen> If I dump you, see, then it's okay, I don't curse you.
EvilJen> but if you dump me, then I wreak havoc upon your life with voodoo curses and hatefulness.
Balthayzr> Then, she wacks them with a barbed-wire covered baseball bat.
EvilJen> Oh, I'm so much more subtle.
BEMaven> so she's a performance artist?
WryGrin> she beats them with oranges in a sock... no visible marks.
Ironf> Soap in a towel.
BEMaven> well, as long as they're chocolate oranges.
Ironf> wack and unwrap.